9781451655148

The F***ing Epic Twitter Quest of @MayorEmanuel

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  • ISBN13:

    9781451655148

  • ISBN10:

    1451655142

  • Format: Paperback
  • Copyright: 2011-09-13
  • Publisher: Scribner

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Summary

Primary Colors for the social media era, the wildly profane, viral phenomenon that resulted from a fake Twitter account deftly satirizing Rahm Emanuel is the first significant Twitter epic in today's digital age.  With web sensations such as Stuff White People Like and Sh*t My Dad Says making the leap from the Internet to the bestseller lists, it's no surprise that this unique and hilarious first-person account of Rahm Emanuel's fake mayoral campaign via Twitter has already been featured in The Atlantic, Wired, The Colbert Report, and is still an unfolding story. Now, fans can read the entire six months of collected tweets of @MayorEmanuel with commentary and annotations from creator Dan Sinker.      When rumors circulated that Rahm Emanuel would enter the Chicago mayor's race, suddenly the ;real ; Rahm became overshadowed by a decidedly different Rahm, @MayorEmanuel. Via Twitter, this fake Rahm spun a faux-insider's story unlike any otherin real time. Garnering a passionate following on Twitter and hailed by the press, @MayorEmanuel's journey is an entertaining, modern-day anti-hero's quest as he travels a surrealistic Chicago landscape, picking up friends along the way, including advisor David Axelrod, Carl the Intern (a high-school-aged MacGyver), a puppy named Hambone, and a duck named Quaxelrod, to name a few.      Both a surprisingly literary romp as well as an inside peek into an historic mayoral race, The F***ing Epic Twitter Quest of @MayorEmanuel is a bold and exciting foray into a new form of participatory, real-time storytelling.

Author Biography

Dan Sinker is an assistant professor at Columbia College in Chicago. A writer, designer, and programmer, Sinker is the founder and developer of the local election tracker ChicagoMayoralScorecard.com, the mobile storytelling project CellStories.net, and the founding editor of the influential underground culture magazine Punk Planet, which published from 1994 to 2007. He lives in Chicago with his wife and son.

Excerpts

The Epic
Rumors and Innuendo
Monday, September 27, 2010

fuck you right in your fucking face-hole. 09:52:09 PM

And so it began, late in the evening, as news organizations started publishing rumors that Rahm Emanuel would be leaving his position as President Obama’s chief of staff to throw his hat into the ring for Chicago’s mayoral race. It would be the first competitive race in 21 years, following the announcement by mayor-for-life Richard M. Daley that he would not seek another four years in office.

Someone tell those fuckwads at @politico to shut their fucking trap, or I’ll fucking END THEM. 10:11:12 PM

Politico was the first to break the story, followed quickly by the rest of the political press.

Hey you douchebags at @ChicagoTribune, I’ll fucking announce when I fucking announce. 10:22:18 PM

This was the first, and only, @MayorEmanuel Tweet that I retweeted via @DanSinker. It made its way around Twitter pretty quickly, and @MayorEmanuel’s follower count began to tick upwards rapidly.

Someone tell @joshtpm to shut his asshole before I have to hop an Acela Express and do it my goddamn self. 10:29:16 PM

Josh Marshall at Talking Points Memo had picked up the Emanuel rumor story, as it quickly spread across the news.

If the Bears fuck this up, my entire platform is going to revolve around burning that stadium to the fucking ground. 10:34:24 PM

Goddamn right Bears win. 10:48:25 PM

The Chicago Bears beat their archrivals the Green Bay Packers 20–17. It’s worth noting at this early point that I know nothing about sports. But if you’re running for Mayor of Chicago, you’d better, so I followed the outcomes of all the Bears games on—where else—Twitter. Thank god this wasn’t written in late spring, when I would have had to follow the outcomes of Cubs, Sox, Bulls, and Blackhawks games simultaneously.

Hey @jaketapper, you wanna talk “breaking,” how about I break my foot off inside your colon? 10:58:01 PM

ABC News’s Senior White House Correspondent Jake Tapper had just tweeted “BREAKING—Rahm Emanuel Likely to Leave White House This Week.”

I swear to god, if I never have to see another cherry blossom as long as I goddamn live, it’ll still be too fucking soon. 11:06:24 PM

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Shit-screw you in your fucking cock-hole. 12:07:17 AM

Cocking shit-shiners it’s late. 12:43:32 AM

And with that, day one ended. The follower count was around 500. Up from zero in three hours.

Gonna cram that sheriff’s star so far up Dart’s intestine that when he shits it’ll look like the constellation Orion. 07:35:32 AM

Mayor Daley announced that he wouldn’t run for reelection on September 7, 2010. By the 10th, news reports had Cook County Sheriff Tom Dart considering getting into the race. The Chicago Sun-Times quoted him as saying, “Voters know who I am; they appreciate a lot of the things we’ve done, so I think I do have the ability to have some ‘head start’ on some people.” Prior to Emanuel announcing, Dart was at or near the top of polls.

Also, Sneed: stop talking about yourself in the third person or I swear to god, I will break my dick off and fuck you in the hair follicles. 07:37:46 AM

Michael Sneed is the leading political gossip reporter in Chicago. She writes about herself exclusively in the third person.

These people are fucking joking, right? Give me back my fucking house, or I will burn it down around you. 07:44:21 AM

When he left Congress to become Obama’s chief of staff, the Emanuels (he is married with two children) rented their home in Chicago’s Ravenswood neighborhood. That morning Sneed led with a report that the tenants in Emanuel’s rental house were refusing to break their lease and allow Emanuel to move back into his home.

You know who I’m not going to miss at all? Mitch McConnell. That guy is the king of the fucking pansy-shitters. 07:50:48 AM

Mitch McConnell is the minority leader in the US Senate. He’s the first of many Washington regulars that @MayorEmanuel realizes he’ll soon be free of.

Some mornings coffee is like standing underneath a twat-rainbow while fucking a thousand puppies in the mouth. 08:22:32 AM

The first, and most graphic, of @MayorEmanuel’s many coffee Tweets. Over the course of the feed, @MayorEmanuel would tweet about coffee another 69 times. Some of this was character logic: he’s passionate about everything, so why not coffee too? Some of it was to help spread the account around Twitter: people would pass the coffee Tweets around rapid-fire. And part of it was that I really, really like coffee.

Jesus shit-Christ is it awkward around the office today. 09:24:03 AM

Wait a second: who the fuck holds a fucking election in Chicago in fucking FEBRUARY? 09:42:49 AM

We’re all supposed to go out there with our dicks swinging in the snow? 09:45:54 AM

I will miss sneaking juice boxes with Sasha. 12:01:36 PM

I always liked the image of Emanuel and Sasha Obama sipping juice boxes in the White House Rose Garden.

Most of the lunch briefing was spent deciding whether I should drive down K Street yelling “Sayonara, bitches!” Or “Fuck you very much!” 02:21:05 PM

K Street is the epicenter for lobbyists and think tanks in Washington, DC.

Christ, the fuck train got derailed on its way to bullshit junction today. I blame Duncan. 02:43:54 PM

That’d be Arne Duncan, former CEO of the Chicago Public Schools, who was tapped to join Obama in Washington as the secretary of education. Fun fact: Duncan used to play professional basketball in Australia.

Another thing about Duncan: for being so tall, that guy is a fucking pussy when it comes to the head-fake. Makes him jump every goddamn time. 02:50:11 PM

When you’re writing in 140 character bursts, visual gags work really well. The idea of @MayorEmanuel tossing out head-fakes was easy, visual shorthand for his aggressive personality.

Axelrod tells me “Who replaced Chicago with this shitfest?” isn’t a good slogan. 03:32:45 PM

This was the first appearance of David Axelrod, who at the time was President Obama’s chief strategist, having architected his campaign for president. Before entering the national spotlight with Obama’s presidential campaign, Axelrod had been a longtime political strategist. Prior to entering politics, he was city hall reporter for the Chicago Tribune in the early 1980s. He also sports a sweet Chicago-style mustache, which was the real motivating factor in incorporating him into the story. Axelrod was not actually directly involved in the Emanuel campaign in the way portrayed in the @MayorEmanuel story. He stayed in Washington, DC, though was seen in Chicago regularly during the mayoral race (and moved back in January 2011 to set up the Obama 2012 reelection headquarters in Chicago). His former political media firm AKP&D Message and Media (he’s the “A,” but he sold his interest when he joined the Obama administration) was paid millions by the Emanuel campaign to provide both media strategy and campaign consulting.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I really fucking hope that I get to stay on hold with Comcast Chicago all goddamn day. Yes, please, transfer me again. 09:31:31 AM

So Axelrod is blathering on about a “new Burnham plan” and I just look him square in the eye and say, “Fuck you, you fucking mustache-face.” 10:02:20 AM

I’m not a motherfucking giant Snoopy balloon, so I will not appear at your motherfucking parade. 11:00:51 AM

This little trio of Tweets showed the challenges of moving back to Chicago and running for mayor beginning to come into focus for @MayorEmanuel: dealing with strategy sessions, being asked to appear at civic events, and hooking up utilities. All treated with equal amounts of disdain.

Geithner never stops talking. You can be standing there, double birds in his face and your cock hanging out, and he’s all blah blah blah … 12:04:28 PM

Timothy Geithner is the US secretary of the Treasury.

I would rather lick the balls of the entire Chicago city counsel than have to deal with the fuck-nuggets in the House for another 10 minutes. 02:25:23 PM

DC, Comics

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Shitting cock-face, I stayed up way too late watching “Must Love Dogs” again. And I gotta deal with fucking Vilsack in the morning. Fuck me. 12:33:06 AM

Tom Vilsack is the US secretary of agriculture.

Cock—06:36:17 AM

—a-doodle-doo, assholes. Wake the fuck up. 06:37:11 AM

If Dick Mell leaves another VM promising to be a “kingmaker,” I’m going to pry all the keys off this phone and stuff them up his urethra. 08:13:03 AM

Dick Mell is a longtime member of Chicago’s city council. He was elected in 1975 and continues to serve on the council. Fun Fact: Mell’s daughter Patricia is married to embattled former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich.

I walked into the briefing today, birds up, and said “Hey snatch-warblers, you’ve only got one day left with this bitch.” It’s official. 12:06:38 PM

News reports had confirmed that Emanuel would be leaving the White House to run for mayor of Chicago. He’d be replaced by Pete Rouse, a senior advisor to the president and, up until news reports named him, someone whom many casual political observers had never heard of. I know I never had.

Jesus fuck-Christ, I told them that if they’re going to go with Rouse, they’ll have to find another billion in the budget for donut runs. 12:19:10 PM

Apparently they went with Rouse because the potted fucking bamboo in the fucking East Room was too busy. Too bad, the bamboo says more. 12:32:25 PM

Another thing about Rouse: hope you like your morning briefings around 11:45, because cock-asses that motherfucker can sleep in. 12:48:03 PM

Gibbs keeps looking at me and his eyes well up, like he’s eating the dong-berries right off the pussy-bush. 02:15:30 PM

Robert Gibbs was the White House press secretary.

I would rather slam my dick in a door than look at the motherfucking yard sign samples Plouffe just e-mailed. 02:59:58 PM

David Plouffe, who was a chief campaign manager for Obama’s election, appeared exclusively in this story in e-mails, faxes, and texts. This reflected the way many people experienced Plouffe: as a name in their in-box during the 2008 presidential campaign. Searching my Gmail, I had over 100 e-mails from Plouffe. In thinking about staffing up @MayorEmanuel’s campaign, I decided that Plouffe would remain a virtual presence, just as he had for many of us in real life. To the best of my knowledge, Plouffe was not involved in the Emanuel campaign in real life, though he is the “P” in AKPD Message and Media, David Axelrod’s consulting firm.

Salazar just came up with a fruit basket. Ken, unless you want me to insert these into your colon one-by-one, get the fuck out of my face. 04:58:37 PM

Ken Salazar is the US secretary of the interior.

Been eating Fiber One all day so I’ve got enough shit to go around tomorrow. Lieberman, be sure to check your mail: you just got shit-boxed. 07:52:26 PM

Joe Lieberman was a formerly Democratic senator from Connecticut who ran as an independent after losing the 2006 Democratic primary.

Last goddamn night in this fucking shit-coffin of a town. 10:19:44 PM

Friday, October 1, 2010

Thank god it’s motherfucking shit-scratching cock-bleeding Friday. 07:40:47 AM

This was it, the morning of Emanuel’s departure from the White House. He met privately with the staff (where he was presented with a dead Asian carp wrapped in newspaper, echoing a mythic Emanuel moment, when he mailed a dead fish to a pollster who made him angry) and would then be publicly feted by the president himself. This was also the first of dozens of posts celebrating Friday—they would soon shift to end-of-work-week posts, usually tweeted right at 5:00.

Dear Washington Press Corps, suck it out of my asshole, you fucking third-rate, cock-handed, twat-cobbler hacks. I will miss you not at all. 08:58:44 AM

“Suck it out of my asshole” was a nod to the Fake Steve Jobs character penned by tech journalist Dan Lyons—his character used the phrase so often he shortened it to “SIOOMA.”

Hey Steny Hoyer, check your mail today: You just got shit-boxed. And I’m sure there’s enough in there to pass around. 09:04:13 AM

Steny Hoyer was House majority leader from 2007 to 2011.

LaHood just pulled up in his fucking electric clown car. This fucking ceremony is going to last a dong-capping lifetime isn’t it? 09:15:12 AM

Ray LaHood is the US secretary of transportation.

Rouse just waddled up, panting like a leg-fucking schnauzer. “Sorry I’m late.” Yeah, you fuck-hat, I’m sure you are. 09:32:43 AM

Only thing getting me through this fucking thing is knowing my shaking hand is covered in cock sweat. 09:45:33 AM

Vilsack’s halitosis is like breathing through a scuba tank full of dongs. 10:01:05 AM

DCA > OR-MF-D. 10:37:31 AM

Presidential speech out of the way, Emanuel was off to Chicago.

Sweet Home

There is a pothole on the fucking Kennedy Expressway that I swear just made me cough up my sphincter. 03:47:15 PM

23 cock-socked, twat-fingered voicemails from Plouffe. In two hours! How many more before he figures out I’m not fucking answering? 04:26:44 PM

“Hey Rahm, David. I was thinking about strategies for the 32nd ward …” Fucking dick-trimming shit-sorcerers, I’m going to toss this phone. 04:32:18 PM

Home. I’m going to crack open this Half Acre tallboy, pop in Serendipity, and put my feet up. Fuck all of you in your cock-soaked armpits. 04:58:04 PM

Friday, October 1, 2010

Muff-shitting fuck-towers. 09:46:05 AM

It’s @MayorEmanuel’s first full day in Chicago, and many local political figures are stopping by his house, trying to catch a meeting. I have no idea if this is how the real Rahm’s first day was, but I’m sure there were a lot of meetings over the first few days.

Thing I like about Quigley: that the dong-fountain calls me “sir.” Thing I don’t like: motherfucker thinks Saturday is a good day to drop by. 10:00:01 AM

Mike Quigley won Rahm Emanuel’s vacated congressional seat in 2009.

I would rather snap a mousetrap inside my own asshole than take a meeting with Jody fucking Weis. 04:12:01 PM

Jody Weis was the superintendent of police for Chicago.

The top-fucking fuck-topper: Burke. 05:21:31 PM

Ed Burke is the longest continually serving alderman from a single ward in Chicago, having first been elected to office in 1969. He is the chair of the finance committee, and an extremely powerful and influential figure in the city council. But this was probably my least favorite Tweet of all of them. The concept was that Burke just shows up and @MayorEmanuel is immediately filled with dread, but it just didn’t work—it fell flat. Capturing emotion in 140 characters was difficult at first.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Axelrod has been standing outside my house in the rain all fucking day. Stopped knocking hours ago. What a shit-sad mustache he’s got on. 08:18:12 PM

A cold, rainy October night? Someone tell Axelrod to pack his charts and head fucking home, I’m watching “1408.” Boo, you fucking cock-tards. 09:05:37 PM

Every film referenced to this point was a lesser-known film from John Cusack’s catalog. This was a very early attempt at Chicago-related—Cusack grew up in the Chicago suburb of Evanston—character development.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Holy fuck-smacks, where’s the shit-coughing coffee? 08:33:44 AM

183 e-mails from Plouffe later, and the suck-fucking webtards still made a site that looks like Barack’s. 01:30:32 PM

Emanuel’s campaign website, chicagoforrahm.com, debuted and its color scheme and font choice made it look very similar to the Obama 2008 campaign site.

Axelrod’s shooting my “special video announcement” (WTF?) for tomorrow. Wants me to say “Daley’s stewardship” and I keep saying “sewer-shit.” 01:47:54 PM

If Axelrod says “… and action!” one more time like he’s Martin fucking Scorsese I’m going to cram his Flipcam into his fucking colon. 02:43:55 PM

If Axelrod doesn’t get back here with a Home Run Inn deep dish before the game starts, I’m going to dunk his fucking head in the fuck-tank. 06:36:59 PM

I received approximately two dozen Tweets in response to this one, pointing out that the Home Run Inn, a longtime Chicago pizza place on Chicago’s Southwest Side, doesn’t actually serve deep dish. Totally caught doing shitty research, the only reply I could come up with was “maybe not for YOU.”

Solis just stopped by and was all, “Oh, you guys are watching the game?” Now I’m chucking my chicken wing gristle at his huge fucking head. 08:25:29 PM

Danny Solis is an alderman in Chicago, and the head of the zoning commission.

Jesus fucking Christ-on-a-Cock, could this Bears game be any more fucking boring? Helen Shiller plays better motherfucking ball than this. 09:00:37 PM

Helen Shiller is one of the more vocal left-leaning aldermen in Chicago.

