The Girl With the Golden... | Buy

Another hilarious Bond parody in the shape of THE GIRL WITH THE GOLDEN BOUFFANT. James Bond's out of commission and his sister Jane must step once more into his shoes, his smoking jacket, and his girlfriend's bedroom... When James Bond lands in hospital as the result of a nasty facial burn while lighting a bird's cigarette, his hair pomade explodes Jane Bond, his lesbian twin sister and occasional impersonator, once again dons suit and scars to masquerade as her infamous brother. Her destination: the annual spy convention in the glamorous Las Vegas of the Rat Pack era. Her assignment: to keep her brother's reputation intact through a carefully plotted program of gambling, boozing, and womanising. Along for the ride are British Secret Service Agent Cedric Pumpernickel, Jane's only ally in the male spy world, and glamorous girlfriend, and G.E.O.R.G.I.E. agent, Bridget St Claire, who finds herself the unwilling love interest of a scrawny lounge singer who, along with his pack of friends, begins a campaign to bed her.The relatively ordinary convention featuring the latest in jet pack transportation and stylish decoder rings becomes the scene for murder when someone tosses an Estonian secret agent off the observation deck of Hoover Dam. Days spent at the blackjack table and nights in the arms of her beautiful girlfriend come to an abrupt end as Jane uncovers a nefarious plot to eliminate all the best spies of the western world. Complicating the plot is a romance gone sour: an affair between Agent Pumpernickel and musical sensation Liberace has ended badly, and when Pumpernickel takes to his bed with a box of chocolates and a copy of Queen magazine, Jane must become England's topaction man and stop the killer before he stops her.

The Girl with the Golden Bouffant
An Original Jane Bond Parody

Chapter One

The request had come, as usual, in the form of a telegram slipped under her door. AUNT HARRIET AILING. REQUIRE YOUR IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE. TAKE THREE O'CLOCK TRAIN TOMORROW. UNCLE FRANK. "Aunt Harriet" was her brother, James Bond. "Uncle Frank" was N., head of the notorious double-0 department of Her Majesty's Secret Service."Immediate assistance" meant that Jane Bond would soon be packing her spy kit for another appearance as her brother, 007. Whether she was at the opening of a new branch office or the retirement luncheon of a beloved Secret Service secretary, she had only simple tasks that required little more than donning a special suit and spending a few hours smiling, smirking, and sneering. She had wrenched her neck once attemptingall three at the same time, while trying to inject some humorinto the typically dull assignments. Still, it was better than being on the dole. Since her work for the Secret Service was strictly top-hush, kept from agents and bureaucrats alike, N. paid her in cash and put her on his expense account under the heading of "Necessary Evil."

In the past year, since agreeing to the charade, Jane had averagedone assignment a month and was still making three times what she hadearned at her last job as a bookshop clerk. Thirty-two years old and shewas back in her brother's shadow, working for a man she detested, foran organization whose policies she abhorred, all for that envelope ofcrisp pound notes shoved under her door every Monday morning thatallowed her to live as she pleased. Her James Bond kit contained a suit,a martini glass, stick-on scars, and The Bachelor's Guide to 101 PickupLines, but no Walther PPK, Bondmobile, or state-of-the-art spy gadgets.She knew that her appearances were meant to undercut rumors ofher brother's decline; she was window dressing, her brother's stand-inwhen he drank himself into a coma or broke both legs while mixing martinison skis. She had been content with her lightweight role, and thenG.E.O.R.G.I.E. Agent Bridget St. Claire came along and offered, amongother things, to make her a real secret agent. And the double-agent aspectappealed to Jane's twin nature. After six weeks of G.E.O.R.G.I.E.spy school, spent learning to mix incendiary devices from biscuit powder and invisible ink from commonly available citrus fruits, becoming a topnotchshot and a fair cryptographer, she was eager for her first real assignment.She had waited long enough.

But not for this. When N. announced she would be attending the SpyConvention in Las Vegas as her brother, in hospital recovering from anasty burn, her first reaction was to decline the job. It was too risky; hertrue identity would surely be revealed the minute she walked into aroom filled with her brother's colleagues. "I'll be with you all the way,"said Agent Pumpernickel from underneath N.'s desk, where he wassearching for a boiled sweet he had dropped. Cedric was technically retiredafter twenty-five years' service, and when he wasn't parading Janearound town, he was in front of the telly in his dressing gown and slippers,eating Violet Crumbles and wondering why love had passed himby. "And I could stand a holiday," he said, holding up a sourball coveredin gold carpet fuzz. Jane had left N.'s office unconvinced.

The next day Miss Tuppenny contacted Jane and made it clear thather days as a simple stand-in were over; she was as skilled, if not aspracticed, as any G.E.O.R.G.I.E. agent, and it was time to get her outinto the field. No beginner was sent on a mission alone, however, and especiallynot that far from headquarters; Jane's backup, Agents BridgetSt. Claire and Bibi Gallini, would fly to Las Vegas with her (but not withher) and maintain undercover status while remaining available shouldthe mission prove more difficult than expected. Jane was to behave as ifshe were on her own, calling on Bridget and Bibi only in a pinch. MissTuppenny had also ordered that if Agent Pumpernickel, who had almostno field experience, having spent the majority of his career behind adesk ordering office supplies, should happen upon the invention first -- an unlikely scenario -- Jane should let him have it. There was no senseputting her job with the Secret Service in jeopardy when Miss Tuppennycould arrange for the invention to "disappear" from the weaponscloset. This way nothing could possibly go wrong. It was, Miss Tuppennywas convinced, a perfect way for Jane to stretch her double-agent wings.

When Jane heard this, her reservations about the mission were replacedwith a determination to prove herself by securing the inventionfor G.E.O.R.G.I.E. without involving Bridget and Bibi. She would notring them on her spy phone -- a plain, black men's wallet that became a telephone with the addition of a ballpoint-pen antenna and receiverhidden in a Kennedy half-dollar -- until she had the invention in herhands.

So, on the fifteenth day of September, Agents Jane Bond (as James)and Cedric Pumpernickel boarded a British Airways 707. Their cover:two British gentlemen, members in good standing of the InternationalAssociation of Accident-Prone People, heading for their organization'sconvention in Las Vegas. Their mission: to approach the unidentified creatorof a top-secret invention and secure exclusive rights for Britain. Afterthey'd settled themselves in their seats, Jane turned and looked sevenrows back at her lover, G.E.O.R.G.I.E. Agent Bridget St. Claire, disguisedas a bored Italian contessa, and winked. Bridget smiled and thenquickly ducked behind her Italian Vogue when Cedric turned around toask the child behind him to please refrain from kicking his seat.

At Bridget's side was her partner, Agent Bibi Gallini, disguised as thebored Italian contessa's pouty French maid. Bibi was a compulsive womanizer ...

and a practiced thief ...The Girl with the Golden Bouffant
An Original Jane Bond Parody. Copyright © by Mabel Maney. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

Excerpted from The Girl with the Golden Bouffant: An Original Jane Bond Parody by Mabel Maney
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