Dare to Forgive

by Hallowell, Edward M.

• ISBN13: 9780757300103
• ISBN10: 0757300103
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2004-03-01
• Publisher: Hci

Summary

In other words, forgiveness is not a sign of weakness but of strength. It's also healthy, brave, and contagious -- and it sets you free. In his typical lively and engaging style, bestselling author Dr. Edward Hallowell leads you through a series of definitions and situations to an understanding of the true nature of forgiveness. He shows how and why forgiveness is the basis of a happy and healthy life, and then gives you a practical four-step program to create more of it in your own life. Maybe you're letting the small insults of daily life pile up and cause you stress. Dr. Hallowell will show you how his own frustration over a Porsche stealing his parking spot on a busy street led him to do something reckless. Maybe you're hurt by the thoughtless actions of those you love. Dr. Hallowell shows how a lack of forgiveness has stunted a marriage and how it has torn a family apart -- even after all the family members have long forgotten what they disagreed about.

Author Biography

Edward (Ned) Hallowell, M.D., is a practicing psychiatrist. He is on the faculty of Harvard Medical School, and he is the director of The Hallowell-Ratey Center for Cognitive and Emotional Health. He lives with his wife Sue, a social worker, and their three young children in Arlington, Massachusetts

Table of Contents

A Note on the Cover	ix
Acknowledgments	xi
PART ONE: What Is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness Is a Gift You Give to Yourself	3	(10)
Forgiveness Detoxifies Hurt and Hatred	13	(12)
Forgiveness Sets You Free	25	(12)
Nine Types of Forgiveness	32	(5)
Forgiveness Improves Your Health	37	(14)
Forgiveness Is Brave	51	(20)
How Forgiving Are You? A Self-Assessment Quiz	63	(8)
PART TWO: How to Forgive
How to Forgive: A Practical Method	71	(30)
Everyday Forgiveness	101	(14)
Forgiving Yourself	115	(18)
How Not to Take It Personally	133	(8)
A Lover's Quarrel: Or, When They Know Not What They Do	141	(12)
Forgiving Your Ex	153	(10)
Forgiving Those Who Hurt Us . . . and Who Won't Apologize	163	(12)
What to Do When Forgiveness Just Won't Come	175	(10)
A Family Feud	185	(8)
Beware of What's Called Justice	193	(8)
Forgiving a Betrayer	201	(12)
The Fear of Loss of Control: The Hidden Obstacle to Forgiveness	213	(14)
The Greatest Challenge	227	(14)
Conclusion: Now That We Must, Can We? A Global Perspective	241	(10)
Appendix: Other Approaches to Forgiveness	251	(6)
Selected Bibliography	257

Excerpts

Part OneWhat Is Forgiveness?1 Forgiveness Is a Gift You Give to YourselfWhen a well-known sportswriter in Boston died not too long ago, something terrible happened, a terrible something that happens so often that nobody usually comments on how terrible it is. The terrible thing was that a man who had once been a close friend of the sportswriter stayed away from the funeral. The erstwhile friend was still bitter over a disagreement the two of them had had a couple of years before the sportswriter's death. An argument blew up and burned them both. Resentment took root, and like the weed that it is, it grew fast. Soon, what had been a trusting, fun-filled friendship was overrun by an impenetrable thicket of anger and self-justification. Two men who'd been good friends for years became enemies. As so often happens, one of them died before they could find a way to forgive each other and resume the friendship they both had so much enjoyed. It's hard to find the right word for that situation: sad, silly, tragic, foolish, understandable, spiteful, petty, human, absurd, a waste. In any case, it happens all the time. An action leads to anger, which leads to the end of trust and warmth. Close friends turn into cursed fools. Everybody loses. It is so stupid, so wasteful, so sad, so wrong.What would it have taken for the sportswriter and his friend to make up? That question gnawed at me enough to start me researching and writing this book. Soon I was going to bed and waking up wondering, What does it take for any of us to make up with those we can't forgive? What is it about forgiveness that is so difficult? Even when we know it is in our best interests to do it, we agonize over it.What does it take to forgive? The diplomatic skills of a secretary of state? A miracle from above? Or is forgiveness simply never to be when the deeds are really bad? Is forgiveness of grievous wrongs a naive idea that only superficial sentimentalists unschooled in the ways of the world still believe in? On the other hand, might forgiveness be worth a try? If so, why? How can a normal person do it? Recent research has given us important information about forgiveness. We now have reliable, empirical data, not just our subjective musings. Based on that data, I now know that what happened to the sportswriter and his friend has a practical remedy, as does what happens to the millions upon millions of the rest of us who become stuck in grudges, anger and resentment. Forgiveness is a remedy we rarely use. As a result, we suffer when we don't need to. That sportswriter and his friend could have made up. Like so many of us, they didn't. Instead they dug in, each convinced of the rightness of his position.We've all seen this happen. A spat becomes a grudge becomes a feud becomes a schism. Along with precious heirlooms, parents bequeath to their children resentments they inherited from their parents. Partnerships dissolve over a silly squabble, and great businesses crumble

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Excerpted from Dare to Forgive: The Power of Letting Go and Moving On by Edward M. Hallowell
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