Plouffe e-mailed to say that even if my listening tour tomorrow is spent listening to cock-bulbs complain about this game, I still have to go. 09:19:03 PM

Fucking dong-choke, if I was invited to a zoning board meeting right now I’d go in a heartbeat—has to be more exciting than this game. 09:26:03 PM

Fuck this game right in its fucking shit-sack. Axelrod had the right idea: He fell asleep in the middle of the first quarter. 10:32:43 PM

The Bears lost to the New York Giants 17–4 in a game that the Chicagoist called “the ugliest game we’ve ever seen.”

Listening Tour

Monday, October 4, 2010

I’m going to have to drink an entire fucking bottle of Purell when I get home from all this shit-blasting hand-shaking. 10:33:41 AM

This was the first day of Emanuel’s “Tell It Like It Is” tour of Chicago. Even though he was sent off from Washington in style—a hug from the president, even—he didn’t actually announce that he was running for mayor. This listening tour was the first event in a very orchestrated run-up to an official announcement.

Jesus shit-painting nut-Christ, February is way fucking far away. 04:08:05 PM

What I learned on today’s listening tour: You know what’s wrong with Chicago? Every fucking motherfucking thing. 04:32:28 PM

After consulting with this four-pack of Gossamer Ale, it’s decided: Axelrod’s mustache can do the fucking listening tour on its own tomorrow. 07:39:42 PM

Gossamer Ale is brewed by local Chicago craft brewers Half Acre. It is delicious.

Frick-fucking crimp-cramming dick-jammers. 08:26:45 PM

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Jesus fuck-chomping Christ, everything’s shit-shape today. 08:32:32 AM

Text from Plouffe: “Try to grimace less when shaking hands.” One of these days I’m going to give that motherfucker a reason to grimace. 08:47:01 AM

Who the fuck is in charge of cleaning the CTA stations? Because at this point I wouldn’t mind taking a fucking meeting with that asshole. 09:18:37 AM

The actual Rahm Emanuel visited every single CTA L station (the L is the public train system in Chicago, so named because much of the line is elevated aboveground) during his campaign, many of them multiple times. Most of them are not very clean.

Shitting-fuck-sausage. How do you fucking people eat like this? 11:58:00 AM

The early days of Emanuel’s listening tour seemed to be exclusively focused on public transportation and lunch places.

Please, fucking pretty please with fucking sugar on top, stuff your camera into my face again, you fucking snatch-hole. 01:28:15 PM

Just fucking perfect: Axelrod’s Civic just broke down in Chinatown. Again. Cock-stump. 02:21:26 PM

This was the first appearance of Axelrod’s trusty 1994 Honda Civic. I have no idea what kind of car the real David Axelrod drives, or ever drove, but I owned a white ’94 Civic for years. This fictional car was based on that real one.

Manny Flores just drove by and chucked a can at me while Axelrod’s trying to change this tire. Fucking. Worst. Fucking. Day. Fucking. Ever. 03:10:45 PM

Manny Flores is a former alderman who now serves as the director of the Illinois Department of Financial and Professional Regulation. He was another early name in the mayoral race, going so far as to collect signatures for the ballot.

Christ, when this day is over, I’m going to devour an entire Eli’s fucking cheesecake like I’m a motherfucking Cathy cartoon. Ack! 03:32:5

When the Emanuel campaign released its campaign finance records in January, it turned out they’d spent almost $15,000 on Eli’s Cheesecake.

Shrimp-sock fish-cock. I’m done with this fucking day. 08:12:30 PM

Talk to the Cock

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Whichever one of you motherfuckers got me sick, you can go vote for Rickey fucking Hendon. To the rest of you—who’s got some fucking soup? 07:10:01 AM

Former State Senator Rickey Hendon was another early name in the mayoral race. Hendon, a longtime presence in the local and state political scene, resigned his seat in February 2011. On a national level, he’s probably best known for getting into an argument about a vote with Barack Obama, when they both were state senators, that reportedly ended with Obama having “to be physically restrained.”

Sick, wearing nothing but a fucking bathrobe, going to meet with the Tribune Editorial Board. “That’s their dress code,” e-mails Plouffe. 10:10:17 AM

The same day that Emanuel was scheduled to meet with the influential paper’s editorial board, the New York Times dropped a major story about the Tribune Company, “At Flagging Tribune, Tales of a Bankrupt Culture.” It was a greatest-hits collection of sordid stories from the Tribune Tower, many circulating around the boorish behavior of then-Tribune company CEO Randy Michaels.

Apparently it’s just me and Randy Michaels in bathrobes at the Tribune Tower. The king of the fucking ass-clowns. Great. Thanks, Plouffe. 11:25:48 AM

Michaels keeps interrupting the board’s questions by standing up, opening his bathrobe and yelling “TALK TO THE COCK!!” Fucking fuck fuckers. 12:34:47 PM

I would rather punch myself in the cock every hour on the hour than have to sit through something that humiliating again. Fucktard Tower. 02:53:57 PM

Fucking fuck-shitting motherfucking shit-fuck motherfuckers. 03:17:34 PM

Yes, alderman, I am fucking delighted to have dinner at Harold’s Chicken Shack. These motherfucking arteries aren’t going to clog themselves. 05:54:01 PM

Waguespack keeps jogging by my house. Little short-shorts. I’m just standing in the front yard, birds up, waiting for the motherfucker. 07:49:31 PM

Alderman Scott Waguespack was another early contender in the mayoral race. In all, Progress Illinois, which tracked early movement in the race, had more than 40 names on its list of potential candidates.

And there he fucking goes a-fucking-gain: jog-jog-jog. WHAT THE FUCK?! 07:56:15 PM

I’m going to go for a jog up Waguespack’s motherfucking colon if he comes back around again. 08:03:52 PM

Fuck it. I’m fucking sick. I’m fucking tired. It’s a fucking “America’s Sweethearts” kind of night. 09:59:54 PM

Fucking Fund-raising

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Tick-tock, shit-cocks. Time to wake up. 07:28:54 AM

Dow over 11,000 on the same day I’m going on a listening tour of Penny Pritzker’s pocketbook? Eyes on the sky for a twat-rainbow. Trifecta! 08:02:21 AM

Chicago billionaire Penny Pritzker is the most visible member of the Pritzker family, one of the richest families in America. It seems like almost everything in Chicago, from the bandshell in Millennium Park to a public school to a military museum, is named after the Pritzkers. Penny donates a lot of time and money to political candidates, including her own former service as the finance chair of Obama’s presidential campaign (and she was at one point considered to be a top contender for commerce secretary). She also serves on a number of high-profile nonprofit boards in Chicago and, after Emanuel was elected mayor, was appointed to the Chicago Board of Education.

Penny keeps a money room in her house, and dives into it like she’s Scrooge McDuck. We’ve been swimming in it all morning. Fucking glorious. 11:19:38 AM

Nothing like a money-swim to get a guy feeling in cock-shape again. Axelrod, pull your Civic around: I’ve got some fucking hands to shake. 12:11:04 PM

Just got cut off on West Madison by a fucking cupcake truck. Eighth one I’ve seen. The fuck is up with you and cupcakes you fucking fatties? 12:30:40 PM

OK, West Garfield Park, come get your hand shaken. I promise when elected you’ll see me less than you see the inside of a unicorn’s vagina. 01:10:34 PM

Dinner with Obama at Alexi fundraiser. Fucking Alexi—getting caught chatting with him is like being sucked into a black hole of cocks. 04:05:56 PM

That’s Alexi Giannoulias, Democratic candidate for Senate, who was running to fill Barack Obama’s old seat, a seat the GOP desperately wanted to win. Giannoulias, the candidate Democrats chose to defend it, found himself embroiled in controversy surrounding his family’s failed bank (it was shut down by the FDIC two weeks after Giannoulias won the Democratic primary). In a year in which the economy and federal bank bailout played heavily in the election, it wasn’t a great situation to be in.

If Obama doesn’t show soon, I’m out. Have been stuck inside the Giannoulias dong-vortex for a motherfucking hour now. 05:34:28 PM

Emanuel was actually not at the Giannoulias fund-raiser. In fact, according to ABC 7, “Emanuel was told to keep a low profile so as not to upstage the president and Alexi Giannoulias.”

Alexi is “entertaining” the guests by seeing how many dinner rolls he can stuff in his fucking mouth. He’s up to seventeen. 05:59:01 PM

Jesus Christ-on-a-fuck, that’s four hours of my life I’m never going to get back. Alexi is as dumb as the fucking day is fucking long. 07:42:27 PM

By the way, the final motherfucking bread-roll count? Thirty-fucking-two. In at once. Mama Regenstein vomited into the salad plate. 07:51:16 PM

The Regensteins, like the Pritzkers, are another hyper-wealthy Chicago family. They even have an ape house named after them. I have no idea who “Mama” Regenstein is.

Fucking cock-sanding shit-branding, I am tired. 10:22:57 PM

Public Servant

Friday, October 8, 2010

Good motherfucking morning, motherfuckers. 07:01:29 AM

Strategy session. Axelrod thinks “I want to be like motherfucking Rahm” is a bad campaign slogan. The fuck? It worked for Jordan. 08:49:21 AM

Bulls legend Michael Jordan was featured in a series of Gatorade commercials in the 1990s where kids proclaimed they wanted to “be like Mike.”

Axelrod also dismissed Ari’s idea of a movie where politicians team up with cartoon characters to fight an intergalactic menace. Fuck fuck. 09:09:02 AM

The 1996 film Space Jam featured Michael Jordan and the Looney Toons. IMDb spells out the plot succinctly: “Michael Jordan agrees to help the Looney Toons play a basketball game vs. alien slavers to determine their freedom.” So there’s that.

Axelrod says no way: “Remember when the Bulls won for the sixth time and it felt like getting fucked on a pile of ponies? Vote Rahm.” 09:20:47 AM

How did you know that listening to you bitch was exactly what I wanted to do on a beautiful fucking Friday? 03:47:30 PM

The listening tour continued.

Why is it the only fucking places I find you people are riding the L or stuffing your fucking face? Or, worse, both? 03:51:54 PM

I will tell you this though: stand on a fucking L platform long enough and you will see every shade of vomit known to man. Vibrant! 04:04:05 PM

I just became the mayor of Fuck You in the Fucking Face, it’s Friday on @foursquare. 04:13:40 PM

Axelrod’s on his way over with a bucket of chicken, a growler of Half Acre and his copy of “2012.” TGIMFF. 06:24:11 PM

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Plouffe just faxed over the itinerary. I’ve got to hit 13 farmer’s markets. Here’s a secret: edible greens scare the shit out of me. Fuck. 08:47:35 AM

Jesus motherfucking Christ, I hope to never see another winter squash in my motherfucking life. Fuck you and your fucking farmer’s markets. 05:20:29 PM

Also, Chicago, what the fuck is up with all the baby strollers? Did you spend the two goddamn years I was gone just fucking nonstop? 06:11:24 PM

Long-Distance Runner

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Christ, I’m going to have to shake a lot of fucking sweaty hands today, aren’t I? First sign of bloody nipples and I’m fucking GONE. 08:47:30 AM

The first Chicago Marathon was run on Saturday, September 23, 1905, less than a decade after the first Olympic marathon. Some 38,132 runners ran in the 2010 race.

I know I’m supposed to say you’re all heroic athletes, but I just saw a guy in a chicken suit puke up a Clif Bar at mile fucking three. 09:15:19 AM

Congratulations, marathon runners! You’re 26.2 miles closer to a motherfucking knee replacement! 05:19:23 PM

Axelrod’s mustache finished the cock-shocking marathon in 5:38. 07:18:18 PM

Just looked over Plouffe’s itinerary for the week. It is fucktacularly stupid. How long does this goddamn listening tour have to last again? 09:23:28 PM

Talk to the Disembodied Hand

Monday, October 11, 2010

So which godforsaken corner of this motherfucking city am I headed to today in this never-ending dick-slamming tour? 08:14:35 AM

I refuse to choke down another fucking pepper and egg sandwich. Seriously, how has this entire city not died from a coronary? 09:26:29 AM

The pepper-and-egg is a uniquely Chicagoan breakfast: it’s scrambled eggs and green peppers stuffed inside a toasted French bread roll. Mozzarella cheese is optional. Local history assigns the invention of the pepper-and-egg sandwich to the influx of Catholic immigrants from Italy looking for a meal to replace meat on Fridays during Lent. Like many Chicago culinary delights, it is incredibly delicious. And it will kill you dead one day.

Dick Mell is the king of the pepper and egg. Eats three or four of them every morning. Ends up smelling like a sulfur bath all day. 09:33:14 AM

Seriously considering having my shaking hand amputated and sending it around the city alone so I can get some actual fucking work done. 05:38:33 PM

Hey, Sauganash, come shake the disembodied hand of Rahm Emanuel tomorrow, while I’m busy not giving a fuck about you somewhere else. 05:43:42 PM

Sauganash is a neighborhood on the far northwest side of the city.

Fucking seriously, doesn’t Flores have any “listening” to do? Come on: Carol Moseley Braun doesn’t have to “listen” to any motherfuckers? 06:02:54 PM

That would be one-term Senator Carol Moseley Braun, the first (and only) African-American woman elected to the US Senate. Elected to the Senate in 1992, she served as ambassador to New Zealand after she lost reelection, and briefly ran for the Democratic nomination for president in 2004. Since then, she’s maintained a low profile, running a small coffee and tea import business in Chicago called Ambassador Organics. Her entrance into the mayoral race, which happened before Emanuel’s, took many by surprise, as she’d effectively been out of local politics since her Senate win.

Yet here I am fucking “listening” to all you fucking v-holes prattle on and on about fucking potholes and parking meters every fucking day. 06:05:04 PM

New slogan: “Hey Chicago: Just park in the fucking space and be done with it. Emanuel ’11.” 06:09:17 PM

Mayor Daley leased the rights to the parking meters in a spectacularly awful 75-year deal worth $1.16 billion. While the sketchy specifics of the actual deal were reported widely after the fact, what most people were up in arms about was the fact that it replaced meters with pay boxes, and you’d have to walk an entire half-block to pay. People were really pissed about that.

Scowling through the Columbus Day Parade, Ed Burke said I had a case of the Mondays. More like the Can’t-Fucking-Stand-You Days. 08:59:28 PM

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Someone fucking needs to fucking bring me a fucking coffee this very fucking second. 08:12:56 AM

Jesus fucking cock-twats: Biden is in town? Fucking Christ, I’ll be hiding out in a goddamn undisclosed location for the rest of the day. 12:59:35 PM

Vice President Joe Biden came to Chicago to stump for Illinois Governor Pat Quinn, who took over as governor when Rod Blagojevich was arrested for attempting to sell Barack Obama’s former Senate seat. Quinn was running for his first elected term as governor.

Would someone fucking pledge to WBEZ already so those sad fucking radio-tards will shut the fuck up? 05:10:32 PM

WBEZ is the major public radio station in Chicago.

The “Stuck in a Mine” Strategy

Fuck yes, you Chilean miner sons-of-bitches, fuck yes. 11:00:01 PM

News had just broken that 33 Chilean miners, stuck in a collapsed gold and copper mine for 69 days, were about to be rescued.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

New slogan: “Because Chicago is in a deeper fucking hole than the fucking Chilean miners. Vote Rahm.” 08:49:19 AM

I’ve got Axelrod looking into where to get one of those miner rescue elevators so I can ride one around Ed Burke’s lower fucking intestine. 08:55:23 AM

If you need me today, I’ll be at home watching CNN and bawling like a motherfucking baby. 09:35:22 AM

Been on BBM with Plouffe, selling him on my “stuck in a mine” strategy. (1) don’t have to shake fucking hands; (2) in 90 days you’ll love me. 05:01:22 PM

Axelrod just came over and we’re both wearing hard hats and only eating food we can cram through a motherfucking 6” hole. This is the life. 05:41:28 PM

You would be amazed just how many different kinds of food you can stuff through a 6” hole. Axelrod got an entire fucking turkey through. 07:58:27 PM

I find the Chilean miner rescue incredibly moving. Once this last guy is up, we’re going to send ’em all back down, right? Fuck yes. 08:00:54 PM

So everyone’s up from the mine? Jesus fucking Christ-twat … now what? 10:25:59 PM

Every miner was brought up, one at a time, from the mine in a 21?-diameter capsule, a ride that took 15 minutes.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I woke up with a hard hat in my hands, looked up at the hole Axelrod and I drilled in the ceiling, and just started fucking weeping. Emptiness. 07:34:50 AM

I know it’s not reasonable but, deep fucking down, I bet you too wish they’d continue to pull Chileans up from the ground forever. 07:36:51 AM

What has brought this city closer together than feeling motherfucking one with 33 people stuck in the ground of another continent? Nothing. 07:41:46 AM

New slogan: “Bring back that first miner feeling. Emanuel for motherfucking mayor.” 07:45:33 AM

A Field of Dong-Tards and Shit-Eaters

I actually wanted Madigan to run. Have you seen the rest of the shit-tards that have announced? Give me someone fucking competent. 12:42:33 PM

Lisa Madigan, the attorney general for Illinois and daughter of the power broker of the statehouse, Speaker of the House Mike Madigan, was another name high on the list of possible mayoral contenders. While there was a great deal of media attention and public support for the idea of her entering the race, she officially announced on Chicago Public Radio that she was out.

Is it too late to get in on the fucking attorney general race? Come on, Madigan, let’s do this! Don’t leave me with Hendon and Flores. 03:33:50 PM

Flores had actually dropped out of the race four days before, a fact that I’d completely missed.

