The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!)

by Pulley, Anna; Beyer, Kelsey

• ISBN13: 9781250072641
• ISBN10: 1250072646
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2016-04-19
• Publisher: Flatiron Books

Summary

Lesbian sex has been confounding people since the dawn of time. What is it that two women do together exactly? The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!) is a humorous guide to lesbian sex, dating rituals, and relationships, and aims to dispel all myths. Haiku paired with hilarious watercolor illustrations of cats in various stages of sexual awkwardness will enlighten, demystify, remystify, and most importantly entertain as you learn about all the aspects involved in girl-on-girl action.

From lesbian pick-up lines:

Pronounce Annie Proulx's
name correctly—watch lady's
cargo pants fall off.

To icebreaker haiku for first dates:

It has been MANY
years, but I'm not done griping
about The L Word.

To, of course, the mechanics of lesbian sex:

It's like straight sex but
afterwards we ask ourselves,
"We just had sex, right?"

Lesbian sex is
like water polo—no one
really knows the rules.

This laugh-out-loud book is the perfect gift to amuse and educate your friends, loved ones, and lovers.

Author Biography

ANNA PULLEY is the managing editor of the East Bay Express an alt-weekly in Oakland, CA and is formerly the arts and culture editor at San Francisco's SF Weekly. She's been a repeat guest on Dan Savage's podcast Savage Love and is a sex and relationship columnist for The Chicago Tribune.

KELSEY BEYER is an artist living in Oakland. She specializes in printmaking, drawings, illustrations, and figure modeling. Her work has been featured in Foulmouth Greeting Cards, in sex stores, and on Facebook team logos.

Table of Contents

Introduction
LESBIANISM 101
-You Might Be a Queer Girl If...
-A Representative Sample of Every Lesbian Movie Ever Made
HOW TO PICKUP A LESBIAN
-More Realistic Ways to "Flag" as a Womyn-Loving Wo'moon
-Foolproof Lesbian Pickup Lines
-Lesbian pickup Strategies That Rarely Work Yet Are Replicated Incessantly
-How to Pick Up...
-Imagined Awkward Propositions for the Characters You're Read About in Your Book Club
-Imagined Awkward Propositions from Famous Queer Women Throughout History
DATING: IT'S NOT OK, OKCUPID
-A Representative Sample of All Craigslist Women 4 Women Missed Connections
-Possible First Messages to Women on Online Dating Sites
-How to Fill Out Your Dating Profile like a True Lesbian
-How to Proposition a Girl on Facebook
-A Summary of All Craigslist Women 4 Women Ads
-How to Proposition Someone While Playing Online Scrabble
-Perfect Valid Excuses a Lesbian Might Use to Turn You Down for a Date
-A Line of Lesbian-Themed Greeting Cards for Your Dates
U-HAULING
-Signs That You're in a Cohabitating Lesbian Relationship
-You Might Be in a Polyamorous Relationship...
-Taking Things to the Next Level
-A Line of Lesbian-Themed Greeting Cards for Your Long-Term Lovers
-Innovative Lesbian Date Suggestions
HOW LESBIAN SEX WORKS
-The Ins and Ins and Some Outs of Lesbian Sex
-If the Fifty Shades of Grey Series Had Been Written by a Queer Lady
-How Lesbian Sex Works in Long-Term Couples
-Group Sex: The More the Harrier
-Sex Through the Ages
-Dos and Don'ts
-If Lesbian Porn Were Accurate
-If Lesbians Were in Charge of Defining Common Sex Positions
LOOK BOTH WAYS: DEMYSTIFYING BISEXUALITY
-What's a Bisexual?
-How Does Bisexual Sex Work?
-Common Bisexual Questions Posed to Nonbisexual People
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
-A Representative Sample of Every Lesbian Breakup Throughout History in Twelve Words
-How to Break Up with a Lesbian
-How to Let a Queer Girl Down Gently
-The Wrong Way to Grieve a Breakup
-A Line of Lesbian-Themed Greeting Cards for Exes
-How to Break Up with Fictional Characters Who Were Implicitly or Explicitly Lesbians
-The Twelve Stages of Lesbian Breakup Grief
-Rebounds
MY EX IF YOUR EX: THE UPS AND DOWNS OF BEING LOVERS AND FRIENDS WITH EXES
-Serious, Insurmountable Lesbian Problems
-Hipster Appropriation of Lesbian Culture: A Manifesto in Five Haiku
-Lesbian Bed Death
-Common Reasons a Lesbian May Suddenly and Inexplicably Cry
-A Line of Lesbian-Themed Greeting Cards for Your Friends
-Perfectly Legitimate Reasons Why a Lesbian Might Sleep with Her Friends
-The Perks of Being Friends with a Lesbian
Acknowledgments