Dare to Forgive

by Hallowell, Edward M.

• ISBN13: 9780757302930
• ISBN10: 0757302939
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2006-01-15
• Publisher: Hci

Summary

In a book that gets more timely by the day, bestselling author Ned Hallowell shows that forgiveness is strengthand also that its essential to living a healthy, happy life. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness but of strength. Its also healthy, brave, contagious and sets you free. In this book, Dr. Hallowell not only explains why forgiveness is one of the best things you can do to heal your body and mind; he also offers a practical, four-part plan for achieving it. True stories illustrate the power of forgiveness in real lives, from a wife who forgives the hurtful words of her husband to a mother who forgives the man who kidnapped and murdered her daughter.

Table of Contents

A Note on the Cover	ix
Acknowledgments	xi
PART ONE: What Is Forgiveness?
Chapter 1: Forgiveness Is a Gift You Give to Yourself	3	(10)
Chapter 2: Forgiveness Detoxifies Hurt and Hatred	13	(12)
Chapter 3: Forgiveness Sets You Free	25	(12)
Nine Types of Forgiveness	32	(5)
Chapter 4: Forgiveness Improves Your Health	37	(14)
Chapter 5: Forgiveness Is Brave	51	(20)
How Forgiving Are You? A Self-Assessment Quiz	63
PART TWO: How to Forgive
Chapter 6: How to Forgive: A Practical Method	71	(30)
Chapter 7: Everyday Forgiveness	101	(14)
Chapter 8: Forgiving Yourself	115	(18)
Chapter 9: How Not to Take It Personally	133	(8)
Chapter 10: A Lover's Quarrel: Or, When They Know Not What They Do	141	(12)
Chapter 11: Forgiving Your Ex	153	(10)
Chapter 12: Forgiving Those Who Hurt Us and Who Won't Apologize	163	(12)
Chapter 13: What to Do When Forgiveness Just Won't Come	175	(10)
Chapter 14: A Family Feud	185	(8)
Chapter 15: Beware of What's Called Justice	193	(8)
Chapter 16: Forgiving a Betrayer	201	(12)
Chapter 17: The Fear of Loss of Control: The Hidden Obstacle to Forgiveness	213	(14)
Chapter 18: The Greatest Challenge	227	(14)
Conclusion: Now That We Must, Can We? A Global Perspective	241	(10)
Appendix: Other Approaches to Forgiveness	251	(6)
Selected Bibliography	257

Excerpts

Part One What Is Forgiveness? Forgiveness Is a Gift You Give to Yourself When a well-known sportswriter in Boston died not too long ago, something terrible happened, a terrible something that happens so often that nobody usually comments on how terrible it is. The terrible thing was that a man who had once been a close friend of the sportswriter stayed away from the funeral. The erstwhile friend was still bitter over a disagreement the two of them had had a couple of years before the sportswriter's death. An argument blew up and burned them both. Resentment took root, and like the weed that it is, it grew fast. Soon, what had been a trusting, fun-filled friendship was overrun by an impenetrable thicket of anger and self-justification. Two men who'd been good friends for years became enemies. As so often happens, one of them died before they could find a way to forgive each other and resume the friendship they both had so much enjoyed. It's hard to find the right word for that situation: sad, silly, tragic, foolish, understandable, spiteful, petty, human, absurd, a waste. In any case, it happens all the time. An action leads to anger, which leads to the end of trust and warmth. Close friends turn into cursed fools. Everybody loses. It is so stupid, so wasteful, so sad, so wrong. What would it have taken for the sportswriter and his friend to make up? That question gnawed at me enough to start me researching and writing this book. Soon I was going to bed and waking up wondering, What does it take for any of us to make up with those we can't forgive? What is it about forgiveness that is so difficult? Even when we know it is in our best interests to do it, we agonize over it. What does it take to forgive? The diplomatic skills of a secretary of state? A miracle from above? Or is forgiveness simply never to be when the deeds are really bad? Is forgiveness of grievous wrongs a naive idea that only superficial sentimentalists unschooled in the ways of the world still believe in? On the other hand, might forgiveness be worth a try? If so, why? How can a normal person do it? Recent research has given us important information about forgiveness. We now have reliable, empirical data, not just our subjective musings. Based on that data, I now know that what happened to the sportswriter and his friend has a practical remedy, as does what happens to the millions upon millions of the rest of us who become stuck in grudges, anger and resentment. Forgiveness is a remedy we rarely use. As a result, we suffer when we don't need to. That sportswriter and his friend could have made up. Like so many of us, they didn't. Instead they dug in, each convinced of the rightness of his position. We've all seen this happen. A spat becomes a grudge becomes a feud becomes a schism. Along with precious heirlooms, parents bequeath to their children resentments they inherited from their parents. Partnerships dissolve over a silly squabble, and great bus

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Excerpted from Dare to Forgive: The Power of Letting Go and Moving On by Edward M. Hallowell
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