Unless motherfucking Oprah motherfucking Winfrey enters this race, it’s going to be me against a field of dong-tards and shiteaters. 03:38:09 PM

Seriously, a debate with these shit-galoids will end with me crushing my cock with the podium, just to feel SOMETHING. 03:43:31 PM

New slogan: “Vote Rahm: Because Jesus cock-Christ, look at the other fucking guys.” 03:58:10 PM

If I’d have known the field was going to end up this fucking limp-dicked, I’d have stayed in Washington through the fucking midterms. 04:10:46 PM

Enter the Intern

Friday, October 15, 2010

Right about now I’m getting that sinking fucking feeling that I was served motherfucking decaf. 08:40:10 AM

Fucking Friday night fucking starts fucking right fucking now. 04:02:17 PM

So the e-mail started “Dear First Name.” That was Plouffe’s quick fix to the original: “Dear Motherfucking Twat-tards.” 05:20:48 PM

The early days of the real Emanuel campaign were not the smoothest. Their first e-mail blast, sent Friday afternoon, was addressed to “Dear First Name.”

Dear First Name, Fuck you in your fucking pie-hole, you stupid motherfucking snatch-drip. Yours, Rahm. 05:27:52 PM

Dear First Name, Who’s got one and a half middle fingers, six beers, and doesn’t give a fuck if I got your name right? This guy. 05:34:08 PM

I have no idea if the real Rahm Emanuel is a heavy drinker, but @MayorEmanuel sure was.

Dear First Name, Plouffe assures me that we’re going to have an actual fucking communications team in place soon. The intern is a cocktard. 05:40:25 PM

“The intern is a cocktard” was the first mention of a soon-to-be central character in this story, invented entirely thanks to the Dear First Name e-mail.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Holy shit-cocks, I should have stopped at nine beers last night. My fucking head is going to fucking explode at this breakfast meeting. 08:39:00 AM

Of course Axelrod waltzes into the meeting like he drank nothing last night. That motherfucker’s liver is made of motherfucking Teflon. 11:03:50 AM

Fucking shine on, you motherfucking amazing fucking sun. 01:05:09 PM

Shitwork

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Fuck your motherfucking Sunday morning, I’m sleeping until goddamn noon. 08:59:21 AM

Fucking motherfucking fuck-shitting ass-cocked Bears. 02:47:05 PM

The Bears lost to the Seattle Seahawks, 23–20.

I really did try to listen to that fucking debate. But as soon as Quinn opens his mouth, I feel like a little part of me cock-plucking dies. 10:31:29

The aforementioned Pat Quinn was running for his first elected term as governor.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Shit-shaking dong-stompers. 08:27:47 AM

Really, what’s a few motherfucking million raised? Don’t fucking worry, Dart, I’m sure someone will give you some cash at some point. 03:47:09 PM

Rumors were beginning to circulate in the press that Emanuel had already raised millions—even before officially declaring that he was a candidate for mayor. His fund-raising prowess significantly complicated the life of anyone attempting to run against him.

Today was one never-ending fucking strategy session. Workloads doubled when Axelrod’s mustache announced it was taking the week off. 08:46:48 PM

Seriously, if that motherfucking ’stache is talking to fucking Meeks, I’m going to lose it. 08:48:20 PM

That’d be James Meeks, a mayoral candidate, Illinois state senator and pastor of the 24,000-member Salem Baptist Church in Chicago’s Pullman neighborhood on the far South Side. To the best of my knowledge, he never had a meeting with David Axelrod’s mustache.

Axelrod says it’s just taking a few days to see the fall colors in WI, but really: what fucking mustache takes off two weeks before midterms? 08:50:53 PM

Anyway, a week without that mustache just went from a slog to a motherfucking full-fledged shit-wallow. 08:54:38 PM

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I’m going to close my eyes and imagine a coffeepot as big as the motherfucking Sears motherfucking Tower. 08:00:16 AM

Chicago’s Sears Tower, the tallest building in America (and at one point, the world), was renamed the Willis Tower in 2009 when a London-based insurance broker took over three of the building’s 110 floors. Everyone still calls it the Sears Tower, except apparently a handful of assholes on Twitter, who have to point out that it’s actually called the Willis Tower now. It’s fun to fuck with them.

You want to know my definition of hell? This motherfucking lunch meeting that the fucking communications intern set up with Billy Dec. Fuck. 12:04:33 PM

For all the aldermen, cabinet secretaries, and other little-known names that are dropped in this story, the littlest known has to be Billy Dec. A club owner in Chicago, he briefly entered Chicago political consciousness in the lead-up to Chicago’s failed bid for the 2016 Olympics, when he posted YouTube videos of himself with various celebrities, asking them how they felt about the Olympics coming to Chicago.

Jesus fucking Christ, apparently it’s take-a-lunch-meeting-with-a-raging-douchebag day. 12:09:22 PM

Fuck me. He’s wearing his “dressy” baseball hat. Asked Axelrod to circle the block one more time. Considering jumping into traffic. 12:17:06 PM

That was a half hour I’ll never fucking get back. On the upside, the Rumble in the Jungle Turkey Wrap at the Rainforest Cafe—tasty! 12:43:10 PM

Next time I even hear the motherfucking name Billy Dec, I’m slamming my cock in the door of Axelrod’s Civic. 02:41:31 PM

Watching Alexi and Kirk debate is like fucking a sackful of dumb. 07:36:52 PM

Alexi Giannoulias’s opponent was Republican Mark Kirk.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Going around the public schools with Huberman today. That guy smells like motherfucking sadness. 08:04:29 AM

While Emanuel did tour public schools that week, he didn’t do it with Ron Huberman. Huberman was the CEO of the Chicago Public Schools, having taken over the position after Arne Duncan moved to Washington, DC. He would resign his position on November 29, 2010.

Axelrod tells me it’s not a word but Jesus fucking Christ it’s going to take a bazillion fucking dollars to save these fucking schools. 02:36:15 PM

In fact, the Chicago Public Schools face a deficit of around $750 million.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I’ve asked Axelrod to come over and just pour the coffee straight into my mouth while I’m still lying here. “I’ll be right over!” 07:12:10 AM

Christ, I’m so fucking tired I forgot to swear in that last Tweet: fucking motherfucking shit cock ass fuck twat. Feeling better already. 07:33:11 AM

So Ari is throwing me a fund-raiser soon, except he keeps calling it a “fuck-raiser.” I don’t even know what that fucking means. He scares me. 07:40:46 AM

Ari is, of course, Ari Emanuel, Rahm’s younger brother and a major power player in the entertainment industry. He’s the inspiration for the Ari Gold character in the TV show Entourage. If you’ve seen the show, that means you now know more about Ari Emanuel than I do. The press reported that Ari would throw a fund-raiser for Emanuel in LA on November 4.

But, I’d rather be on a flight to LA than have to tour another pathetic fucking school. Today’s might as well be the Oliver Twist Academy. 07:54:14 AM

Sufficiently coffeed. Alright, Chicago, I’m going to fuck you in the fucking face today. 08:28:08 AM

Dart Rules!

If Dart’s rent-a-cops pull over Axelrod’s Civic one more time, I’m going to stuff my fist so far up his ass my stump will tickle his uvula. 03:36:22 PM

Axelrod just called me from the impound. Dart’s goons hauled his fucking Civic in. Oh, it’s motherfucking on now, you fucking motherfuck. 05:50:53 PM

Sheriff Woody from “Toy Story” is more of a real lawman than that cocktard Dart. “There’s a motherfucking snake in my boot.” 06:05:43 PM

Friday, October 22, 2010

Axelrod just pulled up in his Civic, gave a beep and I went out. The thing has DART RULES spraypainted across the motherfucking hood. 07:24:15 AM

I’m going to have to drink ten thousand motherfucking beers to make this day motherfucking better. 04:06:23 PM

Chicago, it’s really fucking easy: Put down the fucking mouse, walk out the fucking door, it’s fucking Friday. 04:34:00 PM

Axelrod just showed up with a fucking case of toilet paper. We’re going to TP the living shit out of Dart’s house! 06:50:41 PM

Saturday, October 23, 2010

If you think I’m getting out of fucking bed on a rainy Saturday, you’re out of your motherfucking cock-holed mind. 12:09:17 PM

The fuck is Plouffe sending me to store openings for? What’s next, being a motherfucking greeter at the Pullman Walmart? 01:43:44 PM

Emanuel made an appearance at the blocks-long lineup for the grand opening of the Apple Store in Chicago’s wealthy Lincoln Park neighborhood. The Walmart in Pullman (the first to open in Chicago) will open in 2013—I would expect that Emanuel will in fact be there.

And seriously, there is an entirely different class of douchebag that shows up at an Apple Store opening in Lincoln fucking Park. 01:47:55 PM

Who wants a MacBook Air with a side of asshole? Order fucking up. 01:55:14 PM

Fucking Christ, morning at the Apple Store, afternoon at Whole Foods. Suck it out of my asshole, Lincoln Park! 07:16:54 PM

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Hey, Chicago, get your hands off your fucking cock and get the fuck outside. It’s motherfucking incredible out here. 01:00:28 PM

I swear to fucking god, Honeycrisp apples are motherfucking twatlicious! 03:17:38 PM

Cameos too—you put that shit into your fucking face-hole and you think, “Motherfucker, I am eating a fucking apple.” 03:31:33 PM

Monday, October 25, 2010

Fuck your fucking Monday morning right in its fucking puckered fucking pink fucking asshole. 07:26:36 AM

Axelrod’s mustache was back today after its week off. Good to have that bushy motherfucker back. 06:37:49 PM

Batten down the hatches, motherfuckers! 08:19:10 PM

The news had been filled with warnings about a coming windstorm—2,200 miles long, with hurricane-speed winds.

Axelrod’s refusing to come up from the basement. Pretty sure that motherfucker’s eaten most of the canned peaches. Fuck me. 08:28:49 PM

Axelrod’s calling up from the basement, telling me I shouldn’t be up on the roof yelling, “BRING IT ON, YOU WINDY MOTHERFUCKERS.” 10:34:05 PM

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

COME ON YOU FUCKING WEATHER, IS THIS THE BEST YOU FUCKING GOT? 07:49:06 AM

Now there’s motherfucking blue motherfucking skies out there. This goddamn wind storm can fucking blow me. 10:23:52 AM

In Chicago, the much-hyped windstorm didn’t amount to much. The Chicago Tribune reported that, “It was hard for some in the city—where the weather was cloudy and blustery—to reconcile what they saw with descriptions of this being ‘the largest storm in decades.’” That would be because it wasn’t.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

C-fuck-O-fuck-F-fuck-F-fuck-E-fuck-E. 07:13:21 AM

So I see that motherfucker Dart got that shit-box I sent him. 10:49:24 AM

Hey, Chicago, meet the new motherfucking sheriff in town. 10:51:25 AM

Tom Dart announced that he would not seek the office of mayor, citing the impact it would have on his family. He remains the sheriff of Cook County.

A Field of Fucking Pussies

Strategy session: do we just hold the fucking election early? Or do we not fucking bother at all? Seems like a fucking formality now. 10:54:34 AM

Axelrod’s telling me I need to do more at this news conference than let them film my motherfucking victory lap. 12:47:50 PM

Dear Chicago, I’m sorry that 21 years of Daley gave you a field of fucking pussies. And me. 06:18:12 PM

But really, when I look at this fucking pathetic field and the most credible candidate casts dicks in cement, I mostly feel sorry for you. 06:31:31 PM

So in an election that was not wanting for characters, an early candidate was Cynthia Albritton, better known as Cynthia Plaster Caster, an artist who made a name for herself casting the penises of musicians. For real. The song “Plaster Caster,” by Kiss? That’s about her. She dubbed her political party “The Hard Party” and distributed pins urging voters to “Erect Cynthia Plaster Caster for Mayor.” Unfortunately, she never turned in signatures to officially get on the ballot.

New slogan: “I mostly feel sorry for you, you pathetic fucking shit-tards. Emanuel ’11.” 06:41:02 PM

Thursday, October 28, 2010

When I finish this cup of coffee, I’m going to dump the filter and fuck the grinds. 07:04:17 AM

13 voice mails from Hendon yesterday reminding me that he was a “real” candidate. No you’re not, Rickey. No you’re fucking not. 07:53:13 AM

New slogan: “Your other choice is Rickey fucking Hendon. Emanuel ’11.” 08:08:07 AM

Axelrod just came over with a fuck-it bucket of chicken. This night just got a whole motherfucking lot better. 08:53:00 PM

The Halloween Party

Friday, October 29, 2010

Holy Jesus fucking Christ-hole, I have a massive chicken hangover. 08:36:48 AM

Shit-fucking fuck-shitters, it’s motherfucking cold out here! 09:07:04 AM

Fuck you, you fucking motherfuckers, it’s finally motherfucking Friday. 04:39:35 PM

Supposed to go to a Halloween party at Carl the Intern’s apartment tonight. Word is Shiller’s wearing a “sexy can of fruit” outfit. Fuck. 04:58:03 PM

The “Dear First Name” intern finally got a first name of his own: Carl. As it turns out there’s a cartoon called Phineas & Ferb that also has an intern named Carl in it. Pure coincidence—Carl is apparently just a very good name for an intern.

Also, fucking Flores is supposed to be there. Assuming he’s going dressed as a ten-year-old girl because that’s what he looks like anyway. 05:07:01 PM

Jody Weis is supposed to be there too. That stupid motherfucker always comes to this shit in his uniform—“I’m going as a hero.” Fuck off. 05:17:09 PM

Me, I’m going as Mr. Schuester from “Glee.” I love that motherfucking show so fucking much it fucking scares me sometimes. 05:40:28 PM

There were moments in the @MayorEmanuel feed where I’d introduce an idea with the intention of picking it up again. Rahm Emanuel: diehard Glee fan was one of those, but it never really came together, except for another single reference months later.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

I would try to sum up my night, but I’ll just leave it at “Who wants to open up this can of fruit?” Holy shit-fucking-Christ-fuck. 08:31:14 AM

The scariest part of Halloween this year is the realization that I’m going to be voting for motherfucking Alexi in three days. BOO! 11:58:15 AM

All Hallows’ Eve

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Just bought a little fake blood sprayer I can attach to my finger stump. These fucking trick-or-treat kids will shit their diapers. 09:34:34 AM

Guy came to my door in the most fucking amazing Zombie Pat Quinn outfit. Then I realized it was actually just sad-shitting Quinn himself. 02:24:59 PM

Holy fuck, I’ve eaten so much candy corn that I think I can see through motherfucking time! 06:09:44 PM

Caught in a fucking candy-corn haze. Jean Baptiste Point Du Sable and Papa Bear Halas are dancing. Axelrod’s mustache sings like an angel. 08:51:02 PM

Du Sable was the first recorded resident of Chicago, living there in early 1790. George “Papa Bear” Halas was the head coach of the Chicago Bears from 1922 to, impossibly, 1967. His other nickname was “Mr. Everything,” which is super awesome.

John Belushi and Harold Washington are swimming in the river. Their bodies bleed together in the dark murk of the water. FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. 09:04:20 PM

Harold Washington—referred to in deferential tones simply as “Harold”—was the first African-American mayor of Chicago. Elected in 1983, he died in office in 1987. Comedian John Belushi was one of the original cast members of Saturday Night Live. He died from a drug overdose in 1982.

I look out the window and the Hancock and the Sears reach out and kiss each other tenderly. My fucking tears taste like celery salt. 09:15:12 PM

The stars are red and the sky is striped with blue. I baptize myself in the lake’s frigid waters. I AM REFUCKINGBORN. 10:32:40 PM

Monday, November 1, 2010

Where the fuck am I? What the fuck happened last night? And why the fuck am I wearing nothing but Payton’s retired jersey? 08:00:45 AM

That’d be Walter “Sweetness” Payton, the legendary Chicago Bear.

I’m on a roof. All I see up here with me is the head of Benny the Bull and about 700 motherfucking Brady for Gov yard signs. Uh … help? 08:35:24 AM

Bill Brady was running on the Republican ticket for governor of Illinois.

OK, I’m on the roof of the Museum of Science and Industry. Axelrod’s got a ladder set up. Fucking Christ, I’ve gotta lay off the sugar. 09:00:53 AM

The Motherfucking Midterms

I would rather wet my ballsack and stick it to a frozen fucking flagpole than vote for Quinn and Alexi tomorrow. But I will anyway. 06:41:18 PM

I know it’s not a ringing fucking endorsement, but seriously: they’re both as dumb as a sack of cocks. But the other guys are dumber. 06:55:21 PM

Claypool actually seems like a smart motherfucker. Or maybe it’s just that Berrios makes me vomit into my fucking mouth whenever I see him. 10:36:46 PM

Never knew the candidates in the Cook County assessor’s race? Now you do: Forrest Claypool and Joe Berrios.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Just voted. Yep, that felt just as shitty as I thought it would. Ah, motherfucking democracy. 07:23:33 AM

Alexi just called to thank me, except it came out sounding like “Tankoo f’ya vode.” I get dumber every time I talk with that motherfucker. 11:40:52 AM

Axelrod and I are debating whether it makes more sense to get drunk now or wait until West Coast polls close. Fuck it. Now. 05:59:51 PM

The seven-o’clock polls on the East Coast were about to close. The Democratic bloodbath of the 2010 midterm elections was about to begin. And @MayorEmanuel and Axelrod were about to get very, very drunk.

I present to you the new motherfucking congressperson from Kentucky, Rand Paul. And people wondered why I got out when I did. 06:07:31 PM

Rand Paul’s Senate victory was the first of many GOP upsets of the night. The speed with which updates were happening made it difficult to keep up. That’s my best excuse for my mistake of moving Paul from the Senate to the House.

Holy motherfucking Jesus fucking Christ, we do not have anywhere near enough alcohol to get us through this fucking night. 06:10:08 PM

You know, it’s really not that the Republicans are going to win tonight, it’s that the ones who will are all motherfucking crazy. 06:25:07 PM

Axelrod is insisting that Paul is a senator, not a congressperson. I’m insisting that he pour me another dozen drinks before I accept it. 06:34:13 PM

And my Paul mistake was corrected.

