Your Wife Is Not Your Momma : How You Can Have Heaven in Your Home

by BOONE, WELLINGTON

• ISBN13: 9780385494168
• ISBN10: 0385494165
• Edition: 1st
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 1999-03-01
• Publisher: Doubleday

Summary

Taking the saying "Your wife is not your momma" as the title of his book, Bishop Wellington Boone offers sound advice to the married man who wants to improve his relationship with his wife, and to the woman who wants to see a change in her man. It is the ideal guide for those who want to have a little bit of heaven in their home. Boone's message is a simple one: Put God first and serve your wife as Jesus served the Church. By using your relationship with God as the model for your marriage, you put yourself in a position to love and, in return, be loved, thereby creating a fulfilling and rewarding home life. Boone shows what works, why it works, and how to apply it to your own life. No matter whether you are single, divorced, newlyweds, or celebrating a silver anniversary, this book offers important counsel on the critical issues that must be resolved before getting married; how to prevent problems with your spouse and children; and how to avoid being an outlaw instead of a beloved in-law. Filled with do's and don'ts, tables and checklists, questions to work through, Bible references, and reflective prayers,Your Wife Is Not Your Mommais an invaluable resource for anyone who wants to enjoy the rewards of a God-centered relationship.

Author Biography

Wellington Boone is one of today's most dynamic and sought-after Christian pastors.  In addition to serving his congregation, The Father's House, an international church for all people, in Atlanta, he is a bestselling author and editorial columnist, featured speaker at Promise Keepers rallies and in local congregations, seminar leader, and guest on national television and radio shows.  Bishop Boone addresses people's need for personal revival, family restoration, and reconciliation among the races.  Founder of several service ministries, such as Pray for the Cities, Inner-City Bible Society, New Generation Campus Ministries, and Network of Christian Women, this gifted man of God lives out his faith wherever he goes.  His 1996 book on racial, economic, and social reconciliation, <b>Brea

Table of Contents

PREFACE	vii
CHAPTER ONE: REALLY LOVE YOUR WIFE	1	(24)
How to Get Your Wife to Really Love You	2	(2)
Jesus Will Change Your Wife--and You	4	(5)
Heaven on Earth--Right Now	9	(3)
Overcoming the Spirit of Division in Your Home	12	(5)
Our Awesome Marriage to Christ	17	(1)
God's Visitation Fixes Everything in Your House	18	(3)
Prayer	21	(2)
Selah	23	(2)
CHAPTER TWO: BECOMING BLENDED: MAKING THE TRANSITION FROM BEING SINGLE TO BEING MARRIED	25	(48)
God and the Functional Family	26	(11)
Working on Your Attitudes	37	(8)
Financial Management and Integrity	45	(3)
Honoring Her Parents and Yours	48	(3)
Staying Pure	51	(16)
Becoming Blended Under God	67	(3)
Prayer	70	(1)
Selah	71	(2)
CHAPTER THREE: WOMEN SHOULD MARRY ONLY GROWN-UP MEN	73	(24)
God Was Keeping Me	74	(3)
Marriage Is for the Mature	77	(2)
The Marriage Covenant	79	(4)
When a Father Remains His Daughter's Protector	83	(3)
Leadership Lifestyles of Grown-Up Men	86	(6)
Women Can Identify a Grown-Up Man	92	(2)
Prayer	94	(1)
Selah	95	(2)
CHAPTER FOUR: BLOW YOUR WIFE'S MIND	97	(16)
Blow Your Wife's Mind with Secret Giving	98	(1)
"Look-at-Me" Giving	99	(3)
Give Your All to God	102	(1)
Four Things You Should Give Your Wife	102	(8)
The Release of Unearned Gifts--Jubilee!	110	(1)
Prayer	111	(1)
Selah	112	(1)
CHAPTER FIVE: HAVE THE HOME-COURT ADVANTAGE ALL THE TIME	113	(26)
Your Wife Is Everything You Have Made Her	113	(2)
God's Game Plan	115	(3)
Home-Court Advantage Is Up to You	118	(7)
A Winning Marriage	125	(7)
How to Keep the Home-Court Advantage All the Time	132	(3)
Prayer	135	(1)
Selah	136	(3)
CHAPTER SIX: HOW LOW WILL YOU GO FOR YOUR WIFE?	139	(18)
A Christ-Like Example of Lowliness	140	(4)
Uncle Tom, Modeled After Christ, Changed History	144	(10)
Walking Out the Christ-Likeness of an Uncle Tom	154	(1)
Prayer	155	(1)
Selah	155	(2)
CHAPTER SEVEN: IN-LAWS ARE NOT OUTLAWS	157	(22)
Recapturing the Rightful Place of In-Laws	157	(2)
Jethro: The Father-in-Law of Moses	159	(4)
In-Laws Can Help a Marriage	163	(3)
Relationships of Respect	166	(7)
In-Law Intervention	173	(2)
In-Law Are a Blessing	175	(1)
Prayer	176	(1)
Selah	177	(2)
CHAPTER EIGHT: CHILDREN ARE A BLESSING FROM THE LORD	179	(32)
Prodigal Children	180	(2)
Relating to Your Children in Christ-Likeness	182	(5)
Your Attitudes Determine Your Altitude	187	(6)
Submission Is the Model	193	(6)
Taking Time for Children	199	(3)
An Example from the Life of Frederick Douglass	202	(3)
Prayer	205	(1)
Selah	206	(2)
Children's Spiritual Training Chart	208	(3)
CHAPTER NINE: BE THE MAN OF GOD YOUR FAMILY NEEDS	211	(28)
Your Spiritual Roles and Responsibilities in the Home	212	(6)
A Priest Named Zachariah	218	(7)
A Prophet Named Noah	225	(4)
Anointed to Be a Man of God	229	(3)
Is Your Life a Picture of Jesus' Life?	232	(1)
Prayer	233	(2)
Selah	235	(1)
May I Go to Sleep Now, Father?	235	(4)
CHAPTER TEN: MARRIAGE IS ON-THE-JOB TRAINING FOR THE FUTURE	239	(38)
Heaven on Earth	240	(2)
Every Stage of Your Life Is a Preparation for the Next	242	(7)
How a Good Marriage Helps Make You Successful Anywhere	249	(5)
A Challenge to Churches, Schools, and Businesses	254	(2)
How to Become "Ruler Over Many Things" by Being "Faithful Over a Few Things"	256	(5)
Prepared for Heaven	261	(4)
Our Marriage to Jesus Is Coming	265	(3)
Stages in the Jewish Wedding Ceremony	268	(7)
Prayer	275	(1)
Selah	276	(1)
NOTES	277

