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Chapter One
The Weirdest Thing in the History of the World
My name is A.J. and I hate school.
It was Monday morning, and all the girls were playing with these fake makeup kits that they got at some birthday party over the weekend. I thought I was gonna throw up.
"Picture Day is in three weeks," said my teacher, Miss Daisy, as she handed us each a piece of paper. "A photographer is going to come and take pictures of every student in school. So make sure your parents fill out this form if they want to order pictures."
"I love getting my picture taken!" said this annoying girl with curly brown hair named Andrea Young. (The girl's name is Andrea Young, that is. Not her hair. Hair doesn't have a name.)
"Me too," said this crybaby girl named Emily, who always agrees with anything Andrea says.
"They should take your pictures," I suggested, "and burn them."
My friends Ryan and Michael laughed. Emily looked like she was going to cry.
"It just so happens that Emily and I are very photogenic," Andrea told us.
"Wow!" I said. "You can read minds?"
"‘Photogenic' means you look good in pictures, dumbhead."
"That's good," I said, "because you're ugly in real life."
"Oh, snap!" said Michael.
"Do you know where they should put your picture, Arlo?" asked Andrea.
"Where?" I asked. I hate when she calls me by my real name.
"In the post office," she said, "with all those pictures of criminals and bank robbers and murderers."
"Oh, snap!" said Ryan.
"So is your face," I told Andrea. Any time somebody says something mean to you, always say, "So is your face." Even if it doesn't make any sense. That's the first rule of being a kid.
"Enough chitchat," said Miss Daisy. "We have library now with Mrs. Roopy."
"Yay!" said all the girls.
"Boo!" said all the boys.
Bummer in the summer! Libraries are boring. Do you know why? Because they're filled with books! And there's nothing more boring than a book. Why are you even reading this one?
Library would be even more boring if we didn't have a librarian like Mrs. Roopy. She's always dressed up like somebody else, whether it's Little Bo Peep or Johnny Appleseed. Mrs. Roopy is loopy.
When we got to the library, we saw Mrs. Roopy dressed up like a giant bird, with lots of feathers and a beak.
"Why are you dressed up like a bird, Mrs. Roopy?" asked Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.
"Squawk! Squawk! Squawk!" shouted Mrs. Roopy as she flapped her wings. "Who's Roopy? My name is Rappy. I'm a peregrine falcon, the main character in The Fearless Falcon.* It's a wonderful book written and illustrated by the famous children's book author Miss Suki Kabuki."
Mrs. Roopy read us a few chapters of the book. It's about this falcon that sees its reflection in a window and thinks it's an enemy. So it attacks its own reflection by flying right into the glass. Bam!
Man, was that bird dumb.**
"That's the saddest story I ever heard!" Emily said, with tears in her eyes. That girl will cry over any old thing.
After library we went to the art room. Ms. Hannah, our art teacher, was waiting for us.
"Today we're going to draw pictures of Rappy, the peregrine falcon in The Fearless Falcon," said Ms. Hannah. "It was written and illustrated by the famous children's book author Miss Suki Kabuki."
Hmm, that was strange. Why were we doing something with the same book in both library and art?
After we finished drawing our pictures and cleaning up the art room, it was time to go to music with Mr. Loring.
"Today we're going to sing a song about a falcon named Rappy," said Mr. Loring. "He's the main character in The Fearless Falcon, which was written and illustrated by Miss Suki Kabuki."
This was getting really weird!
After music class was over, we went to the computer lab.
"Good morning," said Mrs. Yonkers, our computer teacher. "Today we're going to visit www.sukikabuki.com. That's the website of children's book author Miss Suki Kabuki."
What the heck was going on?! How come all the teachers were talking about this dumb children's book author? It was the weirdest thing in the history of the world.
After we finished computer lab, we went back to our class to get ready for lunch. Suddenly I heard a knock at the door. Miss Daisy answered it.
It was Mr. Klutz, the principal! He has no hair at all.
"I have big news!" Mr. Klutz announced. "Guess who will be coming to visit our school in three weeks?"
"Who?" we all asked.
"A famous children's book author," Mr. Klutz said. "Her name is Miss Suki Kabuki!"
My Weird School #17: Miss Suki Is Kooky!. Copyright © by Dan Gutman. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
Excerpted from Miss Suki Is Kooky! by Dan Gutman
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