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Chapter One
How to Eat Like a Hot Chick at Breakfast
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and they ain't lying. It totally sets the tone for what the rest of your day will be like. If you eat something healthy, you'll feel totally hot, and you'll want to continue putting good, nutritious food into your body all day long. But if you start on the wrong note, it's basically all downhill from there. It's easy to say, "Ah, screw it. Now this day's shot. I'll just pig out for the next twelve hours and start over tomorrow."
Be aware that we girls become especially tempted to eat something really fucked up for breakfast after a night of drinking. Alcohol lowers our blood sugar and dehydrates us, and we wake up the next morning starving and desperate for chocolate. At least we do. You might crave pizza or some other cheesy nonsense, but that's really no better.
Yes, we firmly believe that there are some circumstances when it's okay to eat something retarded in the morning, but we'll get to those special occasions later. On a regular, average Tuesday, it is much hotter to eat something healthy. You don't want to go too far to this extreme either, though, and eat a miniscule, unsatisfying breakfast. No Grape Nuts. No tiny cup of yogurt. This will only lead to a major pig-out the minute the office pastry tray comes out or when you pass your first vending machine of the day, and that is exactly what we're trying to avoid.
There is a happy medium, ladies, and we'll help you find it with these Hot Chick's tips to starting your day the best way you possibly can.
Oatmeal
One of the breakfasts we've had the most success with is good, old-fashioned oatmeal. Wait; before you make that face, hold on. We know that plain oatmeal can be boring. You've gotta jazz it up a little, and we've found some good ways to do it. First, always add the little dash of salt they recommend. We also like to add cinnamon and a little bit of sugar if we're in the mood for a sweet breakfast.
If we feel like being even more virtuous, we add some chopped nuts and ground flaxseeds instead. If this sounds gross, give it a chance before you make that face again, damn it! It may take a few times to get comfortable with it (kind of like a bikini wax), but we think it's just as addictive.
We promise this stuff tastes good, but if you don't like it, that's fine. Be creative and work it out yourself. You can put fruit in your oatmeal, or anything else that sounds good to you. We have a friend that used to eat oatmeal with hummus in it. Ew, that sounds totally gross and weird to us, but who are we to judge? If it sounds good to you, go for it.
The only kinds of oatmeal that we're totally going to forbid are those gross little packets of pre-flavored junk. Pay attention: it takes exactly the same amount of time to pour oatmeal into your bowl from the box as it does to open one of those stupid packets. And those packages are filled with sugar, artificial flavors, colors, preservatives, and all that bad stuff.
Plus, one of those tiny containers has the same amount of calories as a giant bowl of plain oatmeal, is far less filling, and is full of disgusting little dehydrated, shrunken peach chunks. Does that sound hot to you? And don't you dare fall for those new packages of "women's oatmeal." That is total bullshit and insulting to your hot little mind. There is nothing in our womanly bodies that makes us need extra artificial flavorings. Please top off your oatmeal yourselves, ladies, and you'll be much better off.
Eggs
For many years we refused to eat eggs. The whole idea of ingesting dead baby chicken fetuses just totally grossed us out. But after a while we realized that we were missing out on a ton of protein (and the great majority of breakfast options) by shunning the incredible edible egg. And we soon found that as long as you don't think about exactly what it is you're eating, they're actually pretty damn good. (Isn't that true of most foods?)
If cholesterol is a big concern for you, then you should probably skip the eggs entirely, but if you're not worried about it, eggs are actually pretty cool. They have less than 100 calories each, around 7 grams of butt-muscle-building protein, and they supposedly make your brain sharper. Well, we sure think that smart girls are hot, so don't let some other bitch beat you on an IQ test just because she ate a better breakfast than you!
There are of course many ways to cook eggs. They're about as versatile as your favorite pair of magic jeans. You can dress them up or dress them down, and they'll pretty much always make you happy. However, there are also many, many ways to fuck them up, so we came up with some examples of how to accessorize them to make them hot, but keep you from ruining your morning by overloading your breakfast and giving yourself a giant case of OWL Syndrome.
Egg Example #1—Have It Hard
Yep. Just keep it simple and try a good old-fashioned hard-boiled egg—like the kind the Easter bunny hides (but throw yours out if they start to get any weird colors on them like his do). If you don't know how to hard boil an egg, we feel sorry for you, but since we're really nice, we'll talk you through it.
Fill a small pot with water. Put four to six eggs in the pot and make sure the water covers them. (Note: Be sure to place the eggs gently into the pot: don't drop them like it's hot. The idea is not to have scrambled eggs sitting in a bucket of water.) Then turn on the heat until the water boils, turn off the heat, cover the pot and let them bathe in the hot water for about ten to fifteen minutes. Put the eggs immediately into the fridge to let them cool, and the next morning you will have perfect little individually wrapped breakfasts! How hot is that? These are good if you're running late to work but need something in your stomach before your long-ass morning commute. Just peel, shake on some salt and pepper, and enjoy!
How to Eat Like a Hot Chick. Copyright © by Jodi Lipper. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
Excerpted from How to Eat Like a Hot Chick: Eat What You Love, Love How You Feel by Jodi Lipper, Cerina Vincent
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
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