Dealing with People You Can't Stand : How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst

by Brinkman, Dr. Rick; Kirschner, Dr. Rick

• ISBN13: 9780071379441
• ISBN10: 0071379444
• Edition: 2nd
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2002-02-27
• Publisher: McGraw-Hill

Summary

The international bestseller--more than 500,000 copies sold!With their 1994 international bestseller,Dealing with People You Can't Stand,Drs. Rick Brinkman and Rick Kirschner armed a civility-starved world with no-nonsense strategies for dealing with difficult people with tact and skill. Since then, cell phones, the Internet, voice mail, and other technological wonders designed to bring people closer together have only made it that much harder to avoid "people you can't stand;" even worse, they've also created exciting new ways for annoying people to realize their talent for being pains in the butt.Updated and revised for the digital age, this new edition of Brinkman and Kirschner's bestselling guide shows readers how to successfully combat the whiners, grenades, tanks, snipers, close-talkers, pedants, and other rude, crude, and inconsiderate people who can ruin your day at work, in stores, on the street, in restaurants, at the movies, in waiting rooms, by fax, phone, and E-mail, and in cyberspace.

Author Biography

Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner are naturopathic physicians, professional speakers, and trainers, and the coauthors of the bestselling audio and video tapes How to Deal with Difficult People, which have sold more than 300,000 copies. Since 1980, they have shared their insights with audiences across the nation and around the world through their company, R&R Productions.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	xv
Introduction	xvii
Part 1. Getting to Know the People You Can't Stand
We reveal the 10 Most Unwanted and provide you with the Lens of Understanding and show you how The Road to Hell Is Paved with Good Interntions
The 10 Most Unwanted List	3	(10)
Ten specific behaviors that represent people at their worst!
The Tank
The Sniper
The Grenade
The Know-It-All
The Think-They-Know-It-All
The Yes Person
The Maybe Person
The Nothing Person
The No Person
The Whiner
The Lens of Understanding	13	(12)
A magnifying glass on behaviors reveals the motives behind them
What Determines Focus and Assertive?
Get the Task Done
Get the Task Right
Get Along with People
Get Appreciation from People
It's a Question of Balance
As Intent Changes, So Does Behavior
You Can Hear Where People Are Coming From
Shared Priorities, No Problem
What Happens When the Intent Isn't Fulfilled?
The Road to Hell Is Paved with Good Intentions	25	(10)
How thwarted intent produces behaviors that make people difficult to deal with
Threatened Intent to Get It Done
Threatened Intent to Get It Right
Threatened Intent to Get Along with Others
Threatened Intent to Get Appreciated by People
To Summarize
Part 2. Surviving through Skillful Communication: Prevent Conflicts and Resolve Problems Before They Get Out of Hand
From Conflict to Cooperation	35	(6)
United we stand, but divided we can't stand each other. Conflict occurs when the emphasis is on differences. Reducing differences can turn conflict into cooperation
Two Essential Skills: Blending and Redirecting
Blend Nonverbally with Body and Facial Expressions
Blend Vocally with Volume and Speed
Listen to Understand	41	(6)
When two or more people want to be heard, and no one listens, an argument is inevitable. Listen and understand first, and you unlock the doors to people's minds
People Want to Be Heard and Understood
Reach a Deeper Understanding	47	(6)
Sometimes the most important and useful elements of communication are hidden, not just from the listener, but from the speaker as well. Identify these to get a positive outcome
Identify Positive Intent
Identify Highly Valued Criteria
Speak to Be Understood	53	(6)
What you say to people can produce defensiveness or trust, increase resistance or cooperation, promote conflict or understanding. Learn these ounces of prevention!
Monitor Your Tone of Voice
State Your Positive Intent
Tactfully Interrupt Interruptions
Tell Your Truth
Stay Flexible
Get What You Project and Expect	59	(8)
People rise or fall to the level of your expectations and projections. Use these projection strategies to motivate your problem people to change themselves
Pygmalion Power
Assume the Best, Give the Benefit of the Doubt
Appreciate Criticism
Part 3. Bringing Out the Best in People at Their Worst: Specific Goals and Action Steps for Dealing with the 10 Most Unwanted
The Tank	67	(12)
Pushy and ruthless, loud and forceful, or with the quiet intensity and surgical precision of a laser, the Tank assumes that the end justifies the means. Expect no mercy
You Better Adjust Your Attitude
Your Goal: Command Respect
Action Plan
What If the Tank's Accusations Are True, and You Are in the Wrong?
Great Moments in Difficult People History
The Sniper	79	(12)
This covert operator identifies your weaknesses and uses them against you, through sabotage behind your back or well-aimed putdowns in front of the crowd