You know shit is bad when your highlight reel has to include a guy who won against a motherfucking antimasturbation ass-crazy witch. 07:21:27 PM

Delaware was announced for Democrat Chris Coons, beating GOP candidate Christine O’Donnell, who had somehow managed to spend much of the campaign explaining past antimasturbation speeches and denying that she was a witch.

The New Democratic Party: We can beat the shit out of wrestlers and witches. Regular old nutjobs? Not so fucking much. 07:36:48 PM

Connecticut was called for Democrat Richard Blumenthal, beating the Republican candidate, Linda McMahon, whose prior experience was running World Wrestling Entertainment.

Wins in Connecticut, Delaware, and West Virginia. Someone want to chalk one up in a motherfucking state that motherfucking counts? 07:55:57 PM

Fax from Plouffe is coming in now. It just reads “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU …” I’m assuming a C-K will come in eventually. 08:03:00 PM

Axelrod just went out to get more beer and about 75 fuck-it buckets of chicken. This night calls for a good old-fashioned deep-fry wallow. 08:22:09 PM

That Rand Paul speech almost made me choke on my own motherfucking vomit. Six years of that asshole. Six fucking years. 08:25:45 PM

Contemplating snapping my cock in a mousetrap. Has to be better than the rest of these fucking results. 08:47:32 PM

Yep, it was. Might need a motherfucking Band-Aid though. 08:54:31 PM

How is it that motherfucking Colorado is emerging as the most sane fucking state in the union? 09:28:08 PM

Colorado bucked the overall anti-Democrat trend of the night, electing a Democratic governor and retaining its Democratic senator.

I know it’s great if Alexi wins, but seriously: we’ll all have to stare at his dumb fucking face for the next six years. 09:39:27 PM

Making a call to Feingold, trying to get that asshole over here to drink with me and Axelrod. What the fuck else does he have to do now? 09:40:34 PM

Russ Feingold, longtime reformer and political maverick, had just lost the Senate seat he had held in Wisconsin since 1993.

Seriously, Russ, it shouldn’t have been motherfucking you. 09:54:52 PM

Jesus fucking Christ, I can’t fucking take it. Axelrod switched over to reruns of “Night Court,” and I’m not changing it back. 10:02:29 PM

Just interrupted “Night Court” to say the Dems will lose the House. Hope the next interruption is to tell me that the night is fucking dark. 10:20:11 PM

Just four years before, Emanuel had become Democratic Caucus chairman of the House after the Democrats regained control of that chamber.

If that crazy fucking motherfucking fucking Sharron fucking Angle fucking wins, I’m fucking done with motherfucking democracy. 10:27:40 PM

Sharron Angle was the GOP candidate in Nevada, looking to unseat Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. She was, by most accounts, pretty fucking crazy.

Hey, Meg Whitman, you can buy anything, but you can’t buy motherfucking backbone. 10:42:44 PM

Meg Whitman was the Republican candidate for Senate in California. It had just been announced that she had lost her self-financed $163 million campaign. Why not send her out with a nice Rushmore reference?

Feingold just got here. That motherfucker is seriously in a bad place. But things are looking up: “Hey, is that ‘Night Court’? Awesome.” 10:57:46 PM

You know, I’d feel a lot better about the Democrats retaining the goddamn Senate if they’d all pull their fucking fists out of their asses. 11:03:58 PM

I’m just going to say it right now: The Boehner/boner jokes are too fucking easy. Motherfucking amateur motherfucking hour. 11:14:53 PM

This didn’t stop Twitter from lighting up with those very jokes almost immediately after John Boehner was announced as the new Speaker of the House.

Shit motherfucking fuck shitting shit fuckers. Fucking shitbagging tea shitters. Fuck fucking fuck motherfuck. Shit shitting shittingshit. 11:21:11 PM

@MayorEmanuel doesn’t take lightly the announcement that the Democrats have lost Obama’s former Senate seat.

Alexi was a dumb fucking sack of shit. But he was OUR dumb fucking sack of shit. 11:28:39 PM

So it comes down to hoping that Harry fucking Reid pulls off Nevada? Is there a Chicago on some tropical fucking island I can be mayor of? 11:47:26 PM

Congratulations on the win, Harry, you colossally boring, old fucking man. 11:56:54 PM

Harry Reid held his seat in Nevada, and the Democrats held onto a slim majority in the Senate.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Feingold passed out. I tucked his jacket around him and am letting the sad motherfucker sleep. Dream the dreams of the righteous, Russ. 12:10:04 AM

Me? I’m up all night. This “Night Court” thing turned out to be a motherfucking MARATHON. Oh Bull, you gentle fucking giant, hold us all. 12:16:28 AM

Groundhog Day

Holy fucking shit-bags. Can we get a motherfucking do-over on yesterday? 07:33:09 AM

Carl the Intern has just been sent on the mother of all coffee runs. There’s going to be a world fucking shortage when he’s done. 08:30:59 AM

Feingold just woke up. Not entirely clear he remembers what happened last night. I’m certainly not going to fucking tell him. 01:33:27 PM

Axelrod cleared all the newspapers, so Feingold still doesn’t know. Current plan is to convince him he’s fucking stuck, “Groundhog Day” style. 10:12:49 PM

Two Bill Murray film references in 24 hours.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Filled the bathtub with coffee. About to dunk my motherfucking head in it. 07:36:42 AM

Downside to this “Groundhog Day” plan with Feingold: Axelrod’s sweater really fucking smells on day three. 08:13:16 AM

Shit—who knew Russ knew how to use a computer? Now he’s fucking bawling again. 10:27:21 AM

California, Dreaming

Off to the airport to head to LA for Ari’s fund-raiser. I know he’s my brother, but he fucking terrifies me. 10:28:09 AM

Ari met me at LAX wearing nothing but a chinchilla coat. “Are you ready for this?” he asked, grinning. No I’m fucking not. 05:01:38 PM

Ari drives his Tesla about five miles an hour. And whistles at every woman we pass. My back fucking hurts from slumping in my seat. 05:26:14 PM

“Oh, it’s motherfucking on now, you fucking motherfuckers!” That’s Ari, shouting from the balcony, before jumping into the pool below. 07:42:54 PM

The fund-raiser portrayed here did indeed happen (though clearly the details are a little different). It was cohosted by Ari, David Geffen, Bob Iger (CEO of Disney), Peter Chernin (former CEO of Fox Entertainment), and Haim Saban (a media mogul whom you’ve probably never heard of but is credited with creating He-Man and producing the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. He’s also the 102nd richest person in America).

David Geffen keeps egging him on. Geffen, by the way, travels with a pack of tiny fucking dogs. There are like 40 of them here. 07:45:05 PM

Ari has a midget walking around with a bowl strapped to his head for people to put money in. “He’s your donation munchkin!!” Fuck. 07:50:55 PM

When the midget walked in, I said “Ari, no.” And he said, “Look, you fucking piece of shit, at least it’s not a coke mirror on his head.” 07:54:31 PM

Kid Rock just showed up. I feel giddy like a motherfucking schoolgirl. 08:05:33 PM

Bob Iger just showed up wearing only a little leather pouch over his cock. Ari says that’s how he’s always dressed when he’s not at Disney. 08:30:20 PM

You know who’s fucking classy? Meryl motherfucking Streep. She didn’t show, but she sent a really nice card. And $10k. 08:46:25 PM

Kid Rock and Geffen got into a fistfight. Crashed through the French doors, off the balcony, and into the pool. His dogs are jumping in too. 08:53:49 PM

Seriously there are like 70 fucking tiny dogs freaking the fuck out in the pool. Donation munchkin is trying to fish them out. There he goes. 08:57:09 PM

So now my fucking money is floating in the pool, while a midget, 80 tiny dogs, David fucking Geffen, and Kid Rock splash around. 09:00:24 PM

Jesus fucking Christ this is a fucking disaster. I should have stayed home shaking hands at your motherfucking L station. 09:11:31 PM

Iger seems to have “lost” his cock-pouch. Just fucking perfect. 09:14:58 PM

You know who’s awesome? Geffen’s boyfriend. Walked over, handed me a beer, and said, “Welcome to motherfucking LA. Get out while you can.” 09:53:27 PM

Friday, November 5, 2010

“Wake the fuck up, you stupid fucking shitbag.” Yeah, good morning to you too, Ari. I cannot wait to catch the plane home. 08:34:11 AM

Kid Rock is passed out on a lawn chair and they’re still pulling Geffen’s dogs out of the pool filter. But I made 500k. Good fucking haul. 08:40:28 AM

In reality, Emanuel made far more than $500k from that fund-raiser. Once his campaign finance records for Q4 were released, it was revealed that Saban alone donated $300,000.

Three things LA has that Chicago doesn’t: 1) warmth; 2) a shit-ton of rich assholes willing to give me money; 3) taco trucks. 09:00:42 AM

One thing Chicago has that LA doesn’t: a fucking soul. Let’s head motherfucking home. 09:05:33 AM

Home Again

When I beat you, I’m not sitting down to dinner with you afterwards. I’m not having a fucking beer. When I beat you, you stay fucking beat. 04:24:55 PM

This was the season of summits between rival candidates in Illinois. There was a “sandwich summit” between Illinois Governor Quinn and his GOP opponent Bill Brady at Manny’s Deli in Chicago following the end of their contested election. This followed a “beer summit” between Giannoulias and his Republican rival Mark Kirk at Chicago’s Billy Goat Tavern.

Fuck you, Chicago, it’s motherfucking Friday motherfucking night. Time to go the fuck home. 05:59:33 PM

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Whoever called this motherfucking Saturday morning meeting is a motherfucking dead man. 08:26:29 AM

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Fuck you, Daylight Savings Time, fuck you right in your stupid fucking sun orbit. 08:01:52 AM

You know what’s cute? That Chico thinks he has a fucking chance. Awwwww. 09:23:14 AM

That’s Gery Chico, a longtime figure in Chicago politics. He served as Daley’s chief of staff for three years, and then as the board president of the Chicago Public Schools, the Chicago Park District, and the Chicago City Colleges. Amazingly, he positioned himself as an outsider early on in this race. He ran hard against Emanuel the whole time, but in these early days tried to paint Rahm as more in line with Washington, DC, and Hollywood than Chicago. On the day Emanuel was at his brother’s fund-raiser in LA, Chico held a press conference at the Hollywood Grill, a longtime diner in the Wicker Park neighborhood.

I’d be more excited about this Bears win if the experience of watching them didn’t feel like stuffing a Q-tip up my fucking urethra. 03:16:21 PM

The Bears had only narrowly beaten the winless (to that point in the season) Buffalo Bills 21–19.

Beach Bums

Monday, November 8, 2010

Fucking motherfucking fuck-loving coffee. 07:29:23 AM

Today’s strategy session: Do we actually pretend that Davis and Chico matter, or do we just not give a fuck? 09:21:00 AM

US Representative Danny Davis, in office since 1997, was another candidate in the mayoral race. This was not his first shot at the office, however; he had previously run against Daley in an unsuccessful bid in 1991.

Fuck you, winter! It’s motherfucking incredible outside! 12:47:07 PM

It really was incredible outside, the first of a string of 60 degree–plus days in November.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I know I’m supposed to be shaking hands at some fucking factory, but fuck it: me and Axelrod are heading to the Oak Street Beach. You in? 09:56:41 AM

In a few weeks, you’re going to be cock-deep in snow. Fuck your job and come to the motherfucking beach, you assholes. 10:08:05 AM

Axelrod in a Speedo is a motherfucking magnificent sight. 10:23:26 AM

Standing knee-deep in this fucking water, feeling the sun in my face. If someone hands me a taco al pastor, I’d be happy to fucking die here. 10:49:57 AM

If this weather holds up, I’ll use my political capital in DC to change November to Nofuckingvember! With the fucking exclamation point. 11:27:07 AM

Let’s Go Fly a Kite

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Kites, people. Look at this fucking weather. Today it’s motherfucking kites. 08:43:19 AM

Seriously, Axelrod and I are heading to Montrose fucking Harbor. I’ll be flying the giant fucking pirate ship. Axelrod’s got Hello Kitty. 08:50:50 AM

It seems like every city has a place where “kite people” congregate. Montrose Harbor, on the North Side, is Chicago’s.

When Axelrod pulled up in his Civic, he was still in his fucking Speedo. “It just feels right.” Fuck yes. 09:08:02 AM

I just want to bend this weather over and fuck it until it hurts. 12:31:52 PM

And you know what? You do too. NOFUCKINGVEMBER! 12:36:21 PM

Text from Plouffe: “Vacation’s over, ass-wipes. Back to work tomorrow.” Axelrod just mooned my phone. 02:26:25 PM

As punishment for my taking the last two days off, Plouffe just faxed over a press release: I’m announcing on a fucking Saturday. Fuck me. 08:25:19 PM

It’s worth noting here that Emanuel returned to Chicago in late September. This “fax from Plouffe” is setting the date for his announcement that he’ll actually be running for mayor, a month and a half after he arrived.

I faxed him back a picture of my cock. Fuck this motherfucking Saturday bullshit. 08:57:52 PM

Fuckyoupon

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Motherfucking cock-bowling shit-cleaners. Where is that fuck-crying qqcoffee? 07:41:17 AM

Around this time, the alternate keyboard I was using on my phone—a beta version of Swype—really started to get terrible. That double Q had to be deleted countless times, but I didn’t always catch them—this one is left in because it sets up the Tweet that follows.

Fuck, I’m so fucking tired that I can’t even motherfucking typ. 07:43:55 AM

Typo on this one entirely intentional.

You know what’s wrong with motherfucking John Kass besides fucking everything? That he actually thinks that “Rahmfather” shit is clever. 07:55:08 AM

Seriously, that guy needs to shut his talentless fucking trap before he wakes up one morning to find his hairplugs stuffed up his piss hole. 07:57:43 AM

John Kass writes a column on page A2 of the Chicago Tribune, the spot occupied by legendary “everyman” journalist Mike Royko until he died. It is a massive understatement to say that Kass is no Royko. That said, I believe his hair is genuine.

Plouffe faxed the schedule. I’m heading to some Internet company today. Like we’re going to save the fucking economy with 50% off spa days. 08:08:27 AM

Been on this Groupon tour for 20 minutes wondering why the fuck a 12-year-old is leading it. Turns out he’s their CEO. 11:41:52 AM

To be fair, Andrew Mason, the CEO of the daily deals site Groupon, looks more like an 18-year-old. Impossibly, he’s actually 29. Rahm visited many Chicago-based tech companies during his campaign, and Groupon, which Forbes once called “the fastest growing company ever,” fell very much in line with his message of economic innovation.

Apparently we’re saving the fucking city by thwarting child labor laws. I swear there’s nobody in this building above the age of 13. 11:46:50 AM

Seriously, can someone offer these guys 50% off employees who can grow fucking pubic hair? 11:51:28 AM

Axelrod has been playing foosball while I’ve been dragged on this motherfucking tour. How many computers do I have to stand and look at? 12:01:20 PM

That said, I’ve gotten 50% off so many motherfucking manicures that my cuticles are going to motherfucking blind you. 12:11:08 PM

I actually wrote this with the intention of using the detail later. Never did get back to the blinding cuticles. Like the Glee reference before it, a number of things went this way—I’d leave bread crumbs, little bits that could get picked up later if the opportunity arose (or, more accurately, if I remembered I’d written them).

Hey, Chico and Davis, I got you a Fuckyoupon: 50% off getting out of this race with your dick still stitched on. 12:18:54 PM

Fax from Plouffe: Alexi’s considering making a run for mayor. That’s what we need: more motherfucking losers in this race. 07:41:15 PM

There was no fax. Instead, there was a report from Chicago Sun-Times reporter Lynne Sweet that Alexi Giannoulias was pondering entering the mayoral race. “I don’t think Giannoulias is that interested in jumping in the mayor’s race,” Sweet wrote, “but his approach, I gather, is this: it doesn’t hurt to listen to the aldermen to see what they have to say.”

I swear to fucking god, Alexi enters the race and I will break my dick off and fuck him in his motherfucking exposed pores. 07:42:07 PM

I would rather debate my own fucking ballsack than have to stand at a podium across from Alexi and listen to his dumb fucking mouth. 07:47:08 PM

Hey, Alexi, I picked up a Fuckyoupon for you too: 75% off your worst motherfucking nightmare. 07:51:06 PM

Seriously, the thought of Alexi motherfucking Giannoulias entering this goddamn race makes me feel like my fucking brain is on fire. 08:02:14 PM

This City Used to Build Things

Friday, November 12, 2010

I motherfucking need some motherfucking coffee poured down my motherfucking gullet right motherfucking now. 07:43:25 AM

Strategy session for tomorrow: Axelrod says that “Why the fuck do you think I’m here, you fucking shitbags?” is “too strong” of an opener. 08:10:28 AM

Plouffe’s on speaker. Says I should look “fresh faced.” If that asshole ever comes to Chicago, I’m going to stick my ballsack in his eye. 08:15:36 AM

Axelrod also says no to, “I’m not here because I like you fucking twat-warts, I’m here to be your mayor.” 08:30:33 AM

Touring some fucking T-shirt company today. T-shirts and coupons? This city is so fucking motherfucking fucked. 10:13:51 AM

Rahm Emanuel visited the T-shirt company Threadless, which is based in Chicago, twice during the campaign. Threadless pioneered a vote-based system for selecting T-shirt designs that has been much imitated in the decade since it was founded.

