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Mr. Right and Mr. Wrong
Introduction
By the time I started graduate school in the sixties, I had a vivid image of the man I was looking for. He was tall and thin, with dark, curly hair and intense brown eyes. He rode a racing bike to classes at Columbia University, where he majored in psychology or English literature, and he worked, in his spare time, for nuclear disarmament. He played guitar and flute, and wrote poetry, which he read aloud to me at night. Both in and out of bed he moved with perfect ease and grace. He was passionate and restrained, funny and serious, intellectual and unpretentious. He knew how to fix things that broke and how to tie good knots on packages. We would live together for two years in a loft in Greenwich Village after which time we would marry. Shortly thereafter he would publish his first book, which he would dedicate to me, his wife.
Though some may not have quite such a detailed picture of their ideal partner, we all know pretty much what we're looking for. Just ask us—or check the personal ads in the local paper. While individual taste varies, we want a partner who is mature and intelligent, loyal and trustworthy, loving and attentive, sensitive and open, kind and nurturant, competent and responsible. I've yet to meet a woman who says, "Well, to be honest, I'm hoping to find an irresponsible, distant, ill-tempered sort of guy who sulks a lot and won't pick up after himself."
But the kind of person we say we want, and who we're actually drawn to or settle for, are different matters entirely. Few of us evaluate a prospective partner with the same objectivity and clarity that we might use to select a household appliance or a car. Too many unconscious factors get in the way. One of the most powerful influences on our choice of a mate is our experience in our first family—including the quality of our parents' relationships to each other, to us, and to their own family of origin. We are also deeply affected by gender roles—the specific meanings attached to being male or female that have evolved over many generations in our particular family, class, and ethnic group.
Timing is an issue as well. We're prone to fall mindlessly in love at difficult emotional junctures—on the heels of an important loss, for example—when we're least likely to think clearly. Or we may compromise too much in a relationship or dissipate our energy trying to change him, having been taught that any man is better than no man at all. Moreover, it's almost impossible to imagine what intimate relationships with men—or women—would look like in a different world of true gender equality.
Historically speaking, women have learned to sacrifice the "I" for the "we" just as men have been encouraged to do the opposite, to bolster the "I" at the expense of nurturing the growth of other family members. Many women still end up in relationships where their wants, beliefs, priorities, and ambitions are compromised under relationship pressures. Of course, all relationships require flexibility and give-and-take; we don't always get what we want. But a problem arises when we do more than our 50 percent of giving in and going along.
Believing that relationships with men are supposed to be the source of their greatest joy and fulfillment, many women struggle terribly when these relationships all too frequently become a source of pain and disappointment. Women still tell me that they love too much, or not enough, or in the wrong way, or with a poorly chosen partner. The majority of letters I receive are from women seeking intimacy in unhappy relationships with men.
But intimacy won't happen if we relentlessly pressure the other person to join us in pursuing it. Nor can we make ourselves happy and secure by trying to shape him into Mr. Right. The best way to work on an intimate relationship is to work on the self. We can learn to think (rather than react) at intense times, to observe our own part in relationship patterns that keep us stuck, and to generate new options for our own behavior when the old ones aren't working.
All relationships are laboratories in which we can solve problems, engage in bold and courageous acts of change, and work toward defining ourselves. Even small steps in this direction will allow us to know ourselves and our partners better, a worthwhile venture whether we stay together over the long haul or move on.
My Boyfriend Won't Talk About Problems
Dear Harriet:
When I'm afraid or upset, I need to talk about it and analyze the problem. My boyfriend of six months, Ty, is just the opposite, though. When he's upset he doesn't dwell on it. He goes to the movies, reads a book, or goes bowling. I think Ty avoids his feelings. Ty thinks I make things worse by analyzing everything to death. I know this is a common difference between men and women. But aren't I right?
Dear Reader:
There is no "right way" to manage our feelings. When stress hits, some people seek togetherness while others seek distance; some people disclose while others are more private; some value therapy while others are do-it-yourselfers; some seek meaning while others seek relief.
People have different styles of dealing with their emotions, and differences don't mean that one person is right and the other is wrong. Think carefully about how you handle stress. Do you know when analyzing your problems is helpful and when it's not? When dwelling on your problems gets you nowhere, can you distract yourself and go bowling?
Ty may also want to think about his style of managing stress. Does distracting himself always work? What are the costs? Can he be emotionally present and simply listen when you need to talk with him, even if talking isn't "his way"?
Of course, every style of managing stress, no matter how useful, has a potential down side. Reflection can turn into rumination—a focus on the negative that draws us deeper into it. Distracting ourselves from pain can turn into an entrenched pattern of avoidance, denial, and emotional detachment. Each of us is the best judge of when our response to pain diminishes or adds to it.
We fare best when we are honest observers of ourselves, and when we use our creativity and flexibility to generate new solutions to old problems. If what we are doing isn't working, it won't help to do more of the same—be it bowling or introspecting. Nor is it good to have only one way to respond to pain. If all we can do is focus on our problems—or all we can do is distract ourselves from them—then we're likely to get stuck.
In time, you may come to appreciate the differences between you and Ty; each of you might even benefit from becoming a bit more like the other. Or, alternately, you may decide that it's important for you to be with someone who, like yourself, values self-revelation, personal sharing, and conversation about difficult emotional issues. Try to get clear about this so you don't end up staying in a compromising relationship, or one where you dissipate your energies trying to change your partner.
Is He Having an Affair?
Dear Harriet:
I'm a thirty-year-old successful executive, frantically worried that my fianc‚, Warren, is having an affair. I've confronted him repeatedly with my suspicions, and he insists that it's all in my head. But I sense that he is distant and just not "there." I have two married friends who have hired private detectives in similar circumstances without their husbands' knowledge. They insist I should do the same. What would you do?
Dear Reader:
If I felt so distrustful of another human being as to consider having him investigated, I wouldn't be setting a marriage date. I probably wouldn't even use that person to feed my cat when I left town. I would put marriage plans on hold and take whatever time I needed to gain more clarity about the level of intimacy, honesty, and trust in the relationship.
If I hired a private investigator, I would feel as if I were the one having the affair. If I introduced this level of secrecy and deception into a relationship, I would find it difficult to restore intimacy, to say nothing of self-regard. I would not want to respond to mistrust by becoming untrustworthy and secretive myself.
Consider how you would respond if Warren invaded your privacy. If he believed you were concealing information from him, would it be OK for him to tap your phone, bug your office, open your mail, or hire someone to trail you? Would you respect Warren's "right to know" by whatever means possible—or might you feel violated, betrayed, or intruded upon? Work toward clarifying your values so that whatever actions you take to allay your suspicions reflect your ethics and beliefs—not just your fears.
Trust your intuition that something is wrong, but consider another option: try approaching Warren without anger, intensity, or accusations. Let him know that you love him but that you have been unable to discount your sense that something is going on. You might say, for example, "Warren, I feel that something has changed in our relationship. You keep telling me it's all in my head, but my feeling that something is wrong isn't going away."Life Preservers
Good Advice When You Need It Most. Copyright © by Harriet Lerner. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
Excerpted from Life Preservers: Good Advice When You Need It Most by Harriet G. Lerner
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
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