Unfriendly Fire
Friendly Fire
You Better Adjust Your Attitude
Your Goal: Bring the Sniper Out of Hiding
Action Plan
Special Situation: Friendly Fire
Special Situation: Thrid Party Sniping
Great Moments in Difficult People History
The Know-It-All	91	(10)
This person knows 98 percent of anything. Just ask! Know-It-Alls will tell you what they know---for hours at a time---but won't take a second to listen to your clearly inferior ideas
You Better Adjust Your Attitude
Your Goal: Open Their Minds to New Ideas
Action Plan
Great Moments in Difficult People History
The Think-They-Know-It-All	101	(10)
This character doesn't know much, but doesn't let that get in the way. Exaggerating, bragging, misleading, and distracting, these legends-in-their-own-minds pull you off track
You Better Adjust Your Attitude
Your Goal: Give Their Bad Ideas the Hook
Action Plan
Great Moments in Difficult People History
The Grenade	111	(10)
When they blow their tops, they're unable to stop, and shrapnel hits everyone in range. Then the smoke clears, the dust settles, and the cycle begins building to critical mass again
You Better Adjust Your Attitude
Your Goal: Take Control of the Situation
Action Plan
Great Moments in Difficult People History
The Yes Person	121	(14)
Quick to agree, slow to deliver, the Yes Person leaves a trail of unkept commitments and broken promises. Though they please no one, Yes People overcommit to please!
You Better Adjust Your Attitude
Your Goal: Get Commitments You Can Count On
Action Plan
Great Moments in Difficult People History
The Maybe Person	135	(10)
When faced with a crucial decision, they keep putting it off until it's too late. But there comes a point when the decision makes itself. Then it's nobody's default but their own
You Better Adjust Your Attitude
Your Goal: Help Them Learn to Think Decisively
Action Plan
Great Moments in Difficult People History
The Nothing Person	145	(12)
You won't know what's going on because they tell you nothing! No verbal feedback. No nonverbal feedback. They seal their mouths and stare past you as if you're not there
You Better Adjust Your Attitude
Your Goal: Persuade the Nothing Person to Talk
Action Plan
Great Moments in Difficult People History
The No Person	157	(10)
They say that, ``What goes up must come down.'' And what comes down must never be allowed to get back up again. Doleful and discouraging, they drive others to despair
You Better Adjust Your Attitude
Your Goal: Transition to Problem Solving
Action Plan
Great Moments in Difficult People History
The Whiner	167	(8)
There's a plan for their lives, but they're not in it. Instead, they wallow in their woe, whine incessantly, and carry the weight of the world on their shoulders
You Better Adjust Your Attitude
Your Goal: Form a Problem-Solving Alliance
Action Plan
Great Moments in Difficult People History
What If People Can't Stand You?	175	(16)
By now you may have recognized that you, too, have days when you are at your worst. So what can you do about it? Find the answer in this exchange of letters
What If You Are the Tank?
What If You Are the Sniper?
What If You Are the Know-It-All?
What If You Are the Think-They-Know-It-All?
What If You Are the Grenade?
What If You Are the Yes Person?
What If You Are the Maybe Person?
What If You Are the Nothing Person?
What If You Are the No Person?
What If You Are the Whiner?
Part 4. Communication in a Digital Age
We reveal the limitations and pitfalls of phone communication and e-mail and show you how to turn the pitfalls into advantages with a pound of prevention
Communication and the Challenge of Technology	191	(4)
When you take advantage of digital communication tools like the phone and e-mail, you lose access to valuable communication cues. But where something is lost, something is gained. We show you how to use these tools to your advantage
The ``Numbers of Meaning''
Something Lost, Something Gained
The Eight Ounces of Prevention in Phone Communication	195	(8)
You can't see them. Here we show you how to take advantage of the fact that they can't see you either!
Shape Perceptions
Use Your Body for Tone Control
Breathe for Your Life
Chart a Course
Know When to Hold 'Em, and When to Fold 'Em
Send Listening Signals!
Sound Prepared, Even When You're Not
You Can Close Your Eyes
The Eight Ounces of Prevention in E-Mail Communication	203	(12)
You can't see them or hear them! Here we describe how to avoid the pitfalls and access the possibilities
Use the Advantage of Time
Vent It but Don't Send It
Read It One More Time
Read It at Another Time
Get a Second Opinion
Begin with Intention, End with Direction
Quote Early, Quote Often
Make Better Sense with Emoticons
Use Jokes Carefully---Jokester Beware
Take the Time, Save Your Time
Afterword	215	(4)
How to take the big step of applying the little steps in this book
Appendix: How to Change Your Attitude	219
Need the courage to stand your ground when you want to run, or to step forward in the face of determined opposition? Get an attitude adjustment when you need one!
Changing Your Reactions
Changing Your Perspective
Changing the Way You Talk to Yourself