Seriously, this city used to build things. Now we’re just assholes with novelty T-shirts. I’m with motherfucking stupid. 10:34:36 AM

Axelrod’s excited though: “I want the one of the cookie drinking a glass of milk.” 10:42:15 AM

For the next hour I’m going to be staring blankly at T-shirts pretending like I give a fuck. 10:54:12 AM

Yeah, it really is just a giant fucking pile of T-shirts. Axelrod is wearing about half of them at this point. 11:22:31 AM

Axelrod: “Do you have any shirts with wolves on them?” That fucking guy is obsessed with wolves. 11:32:06 AM

Can’t pull Axelrod away from this fucking Ping-Pong table. Maybe I need to leave a trail of T-shirts leading out the door, bread-crumb style. 12:05:52 PM

I see Alexi got that Fuckyoupon I sent over. Mason was right: the real profit is when they don’t redeem them. 01:58:09 PM

As quickly as the rumor started that Alexi was entering the race, another began that he was out.

Finally got Axelrod away from the Ping-Pong. Never need to look at another motherfucking T-shirt again. 04:06:28 PM

Action Items: (1) fucking (2) finally (3) it’s fucking (4) motherfucking (5) Friday (6) fucking (7) night. 04:32:42 PM

The Fucking Announcement

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Jesus motherfucking Christ, this goddamn Saturday morning announcement is going to motherfucking kill me. COFFEE. 09:21:33 AM

It was the morning of Emanuel’s official announcement that he’d be running for mayor of Chicago. He held it at the John C. Coonley School in the city’s North Center neighborhood.

The only thing that’s going to get me through this is knowing that when I shake your hand, mine is covered in cock sweat. 09:44:32 AM

This is almost a word-for-word match to a Tweet back when @MayorEmanuel was leaving Washington, DC. I’d remembered that line and wanted to use something similar because, at that point, the @MayorEmanuel was being followed by probably ten times more people than the first time around. That said, I never realized just how close a match it was until now.

We were supposed to do this at 10, but it’s going to take a motherfucking hour to navigate through all these fucking baby strollers. Go home. 09:58:51 AM

Thank fucking god: Axelrod slipped me a couple fucking shots just now. Here goes motherfucking nothing. 11:06:02 AM

Speech preview: I’ve spent these last weeks listening to your problems. And gone home every fucking night and poured bleach in my ears. 11:12:03 AM

Speech preview: Despite all of you, I still want to be the motherfucking mayor. 11:23:57 AM

Christ-sucking cock-holes, that was 45 minutes I will never, fucking ever, get back. 11:46:12 AM

And now I have to stand around kissing all of your fucking asses while the weather turns from shitty to motherfucking miserable. Fuck this. 11:47:35 AM

Axelrod and I are heading over for a celebratory meal at Superdawg. I am going to eat the living shit out of a motherfucking Whoopskidawg. 06:58:58 PM

The Superdawg drive-in, located on the northwest side of the city, features statues of two giant anthropomorphized hot dogs on its roof. Their names—because of course they’re named—are Maurie and Flaurie, after the original owner and his wife.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sleeping motherfucking in today. No more listening tour for you assholes means more sleep for me. Fuck yes. 10:49:50 AM

While Emanuel’s official announcement as a mayoral candidate meant that he was no longer officially on a listening tour, it didn’t stop him from continuing to visit L stops, bars, and eateries every day of the campaign.

Filing Day at the Grease Monkey

Monday, November 15, 2010

Picked up a Fuckyoupon for Meeks this weekend: 50% off nobody gives a fuck. 08:30:34 AM

Axelrod’s Civic broke an axle on the way to file our petitions today, so Carl the Intern had to steal a cart from Jewel and walk ’em in. 08:38:56 AM

November 15 was the first day to file petitions to get on the ballot with the Chicago Board of Election Commissioners. Order on the ballot is set on a first-come, first-served basis, so the strategy is to get in line early. One caveat is that all candidates in the lineup by the time the office opens get dibs on the top spot, which is then decided by a lottery.

Meanwhile, we’re over at the Grease Monkey trying not to get completely fucked on the axle replacement. 08:40:15 AM

What the fucking fuck is a “constant velocity joint” and can we get by without one? 08:52:04 AM

Before he wheeled off with our petitions, I gave Carl head-fake lessons. Chico is about to get the head-faking of a fucking lifetime. 09:03:13 AM

Axelrod’s Civic already gets by without passenger-side windows or radio. Does it really need a differential seal? 09:07:13 AM

Carl just called Axelrod’s Razr: cart tipped over on Washington; most of the petitions ended up in the street. Not my fucking day. 09:15:44 AM

Carl says he got most of the petitions and that they’re “mostly just muddy.” At least that’ll cover the coffee I spilled on them. 09:22:12 AM

Shit is so fucking motherfucking fucked that I keep fucking forgetting to fucking swear. Fuck. 09:26:32 AM

Finally getting Axelrod’s car out of the shop. Motherfuck. Carl says Moseley Braun was crowing about having the most signatures. Fuck her. 05:57:12 PM

All Moseley Braun’s signatures and two bucks will buy her is a Coke. No idea how much it’d cost her to buy a fucking clue. 05:59:07 PM

Beep Beep, Motherfucker

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Holy fucking Jesus fuck. Where the fucking fuck is the motherfucking coffee? 07:35:22 AM

When I was a dancer, I learned the phrase “mutually assured destruction.” Meeks, Davis, and Braun should fucking look it up. 10:06:21 AM

Much of the media narrative at this point was around which of the three candidates would become the “consensus candidate” for Chicago’s large African-American population. This was also an ongoing story between Chico and Del Valle and about which one would represent Chicago’s Hispanic community.

Been driving with the Teamsters all day. Pulled up to Chico’s house in a big rig and blew on the horn. Beep beep, motherfucker! 05:08:49 PM

In the real race, November 16 marked the release of a Teamsters-sponsored poll that showed Emanuel capturing 34%. The next closest candidate, Davis, was at 14%, marking a 20% gap between the two—that would be one of the closest gaps of the entire campaign.

Another thing about the Teamsters: you have not eaten a sandwich until you have eaten a motherfucking Teamster sandwich. 05:23:25 PM

Hanging with Teamsters is like hanging with high school kids, but with mustaches. You just eat, drink, and fucking drive around. 06:06:34 PM

Axelrod and this Teamster named Bruno are in the mother of all pizza-eating contests. Fucking I kid you not: we’re in hour three. 09:45:29 PM

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Axelrod’s been puking most of the night. The price of motherfucking victory. 08:15:53 AM

Hanging out with beat cops today, as my motherfucking Chicago mustache tour continues. Tomorrow: cartoon Italian plumbers. 09:07:58 AM

One of the worst stories written about the @MayorEmanuel account once my identity had been revealed misrepresented the mustache tour as “meeting with Italians and Teamsters.” Clearly, the journalist had never played Super Mario Brothers.

He keeps this residency shit up, and I’m going to cram my motherfucking mortgage documents right up Ed Burke’s pockmarked ass. 11:39:57 AM

One of the major questions at this stage in the race—one that would plague Emanuel for months—was whether or not he was actually a resident of Chicago. Because he moved to Washington, DC, to serve the president—after serving in the House of Representatives as a congressperson from Chicago’s Ravenswood neighborhood—the legal argument was that he was no longer a resident of Illinois, and thus could not run for office. Power brokers and competing candidates began to press the residency issue, mostly behind the scenes. Though no one candidate or figure ever stepped forward to orchestrate the lawsuits that would follow, the Chicago Sun-Times portrayed Ed Burke’s support for pursuing Emanuel’s residency issues as “a poorly kept secret.”

I’m not saying Daley’s a bad guy, but his new budget just fucked you in the ass without even saying please. 05:23:41 PM

Mayor Daley released his final budget, which closed a gaping deficit by raiding the $1.15 billion fund from the 75-year parking meter lease. Only three years after signing the deal, there was only $76 million remaining in the account.

Next parking meter box you see, whip your cock out and fuck the coin return. Coin-slot sex is the only thing you’ll see from the meter deal. 05:33:12 PM

I mean really, how the fuck do you fucking twat-up a seventy-five-year lease deal? Just a few coins motherfucking left over? Fuck this shit. 05:57:24 PM

So now we’re all running to be mayor of a city that’s so fucking motherfucking broke, we’ll all be selling plasma to fund the schools. Fuck. 06:05:38 PM

Movie Night (part one)

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Staffing up with a new intern, who just walked in with motherfucking tea. Hey what’s-your-fuck, you’re out. 07:36:28 AM

Axelrod’s already getting his motherfucking Hagrid costume together for the “Deathly Hallows” opening at midnight. 08:01:39 AM

I keep telling Axelrod that I’m going as Gandalf. He’s getting so fucking mad I think his mustache might fall off. 08:09:06 AM

Gandalf is, of course, a wizard from the Lord of the Rings series, not the Harry Potter series.

Strategy session, and every motherfucking suggestion from Axelrod involves a fucking Harry Potter reference. 08:24:33 AM

Fuck: “Let’s cast lumos on the budget situation.” 08:25:44 AM

In case you’ve somehow avoided Harry Potter (and good on you if you have), lumos is a spell that causes the tip of your magic wand to light up.

Motherfuck: “Let’s use stupefy on Chico.” 08:27:17 AM

And stupefy is a stunning spell, used to incapacitate enemies.

I know it’s only 8:30, but I need a motherfucking drink. 08:31:06 AM

Axelrod spent most of the 2:30 meeting “getting all of you up to speed on the Harry Potter franchise.” Can it fucking be midnight yet? 03:17:51 PM

3/4 of the way through his retelling, he started crying because Dumbledore was killed. And he hasn’t fucking stopped bawling since. 03:19:47 PM

I swear, by the end of this day, I may just stuff this motherfucking wand in my motherfucking ear hole. 03:24:45 PM

This line is fucking long and fucking cold. And this fucking wizard’s cloak is not magically fucking warm. 08:30:22 PM

Friday, November 19, 2010

Jesus motherfucking Christ, I have a hangover the size of fucking Hogwarts. 08:38:11 AM

Back to the Grind

Meeks, you keep pushing this residency bullshit and I will cram your cross so far up your ass, it’ll take three days just to fucking find it. 08:43:41 AM

I will admit that I’m a resident of Theothermotherfuckersaremother fuckingdisasters-ville. 08:53:47 AM

And I own a timeshare in the great city of Fuckyouton. 08:55:11 AM

The first fucking person to file a suit over my residency is going to find my foot taking up residency inside their sphincter. 09:00:09 AM

Fuck you all of you motherfuckers in the motherfucking asshole, it’s finally motherfucking Friday night. 04:53:17 PM

Axelrod is off at his sixth screening of “Deathly Hallows,” but Penny Pritzker’s bringing over a diamond-encrusted bucket of chicken. Fuck yes. 05:11:40 PM

Penny also brought over four cans of Four Loko and is offering me $100k for each one I drink. Easy fucking money. 05:39:46 PM

Four Loko was a briefly famous alcoholic beverage that combined malt liquor with a fruit-flavored caffeinated energy drink. The FDA issued a warning to the manufacturers of Four Loko, on November 17, that the addition of caffeine to alcoholic beverages was an “unsafe food additive,” which kicked off a ban in many states and cities.

Sho thag for logos shtit aignt sho fuctink touf. 08:17:28 PM

“So that Four Lokos shit ain’t so fucking tough.”

Im sho fuctink fukt on thiz resgidetse shid itz nod efin fungky. 08:27:30 PM

“I’m so fucking fucked on this residency shit it’s not even funny.”

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Motherfucking fucking fuck fuckers. 08:04:26 AM

The decision to only use one end zone in this fucking NU game was made by fucking cocktards. Dumbest fucking game ever. 04:45:44 PM

Northwestern (Emanuel’s alma mater) played the University of Illinois in a game held at Wrigley Field, the home of the Chicago Cubs and, for 50 years, the home of the Chicago Bears as well. Because of the configuration of the football field on the baseball diamond, and the distance to the wall from the end zone (in parts, just six inches), Big Ten officials ruled that all offensive play would go in one direction. Which, you know, is kind of weird.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Going over Thanksgiving plans with Axelrod today. He’s saying Harold’s, I’m saying Popeye’s. Fucking fuck. 08:52:36 AM

Harold’s Chicken Shack is a Chicago fried-chicken chain. It was founded in 1950 by Harold Pierce, and there are more than 62 Harold’s Chicken Shacks in existence now. Harold’s chicken shacks are numbered, but the system is slightly random (for instance, the first shack was #11). Because of the way the franchise agreements are written, there are actually wild inconsistencies between the Shacks, and connoisseurs debate which is the best. The most scientific ranking of all Harold’s Shacks, which was undertaken by journalist Mike Sula in 2006, found that Harold’s No. 55, at 100 West 87th Street, was mathematically the best Shack in the city.

Jesus motherfucking Christ, could it be any more gray and fucking miserable outside? Fuck this shit: stay in. 08:01:18 AM

Monday, November 22, 2010

Carl has hooked up the motherfucking coffee IV, so I might be able to overcome this fucking gray fucking day. 08:38:31 AM

I hope this motherfucking monsoon floods the shit out of my former house. Learn to swim, you piece of shit. 06:17:22 PM

Almost two inches of rain fell on November 22.

I pissed myself laughing at the idea of a motherfucking “Draft Burris Movement.” I may vote for that fuck, so he at least gets one. 06:20:40 PM

Roland Burris, who was selected by Rod Blagojevich to temporarily fill Barack Obama’s Senate seat—following all the controversy involved in Blago’s alleged attempts to sell the seat—had mayoral petitions filed on his behalf by a “Draft Burris Movement.” He never really got past the filing stage and eventually would quietly withdraw.

Personally, I see this as a three-way race now: Me, M. Tricia Lee, and all the other sorry fucking assholes. 06:27:31 PM

There were a number of characters who filed petitions to get on the ballot; one of the most interesting was Lee, a “fourth generation Chicagoan” who offered a unique platform that centered around building two city halls, one for the South and East Sides and one for the North and West Sides. It turns out that she actually lived in Oak Lawn but had used the address of a motel within the city limits on her candidacy papers.

I just keep looking at this motherfucking list of candidates and thinking how it all ended up fucking circus clowns. 10:53:03 PM

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Holy Jesus fuck, Carl the Intern forgot to pay the heating bill, so we’re all fucking huddled around a goddamn hot pot right now. 09:15:59 AM

Trying to squeeze out shits that look like turkey legs, to bring to Chico’s potluck. 09:58:35 AM

Hey, Chico, I would rather be endorsed by Ed Burke’s cum rag than anyone connected with the motherfucking Chicago Public Schools. 04:31:28 PM

Chico received the endorsement of ex-CPS CEO Paul Vallas, who at one time had considered running for governor of Illinois, mayor of Chicago, and even president of the Cook County Board. He was the head of the public schools from 1995 to 2001 and has been cited with improving the system that had been called the “worst in the nation” by US Secretary of Education William Bennett in 1987.

During the NOLA mayor’s race, candidates didn’t try to get Hurricane Katrina’s motherfucking endorsement. But fucking CPS is OK? 04:56:16 PM

Axelrod just walked in looking like the motherfucking Deerhunter. Looked me dead in the eye and said, “We bag a bird tomorrow.” 09:58:02 PM

Turkey Hunt

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

On the way to Wisconsin with Axelrod and Carl the Intern to kill a turkey. Carl’s crying. Fucking vegetarians. 08:11:15 AM

Jesus fucking Christ: Kenosha, Wisconsin, is a place I never need to go again in my motherfucking life. 09:12:09 AM

Kenosha, Wisconsin, is the first major town north of the Illinois border along Lake Michigan.

Axelrod’s been driving this whole time with a knife clenched between his teeth, like he’s some kind of motherfucking pirate. 09:22:22 AM

Details, details: The knife, it turns out, is the only tool Axelrod brought for the hunt. He’s chasing birds around a field, knife raised. 10:45:17 AM

Holy fuck, he got one! Now he’s standing there yelling “BATHE IN THE BLOOD OF THE BIRD!” 11:51:19 AM

There is so much more blood in a turkey than you’d think. Jesus fucking Christ. 03:06:47 PM

Axelrod, me, Carl, and the Civic are completely covered in blood. If we get pulled over, this could get motherfucking ugly. 03:25:04 PM

Plouffe just faxed over the menu for tomorrow. Turns out we picked up the wrong fucking stuffing. Motherfuck. 06:08:24 PM

There are 100,000 fucking assholes crammed into this Dominick’s. Get me my stuffing or I’ll give you something to be fucking thankful for. 06:12:40 PM

They are out of motherfucking stuffing. Fuck every single one of you fucking goddamn motherfuckers right in your fucking face. 06:35:58 PM

Fucking Ari: “Hey, you asshole, I heard you bagged a bird. I’m sending my jet your way. Turkey day in LA—Pants fucking optional.” 08:49:11 PM

Thanksgiving in LA

Thursday, November 25, 2010

“Happy fucking Thanksgiving, you motherfucking ass-hats.” That’s Ari, greeting us as the limo pulled up to his house. 08:53:17 AM

I’ve spent most of the day chasing Geffen’s dogs around the goddamn house. They keep jumping up and grabbing shit off the counters. 08:43:49 PM

For dinner tonight, we’ve got Ari, Geffen & boyfriend, me, Axelrod, Carl the Intern, Carol Burnett, Harrison fucking Ford, and Kanye West. 08:53:13 PM

Chicago hip-hop artist Kanye West became a bit character in the narrative at this point, making multiple appearances. His album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, had just been released on November 22 and was at the front of my mind.

