Choosing Single Motherhood

by Morrissette, Mikki

• ISBN13: 9780618833320
• ISBN10: 0618833323
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2008-05-20
• Publisher: Mariner Books

Summary

The comprehensive guide for single women interested in proactively becoming and being a motherincludes the essential tools needed to decide whether to take this step, information on how best to follow through, and insight about answering the child's questions and needs over time. Choosing Single Motherhood, written by a longtime journalist and Choice Mother (a woman who chooses to conceive or adopt without a life partner), will become the indispensable tool for women looking for both support and insight. Based on extensive up-to-date research, advice from child experts and family therapists, as well as interviews with more than one hundred single women, this book explores common questions and concerns of women facing this decision, including: Can I afford to do this? Should I wait longer to see if life turns a new corner? How do Choice Mothers handle the stress of solo parenting? what the research says about growing up in a single-parent household how to answer a child's "daddy" questions the facts about adoption, anonymous donor insemination, and finding a known donor how the children of pioneering Choice Mothers feel about their lives Written in a lively style that never sugarcoats or sweeps problems under the rug, Choosing Single Motherhood covers the topic clearly, concisely, and with a great deal of heart.

Author Biography

MIKKI MORRISSETTE is a Choice Mother of two and a longtime journalist. She has been both a writer and an editor at Time Inc. and has written and edited special projects for the New York Times. She is now married and lives with her family in Minneapolis.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	p. x
Introduction: About the Author, About the Book	p. xii
Typical Inner Conflicts	p. 1
Am I Single-Mother Material?	p. 5
Can I handle it?
Do I have the proper motivation?
Is it fair to the child?
Do I have enough resources to be a good single parent?
Transitioning to motherhood
Can I Afford It?	p. 22
Spending habits
Childcare costs and tips
Big-ticket expenses
Long-term issues
The cost of conception
Grieving the Childhood Dream	p. 43
Living with grief
Choosing to wait
Getting to the roots
When you keep walking
Will My Community Accept Us?	p. 60
"You are selfish"
Why the opposition?
Why do we care?
Helping the child
Revisiting the Murphy Brown vs. Quayle debate
Is it Fair to the Child?	p. 83
The Impact of a Single-Parent Home	p. 85
What the research says
Portrait of a successful single parent
How Choice Moms succeed
Moral parenting
Growing Up without a Father	p. 115
The skepticism
Two loving parents
Balance
Gender identification
Self-control
Kids' perceptions of fathers
Choosing the Method	p. 139
Known Donor: Pros and Cons	p. 141
What can go wrong
What can go right: child's identity and medical history
Questions to ask and understand
Reflections on being a known donor
Using Donor Insemination	p. 171
Alphabet soup
The ethics
Open-identity option
Who are the donors?
Choosing a donor
The process
Choosing Adoption	p. 201
Thinking about age, race, special needs, contact with birth family
Expense
Finding assistance
The home study
Transracial adoption
Day-to-Day Parenting	p. 229
Dealing with the Stress	p. 231
How to reduce stress
How do we handle it alone?
The difference a partner makes
Tips for the caregiver's soul
Having two
Answering the Daddy Question	p. 259
Answering what kids really want to know
Basic dos and don'ts
Age-appropriate expert advice
When kids meet donor dads
Confronting Identity Issues	p. 282
Why it matters to the kids
Typical ages and stages
The donor-conceived child
The adopted child
The transracial family
How to Raise a Well-Balanced Child	p. 313
Meet the experts
The basics
Understanding the child
Community
Mutual respect
Authoritative parenting
The four-point game plan
Raising a boy
The Legacy of Choice	p. 337
Of Politics and Policy	p. 339
Who gets to try?
"I was turned away five times"
Who can be a donor?
Taking it to court
Rights around the world
Changes in adoption
Where gays and lesbians need not apply
Insurance
How marriage policy pertains
How Are the Kids Turning Out?	p. 365
Social development
Effect of stigma
Will Choice Kids marry?
The mothers' perspectives
Strengths and weaknesses
Conversations with Kyla, Greg, Cambra, Laurabeth, Ryan, Grace, Zac
Conclusion: Connecting the Dots	p. 394
Notes	p. 405
Resources	p. 420
Table of Contents provided by Ingram. All Rights Reserved.

Excerpts

I was one of the lucky ones. Before I became a Choice Mom, I was oblivious to the issues that many Thinking Women face. I didn’t worry about whether I could afford it, because I had a high-paying job. I didn’t worry about whether I could handle the stress of solo parenting, because I assumed that I could handle anything. I didn’t grieve the fact that I was embarking on motherhood without a lifetime partner, because I had never been a fan of convention. So I was lucky — at the start, anyway. Ignorance can be bliss.
Shortly after I became pregnant I started to freak out about whether I would actually like being a mother. Maybe I’d been foolish to think it was the logical next step of my life . . . maybe I was supposed to stay solo, traveling and writing and having experiences as a lone wanderer in the universe. Wouldn’t my life stop if I was locked inside four walls changing diapers and, ohmigod, actually preparing three meals a day, and helping someone else turn into a person who had experiences? Bump.
After my daughter was born, in that first year of often lonesome, scary motherhood I discovered many moments of sadness that I wasn’t sharing her development, and mine, with someone else. My local friends were single and childless, with no real interest in being part of my motherhood journey. My family was literally a thousand miles away. I didn’t have a childhood dream of “husband, wife, and kids” to grieve, but I found myself grieving something I couldn’t even define. Bump.
After three months of unpaid leave, I was ready to return to my well-paid job — only to learn that I was being “eliminated.” CRASH!
Talk about a rude awakening to the realities of life. In hindsight, I’m happy I was oblivious beforehand to how much my life would change. After talking to more than 100 women about their struggles in reaching this decision — and their struggles after — I understand how lucky I was to avoid many of the typical concerns before Sophie was born. Although I had no regrets about being a Choice Mom, my hard-won lessons about the bumps in the road made it more difficult to make a decision the second time. It took about two years of inner debate before I chose Choice Motherhood again, and Dylan was born.
Today’s Choice Mothers feel less stigma about their decision than did pioneers of the 1980s. But that doesn’t mean it’s an easy choice. Women today tend to focus less on whether having a child will be seen as “legitimate” for her and the child, and more on whether the decision itself is a legitimate one: Will I have the strength and energy to be a good mother? Do I have the financial, emotional, and support resources to pull it off? Should I wait a little longer to see if life turns a new corner? If you’re struggling with some of the typical “Should I?” conflicts, the next four chapters have been written to help you through.
“Am I Single-Mom Material?” looks at some of the most common reasons women hesitate as they contemplate this choice.
“Can I Afford It?” explores the number one issue of concern, finances, based on results of an informal survey I did in 2003.
“Grieving the Childhood Dream” includes personal stories of women who came to this decision reluctantly, having dreamed for years of raising children with a lifetime partner.
“Will My Community Accept Us?” examines the disapproval women have faced from family, friends, and other members of their local network. It also revisits the national conversation Vice President Dan Quayle launched in 1992 about Choice Motherhood when he decried the TV show Murphy Brown for mocking the importance of fathers.

NOTE: These are very common concerns. While the material here is ultimately reassuring — so many women have addressed them and gone on to Choice Motherhood — there are many more women who have chosen not to become a single mother because of these questions. Listen closely to yourself.