Bless Your Heart Tramp

by Rivenbark, Celia

• ISBN13: 9781928556220
• ISBN10: 1928556221
• Edition: 1st
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2000-11-01
• Publisher: Coastal Carolina Pr

Summary

What's the Southern woman's take on Wonderbras, fried turkeys and 'tater guns, Barbie and Ken (tip: she's a ho), politicians (tip: they're all hos) and marital success (if you can't agree on a perfect pizza ratio, y'all are doomed)? Bless Your Heart, Tramp tackles these and other lard-laden subjects, in a hilarious look at Southern -- and just plain human -- foibles, up-close and personal.

Step into the wacky world of "womanless wedding" fund-raisers, in which Bubbas wear boas. Meet two sisters who fight rural boredom by washing Budweiser cans and cutting them into pieces to make clothing. Learn why the word "snow" sends any right-thinking Southerner careening to the Food Lion for extra loaves of bread and little else. Bless Your Heart, Tramp is a collection of articles by award-winning humor columnist and slightly crazed belle-by-birth Celia Rivenbark, whose Southern-style humor columns have been syndicated by the New York Times News Service and Knight-Ridder-Tribune News Service. A news reporter and columnist for more than 20 years, Rivenbark has won nation

Table of Contents

Preface
PART ONE - AT HOME
A Mom Looks at Forty	3	(3)
Happy Meal Hostage	6	(3)
'50s Home Economics Advice	9	(3)
Home Depot Blues	12	(3)
Mama Celia's Marriage Tips	15	(3)
Lady Viagra	18	(3)
If He's So Sick, Why am I So Tired?	21	(3)
Revenge of the Amish Friendship Bread	24	(3)
Total Woman This	27	(3)
Lazy Men	30	(3)
A Caveman Weekend	33	(4)
Fighting Still Bad for Relationships	37	(3)
Fad Diets Great Til You Explode	40	(3)
The High School Reunion	43	(4)
Fleeing Floyd	47	(3)
Big Fake Breasts	50	(3)
When Did Redbook Get Trashy?	53	(3)
Working at Home - Sort of	56	(4)
Housepainting: ``If You Want It Done Right''	60	(4)
I Can Quit Anytime I Like	64	(5)
Cat Tooth-Brushing or Me-oww!	69	(3)
Box Queen	72	(3)
Time to Reclaim My Funny Skin?	75	(6)
PART TWO - THE SOUTH
Bless Your Heart, Tramp	81	(4)
Where Men are Men - And Sometimes Women	85	(3)
That's Mizzeriz to You, Kiddo	88	(4)
Southerners vs. Snow	92	(3)
Southern Measurements: A Dab or a Teense?	95	(3)
Liddy Dole Wouldn't Snort	98	(3)
Hurricane Forecasting for Fun and Hysteria	101	(3)
Lard is Good, Lard is Great	104	(4)
Tales of the Redneck Woman	108	(3)
The Grits Gonna Rise Again	111	(2)
This Beer Was Made for Wearin'	113	(3)
Bridal Moms From Hell	116	(3)
Obituary Madness	119	(3)
Dear Losers: A Christmas Letter From Myra Sue	122	(3)
Carlos and Ruby	125	(6)
PART THREE - AND EVERYWHERE ELSE
Fake Dog Testicles	131	(3)
Mozart Means Absolutely Nuthin'	134	(3)
How to Marry a Millionaire (Doofus)	137	(3)
ATM Silliness Revealed	140	(3)
Mars Lander Woes	143	(3)
Fools for Fashion	146	(3)
I've Scanned, Where's My Check?	149	(3)
Tofu Shrinks Your Brain	152	(3)
Designer Kitty Litter	155	(3)
Clams, Flying, Batman and Me	158	(3)
Card-Shopping for My Gay Friend's Dog	161	(3)
Congestion in the Cold Aisle	164	(3)
Fun With Realtors	167	(3)
Home-Shopping Blues	170	(3)
Drowning in the Jury Pool	173	(2)
Stupid Bumper Stickers	175	(2)
Wrestlemania	177	(3)
Who's Hinckley Gonna Visit?	180	(3)
A History Quiz for Our Young	183	(4)
Subarus and Lesbians	187	(3)
Commercial Appeal?	190	(3)
Barbie the Telemarketer	193	(3)
Negativity in the Workplace	196	(3)
Calling Mom From the Train Tracks	199	(4)
Al Gore: Too Sexy for Himself?	203	(3)
Fashion Takes a Holiday	206	(2)
Is That A Penis in the Petunias?	208