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To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First

by Unknown

ISBN13:

9780824525385

ISBN10:

0824525388

Format:

Trade Paper

Pub. Date:

9/1/2009

Publisher(s):

The Crossroad Publishing Company

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Summary

A Win-Win Approach to Marriage and ParentingAll parents want their children to be happy. But many couples today go too far, letting everything revolve around their kids. This hurts the children and the marriage. The good news is you don't have to choose between your spouse and your kids. Drawing from the latest research in neuroscience and his study of families around the world, David Code explains why putting your marriage first actually produces happier kids.In this book you'll learn how confronting your anxiety liberates your children to establish their own identity, learn self-reliance, and become more confident adults. You'll also discover why you already married the perfect spouse, and why it's okay to have tough arguments. A good marriage sets a great example for your children's future relationships, and that's win-win for the whole family.

Author Biography

David Code is an Episcopal minister and family coach who blogs on the topics of marriage and parenting for a Pennsylvania newspaper site. He founded the Center for Staying Married & Raising Great Kids, and has written for the Wall Street Journal. He lives in University Park, Maryland.

Acknowledgments	p. xi
Introduction Three Myths That Are Harming Our Families	p. 1
Out of the Chaos Patterns Emerge
Learning from Other People's Mistakes
Couples Living in Emotional Divorce
Taking Stock of Your Family
Myth #1: The More Attention We Give Our Kids, The Better They'll Turn Out
How You Relate to Your Spouse
Myth #2: Arguing Leads to Divorce
How You View Your Marriage
Myth #3: If We Feel Unfulfilled in Our Marriage, It's Because We Married the Wrong Person
Just One Degree of Change Alters the Rest of Your Life
How We Hurt Our Kids Without Realizing It
How We Create a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy in Our Kids	p. 16
When It Comes to Attention, Less Is More
Couples Who Live Like Roommates Harm Their Kids
How We Pass On Our Baggage
The Four Steps of Projection onto Our Children
Nature versus Nurture
The Mind-Body Connection: Our Minds Affect Our Kids' Bodies
Projection Summarized
Your Child Is Not Your Best Friend
A Wake-Up Call
Why We Kill Our Kids with Kindness	p. 44
How versus Why
Like All Animals, Humans Wean Their Offspring
The Mother-Infant Bond: Ensuring Her Infant Will Thrive
Attunement: A Conversation between Caregiver and Child
Weaning: A Crucial Step for a Child's Independence
How Caregiver and Child Become "Addicted" to Each Other
Attunement: The Messenger of Escalating Anxiety
Our Brain's Amygdala: Once-Bitten, Twice-Shy
The Child Replays This Drama as an Adult
Summary
How We Hurt Our Marriages, Which Hurts Our Kids
Why We Hurt Those We Love Most	p. 78
We Don't Realize We're "Trigger-Happy"
Scapegoating: Spraying Our Anxiety onto Others
Blamers and Self-Blamers
A Common Pattern Leading to a Troubled Spouse or Child
Less Drama, More Control
The Silent Killer of Marriage	p. 100
The "Flight" in Our Fight-or-Flight Response
Avoiding Our Spouse Is Worse Than Arguing
Common Ways We Distance without Realizing It
Anxiety: The Cause of Drama in Relationships	p. 115
What We Call "Stress" Is Actually Our Own Inner Anxiety
A Nervous Soldier on Guard Duty
Is It a Jungle Out There?
Programmed to Overreact
Imprinting: How We Pass Our Baggage On to Our Kids
Anxiety Spreads Quickly through the "Herd"
Incomplete Weaning versus Imprinting
Kids Pick Up On Everything: Mirror Neurons
Seeing the Vicious Cycle of Anxiety
Relief from Anxiety: Self-Awareness
The Solution: To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First
The Grass Is Not Greener: You've Already Chosen Your Ideal Mate	p. 144
Chemistry: A Primal Instinct between Mates
Similar Levels of Anxiety
Our Startle Reflex
What Brings Us Together Also Drives Us Apart
Chemistry Doesn't Lie, So Accept Your Mate
Playing the Hand We Were Dealt
Take a Crash Course on Your Family's History So You Don't Repeat It	p. 162
Benefit #1: Accepting Your Loved Ones
Benefit #2: Improving Your Personality
Let's Go on Safari!
Benefit #3: Improving Your Marriage by Working with Your Parents
The Joy of Observing Yourself
I Want Inner Peace Now!
Look for the Problem in Yourself First	p. 193
Step 1: Define Your Kid's Problem, and Search for That Same Problem within Yourself
Step 2: Trace Your Kid's Problem Back to Its Roots in Your Family of Origin
Step 3: View Your Child's Problem as a Sign of Anxiety in You or Your Marriage
If You Feel Guilty, Read This
Step 4: Recognize More of Your Own Drama So That You Will Be Less Anxious and Thus Pass Less Baggage On to Your Child
Summary: Avoiding the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
We Get So Much Good Advice, But Why Can't We Follow Through?	p. 216
"Helping" Is Actually Hurting
How to Reduce Your Worry about What Others Think of You
Playing Detective and Solving Family Mysteries
Reunion: Bringing the Demons Out of the Closet
The Pay-Off
What True Compassion Means
Writing Out What You Believe
Want Happy Kids? Get a Life Yourself!
Message to Working Mothers: You Go, Girl!
Eat, Walk, and Talk Your Way to a Happier Family	p. 246
Creating a Lifelong Friendship with Your Spouse
Bringing Life to Mealtimes
The Shortcut to Marital Bliss: Visit Your Parents
Where Do We Go from Here?
Notes	p. 261
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