Excerpts

Really Love Your Wife

"Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church."
--Ephesians 5, The Message

Are you exploding with love for your wife? If you aren't, it's because you haven't believed in the great things God has prepared for you as a husband.

You have a champion inside of you. I'm calling that champion up to the surface right now.

I want you to break free from every bondage that keeps you from having a great time being your wife's husband

You are absolutely destined for greatness, beginning in your own home!

When you get married, you leave your parents' home and enter a whole new phase of life. Your love for your wife is different from your love for your momma, and your wife's love for her daddy is different from her love for you. Your love for your wife should model how Christ loves the Church. Jesus is your role model for extravagant, joyful love. You are the only church that most people see.

This is a chapter about the great things that happened when I learned how I could really love my wife as Christ loves the Church. You can have great things happen in your married life, too, because you've been ordained to be like Jesus.

You can be a great husband! You know how I know? Because you and I have a great God, and He wants you to experience pure love in your marriage--to have heaven in your home.

How to Get Your Wife to Really Love You

I saw my wife going off to take a shower, so I looked around to see what she would wear. She hadn't laid out an outfit, so I said to myself, Look, I'm supposed to love her as Christ loves the Church, right? Here's my chance to blow her mind by out-serving her, just as Christ out-serves the Church!

So I looked in the closet, found three outfits, and guess what? I ironed all three of them so she would have something to choose from when she got out. I had finished two and a half outfits when she caught me with the last one.

"What are you doing?" she demanded.

I said, "Honey, I just love you. I didn't see that you had prepared anything to wear and I wanted you to have something." I was humbling myself the whole time, low-looking her, because I really wanted to be a servant to her out of love.

Low-Looking Your Wife

Now, what do I mean by "low-looking her"? We men are so used to dominating people, standing in this certain posture, putting on like we're in control. The Lord says he hates the "high look," so in order to please God I have had to work on the "low look." I've had to learn to be like Jesus to my wife "meek and lowly in heart." I've had to go down when I wanted to raise up in my own defense. I had to discover that I was more of a man when I was meek, in the biblical sense, than when I was mighty. I was stronger when I gave in, even knowing I was right, than when I pushed my weight around, telling her to submit. I had to learn that I could show my wife real love only by being kind and by serving her.

