How to Get Your Husband to Talk to You

by GRIGSBY, CONNIECOBB, NANCY

• ISBN13: 9781576737712
• ISBN10: 1576737713
• Format: Trade Paper
• Copyright: 2001-04-01
• Publisher: Multnomah Books

Summary

"What's a topic that all women can relate to?" asked authors Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby as they brainstormed the dynamic sequel to Is There a Moose in Your Marriage? Now the two women's ministries leaders have collaborated on a primer that promises to resolve the age-old mystery of communication between the sexes -- and leave men and women conversing happily. Cobb and Grigsby present a five-step "training program" for women who choose to love their husbands more effectively, but need practical help learning the best approach. Chapters on loving, learning, listening, loyalty, and laughter guide a wife up five "levels" of mastering essential skills to promote unity, trust, and friendship with the man whose company she most enjoys and desires.A man comes home and says to his wife, "I had a horrible day at work today." "Tell me about it," she says. "I just did," he replies. Men and women communicate differently-and, all-too-often, not at all! This book is a sort of "linguistics" school that will teach you to speak your husbandrs"s language:male! Discover simple ways to: Cultivate a sense of humor about your male and female differences. Open conversations with your mate, and keep them going. Frame what you are saying within masculine interest areas. Respond proactively to what your husband shares-promoting more sharing! Develop thicker skin. (This alone is worth the price of the book. This will be your husbandrs"s favorite thing yours"ve ever donehellip;well,almost!)

Author Biography

Connie Grigsby

Connie Grigsby enjoys using humor and practicality to share with others the love and joy that can only be found in Christ. She received a bachelor of science degree from the University of Oklahoma and has worn a variety of hats, including teacher, speaker, columnist, and radio guest. She and her husband, Wesley, have three daughters. They also make their home in Omaha.

Nancy Cobb

Nancy Cobb is a popular speaker at women's retreats. She led a Bible study of over 500 women for four years in Raleigh, North Carolina, and has previously worked on the team of Anne Graham Lotz, daughter of Billy Graham, in teaching seminars to women at the Billy Graham Training Center. She is the Leader of Women's Ministries at Christ Community Church, a congregation of over 5,000, and spends much of her time mentoring younger women. She and her husband, Ray, have four grown children and live in Omaha, Nebraska.

Table of Contents

Foreword	11	(1)
Acknowledgments	12	(1)
Introduction	13	(6)
part one: About Him
Why Can't He Be More Like Me?
Men Express Love by Doing	19	(3)
Men Don't Worry, Fret, or Fuss	22	(2)
His Personality Is Different from Yours	24	(4)
Men Love Solutions	28	(3)
You Speak Diverse Love Languages	31	(4)
Men Don't Listen the Way Women Do	35	(4)
He Needs Processing Time	39	(3)
What's Obvious to You Isn't Obvious to Him	42	(3)
Men Stick to Single Tasks	45	(2)
He Isn't Like You Spiritually or Emotionally	47	(2)
Men Don't Use Details the Way Women Do	49	(3)
Men Go through Seasons	52	(2)
You Married a Warrior	54	(2)
Nothin' Says Lovin' Like Somethin' from the Oven	56	(5)
part Two: More about Him
Different Strokes for Different Folks
Spell R-e-s-p-e-c-t His Way	61	(3)
Accept Him	64	(3)
Embrace the Power of Appreciation	67	(3)
Begin to Say ``Thank You''	70	(3)
Men Love to Be Admired	73	(3)
Smile!	76	(2)
Put the Wind Back in His Sails	78	(3)
Your Husband Needs to Be Needed	81	(2)
Silence the Marriage Silencer	83	(2)
Choose to Forgive	85	(3)
Keep the Past in the Past	88	(2)
Be Loyal	90	(3)
Become His Cheerleader	93	(6)
part Three: About you
I Didn't Know That!
Tend the Garden	99	(4)
Come-Ons---Eighteen Tips Your Husband Will Love	103	(2)
Refresh Your Lovemaking	105	(3)
Housekeeping	108	(2)
Get a Grip on Your Hormones	110	(5)
Your Unhappiness Affects Your Mate	115	(2)
What Do I Do with These Feelings?	117	(3)
Recognize Familial Patter	120	(3)
Don't Play the Semantics Game	123	(2)
Control the Urge to Control	125	(2)
Stop Mothering Him	127	(2)
Get Your Priorities Right	129	(5)
Quit Feeding the Monkeys	134	(2)
Introduce Mystique	136	(5)
part Four: About the Two of you
Lighting the Coals of Communication
Learn the ABC's of Listening	141	(4)
Avoid Listening Pitfalls	145	(2)
Develop Great Responses	147	(2)
Listen to His Silence	149	(3)
Lighten His Load	152	(2)
Use Mars Protocol	154	(4)
Don't Expect Him to Read Your Mind	158	(3)
How to Ask for Help	161	(3)
``If I Have to Ask, It Doesn't Count''	164	(3)
If at First You Don't Succeed	167	(2)
Frame Your Words	169	(3)
Paint Your Words	172	(2)
``Am I Still Your Darling?''	174	(2)
Announcements Don't Work	176	(3)
Don't Go On and On	179	(3)
Develop Thicker Skin	182	(4)
Stop Punishing His Honesty	186	(5)
part Five: About the Relationship
Keeping the Fire Going
Let Go of His Half	191	(4)
Depart and Reunite	195	(3)
Conduct a Hugging Class	198	(2)
Take Out the Garbage	200	(3)
Discern His Pet Peeves	203	(2)
Avoid Arguments and Assumptions	205	(4)
Discover His Passions	209	(4)
Abolish the Cold Treatment	213	(2)
Quit Keeping Score	215	(2)
Don't Go There!	217	(4)
The Skinny on Nagging	221	(2)
Don't Embarrass Your Husband	223	(2)
When Your Warrior Is Tired	225	(2)
Learn to Navigate Stormy Waters	227	(5)
Making It to the Other Side	232	(3)
Don't Make Him a ``Project''	235	(3)
Don't Expect Him to Meet All Your Needs	238	(3)
Laugh!	241	(5)
Humility? Are You Kidding?	246	(3)
Consider Becoming a Servant	249	(3)
Epilogue	252	(5)
Notes	257	(6)
Study Questions	263

Excerpts

MEN EXPRESS LOVE BY DOING

One of the fundamental differences between men and women is the way they express love. Men are goal-oriented and express love by doing, while women are relationship-oriented and express love by being.

