3500 Good Jokes for Speakers: LEIBERMAN, ROBERT: 9780385005456: Book: : eCampus.com

Features jokes, puns, quips, and stories covering a variety of topics including women, liquor, money, marriage, travel, and the rich

Family . . . Friends . . . tender reflections of things past

(24)

(We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. When we heard a noise at night we'd bark ourselves.)

Business . . . Occupations . . . Professions

(58)

(The barber told me to use that hair tonic and my hair would come in heavy. Only one hair grew, but it weighed twelve pounds.)

Women . . . and . . . men

(52)

(The hand that darns the sock is usually the one that socks the husband.)

Kids . . . childhood . . . school

135

(34)

(Children are the light of the house, but when you have half a dozen of them it's time to shut off the light.)

Manners . . . tact . . . diplomacy . . . etiquette . . . mores

169

(18)

(Never throw cigar butts in urinals. They get soggy and are hard to light.)

Drink . . . water . . . liquor . . . beer . . . and sundry liquids

187

(22)

(I get drunk on water, as well as on land.)

Money . . . rich people . . . poor people . . . credit

209

(24)

(I wasn't affected by the crash of '29. I went broke in '28.)

Travel . . . geography . . . history . . . vacations and tourists

233

(24)

(In England they've been changing the guards for two hundred years. Guess they aren't big enough to change themselves.)

Marriage . . . courtship . . . dates and the pursuit

257

(34)

(Matrimony is the process whereby love ripens into vengeance.)

Psycho . . . psychiatry, psychiatrists, neurotics . . . and just plain nuts

291

(38)

(She tried to kill him with a look, But she was cross-eyed. So she killed another man.)

Mechanics . . . science . . . automobiles . . . inventions

329

(14)

(My car is so old they gave me license plates with Roman numerals.)

Sports and Gambling

343

(24)

(I caught a fish so big I got up in the middle of the night and called myself a liar.)

Wolves and Wolfesses

367

(16)

(When I told her my proposition her face grew crimson and gold--her old school colors.)

Show Business . . . radio . . . television . . . burlesque . . . movies . . . night clubs

383

(46)

(They couldn't afford a rising orchestra pit, so they made the musicians stand up slowly.)

General . . . hotels . . . housing . . . nature . . . politics . . . weather . . . etc

429

(Everything is so overcrowded today that the cemeteries are only selling standing room.)


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