My ironing something for my wife was a spontaneous gift of my time from my heart. It was a response to a kairos. That is a Greek word used in the New Testament for a divine window of opportunity. It was an opportunity to show my love for her. It came out of the heart God has given me for out-serving her, instead of always expecting her to serve me. It blew my wife's mind! It was great!

My wife was so amazed and embarrassed at my ironing something for her that she started to grab the iron. She said, "No! Give me the iron!" but I said, "No! I have it!" Then she threw down her hands and tears came to her eyes and she said, "This is too much!" It wasn't what I said or what I did that broke her down. It was the attitude of humility and unconditional love that overwhelmed her. She knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did it for her because I loved her. I didn't want to dominate her or lord it over her. I wasn't trying to manipulate her to get something for myself. I just wanted to serve her, as Christ serves the Church, and that caused her heart to want to surrender to me. She saw that I really loved her and she wanted to yield. Her heart was so full of joy that it overflowed in tears.

When I finished the ironing, I went into the rest room, where she couldn't see me, and gave God a high five! I said, "Yes! She cried from my loving her so strong!"

Giving Yourself to Your Wife

Strong love. That's what we husbands need these days. The Bible says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her." Now, that is some kind of strong love! Do you know how much endurance it took to hang on that cross until He could say, "It is finished"? If you've ever done endurance training for running or any other kind of sport, you know how much your muscles scream for relief, but you keep pushing them a little longer, a little harder, past the point of pain.

It's the same way in marriage. When you think you've endured all you can endure, you press on. You embrace the pain. You run the race to win. You stay on your own, personal cross in front of the witnesses in heaven until you're finished and God says, "Well done!"

Why did Jesus stay on the cross? Because He knew it would transform our relationship with His Father. If you stay on your cross, it will transform your wife's relationship with God and with you, and in the process, you'll also come closer to God. You'll be able to die to your old way of doing things and be resurrected to a new way of life in Christ-likeness. Jesus did it for you--for the joy set before Him. You can die to your old ways for the sake of your wife, if you become like Him.

You Can Be Changed

In the first three Gospels, when Jesus talks about our taking up the cross to follow Him, that event is followed by His transfiguration. That's because dying on the cross to your old way of living transfigures you and makes you more like Him. That's what marriage is all about. It's not just a man and woman living together. It's God's people walking out the kingdom lifestyle as a witness to the world.

Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me." Then eight days later He took His inner circle Peter, James, and John--and went up on the mountain to pray. "And as He prayed, the appearance of His face was altered, and His robe became white and glistening." Even though Moses and Elijah were there as great men of God, God pointed out His Son as the greatest. He said, "This is my beloved Son. Hear him!" Jesus never said, "I'm the greatest," but He lived out the lifestyle of greatness by serving.

Who is the greatest, according to Jesus? The greatest is the one who serves.

Do you hear God calling you to take up your cross and follow Jesus in a life of sacrificial serving? Or do you have your mind volume turned up so high with your own voice that you've drowned Him out?

Do you know why most men really stop loving their wives or even decide to get divorced? Because they are not man enough to stay on the cross. They quit in crunch time. Their team is only one point down, but instead of taking the open shot at the basket, they throw the ball out of bounds. They never allow their marriage to change them as God intended, so God can't use them to bless their wives.

Let your wife be God's instrument of change in your life.

Women, for the most part, are wooed and won over by a husband's sacrificial love. That's the way the Church is toward Christ. If your woman sees you going all out in love for her, giving her gifts, listening to her, taking her places, out-serving her, don't you think she'll love that? Wouldn't you like to make her that happy?




How to Give Your Wife Time

Most men wouldn't think of doing such a thing, and there was a time in my life when I wouldn't have either. When God changed me, He showed me that my time is not my own. He gave it to me, and He wants me to bless my wife by giving "my" time to her.

God makes time for us. If you really want to be like Him, make her need for time with you a priority in your life.

Practical Ways To Give Your Wife Time:

Time to pray together every day
Time to study the Word together
Time to go to church and sit together and talk about what you heard--together
Time to go for walks together when you won't be interrupted
Time to go for drives to places you both like--the woods, the hills, the mountains, or the beach
Time to go to bed together and talk without being distracted by the television
Time to help with grocery shopping and carrying in the groceries
Time to go out for dinner with her when you were planning to watch the Super Bowl. (That's a great way to beat the crowds at your favorite restaurant!)
Time to open doors for her
Time to help her on with her coat
Time to fix breakfast for her and the children on weekends


Show Your Wife How Much You Value Her

The Eight-Cow Woman. There once was a town where men paid the dowries for their future wives in cows. The highest dowry that a man had ever paid a father for his daughter's hand in marriage was four cows.