Carol’s been drinking for like five hours now, and Harrison’s been sulking in a corner for some fucking reason. 08:55:19 PM

Dinner was supposed to start an hour ago. I swear to god, I’m going to just start gnawing off my own fucking arm. 08:56:43 PM

We’re late because Carl the Intern was playing football with Geffen’s boyfriend and knocked over the fucking turkey deep fryer. 09:01:25 PM

Carol keeps hitting on David Geffen and nobody has the heart to tell her she’d have a better shot at a bowl of cranberry sauce. 09:04:58 PM

Kanye keeps bragging that his green bean casserole will “knock you on your ass.” 09:11:35 PM

This whole fucking dinner is a goddamn waiting game on Axelrod and his motherfucking deep fried turkey. Any fucking time now. 09:15:53 PM

Fuck this. Me and Carol and Kanye are off to find a motherfucking taco truck. 09:32:36 PM

Carol Burnett’s ordering tacos for the three of us—combo of cabeza, tripa, and buche. She fucking calls it “The Hot Mess.” 10:11:20 PM

Sitting on a curb with Kanye West, Carol Burnett, a pile of tacos and a bottle of Hennessy. Happy motherfucking Thanksgiving. 10:19:02 PM

Friday, November 26, 2010

Stayed out all night with Carol and Kanye, just walking the fuck around. Now we’re hitting the stores. BLACK FUCKING FRIDAY!!! 08:29:09 AM

Holy fuck, Carol got the greatest deal on a back massager I have ever fucking seen in my life. 09:03:57 AM

And Kanye got like fucking 80% off an amazing fucking set of bathroom towels. Bed Bath & Beyond FTMFW. 09:04:37 AM

Got back to Ari’s with my rental Yaris stuffed with half-price DVDs, and Axelrod’s standing there: “Your residency is challenged.” Fuck me. 04:41:11 PM

The challenges to Emanuel’s residency began to roll in the day after Thanksgiving. By the end of it, more than 30 people had challenged his residency, based on the fact that section 3.1-10-5 of the Illinois Municipal Code states, “A person is not eligible for an elective municipal office unless that person is a qualified elector of the municipality and has resided in the municipality at least one year next preceding the election or appointment.” While that seems cut-and-dried—Emanuel did not live in Chicago the year prior to announcing his candidacy—another section of the code states, “No elector or spouse shall be deemed to have lost his or her residence in any precinct or election district in this State by reason of his or her absence on business of the United States, or of this State.” The argument made by election law attorney Burt Odelson, the most vocal of the challengers, was that the intention of that clause was and is for military service.

I’m going to watch two DVDs, eat a motherfucking In-N-Out, check out Kanye’s dolphin tank, then get on a plane and fight this shit. FUCK. 04:52:45 PM

Jesus fucking Christ, dolphins are motherfucking graceful fucking animals. 07:22:30 PM

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Strategy session: Just how fucked are the fucking fucks that are trying to fuck us? Very fucking fucked. 03:26:06 PM

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Heading down to heckle Meeks at his church. He wants to fuck with where I live, I’ll fuck him right back. 09:42:02 AM

So here’s the thing about the residency challenges: nobody ever took credit for coordinating them or otherwise orchestrating them. All accusations by @MayorEmanuel, such as this reference to Meeks, were pure fiction, best I know.

Alright, front row, asshole. Motherfucking god me, you stupid motherfucker. 10:45:07 AM

Birthday Pony

Half hour until it’s my motherfucking birthday. You fucking motherfuckers had better have gotten me something fucking nice. 11:32:44 PM

Monday, November 29, 2010

MOTHERFUCKING MIDNIGHT. IT’S MY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY MOTHERFUCKERS. 12:00:07 AM

Carl the Intern gave me the biggest cup of coffee I’ve ever seen. It’s motherfucking enormous! I’m crying like a baby here. 07:58:14 AM

Fuck yes: Axelrod brought over a stuffed bear holding a “happy birthday” balloon. I named him Peaches. 08:38:45 AM

Fax from Plouffe: “I got you just what you wanted: an election lawyer that would make Jesus piss his fucking robes.” 08:43:57 AM

Axelrod keeps telling me there’s a “secret birthday surprise” later. It’s always motherfucking Chuck E. Cheese. 09:08:05 AM

Also, Axelrod got spinner rims for his Civic and is trying to pass them off as a present for me. “But you’ll look awesome.” 09:16:50 AM

Meeks, Chico, and Burris have each sent fake residency papers with the note, “I got you what you really wanted.” Real fucking funny. 12:48:41 PM

Braun just sent flowers though, because she’s motherfucking classy. 12:49:31 PM

I’d expect that Davis will get the memo that it’s my birthday in about six weeks, and issue a statement in three more. Slow motherfucker. 12:52:36 PM

Holy fuck: Axelrod’s surprise gift is a bar of Ex-Lax and the key to the motherfucking city council chamber. 05:10:09 PM

Between the Ex-Lax and these two boxes of Fiber One, I’m going to be able to craft the fucking Burnham Plan of shit. 05:18:36 PM

The Burnham Plan is a city planning document crafted by legendary urban planner and architect Daniel Burnham. Crafted over 100 years ago, it is still spoken of in hushed tones.

Birthday: (1) take a shit in the council chambers; (2) pick up Penny Pritzker and Samurai Mike Singletary; (3) taco pizza at Chuck E. Cheese. 05:39:17 PM

“Samurai” Mike Singletary was one of the leading defensive linemen in the 1985 Super Bowl Champion Chicago Bears.

Heading over to the city council chambers now. I’ve got to admit: Axelrod’s rims do look motherfucking sweet. 05:54:45 PM

My ass is a brown fountain of motherfucking justice! Best birthday ever!! 06:10:17 PM

Took a while longer to finish up in the city council than I thought. But I’ll tell you this: that shit was a motherfucking masterpiece. 08:05:18 PM

As a result, we were late picking up Penny and Samurai Mike. They’d been drinking the whole time they were waiting. Fucking amazing. 08:06:04 PM

You haven’t fucking lived until you’ve heard Penny Pritzker do her rendition of the “Samurai Mike” rap from the Super Bowl Shuffle. 08:14:40 PM

Mike Singletary is up on stage with that motherfucking Chuck E. Cheese robot mouse. I think Axelrod may choke, he’s laughing so hard. 08:29:32 PM

This trip to Chuck E. Cheese just confirms it: I am the motherfucking king of whack-a-mole! 09:27:55 PM

Driving Lake Shore Drive in Axelrod’s Civic, rain coming in the missing window. Penny, Samurai Mike, and I just fucking freestyling. YES. 10:49:02 PM

“The clock’s tickin’, I just count the hours / Stop trippin’, I’m trippin’ off the power / Till then, fuck that—the world’s OURS.” 10:56:55 PM

Stumbling into bed. Wet, hoarse, happy. Fifty-one is going to be all fucking right. 11:36:26 PM

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Post-birthday hangover means that I’m going to make Meeks see motherfucking god for this shit he’s pulling with my tenant. 08:19:01 AM

One sideshow of the campaign that didn’t appear in many of the @MayorEmanuel storylines (because, honestly, it disgusted me personally) was that Rob Halpin, the tenant living in Rahm Emanuel’s house, was actually himself briefly a candidate for mayor. In a city that’s well known for political dirty tricks, this felt like an especially dirty one. There is, however, no known connection between Meeks and Halpin.

If you are running for mayor of Chicago, do not fuck with me today. I will take this ice pack off my head and chop your fucking dick off. 08:26:10 AM

Strategy session: we’re going to contest everything up to and including the existence of the motherfucking City of Chicago. 10:25:43 AM

So 21 Chicagoans have filed objections to my candidacy. The other 2,853,093 think I’m fucking amazing. I can live with that. 04:25:10 PM

Hanukkah

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Fuck this motherfucking snow right in its motherfucking nimbostratus cloud formation. 08:41:25 AM

Axelrod’s been standing outside, shovel in hand, for three hours now, like he’s Nanook of the fucking North. 08:52:23 AM

There was not actually much snow that day.

I have so much fucking Hanukkah shopping to finish. Fuck this motherfucking lunar calendar bullshit. 09:29:43 AM

All this “starting at sundown” shit would be a lot fucking easier if sundown wasn’t in the middle of the goddamn afternoon. 04:14:28 PM

Jesus fucking Christ, it turns out that Carl the Intern used to hustle kids on the dreidel back in Hebrew school. 06:47:44 PM

Thanks to him, we’re up to our ears in fucking Hanukkah gelt. 06:53:26 PM

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Holy fucking motherfucking fuck, where the fucking fuck is the motherfucking coffee. 07:48:31 AM

Danny Davis would be a worthy motherfucking opponent if it was 1982. 07:58:32 AM

And Gery Chico would be a threat if we were running for president of the fucking PTA. 07:59:55 AM

And Braun would have a lock if we were competing for placement on a motherfucking Trivial Pursuit card. 08:01:51 AM

New slogan: “It’s 2010, this is for mayor, and Trivial Pursuit is for fucking pussies. Vote Emanuel.” 08:09:49 AM

Keep me locked in this room with David Hoffman much longer and I’m going to turn into a fucking arsenic-eating life-form too. 01:41:43 PM

Twofer alert—NASA announced the discovery of an arsenic-eating bacteria in a salt lake in California at the same time that Emanuel held a press conference with David Hoffman to unveil his ethics plan. Hoffman lost the Democratic Senate primary against Alexi Giannoulias. Prior to that losing bid, Hoffman had been a federal prosecutor and, later, inspector general for the City of Chicago—where he investigated hiring practices within city hall. He is, if truth be told, exactly the guy you’d want to help you write an ethics plan.

Seriously, there is a reason this guy lost to dumb-fucking Alexi. And that reason is he is a motherfucking painfully boring motherfucker. 01:58:35 PM

Seriously, I just look at that motherfucker and I get sleepy. They should stand him outside mattress stores. Make a fucking fortune. 02:03:29 PM

Sure, he’s a fucking stand-up guy, and I’m fucking glad he’s on ou … zzzzzzzzzzzzz. 02:12:50 PM

Jesus fucking Christ, I almost burnt the motherfucking house down lighting that second candle. 06:35:49 PM

Friday, December 3, 2010

Motherfuck! The! Sleep! Of! Hoffman! Is! The! Greatest! Sleep! Of! All! Motherfucking! Time! Hoff! Me! Again! Motherfucker! 07:59:32 AM

You know what’s just fucking adorable? That Ed Burke still thinks he fucking matters. 09:38:02 AM

Axelrod just ripped the bumper off his Civic trying to attach a fucking plow to it. “Just trying to be prepared.” 10:31:30 AM

Weather reports were promising four to eight inches of snow in the Chicago area, the first big snow of the year.

What are you waiting for? Motherfuck every fucking thing, it’s Friday fucking night! No snow yet, you assholes; get out there! 05:11:43 PM

RIMFP

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Fuck this snow. Fuck this snow. Fuck this motherfucking snow. 08:04:30 AM

I was actually in Phoenix, Arizona, this weekend, and had to rely on a weather app on my phone and news from my wife to know what the snow situation was.

I’m out here fucking shoveling this shit myself because Axelrod has been fucking catatonic since he heard motherfucking Ron Santo died. 08:09:35 AM

Ron Santo played third base for the Chicago Cubs from 1960 to 1974, and later was the radio announcer for the team, where he billed himself as “the single Biggest Cubs fan of all time.” He died December 3 of complications from bladder cancer and diabetes.

Worst fucking part is that I’m out here in fucking wingtips because my motherfucking boots are in the attic of my fucking rented house. 08:25:00 AM

My feet are so fucking numb that I’m considering setting them on fucking fire. 10:02:40 AM

Also, Carl the Intern won’t make me a hot cocoa because he’s sitting shivah with Axelrod over Santo. Fuck me. 10:03:46 AM

Axelrod’s outside now with a chainsaw carving a motherfucking Ron Santo ice sculpture right now. 02:54:35 PM

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Dug out Axelrod’s Civic to go buy some boots. Put fucking five lawn chairs and an old ironing board in the spot. 10:50:38 AM

In Chicago, if you shovel the snow out of your parking space, you fill it with some crap from your basement (typically lawn chairs), which marks it as yours. It’s informally called the “dibs” system, and every year there are news reports of stabbings and deaths over moving someone’s dibs pile and parking in their space. If you’re not from Chicago, that was probably the craziest sentence you’ve ever read. If you’re from here, you’re just nodding and saying, “I’d do it too.”

We drove by Chico’s house and I pissed “Fuck you you fucking motherfucker” in the snow. 01:24:22 PM

Monday, December 6, 2010

Motherfucking coffee fucking commence! 07:52:42 AM

Standing in front of City Hall, giving the fucking double birds to all these dumb fucks walking into the Board of Election office. 10:11:32 AM

The Chicago Board of Election began to sort through the ballot challenges, though Emanuel’s first hearing wouldn’t be for another week.

Elizabeth Edwards was fucking classy—too bad her husband was such a fucking douche-cock. And also about the cancer. 05:15:28 PM

News had just broken that Elizabeth Edwards, ex-wife of former presidential candidate John Edwards, was no longer treating her cancer.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Holy fuck, it’s motherfucking cold as motherfucking shit outside. 08:04:05 AM

So my tenant isn’t running for mayor after all. What a fucking motherfucking shock. 10:24:36 AM

Just hours before the Chicago Board of Elections reviewed his petition, Rob Halpin withdrew his name.

It warms my asshole to see dumb motherfuckers get kicked off the ballot. 10:40:08 AM

I would rather hang out with Elizabeth Edwards’ corpse than have to go to one of these motherfucking “mayoral forums.” 06:10:00 PM

It was announced that Elizabeth Edwards had died.

Too motherfucking soon? 06:15:28 PM

But really, these fucking candidate forums look absolutely motherfucking awful. 06:20:12 PM

There were dozens of mayoral forums—less formal than debates, usually focused around a single topic, and organized by a group interested in that topic. Especially in this early stage of the campaign, they attracted many of the down-ballot candidates. Emanuel did not attend a single one.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I would rather stick my dick to a frozen fucking flagpole than answer another motherfucking residency question. 09:07:34 AM

Axelrod has replaced all his Santo candles with Elizabeth candles. Rough fucking week for that guy. 09:18:48 AM

Axelrod’s taking his heartbreak out in ice sculpture: joining Santo is Elizabeth Edwards, a unicorn, and a fucking sweet T-Rex. 02:50:19 PM

Also, he’s got a fucking knitted mustache pouch to keep his ’stache warm. 02:51:56 PM

Spending the last night of Hanukkah with David Hoffman. It might be Yom fucking Kippur by the time he gets all eight candles lit. 05:24:14 PM

Jesus fucking Christ, I’m really hoping this liquor I’ve got can last for eight fucking days, because I may be trapped here that long. 05:49:29 PM

At this point, I’m holding my hand above the menorah, just to feel something. 06:22:37 PM

Hoffman finally got the final candle lit. That guy sure does know a lot about the motherfucking Maccabees. Fuck me. 08:18:53 PM

The Residency Hearings

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Strategy session for residency hearing: Axelrod says no to pulling my cock out and asking, “You want this shit Chicago style?” 07:49:48 AM

He also says no to pulling down my pants, spreading my cheeks and saying “Eat my motherfucking deep dish.” 07:56:30 AM

Getting ready for the residency hearing tomorrow by drinking every motherfucking thing in the kitchen. Up next: Baileys and dish soap. 06:45:14 PM

Motherfucking pro tip: soy sauce and fucking cognac. Motherfucking amazing. 07:53:16 PM

Axelrod is doing yogurt and beer shooters. 08:09:25 PM

Friday, December 10, 2010

Holy fucking fuck, I need some motherfucking coffee poured directly into my fucking mouth right this motherfucking second. 08:05:44 AM

Fucking annoying hearing today that leads to even more motherfucking annoying hearings next week. Democracy is a bitch. 04:21:44 PM

Fax from Plouffe: “We need to work on your likeability before your testimony.” Faxed him back a picture of my asshole. 04:39:48 PM

I don’t give a thousand fucking fucks; it is motherfucking finally Friday night. 05:15:14 PM

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Axelrod and I are filling the house with donuts and seeing if we can eat our motherfucking way out. 09:56:02 AM

Motherfuck this motherfucking rain. 02:22:03 PM

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Axelrod was waking us up every hour last night as part of his “readiness patrol” and not a single fucking flake hit the goddamn ground. 08:22:25 AM

I’m so tired I think I’m going to vomit, and now it’s motherfucking snowing like a motherfuck. 08:46:51 AM

Carl the Intern scheduled a fucking presser about education in the middle of a goddamn snowstorm and the motherfucking Bears game. 11:48:41 AM

Pretty sure it’s payback for making Carl follow Chico around this week pretending to record him, just to fucking fuck with Chico’s head. 11:50:49 AM

Gery Chico had released a video earlier in the week that showed campaign workers for Emanuel surreptitiously videotaping Chico campaign appearances. He titled the video “Transparency: Rahm Style.”

Fuck this motherfucking football game. Fuck it right in its snowy motherfucking ass. 04:03:33 PM

This was the first live-tweeted game I did. Earlier in the week, Bears safety Danieal Manning visited my son’s grade school, and he came home and announced that he was now a football fan. He hung the free poster they gave him up on his wall and memorized the game dates. He begged to watch the game, so we did.

Motherfucking fucking fuck fuckers. What the fucking fuck game is fucking Cutler fucking playing? 04:24:08 PM

I’m going to go outside and have Axelrod whip iceballs at my cock. Has to be more fun than this motherfucking football game. 04:38:51 PM

Motherfucking Cutler is a motherfucking cocktard. 05:55:35 PM

The Bears were blown out by the New England Patriots, 36–7.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Who the fuck replaced Chicago with the motherfucking ice planet Hoth? 07:58:45 AM

Single-digit temperatures ruled the day. It was cold enough to want to crawl inside a Tauntaun to keep warm.

I know it might not send the right message, but we’re taking the Imperial Walker to get to the residency hearing. Fuck the Tauntauns. 08:29:48 AM

Axelrod just got in from gassing up the Walker and his mustache looks like it was part of the Shackleton expedition. Icicles. 08:54:02 AM

Ernest Shackleton was one of the great Antarctic explorers of the early 20th century.