A woman may say "I love you" by touching, stroking, caressing, and talking.

A man, on the other hand, shows love by doing such things as going to work and earning a living.

When a woman thinks about love, she thinks about starlit nights and romantic interludes. When a man thinks about love, he thinks about bringing home enough money to buy spaghetti sauce to put on the table.

A woman wants to be swept off her feet, while a man may think sweeping the front porch does just that.

Women feel. Men do.

We were hung up on these differences for years. "Why can't you show me you love me? I need to feel loved," we'd say.

And our husbands would respond, "What in the world does that mean? What can I do to make you feel loved?"

Notice that our husbands asked what they could do to make us feel loved? They had no idea what we meant because doing is a man's native tongue while feeling is a woman's.

Countless articles and books have been written describing these fundamental differences, yet it wasn't until we actually began to take this difference into consideration that we began to notice the ways in which our husbands express love.

Before learning this, when I (Connie) would say to my husband, "I need you to make me feel loved," my husband would respond, "I don't know how to do that if I haven't done it already. They didn't teach that in school, and if they did I was absent that day."

"It is not a hard thing to do," I would retort. And it's not-to a woman. But to a man it is like trying to read a map with no legend.

At some point my weary husband would say, "Besides making you feel cherished, what else can I do?"

What else? What else was there? Nothing-at least as far as I was concerned. I know now that what he was doing all those years was trying to give me exactly what I wanted. He was just doing it in a man's language. Imagine that!

Acknowledge the fact that you and your husband show love in entirely different ways, and appreciate your differences. Begin to look for the ways he shows love that are unique to him. One of the clues is that they will often be action based rather than feeling based.

For example, I (Connie) have learned that Wes shows love by supporting me in whatever I'm involved with, working hard to provide for me and our children, forgiving quickly, and not pressuring me to do things I don't enjoy. For instance, I don't enjoy cooking, and he doesn't make me feel bad that I don't. He's happy to eat whatever I prepare. It's usually very simple, but he always thanks me for preparing it.

My (Nancy) husband, Ray's, love language is seldom verbal. He's not a big hand-holder, either. However, he excels in demonstrating his love by doing things for me. If he has a day off and I'm working, he often cleans the house and has dinner ready when I get home. He calls me every day at work to see if I need anything from the store. As I first wrote these words, I heard him pull into the driveway after getting his car washed. I was ready to greet him, only to watch him pull out of the driveway in my car to have it washed. Knowing that I have a deadline to meet, he told me if I needed any errands run or household tasks completed, he was ready, willing, and able. I've learned that I don't need words when everything he does lets me know he loves me.

When you begin to accept your husband's efforts, you are granting him the uncommon luxury of being himself. What would happen if women stopped expecting men to be more like them? We think one of the first things that would happen is that husbands would feel freer to talk.

Chapter Two

MEN DON'T WORRY, FRET, OR FUSS

Men don't show their love by worrying, fretting, or fussing over someone like women do. They are too busy mowing the lawn, changing the oil, or caulking the air draft around the window. In fact, this is their way of fussing.

They don't wring their hands and wonder if you are okay if it is raining outside when you are driving home. There's nothing they can do about the rain, so what good is it to worry? Women, on the other hand, are expert worriers and worry until either the rain stops or their loved ones arrive home safely. Their worrying seems to be attached to the way they love, even though the worrying serves no purpose and adds nothing to life.

A few years ago, a good friend of ours took her children to visit her parents. On the return trip they encountered an unexpected snowstorm. Traveling was perilous, and she debated whether to stop or go on. She decided to continue. Mile by mile she made her way home. She was exhausted when she pulled into her driveway, and every muscle in her body ached with tension.

She went running into the house to assure her husband that she and the kids were safe. She found him in their bedroom, watching television.

"Honey, we're home, and we're safe!" she exclaimed.

"I'm glad," he responded, giving her a hug and then hugging the kids.

She waited on him to "fuss" over her a bit. He didn't. He asked about the trip and whether they had had fun at her parents'. This baffled her. Surely in just a minute he would tell her how worried he had been and how brave she was. This, however, was not forthcoming.

Finally, she asked, "Were you worried?"

"No," he replied. "You have such common sense-I knew that if the roads were bad you'd pull over, and if they weren't, you'd make it just fine. I trust your judgment completely."

Somehow his response seemed so anticlimactic! She suddenly wished her sense wasn't quite so common. She was disappointed and hurt that he hadn't been glancing out of the window every few minutes to see if they were safely home. She knew not to ask if he'd been pacing or if he'd called the highway patrol to check out road conditions. Worry? What worry?

It didn't mean he loved her less because he didn't worry-it just meant he showed his love differently than she would have given the same circumstances.

Excerpted from How to get your husband to TALK to you by Nancy Cobb Connie Grigsby Copyright © 2001 by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby
Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.