One father in the town had a daughter who was very plain and unattractive, and most of the townspeople doubted if she would ever find a husband. However, one day a rich, successful rancher who owned many cattle saw the woman and fell in love with her. He went to the girl's father and began negotiations for the dowry. Everyone expected him to ask for a bargain, because no one had ever made an offer on her before, but he said, "I will pay you eight cows." They were shocked! But even more shocking was what happened next.

That homely girl became the most beautiful woman in town. Because her husband valued her, she began to carry herself differently. She stood straight and tall. She dressed well. Her whole countenance changed because of the value placed on her by someone who loved and cherished her.

As a man, your goal should be to make your wife feel cherished like this "eight-cow woman." Go after your wife as if she were the best catch in town, because she is, to you. Bless her in any way you can, and watch her flourish under the nurture of your love. If she likes gifts, give her gifts, and give her the kind she likes. Does she like flowers? A dinner out in a nice restaurant? A hike in the woods? A new ring? Or does she just want uninterrupted time every night to be alone with you?

God, your team owner, paid the highest price for every player at the cross. Show your wife how much you acknowledge her value. Treat her as if she's worth the blood of Jesus.

Striving for Rights Doesn't Represent Jesus.

Jesus doesn't strive with the Father to get His rights. The devil was the one who did that, so God had to kick him out of heaven, because striving doesn't represent His ways. Jesus and the Father are one in love. They stay together for the sake of the children--us! They live all the time in a heavenly atmosphere of peace. And it's not a temporary peace, where they "agree to disagree." They are living in permanent, blissful unity for eternity. What do they have that we need to obtain for ourselves? They have love. They have wisdom. They have corporate purpose and the order necessary to fulfill that purpose, each one understanding His part in the overall plan.

A family is like a body, just as the Church is like a body. A body can have only one head, or else it's a monster! At crunch time, some important decisions may have to be made where you and your wife absolutely cannot agree. That's the time when because of her calling as a wife, God says for her to give in. That's the bottom line. She doesn't have to give into sin. She doesn't have to give into breaking the Law of God. But outside of that she has to yield to her husband's will. That's how the family stays in a place of peace. And remember, if you are wrong and you blow it, forcing your wife to miss God's will, He will absolutely deal with you later for your sin, but He will reward your wife for staying low.

Everyone Submits In Pure and Peaceful Families

"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such 'wisdom' does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness."

Our Marriage to Jesus Is Coming

When you marry, you restore that oneness of body, soul, and spirit that existed when God blessed man with the woman still inside him. The two of you together become unified to fulfill His eternal plan, and your relationship to each other and to God is already established in heaven. There is a wholeness about you when you are called to be together, and you walk out that wholeness every day in sacrificial love.

When you are born again, you enter the espousal period for another marriage that brings an even greater level of wholeness to your life. This time you are preparing to marry Jesus. The Bible calls it the Marriage of the Lamb. This time the spotlight is not on the bride, as with all marriages now, but on the Groom, Jesus.

This is what the brothers call meddling, but I'm going to say it anyhow. Our present-day weddings should be changed to focus on the bridegroom, not the bride! That's one of the things that should distinguish a Christian marriage from the marriage of unbelievers, because the groom represents Jesus Christ in the coming Marriage Supper of the Lamb. Notice that it isn't called the "Marriage of the Bride."

God presented Adam with a wife who was created especially for him. Therefore it would be safe to say that his wedding was for the man. Adam had looked for a helper among the animals and could not find one. The entire setting and ceremony of God's provision of Adam's bride was arranged before the woman was created.

Women will have a hard time thinking of the wedding as an event designed to focus on the men and not on them! Can you imagine the bride letting the man handle all the details of the wedding, let alone the man wanting to do it? But that was the biblical model in the beginning and will be the same at the end.

In the beginning, Adam's marriage to Mrs. Adam (her name didn't become Eve until after the Fall) was arranged by God. Marriage has been the work of God from eternity to eternity. In the life to come, it is the Bride who makes herself ready, but it is the Lamb of God who has set everything in place for her to come. John heard the multitudes in Heaven saying, "'Let us be glad and rejoice and give Him glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and His wife has made herself ready.' And to her it was granted to be arrayed in fine linen, clean and bright, for the fine linen is the righteous acts of the saints."

His wife has made herself ready. Are you ready to be the bride of Christ?

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Excerpted from Your Wife Is Not Your Momma: How You Can Have Heaven in Your Home by Wellington Boone
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.