Carl the Intern is cramming for tomorrow’s testimony with me while Axelrod is out on a pizza run. Going to be a late motherfucking night. 06:05:10 PM

Emanuel was giving his testimony in the residency hearings the next day. And @MayorEmanuel was spending the night boning up on Chicago facts, as if he were taking a US citizenship exam.

Did you know there are 77 communities in Chicago? Motherfucking take THAT, Board of Election Commissioners! 06:13:04 PM

Chicago derives its name from the motherfucking Miami-Illinois tribal word for “wild onion.” Fuck yes: shikaakwa. 06:18:15 PM

Motherfucking flag’s four stars: Fort Dearborn, the Great Fire, the World’s Columbian Exposition, and the Century of fucking Progress. 06:26:38 PM

Fuck studying for this motherfucking testimony. Axelrod’s back with pizza and beer. Your Honor, it’s time to fucking drink. 06:32:23 PM

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Motherfucking six fucking degrees? Fuck this motherfucking bullshit. 07:32:44 AM

I went out to grab the paper and now my motherfucking balls are frozen to my motherfucking leg. 07:52:30 AM

Axelrod’s outside with a hair dryer trying to unfreeze the fucking fuel line on his Civic. He promises we’ll be at City Hall by nine. 08:19:16 AM

And the Civic won’t fucking start. Axelrod, Carl, and I are riding the motherfucking bus. Fucking perfect. 08:41:41 AM

Frozen balls, riding the bus, and giving fucking testimony to 25 motherfucking assholes. A+ motherfucking day. 08:45:46 AM

This residency hearing was a rather unique setup: Any petitioner was allowed to question Emanuel. About anything. As a result, Emanuel didn’t just answer questions about his residency but about the 1993 shootout in Waco, Texas; whether his job as chief of staff was “a 9 to 5”; whether he was financing his campaign; and whether he was a member of the Communist Party. The media reports, which used the word “circus” more than you’d think, included lines like this, from the Chicago Tribune’s live blog: “An activist known as Queen Sister Georzetta Deloney, who wore a golden headpiece, offered more statements than questions.” (Deloney at one point referred to a coat in Emanuel’s storage space as a “technicolor dreamcoat.” Emanuel replied: “I’d like the record to show it’s not a technicolor dreamcoat. It’s an imitation leather jacket my grandfather gave my father.”) In all, the petitioners, which included election lawyers and regular citizens, kept Emanuel on the stand for eleven hours.

Someone keep count on how many times I “itch” my eye with my middle finger during testimony today. I bet 352 fucking times. 08:57:43 AM

In the bathroom at City Hall, trying to dethaw my ballsack at the hand dryer and Dock fucking Walls walks in. Fuck this day. 09:12:35 AM

A former aide to Harold Washington, William “Dock” Walls had run for mayor of Chicago repeatedly and was the only candidate to openly challenge Emanuel’s residency. His lawyer, Andrew Finko, was one of the questioners at the hearing.

Well here goes motherfucking nothing. 10:00:13 AM

I swear to god, if Axelrod shows up at lunch break with fucking Subway, I’m going to completely lose my motherfucking shit. 10:27:02 AM

These questions are awesome. I’ll take “Fuck You in the Motherfucking Armpit” for $500, please. 11:59:06 AM

I am going to drink more alcohol than you can ever possibly imagine when this motherfucking godforsaken shitstorm of a day is over. 02:12:10 PM

Five hours of this testimony and I’ve come to one conclusion: people are motherfucking assholes. 02:57:38 PM

To each one of you motherfuckers asking me questions: in three months I’ll be mayor and you’ll still just be some dumb motherfucker. 03:19:23 PM

Some dumb motherfucker … that I hate. Hope you enjoy today. 03:20:21 PM

Well, that’s over. Motherfucking fucking motherfuck. 05:08:06 PM

It actually wasn’t over. The hearing wrapped up at almost 9 pm.

Off to eat a steak the size of my head, then go home and punch a fucking mirror until my knuckles are motherfucking pulp. 05:32:14 PM

Operation Clog Every Toilet

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Holy motherfucking mother of god, I need to swim in a goddamn fucking ocean of motherfucking coffee right fucking now. 07:24:45 AM

Carl the Intern makes this breakfast that’s a pancake wrapped around a hard-boiled egg with a sausage stuck through it. Fucking incredible. 08:22:39 AM

Sent Carl the Intern over to City Hall. Operation “Clog Every Motherfucking Toilet in the Fucking Place” is under way. 09:47:31 AM

All water flows downhill. Those motherfuckers in the basement hearing room will be swimming in shit by 1 pm. Motherfucking payback. 10:13:43 AM

Axelrod’s watching video of my hearing and listening to the “Tron” soundtrack. Looked at me in tears: “Life’s easier in the Grid.” 10:43:04 AM

I don’t even know how this is fucking possible, but somehow Carl the Intern is stuck in the sewer pipes below City Hall. Fuck. 02:46:44 PM

Fuck, now Axelrod is fucking stuck under City Hall too. 03:49:20 PM

Fucking goddamn motherfuck. I’m fucking stuck down here too. All three of us, in the fucking sewers below City Hall. 04:53:21 PM

Someone make a note to remind me that when I’m mayor, the first order of business is to fix the fucking City Hall sewer access door latch. 05:06:53 PM

Downside: looks like we’ll be down here for a while. Upside: Axelrod’s got like 30 fucking Slim Jims in his fanny pack. 05:20:44 PM

Emptied our pockets: 25 Slim Jims, four packs of NutraSweet, three pens, and a fucking pocket guide to Midwestern water fowl. So we’re good. 05:38:01 PM

It’s actually kind of beautiful down here. Quiet, except for the sound of water flowing. You forget where you are—until someone flushes. 05:44:32 PM

Forced open a door and discovered Jane Byrne’s secret fucking office. A desk, a wet box of smokes, and a stack of Playgirls from 1981. 06:57:20 PM

Jane Byrne was mayor of Chicago from 1979 to 1983.

Ate the last Slim Jim. Fucking fuck motherfuck. 07:31:42 PM

It takes them less than two hours to eat 25 Slim Jims.

The plan: we’re going to ride Jane Byrne’s sex dungeon door down this river of shit and on to motherfucking freedom. 07:42:47 PM

Freedom! We’re floating down the middle of Lake Calumet. There’s snow in the air and the stench of shit on our clothes. Magical. 09:19:21 PM

Lake Calumet, located on the city’s far South Side, is a heavily industrialized lake. Due to the pollution from decades of industry, significant parts of the Lake Calumet area were declared a Superfund cleanup site in 2010.

Movie Night (part two)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Holy fuck: I’ve just woken up with a motherfucking raging case of pinkeye. I want to claw my eyeballs out of my fucking head. 07:36:14 AM

Axelrod too: he’s sitting in the kitchen with a bag of frozen peas on his motherfucking eyes, moaning. 07:41:49 AM

Turns out Axelrod’s mostly moaning about having to wait 16 hours until the midnight opening of motherfucking “Tron.” 07:53:30 AM

Tron: Legacy, which came out that day, is the sequel to the 1982 movie about a man who gets digitized into a mainframe computer. As a nerdy eight-year-old I found it, seriously, the greatest movie I’d ever seen.

That also explains why he’s wearing a light-up suit. 07:54:24 AM

Jesus fucking Christ, Carl the Intern just walked in. His eyes look like they’re having their fucking period. 08:00:19 AM

Axelrod just showed me the “Tron” trailer. Holy fucking fuck, grown fucking adults watch that bullshit? 08:19:09 AM

If Axelrod doesn’t stop talking about “Tron” soon, I’m going to download his fucking ass into a computer for the next 25 years. 11:39:57 AM

Carl brought Peppermint Mochas and Axelrod drank his, but he’s lactose intolerant. Now there’s puke down the front of his blinky “Tron” suit. 03:20:17 PM

Axelrod just threw his light-up “Tron” frisbee through the front window. Fuck. 05:36:07 PM

Standing in this line for “Tron” with Axelrod and Carl the Intern. These fucking light-up body suits are both demeaning and fucking cold. 08:26:07 PM

Meeks just rolled up to the theater in like a fucking for-real lightcycle. His red suit looks amazing too. Fucking motherfuck. 08:51:48 PM

Carol Moseley Braun just pulled up with full-sized Master Control head fucking glowing on the back of a pickup. We look like fucking chumps. 09:47:22 PM

Gery Chico’s just dressed like Gery Chico, but that’s because he’s seeing “Love and Other Drugs.” Again. 10:01:19 PM

Sunshine Fucking Baseball

Friday, December 17, 2010

Motherfucking coffee. Sweet motherfucking relief. 08:15:23 AM

New slogan: “Don’t fuck with a guy with a huge fucking crawlspace. Emanuel ’11.” 08:37:10 AM

One of the points brought up at the residency hearing was that Emanuel claimed to be storing a lot of personal items—including his wife’s wedding dress and a jacket his grandfather gave him—in the basement of his house. However, the tenants testified that they saw no boxes in the basement. Emanuel said that this was because the boxes were in a crawlspace and, eventually, his lawyers produced photographic evidence of an enormous crawlspace under an extension Emanuel had put on the house. Calling it a “crawlspace” doesn’t really do it justice. It is large enough to store dozens of boxes. The photographs of the crawlspace showed that it included a full-sized New York Times newspaper box—which, when you think of it, is both bad-ass and really weird.

Riding in the Civic to hook back up with Ernie Banks. Tonight we’re going to fuck this town until it can’t walk straight. 04:30:40 PM

Earlier in the day Rahm Emanuel had had breakfast with “Mr. Cub” Ernie Banks. Banks is a Chicago legend, having played every one of his 13 years as a professional baseball player for the Cubs, retiring in 1971. He is, by most accounts, incredibly nice.

Fuck this motherfucking week, it’s motherfucking over. Friday night, bitches. 04:46:05 PM

Ernie Banks’ plan: grab his bat, pick up a case of Old Style, and hit the empties through Halpin’s front window. Mr. Motherfucking Cub. 05:06:41 PM

You haven’t lived until you’ve driven around with Ernie Banks hanging out your window yelling, “You just got fucked by Mr. Cub!” 06:11:59 PM

Ernie Banks is standing in the middle of Ashland, taking swings at cars as they drive by. Seriously considering fucking leaving him here. 08:16:04 PM

OK, he’s standing on the roof of a cop car, trying to knock the lights off it, yelling, “Sunshine fucking baseball!” We’re out. 08:29:30 PM

Paperwork

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Motherfucking fuck this Saturday morning meeting in its motherfucking nostril. 08:57:18 AM

Plouffe faxed in a suggestion that we “extend an olive branch” to the other candidates. The only thing I’ll extend is my motherfucking cock. 09:32:35 AM

I’m still stunned about the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell repeal. Figured the Senate was going to stuff it up its ass like they do everything else. 08:41:44 PM

The US Senate had just voted to repeal the Clinton-era “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy that regulated the service of gays and lesbians in the military.

That said, Carl the Intern is fucking thrilled. But he still has to wait two more years before he can enlist. 08:52:02 PM

It took two months, but Carl the Intern finally had a coherent age: he’s 16. And gay.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Christmas next weekend means fucking meetings all motherfucking day today. Fuck you, Jesus. 11:13:00 AM

I would rather be nailed to a motherfucking cross than sit through another five minutes of this fucking marketing presentation. 11:18:22 AM

Working on writing my last residency briefs for tomorrow. End with just “Fuck You,” or “Fuck you, you fucking fucks”? 09:15:03 PM

Fuck this—going to bed. Just signed the papers: “Suck it out of my asshole. Yours, Rahm.” 09:48:35 PM

Monday, December 20, 2010

The stereo in Axelrod’s Civic broke over the summer. Now the radio he lugs around is stuck on the fucking Christmas songs station. Fuck. 09:41:19 AM

Turned in the last paperwork: Seventeen Xeroxes of my cock and three of my asshole. Plus my signature. Done. With. This. Shit. 10:00:23 AM

New Office

New office. Carl wired the fucking phones wrong, so the calls are for the curry place down the block. Axelrod’s tandoori is amazing. Phew. 11:50:08 AM

Axelrod’s been driving around delivering curry all day, so Carl and I have spent the day playing a fucking wicked game of foosball. 05:01:22 PM

Axelrod just called from “the weathercenter” (what the fucking fuck) to tell us that it’s snowing. He pulled over to put snow tires on. 05:57:44 PM

I’m all for motherfucking winter safety, but Axelrod had better get here with the chicken tikka we ordered before kickoff. 06:37:45 PM

Motherfucking Chicago fucking Bears fucking football. Fuck yes. 08:17:45 PM

The Bears played the Minnesota Vikings.

Hey, Favre, welcome to motherfucking Chicago. 08:41:12 PM

Halftime and Axelrod’s not back with our Chicken Tikka. Still has 15 deliveries to go. All Carl knows how to make are Hot Pockets. Fuck. 09:14:26 PM

Axelrod just called. The Civic spun out on Elston. With our fucking chicken. Fucking motherfuck these fucking football snacks. 09:59:07 PM

Axelrod got the Civic unstuck. Bring that motherfucking chicken home. 10:27:34 PM

Post-season, you glorious motherfucking motherfuckers. 10:40:24 PM

Axelrod just showed up. 39 seconds to enjoy this fucking chicken. 10:43:42 PM

Going to pound a beer and text Favre a picture of my dick. Bears fuck yes. 10:46:27 PM

The Bears won decisively, 40–14, clinching the NFC North division title.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Holy Jesus fucking Christ, I just threw my back out shoveling that 800-pound snow. Fuck fucking motherfuckers. 08:02:56 AM

Holy fucking fuck, I took way too many muscle relaxers for my back. I feel like Gumby. 12:07:42 PM

Spent the entire day flat on my back tripping on muscle relaxers and not giving a fuck about any fucking thing. It’s been fucking glorious. 08:05:42 PM

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Hey, Chico—bend the fuck over, you fucking shitbag. Welcome to the campaign. 08:44:48 AM

The Chicago Tribune’s lead story that day was “Gery Chico made millions from law firm that lobbies City Hall.” The story explained that Chico’s law firm, Chico & Nunes, “is a registered City Hall lobbyist for more than 40 companies.”

Seriously, who the fuck releases their tax returns when they know they’re filled with lobbying cash? You dumb fucking fuck. 08:50:54 AM

Nutcracking

Carl’s stepmom just gave all of us tickets to the “Nutcracker Ballet” tonight. First off: what the fuck. Second off: should be me onstage. 03:14:49 PM

Fun fact about Rahm Emanuel: He used to be a dancer. A good one, by all accounts. Out of high school he was offered a scholarship to the Joffrey Ballet School, Chicago’s renowned dance company. He turned it down to attend Sarah Lawrence, where he continued to dance.

Busy day driving Axelrod’s Civic by other candidates’ offices, pelting them with snowballs and yelling “43 points, bitches!” 03:22:02 PM

The Chicago Retail Merchants Association had just released a poll that had Emanuel at 43%. His next closest competitor was Gery Chico at 11%, a 32% gap.

I’m going to be spending the next two hours figuring out what to wear to the ballet. Nothing is goddamn good enough for those people. 04:41:23 PM

Seriously, you try and try and try, and the Joffrey motherfucking Ballet just fucking judges you anyway. 05:02:20 PM

Axelrod just showed up dressed in a fucking tuxedo T-shirt. “Let’s get this fun over with.” 05:34:13 PM

I went with the straight black tux, tie, and shirt. Black Swan, motherfuckers. Let’s do this fucking ballet. 06:34:08 PM

I’d never actually seen the film Black Swan, but it had been released earlier in December and was still garnering quite a bit of press.

Five minutes in, Axelrod’s already fucking snoring. 07:05:35 PM

Who the fuck is playing Drosselmeyer? He needs to hang up the motherfucking tights. Amateur fucking hour. 07:17:07 PM

Seriously, Clara may as well just pull down her tutu and take a shit on the stage. Would be more elegant than her dancing. 07:29:59 PM

It’s pliÉ, dÉgagÉ, motherfucking balancÉ, you fucking cows. 07:39:51 PM

I would rather rim James Meeks’ asshole than have to endure another minute watching the Mouse King waddle around. 07:52:29 PM

You call that a motherfucking sugar plum fairy? 08:09:28 PM

Back when I danced, the Joffrey Ballet meant something. Now it apparently means fat fucking fucks floundering around a stage. 09:52:48 PM

Now I know why they call it the “Nutcracker”—I feel like my nuts have been fucking cracked in goddamn half. Wake up, Axelrod, this shit is over. 09:54:55 PM

Eligible, Bitches

Thursday, December 23, 2010

ELIGIBLE. Choke on that, you motherfucking bitches. 06:31:58 AM

The way ballot challenges work in Chicago is that the Chicago Board of Election Commissioners gets a recommendation from the hearing officer. The Board itself makes a final ruling that can then be appealed to the Circuit Court. The hearing officer for Emanuel’s case, Joseph Morris, issued his ruling early in the morning—the original expectation had been that it would be released the day before.

Been drinking Irish coffees since two in the morning, celebrating this residency shit. Fuck all the motherfucking haters. 07:52:04 AM

All you motherfuckers can stick your motherfucking objections up your ass. RESIDENT, bitch. 08:36:06 AM

Those stupid fucking objectors had to submit their home addresses. Think they’ll be getting a visit from the ghost of Christmas yet to come. 08:45:12 AM

Fuck yes two times, bitches. 11:56:36 AM

The Board of Election reaffirmed the recommendation by Morris.

It’s no Christmas fucking miracle, it’s a Christmas fucking fact. As real as the motherfucking virgin birth. Believe! 12:20:34 PM

I feel like a new man. Sent a street boy to fetch the prize turkey. “What, the one as big as me?” No, dumbfuck, the tiny one. 12:54:58 PM

Major upside of this residency bullshit being over: I can stop being folksy at your motherfucking L stops. 03:43:16 PM

Hey Meeks, too bad your ass got sacked. 04:43:27 PM

On the same day that Emanuel’s residency was confirmed by the Chicago Board of Election, James Meeks announced that he was withdrawing from the mayoral race. Technically, it was the last day to withdraw.

