Intimacy & Desire

by Schnarch, David

• ISBN13: 9780825305672
• ISBN10: 0825305675
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2011-05-01
• Publisher: Beaufort Books

Summary

Many couples begin marital counseling with Dr. David Schnarch with their sex lives in shambles, wondering what's wrong with them, considering divorce. One partner will complain that the other doesn't desire him, the other complains that she's married to a sex maniac. During his 30 years in practice as a marriage and family therapist, Dr. Schnarch has discovered that sexual desire problems are normal and even healthy, in committed relationships. In Intimacy and Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship, Dr. Schnarch explains why couples in long term relationships have sexual desire problems, regardless of how much they love each other or how well they communicate. Through case studies of couples he worked with, Dr. Schnarch shows why normal marital conflict can be the cause of desire problems and creates a roadmap for how couples can transform marital conflict into a stronger relationship and a font of new and powerful desire for each other. He takes it a step further, giving readers simple but effective exercises that will help them reconnect with each other.

Author Biography

David Schnarch is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of numerous books and articles on intimacy, sexuality, and relationships. He is the Director of the Crucible Institute. His work attracts clients and students from across the globe.

Table of Contents

Introduction	p. xv
Why Normal People have Sexual Desire Problems	p. 1
There is Always a Low Desire Partner and the Low Desire Partner Always Controls Sex	p. 3
Sex Is Not a ôNatural Functionö	p. 4
There Is Always a ôLow Desire Partnerö and a ôHigh Desire Partnerö	p. 9
The Low Desire Partner Always Controls Sex	p. 11
How the Low Desire Partner Controls Sex	p. 16
Where We're Headed	p. 19
Since Your ôSelfö Showed Up, Sexual Desire Hasn't Been the Same	p. 21
Three Drives of Sexual Desire and Love	p. 23
A Fourth Sexual Drive: Developing and Maintaining a Self	p. 25
Biology, Environment, Culture, and Mind in the Evolution of Desire and Love	p. 30
Co-Evolution: Mind, Brain, Body, and Relationship Are One Whole	p. 32
The Crucible® Approach to Co-Evolution Through Love Relationships	p. 34
The Low Desire Partner Usually Controls the High Desire Partner's Adequacy	p. 40
It Starts at the Beginning: Being Normal	p. 42
Borrowed Functioning	p. 44
Developing a Solid Flexible Self	p. 46
Mapping Your Partner's Mind	p. 50
People Who Can't Control Themselves Control the People Around Them	p. 58
The Answer to the Age-Old Question: Does Marriage Kill Sex?	p. 63
How We Co-Evolve Through Sexual desire Problems	p. 67
Holding On to Your Self	p. 69
The Four Points of Balance™	p. 72
Emotional Gridlock	p. 80
Differentiation	p. 85
Four Points of Balance: Balancing Attachment and Autonomy	p. 89
The Cure for Emotional Gridlock	p. 94
Intimacy Shapes Your Sexual Desire	p. 101
Other-Validated Intimacy and Self-Validated Intimacy	p. 104
Intimacy Is a System, Just Like Sexual Desire	p. 110
Dependence on Other-Validated Intimacy Creates Emotional Gridlock	p. 113
Gridlock over Intimacy Creates Low Desire	p. 115
Shifting to Self-Confrontation and Self-Validated Intimacy	p. 118
Creating Intersubjective Experiences	p. 123
Adult Intimacy Harnesses the Best in You	p. 128
Changing Monogamy from Martyrdom to Freedom	p. 131
Monogamy, Adultery, and Human Nature	p. 133
Monogamy Is Not a Promise, It's a System!	p. 139
Monogamy Creates Low Desire in Poorly Differentiated Couples	p. 144
Things Reach Critical Mass	p. 148
Going Through the Crucible	p. 149
Stronger Four Points of Balance Makes Monogamy Operate Differently	p. 151
Desire Fades When You Stop Growing	p. 157
Sexual Boredom Is Normal	p. 161
When Your Partner Becomes Too Important to You, Desire Problems Surface	p. 166
Anxiety-Regulation Through Accommodation	p. 171
(Lack of) Desire, Intimacy, Freedom, and Sexual Novelty Prompt You to Grow	p. 173
Sexual Desire Problems: How Your Personal Life Fits in	p. 179
Wanting, Not Wanting to Want, and Two-Choice Dilemmas	p. 181
Desire: A Capacity You Can Develop	p. 182
Choosing Your Partner	p. 186
Consciously Chosen, Freely Undertaken Desire	p. 192
Desire Problems Involve Two-Choice Dilemmas	p. 197
Do You Treat Your Partner Like a Friend?	p. 199
Hold On to Your Self: Self-Confrontation and Self-Soothing	p. 202
Normal Marital Sadism, the Devil's Pact, and Other Dark Stuff	p. 208
Normal Marital Sadism	p. 211
The Problem Isn't Your Lack of Relationship, It's the Relationship You Have	p. 215
The Devil's Pact: Initiation Deals	p. 221
The Crucible of Marriage	p. 228
What Does It Take to Really Change Things? Safely, Growth, and Critical Mass	p. 232
Safety and Security in Marriage	p. 237
Balancing Comfort, Safety, and Growth	p. 241
Critical Mass: The Point of Fundamental Change	p. 247
Marriage's Grand Design	p. 251
Using Your Body, Rewiring Your Brain, and Co-Evolving in Bed	p. 261
A Collaborative Alliance Is More Important Than Perfect Technique	p. 263
Collaborative Alliances	p. 267
Some Families Never Have Collaborative Alliances	p. 271
Maintain a Resilient Collaborative Alliance	p. 275
Methods for Building a Physical Collaborative Alliance	p. 277
Put Your Collaborative Alliance to Good Use	p. 290
Curing Ticklishness and Noxious Touch	p. 292
What Is Ticklishness?	p. 293
Curing Ticklishness	p. 295
Other Ways of Understanding Ticklishness	p. 299
Collaborative Alliance: The Key to Resolving Ticklishness in the Moment	p. 303
Resolving Ticklishness for the Long Term	p. 309
Impacts of Ticklishness on Sexual Desire	p. 313
Doing the Seemingly Impossible	p. 316
Tender Loving Sex	p. 319
New Application of Familiar Tools	p. 322
Desire, Sex, Brain, and Self	p. 327
Benefits of Tender Loving Sex	p. 333
Exploring Your Sexual Potential	p. 335
Blow Your Mind!	p. 344
People Don't Fuck with Their Support System	p. 351
Oral Sex: Fabulous for Changing Your Brain with Your Body and Mind	p. 355
Receiving Can Be a Special Form of Giving	p. 362
How to Use Your Mind and Body When Giving or Receiving Head	p. 368
Ignite Desire in Your Bedroom	p. 372
Referral Information	p. 376
Overcoming Discomfort with Oral Sex	p. 380
References	p. 384
End Notes	p. 397
Index	p. 419
Table of Contents provided by Ingram. All Rights Reserved.