Dr. Laura Schlessinger agrees that there are things worth whining about! A certain amount of whining allows for some venting of reasonable pain, disappointment, fear, frustration, or frank rage. However, staying stuck in whining mode can become a life-long problem. This is where Dr. Laura steps in with Stop Whining, Start Living to help folks conquer the temptation to retreat from living life to the fullest.

As she reveals in her introduction, "No matter what you've suffered or continue to suffer, while you are alive you have the opportunity to get something from this life, and I'm going to do my best to help you with that. . . . I know of what I speak, as this has been my torturous journey also." Building on the principles developed during her long career as a licensed marriage and family therapist, and addressing the chronic struggles of so many of her listeners and readers, Dr. Laura issues an important message in the no-nonsense but compassionate voice that is her trademark: If you don't like your life, quit talking about your unhappiness and try to fix it, no matter how difficult or impossible your situation seems.

While it is healthy to vent occasionally, endless rumination on the negative only keeps you paralyzed in misery, reinforces hopelessness, and demoralizes those around you who feel helpless to bring any happiness into your life. Instead, Stop Whining, Start Living encourages "whiners" to reject negative thoughts, emotions, and attitudes; shift perspective; open up to gratitude and goodness; and embrace obligations to loved ones and the world in general. Before long, just doing what you're supposed to be doing -- instead of moaning about why you can't or won't or shouldn't fulfill your responsibilities -- will have you feeling better about yourself and will uplift your interactions with family, friends, colleagues, and even complete strangers in incredible ways.

Illustrated by calls and letters from members of Dr. Laura's huge international audience, Stop Whining, Start Living features brave testimonials from real human beings facing real challenges. These folks have benefited enormously from Dr. Laura's powerful lessons.

Stop Whining, Start Living gives readers stuck in their suffering the jump start they need to break out of reactive mode and get proactive, moving in the direction of a joyful, meaningful, happy, fulfilling, and purposeful future. Everyone can use a kick in the pants sometimes, and Dr. Laura, who "preaches, teaches, and nags" to millions every day on her radio program, is here to deliver it!

Stop Whining, Start Living

HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.

Chapter One

Perspective Is Everything

"I have changed my life from 'talking, whining, rehashing, complaining, and suffering' into a life of doing and enduring because I got tired. I got tired of making the choice to have a bad attitude. I realized almost at the 'ripe' old age of thirty that I alone am responsible for my behaviors and my moods; and whining and the rest of that nonsense is futile to resolution and problem solving.

"I suppose the main catalyst for this life change was putting things in perspective; I haven't had a charmed life but I also realize how blessed I have been. I think all those people who claim that they are unhappy are only that way because they do not know how to appreciate what they DO have. It is hard not to take for granted what one has, but at the same time it is hard to believe that most people who have so much are still so miserable."
—Wendy, a listener

I talk a lot about perspective on my radio program to callers who just can't seem to break the hold that emotional pain, disappointments, and fears have on them. I'm usually met first with their annoyance, as though I'm trying to strip them of what is most important in their lives—their suffering and their anger about it. As anyone who has ever dealt with children knows, if you grab something out of the hand of a cranky kid, you'd better be ready to put something else in its place. Well, with callers on the phone, what I have to put back in their minds after grabbing their complaints (justified or not—it doesn't matter) is a more compelling image.

That substitute image has to:

• 1. Make sense to them
• 2. Not ignore or deny their suffering or the reasons for it
• 3. Touch them more deeply than the reason they have for suffering
• 4. Motivate behavior in a new and healthier direction
• 5. Provide a direction for action
• 6. Overpower resistance now and the likelihood of falling back into old patterns in the future

Let me move straightaway to some examples of how this works in real life. One recent caller in particular sticks in my mind for this demonstration, as the call was powerful with a very quick turnabout in attitude and perspective.

A young woman, about twenty-three, called concerning her sexual orientation and whether or not she should tell her mother. She was afraid that her mother would not be approving.

The very first thing I told her was "I'll bet your mother knows. She can't have lived with you for over two decades and not have an inkling. . . . She is a mother! It is not unusual, however, for parents to seemingly ignore situations like this because of their fears and feelings."

The next thing I told her was "You have to understand that this is foreign to your mother, who has loved a man all her adult life, and who, as a loving mother, worries about what you'll be missing out on that she has cherished for a lifetime. She may never approve of (embrace) your orientation, but given a chance, she'll probably be lovingly accepting (tolerant)."

It was at this point that I worked more directly on perspective: "It isn't all about you, although I realize you see it that way. Your mother loses one of her dreams—her daughter's wedding and marriage to a son-in-law and eventual grandchildren, and without that, she doesn't see a clear role for herself in your future. Your mother will suffer for her losses as well as her concerns about yours. I think you need to be less prickly and worried, and more compassionate."

The caller's attitude changed abruptly from fearful and whiny to hopeful and concerned. Her mission became one of mutuality instead of one that was totally defensive. She hung up feeling more understanding of the bigger picture, of which she was but one part. Pictures must be seen from a multitude of vantage points to be seen clearly and properly appreciated.

The Everyday

I wish I had a dollar for every woman who called complaining about her husband not doing enough housework. Such women usually first tell me what a great guy he is in general, and then they get to their specific complaint concerning his sloppiness. Most advice show hosts generally go into strategies to manipulate, threaten, demand, or negotiate him into housework. I work on perspective.

Traci, a listener, wrote:

"You've talked before about keeping things in perspective and I just felt the need to reiterate the point. My husband, who is my hero, my swimmer of shark-infested waters, the sole financial supporter of our family of four, and the wonderful father to my two small girls, can absolutely annoy the CRAP out of me sometimes!!! He can take the can opener out of the drawer, place it on the counter right above, and never put it back; his dirty clothes are typically on the floor somewhere near the dirty clothes hamper. He thinks everything that is in the garage needs to be put back in its proper place however those things that belong in the house are of less importance. I could go on . . .

"But then on occasion, I manage to remember who he is; he is a public servant. It is what he was born to do. He protects people. He is a state trooper, a volunteer firefighter, and an officer in the Coast Guard Reserves (after five years active duty Air Force and two years Air Force Reserves).

"He is a man who, except for the occasional fishing trip, spends his spare time at home with his family. So I face the reality nearly every single time he walks out that door . . . he might not come back. You know what? When I remember to put it in that light, it really doesn't matter where the can opener or his socks end up. I would much rather spend every day of the rest of my life taking care of such items behind him, than live a moment of my life without him.

"Perhaps together, Dr. Laura, we can remind wives out there that having a wonderful husband that doesn't care so much that things are always in their proper place is a far cry better than having no wonderful husband at all!"

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Excerpted from Stop Whining, Start Living by Dr. Laura Schlessinger Copyright © 2008 by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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