9781439163160

Oh No She Didn't : The Top 100 Style Mistakes Women Make and How to Avoid Them

by
  • ISBN13:

    9781439163160

  • ISBN10:

    1439163162

  • Format: Hardcover
  • Copyright: 2010-10-12
  • Publisher: Gallery Books
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Summary

Muffin tops. Scrunchies. Suntan hose. Slut shoes. Visible panty line. Who hasn't had the unfortunate experience of witnessing or (gasp!) actually wearing one of these fashion disasters? The atrocities Clinton Kelly has seen; it's a surprise he hasn't gouged out his own eyes. Mom jeans? Fancy fingernails? Tracksuits? In the same straight-talking style that has made TLC's What Not to Wear a smash hit for eight seasons, the cheeky media personality and author of Freakin' Fabulous shows women how to outfit themselves with confidence and style as he pokes fun at fashion "don'ts." From the most obvious faux pas (Texas tuxedos) to borderline offenses (peekaboo boobies), Clinton offers detailed and entertaining critiques of our top one hundred sartorial slip-ups. He turns his keen eye to wardrobe, color, cut, cleanliness, hairstyle, accessories, and even posture. And because he loves you, he presents easy alternatives and practical suggestions for creating fabulous outfits that will make you forget you ever wore socks with clogs. Clinton also explains how to use trends to your advantage at any age, from deciding which ones work for you to understanding how to wear them to keep your look relevant. Because if you're not comfortable in the sequined mini, everyone around you will know it. A delightful mix of hilarious dish and expert fashion advice, Oh No She Didn't will turn anyone from fashion victim to fashionista in no time.

Table of Contents

Introductionp. 1
The Mom Jeanp. 2
Scuffed-Up Heelsp. 5
Fancy Fingernailsp. 6
Catholic Schoolgirlp. 8
Tattoos And Evening Wearp. 11
Gnarly Feetp. 12
Muffin Topp. 15
Track Suitsp. 16
Hairy Legs Under Hosep. 19
Counterfeit Anythingp. 20
Low Boobiesp. 23
Applying Makeup In Publicp. 24
Pajamas In Publicp. 27
Colored Suitsp. 28
Reinforced Toep. 31
Tramp Stamps At Workp. 32
Cartoon Charactersp. 35
Denim On Denimp. 36
Horse Hairp. 39
Socks With Clogsp. 40
Nipping Outp. 43
Black Addictionp. 44
Suntan Hosep. 47
Turtlenecksp. 48
Matching Your Matep. 51
The Monica Shoep. 52
Too-Long Sleevesp. 55
Condiment Colorsp. 56
Wet Hair Ponytailp. 59
The Whale Tailp. 60
Holiday Sweatersp. 63
Too Much Cleavage At Workp. 64
Cross-Trainersp. 67
Frayed Hemsp. 68
Matchy-Matchy Outfitsp. 70
Red Lipstickp. 72
Dropped Crotchp. 75
Beigep. 76
Frizzp. 79
Horizontal Stripesp. 80
Slut Shoesp. 83
Gap In The Backp. 84
Fidgetingp. 86
Giveaway And Sloganed T-Shirtsp. 88
Outdated Patternsp. 91
Double Bubble (Or, Thy Cups Runneth Over)p. 92
Cropped Pantsp. 95
Porn Mouthp. 96
Frosted Hairp. 99
Visible Panty Linep. 100
Flip-Flopsp. 103
Midsection Clingp. 104
Bad Brows!p. 106
Underfilled Cupsp. 109
Pastel Pinkp. 110
Attacked By Animal Printp. 113
Camel Toep. 114
The "I Give Up" Dressp. 117
Dated Hairp. 118
Polar Fleecep. 121
Any Sort Of Belly-Baring Shirt When You Have Stretch Marksp. 122
Old-School Polyesterp. 125
Head-To-Toe Trend Hop. 126
Sweatsshirts And Their Evil Cousins, Hoodiesp. 129
Mustachesp. 130
Tentsp. 133
Droopy Shouldersp. 134
The LLBD (Lame Little Black Dress)p. 137
Scrunchies (And Other Cheap Hair Crap)p. 138
Pleated Khaki Cuffed Shortsp. 141
Distressed Denimp. 142
Shine ODp. 145
"It's Vintage!"p. 146
Rootsp. 148
Gloppy Mascarap. 151
Stirrup Pantsp. 152
Peekaboo, I See Your Boobiesp. 155
Tiny Logo Bagsp. 156
Tuckingp. 159
Visible Pin Jobsp. 160
Novelty Bagsp. 163
The Boca Sandalp. 164
All Solids All The Timep. 166
Pubescent Stylep. 168
Jackets That Don't Buttonp. 171
The Little Nubbin In The Boatp. 172
Baggy Buttp. 175
Matching Jewelryp. 176
Platform Flip Flopsp. 179
Pillingp. 180
Misguided Beltsp. 183
Bad Posturep. 184
Stainsp. 187
Kooky Embroideryp. 188
Calf-Length Skirts Mini Anything Overp. 191
"A Certain Age"p. 192
Covering Your Ass With An Invisibility Cloakp. 195
Mall Jewelryp. 196
Black Pants And White Shirtsp. 199
Opting Outp. 200
Table of Contents provided by Ingram. All Rights Reserved.

Excerpts

INTRODUCTION

THE ATROCITIES I’VE SEEN

I mean, seriously, sometimes I’m surprised I haven’t already gouged out my own eyes. Truth be told, I did come pretty damn close once. I was in Pittsburgh, at the airport, or maybe it was Cincinnati. Doesn’t matter, really. There I was, just minding my own business, reading the newspaper and waiting for my flight to board, when a couple of women approached me.

“Are you Clinton?” one of them asked.

This question always kind of bugs me. Youknowit’s me. Just say hello and go back to your quadruple mocha latte. “Yep,” I replied, and looked up to see two of the most horrific outfits imaginable. Both women—both—were wearing horizontal-striped turtlenecks tucked into high-waisted Mom Jeans with white cross-trainers.

“We love your show!” said one.

“We watch it all the time!” declared the other.

I smiled and said thank you, because I’m a gentleman. But inside my little head, I screamed to the heavens with all my might:Why, God! Why do you hate me so much!

Maybe I get a tad exasperated from time to time, but certainly you can understand why. I’ve spent the good part of a decade explaining, with as much patience as I could muster, why you shouldn’t pair socks with sandals, why you might want to avoid tube tops after the age of forty, why elastic-waist pants are evil incarnate. But, evidently, not everyone is listening.

Still, I continue on with my mission to make America a more beautiful place. I’m like that Native American dude from the commercial who cries when he sees people litter. Except, I’m not crying. It’s more like I’m laughing at you. In fact, he’s laughing at you too. We’re having gin and tonics right now, and I was just telling him that your outfit was revolting. And you know what he said?

“And how.”

And how! Couldn’t you just die? I almost peed my pants a little.

© 2010 Clinton Kelly

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