Axelrod and I had a great James Meeks drinking game. Take a shot when he said stupid shit. Could fuck you up in seconds. 05:09:17 PM

Without Meeks, this race got even fucking boringer. I’m going to be fucking catatonic by motherfucking February. 05:18:20 PM

Last few hours to be like Meeks and get the fuck out of this race. Stay in and I will make the next two months of your life a living hell. 08:33:43 PM

What a Fucking Blockhead

Friday, December 24, 2010

Plouffe has us out here freezing our fucking asses off bell ringing on State Street. We have a bet going to see who raises the most. 10:07:07 AM

Right now, Axelrod, Carl the Intern, and I are getting fucking creamed by the motherfucking bucket drummer kids. Fuck this shit. 10:30:26 AM

Axelrod ducked into the bathroom and came out dressed as one of those silver robot guys. He’s going to raise a fucking fortune. 11:56:53 AM

Axelrod must have 100 fucking people crowded around him. I need to step it up here. Sending Carl the Intern to the Christmas tree lot. 12:15:06 PM

Carl’s back from the tree lot. He bought the shittiest tree ever. Hung one ornament and it bent. What a fucking blockhead. 12:40:55 PM

The original plan was to do a whole Charlie Brown Christmas thing, with Axelrod giving the famous Linus speech. But this single Tweet felt a lot better. Summed up the whole show in 140 characters.

Goddamn it, that’s it: I’m paying the fucking bucket-drummer kids $500 an hour to drum for me. Fuck you, Robot Axelrod. 01:14:24 PM

Final haul from bell ringing: Carl brought in $22.73; Robot Axelrod, $271.58; my drummer boys, $321.93. They cost $2k. Fucking Christmas. 05:16:16 PM

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry motherfucking Christmas, you stupid fucking fucks. 08:14:22 AM

The only thing open in this fucking city is a motherfucking CVS. Axelrod, Carl the Intern and I have been wandering the aisles for hours. 09:20:23 PM

I’m trying to convince Axelrod that we should buy a bottle of Nair and just fucking obliterate his mustache. 09:41:30 PM

We’ve loaded up our cart with every fucking “As Seen on TV” piece of shit they have here. Snuggies for motherfucking everyone. 09:45:10 PM

Bought every bottle of lube in the store and are going to coat Davis’s office sidewalk with them. Slip and slide, motherfucker. 10:04:12 PM

After that, we’re going to head home, do Benadryl shots, and play motherfucking Uno. Christmas fucking sucks. 10:09:23 PM

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Motherfucking Benadryl hangover. Fuck. 08:50:25 AM

Motherfuck this snow right in its motherfucking lake-effect ass. 09:05:04 AM

Ten inches of lake-effect snow fell the day after Christmas. Lake-effect snow happens when cold winter air moves over warmer lake water. Typically, Northwest Indiana and Michigan get hammered by lake-effect snow, because the prevailing winds move west to east. But occasionally, near the shore, Chicago gets pummeled too.

Axelrod is a motherfucking parking-space shoveling artist. They should hang his fucking shovel in the Art Institute. 11:07:03 AM

He’s marked his space with 14 lawn chairs, an ironing board, and a pyramid of milk crates. He’ll fucking shank someone if they move them. 11:09:37 AM

Carl the Intern’s stepmother just stopped by to drop off an extra pair of snowpants for him. She parked in Axelrod’s space. Fuck. 11:34:05 AM

Axelrod just pulled up, jumped out of his car, and keyed “FUCK YOU IN THE ASS” into the hood of her Escalade. Shit. 11:38:17 AM

Hey, New York, you just got fucked by the motherfucking Chicago fucking Bears. 03:22:33 PM

The Bears beat the New York Jets 38–34.

Who Really Gives a Fuck Week

Monday, December 27, 2010

Holy fucking fuck, someone get me a fucking cup of fucking coffee right fucking now. 08:36:32 AM

Off to the Millennium Park ice rink. I’m going to show some motherfuckers what the motherfucking Russian Splits are all about. 12:29:36 PM

This motherfucking cold weather makes me realize that Axelrod really needs to up his fucking knowledge of hot liquor drinks. 08:48:39 PM

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Spent most of the night last night dumping buckets of water on Gery Chico’s car. It’s a motherfucking ice cube now. 10:18:02 AM

This time between Christmas and New Year’s may as well be renamed “Who Really Gives a Fuck Week.” 01:39:42 PM

Whoever is advising Davis is doing a motherfucking incredible job. Keep up the fucking fantastic work. 08:26:43 PM

It was reported that former President Bill Clinton would campaign for Emanuel in January. Danny Davis went on newscasts decrying the decision. He told ABC 7 that “There has been tremendous affinity between the African-American community and the Clintons. I would hope to continue that track. I just simply hope that the President would be neutral.”

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Jesus fucking Christ, there is not enough motherfucking coffee in the whole fucking world this morning. 07:33:27 AM

We’re bringing every motherfucking distant fucking relative of Bill Clinton to town, just to make Davis’s head explode. 08:09:20 AM

If your last name even rhymes with Clinton, you’re getting a call from Carl the Intern and a ticket to Chicago on the fucking Greyhound. 08:11:21 AM

We’ve got a guy named Phil Clinton and another guy named Bill Kimpton on the motherfucking Megabus as we speak. 08:29:30 AM

Braun, if you want to get in on this bullshit too, know that we’ve got Hillary Rodman-Klinkton on motherfucking speed dial. 08:32:38 AM

Holy fuck! It’s actually above motherfucking freezing outside right now. Axelrod’s in his fucking Speedo. 11:18:56 AM

Motherfucking melt this fucking snow, you motherfucking southerly breeze. 12:55:21 PM

If it gets above 40 tomorrow, I’m putting on a fireproof suit, jumping in a spaceship, and flying up to fuck the glorious sun. 01:29:32 PM

Kicking

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Fuck these Angry Birds right in their motherfucking feathered fucking vents. 08:04:32 AM

Angry Birds, a game where you “throw” birds in an attempt to knock down structures and kill green pigs (really), had become a massive, mainstream gaming hit over the Christmas season.

Carl the Intern left his iPod Touch here and I’ve been up most of the fucking night playing it. It is motherfucking maddening. 08:10:34 AM

They give you these motherfucking exploding fucking birds, but then they surround the goddamn pigs with fucking stone blocks? Fuck! 10:16:26 AM

These motherfucking egg-dropping birds are fucking driving me fucking crazy. How the fucking fuck am I supposed to control this shit? 11:41:47 AM

Fuck this bullshit. Fuck this bullshit. Fuck this bullshit. Fuck this motherfucking green pig fortress bullshit. 12:35:02 PM

These fucking boomerang birds might as well be flying up my own motherfucking asshole for all the fucking help they are. 01:52:09 PM

These giant bowling ball-red birds would be motherfucking amazing if this whole game wasn’t fucking me in the ass right now. 03:09:36 PM

How many fucking levels are in this motherfucking game? Eight-fucking-thousand? Fuck. 04:16:51 PM

I’ve been awake since 7:45 yesterday morning, and have been playing Angry Birds for the last 19 hours. I fucking hate everything. 05:25:18 PM

All I want right now is a motherfucking cheeseburger and to claw my goddamn eyes out. Instead I’m fucking flinging these fucking birds. 05:29:04 PM

Axelrod just stormed into my room, stomped on the iPod, left and locked the door. He left a bucket behind—the fuck is that for? 06:30:20 PM

Axelrod and Carl are sitting outside my door, saying, “We’re doing this because we love you.” Fuck them. I NEED MY MOTHERFUCKING BIRDS. 09:46:57 PM

Also, I really need them to come and empty my motherfucking bucket. Because that shit is fucking full to the top. 09:47:37 PM

birds … birds … birds.…bird … fuck. 11:28:59 PM

2011 Is My Goddamn Year

Friday, December 31, 2010

Motherfucking sweet fucking coffee, there is nothing in the world better than you. Except maybe liquor. Or vaginas. 08:14:18 AM

New Year’s Eve, I am going to bust you the fuck open. 09:23:14 AM

Axelrod’s walking around wearing these fucking huge 2011 novelty glasses and his Speedo. “I’m the Baby fucking New Year.” 10:38:40 AM

Carl the Intern’s stepmom is out of town, so the party’s at his house tonight, you motherfuckers. 12:45:49 PM

Penny Pritzker just called. Her chef is mixing up some homebrew Four Loko for the party tonight. Motherfucking double caffeine. 02:05:43 PM

Ernie Banks keeps popping up on the Caller ID, but we’re all trying to avoid him. Motherfucker cannot hold his liquor. 02:13:36 PM

Oh fuck: “Hey you stupid fucking asshole, guess who flew into town?” It’s Ari. He’s here. 02:16:57 PM

Ari brought guests: Kanye West, three Victoria’s Secret models he calls “the underpants twins,” and Helen Mirren. Helen’s already drunk. 03:35:19 PM

Kanye brought his green bean casserole. Again. “I brought it because it’s fucking delicious.” 03:39:08 PM

Carl’s starting to get nervous about hosting the party. Doesn’t help that Helen Mirren keeps trying to give him a backrub. “Jusht relacsh.” 03:55:27 PM

Samurai Mike Singletary just called to find out if it’s OK if he brings a dessert instead of a side salad. Fuck. 04:06:40 PM

Vince Vaughn just called to say he couldn’t make it. Which is weird, because he wasn’t invited, because he’s a boring motherfucker. 04:13:48 PM

Vaughn grew up in the wealthy Chicago suburb of Lake Forest and is a die-hard Cubs fan.

Jeff Tweedy brought Pictionary. This party is going to get fucking insane. New Year’s motherfucking Eve. 04:45:51 PM

Jeff Tweedy is the frontman for Chicago alt-country band Wilco. Rahm Emanuel is a huge fan.

Holy fucking fuck: Jane motherfucking Byrne just showed up. “This isn’t a goddamn endorsement, kid; I just need to party.” 05:53:46 PM

NUMBER ONE ON THE MOTHERFUCKING BALLOT, BITCHES. 07:36:51 PM

On New Year’s Eve, Danny Davis, who had held the number-one spot on the ballot (Emanuel was number two), announced that he was dropping out of the mayoral race. Carol Moseley Braun was officially declared the “consensus candidate” for the African-American community.

Danny Davis just showed up. “Fuck this mayoral shit, I’m here to party!” He’s doing body shots off Helen Mirren. Fuck yes. 08:01:17 PM

It turns out Danny Davis is fucking awesome. He and Tweedy are singing “Islands in the Stream” together on the karaoke machine. 09:24:34 PM

Also: Davis makes a fucking amazing drink called “The Leviathan.” It’s vodka, whiskey, strawberry yogurt, and peppermint schnapps. 09:32:10 PM

Kanye and Nobel Laureate Dale Mortensen have been playing beer pong against the Underpants Twins for like two fucking hours. 10:10:28 PM

Mortensen is an economics professor at Northwestern University, who won the Nobel Prize in 2010 for “analysis of markets with search frictions,” whatever that means.

Motherfuck: Ari just lit Carl’s stepmom’s underwear drawer on fire. 10:12:12 PM

Helen Mirren’s fired up the motherfucking grill on the balcony. “Whip out your meat and I’ll grill that shit.” 10:37:34 PM

Penny just showed up with her homebrew Four Loko. Davis is downing the tropical fucking punch flavor. Watch the fuck out. 10:44:15 PM

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year, you stupid motherfuckers. 2011 is my goddamn year. But I’ll let you borrow it from time to time. 12:03:20 AM

Holy fuck. Apparently 2011 is going to start with a hangover the size of the motherfucking Sears Tower. 09:25:19 AM

Thank fucking god: Carl’s got coffee going and Kanye’s making eggs for everyone. “My bacon scrambler is fucking incredible.” 09:42:04 AM

Jesus fucking Christ: Nobody can get Danny Davis to leave. He’s just fucking lying around on the couch watching cartoons. 06:07:05 PM

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Need. More. Motherfucking. Coffee. 08:31:53 AM

We are swimming in motherfucking chicken wings over here. This fucking Bears game is fucking on. 03:34:06 PM

Someone wake me up when they start playing fucking football. 03:58:10 PM

This boring fucking game can suck on my motherfucking nuts. 05:27:51 PM

Axelrod just about choked to death on a chicken wing after that motherfucking Packers touchdown. Fuck. 05:32:20 PM

Fuck the motherfucking Green Bay fucking Packers. 06:06:23 PM

The Bears lost to the Green Bay Packers 10–3, which allowed the Packers to move on to the post-season.

Monday, January 3, 2011

All-day meeting and someone ate all the motherfucking crullers? Fuck this shit. 07:53:16 AM

Main point of discussion: how little of a fuck do we give about Braun? Axelrod says a cock’s-length. I say a twat’s-hair. 08:22:35 AM

New slogan: “Because this list of opponents keeps getting shittier: Emanuel ’11.” 04:17:37 PM

Tax Returns

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The best part of the next six weeks is going to be watching Carol Moseley Braun slowly fucking self-destruct. 09:41:31 AM

When asked that morning if she would release her tax returns, Braun responded that she wouldn’t, “Because I don’t want to.” The local media went berserk.

Just for fucking fun, I’m going to release my tax returns dating all the way back to motherfucking Arby’s. 09:42:22 AM

Emanuel worked at Arby’s when he was in high school.

Carl the Intern’s at the Circuit Court with three pounds of my shit in ziplock bags. He’s tossing ’em if the verdict comes in wrong. 10:06:12 AM

The Chicago Board of Elections decision on Emanuel’s residency was appealed up to the Cook County Circuit Court, which announced that a ruling would be issued that day.

Driving in Axelrod’s Civic. He had to pull over because “I’ll Be There” came on. We’ll be here for an hour while he cries. 12:18:05 PM

Let’s be honest: Axelrod’s not alone—I still well up when I hear “I’ll Be There” by the Jackson 5.

RESIDENT THREE TIMES, BITCHES. 01:24:51 PM

And the ruling was in: Circuit Court Associate Judge Mark Ballard ruled that Emanuel met the residency requirements and could stay on the ballot.

You motherfuckers want to appeal this shit, go right the fuck ahead. We’re on the motherfucking winning streak to beat. 01:42:34 PM

We’re taking this motherfucking winning streak to the motherfucking boats. Those fucking nickel slots won’t know what fucking hit ’em. 01:56:03 PM

Won $78.35 at the boats. Going to convert it all to quarters and cram each one up Burt Odelson’s motherfucking urethra. 04:28:39 PM

Burt Odelson is a prominent Chicago election lawyer and was the lead attorney in the residency battle.

I’m so excited to read Braun’s tax returns tomorrow that I feel like a motherfucking kid on fucking Christmas goddamn Eve. 07:45:47 PM

In a single-day reversal, Carol Moseley Braun announced that she would in fact release her tax returns in the morning.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Fucking goddamn motherfuck, I fucking need fucking coffee so motherfucking badly. 08:26:29 AM

Staging dramatic readings of Carol Moseley Braun’s tax returns. Carl’s playing the part of “What the fuck were you thinking?” 10:19:11 AM

The headline in the Chicago Tribune really said it all: “Carol Moseley Braun tax returns reveal shaky financial state.”

Axelrod is in tears, he’s laughing so fucking hard. “Do the part again where she made no money in 2009.” 10:44:03 AM

Moseley Braun’s only reported income in 2009—$15,954—was from public pensions.

Moving Day-ley

Been trying to think of something nice to say about Bill Daley: his bald head is fucking magnificent. Too bad about the rest of him. 04:29:14 PM

Bill Daley, the brother of Mayor Richard M. Daley, was announced as President Obama’s new chief of staff, filling the slot Emanuel vacated.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Axelrod just made breakfast. “I call it the Bacon Palace.” My heart’s going to fucking stop. 07:43:11 AM

Great. Now Bill Daley keeps calling. He wants me to help pack his motherfucking U-Haul. Fuck. 01:31:03 PM

“Rahm, it’s Bill. Since I’ve got your old job, and you’re getting my brother’s old job, I think you can help move these book boxes.” Fuck. 02:52:15 PM

Fourteen motherfucking voice mails like that. I’m tossing this fucking phone in the lake. 02:53:28 PM

Friday, January 7, 2011

In Axelrod’s Civic on the way over to Bill Daley’s place to help him move. He’d better have motherfucking donuts. 07:55:33 AM

Daley moved some couch cushions, then started taking fucking calls. “I’ve gotta get this. Can you move that cast-iron stove?” 09:20:30 AM

Bill motherfucking Daley must have a thousand fucking book boxes. My fucking back is going to be so fucking fucked. 09:41:31 AM

Guess who just had to “duck out on Presidential business,” right as we were starting to move his fucking free weights? 10:06:53 AM

Daley’s fucking sea-glass collection has to have each fucking piece individually fucking wrapped, first in tissue, then in bubble wrap. 11:46:29 AM

Motherfuck. Bill just came in and had a shitfit because it was supposed to be two motherfucking layers of tissue. Rewrapping now. 12:16:42 PM

Daley’s got all his clothes packed in giant motherfucking steamer trunks, like he’s setting sail on the motherfucking Titanic. 01:31:52 PM

This motherfucking piano is not going to fit in the motherfucking truck. 02:00:13 PM

We’ve had to repack this motherfucking truck twice. And the whole fucking time, Bill has been on his fucking phone. 05:04:52 PM

He keeps giving me this “You know how it goes” shrug. And I keep giving him a “Fuck you, you fucking fuck” glare right back. 05:07:09 PM

Fuck all this fucking shit. It’s Friday motherfucking night. Let’s fucking go. 05:37:06 PM

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Holy fucking fuc

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