The Neurotic Parent's Guide to College Admissions: Strategies for Helicoptering, Hot-housing & Micromanaging

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  • Format: Paperback
  • Copyright: 2012-03-01
  • Publisher: Scb Distributors
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Admissions rates of 6%? Kids applying to 32 colleges? Sixteen-year-olds with more impressive resumes than Fortune 500 CEOs? Has the nation lost its mind?Why yes, it has! The college admissions process now sucks approximately 1250% more time, money and psychic energy than it did when today's parents were going through the same process. Thank God author J.D. Rothman is here to shine a light on the insanity with laugh-out-loud wit and incisive anthropological observations.The Neurotic Parent Reveals It All!* Frightening Statistics, Shocking Pie Charts, Depressing Bar Graphs* Kumon Tips for Preschoolers* College Confidential: The Scariest Place on the Internet* Facebook Facelift* Why Your Teen Needs to Be a Transgendered Albanian from NorthDakota* Most Obnoxious Question Asked by a Parent at anInformation Session* What to Expect When They're Rejecting* Haikus for the Neurotic Parent* Bed Bath & Bye-Bye* How to Cash in That Ivy League Degree for a Sweet Barista JobWoven in between these and many more hilarious bits of advice and cultural insights are the best of the Neurotic Parent's blog posts, which detail the anxiety-ridden quest for college homes for his/her children. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll pack up and move your family to Australia, where getting into college is reputedly just like it was in the United States in 1972.


Orientation to College Angst Back in the day, before the existence of the expression "back in the day,” you took the SAT once. When you got a 1260, your relatives thought you were a genius. That was when the most difficult high school class was trig, a "B” meant "good,” and the initials AP stood for Associated Press. Your main extracurricular was sitting with a sun reflector on the beach. You filled out applications for three colleges and didn't bother to visit any. Even if you were lucky enough to know your guidance counselor, it never would have occurred to you to ask her to proofread your application, which you sent in by registered mail.You can barely remember why you selected the college where you ended up, but it probably had something to do with where your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend was or wasn't attending. Then, when it was time to leave, your parents dropped you off at a train station with a duffel bag, and that began your college career.At the Neurotic Parent Institute, we have followed the trends carefully. We can say definitively that everything has changed. Today's kids need to begin prepping for college by age 2, when they get admitted to a selective Mommy and Me group, which leads to the right preschool. Then, starting at age 5, they need tutors, coaches, and homework helpers. In their spare time after that, they must choose 20-hour-a-week activities that will become their passions by middle school. If they're actually having fun rather than excelling, there's something wrong.This guidebook presents our findings about today's college process. It will prepare you for the fourteen standardized exams, 39 essays and 27 supplements that your sons or daughters will tackle-and all the money you will spend making sure they're on target. If you're reading this when your child is a junior or senior in high school, we're sorry to let you know that you have started agonizing way too late, and we suggest you supplement this experience with a strong cocktail or an Ativan.We will also present popular blog entries by the Neurotic Parent, which follow the journey of her older son, Cerebral Jock (CJ), during the period when he was ultimately accepted early decision to a top-ten school. This anxious blogger is now in the middle of overseeing the application process of her younger son, Good Conversationalist (GC), so if you happen to be a college admissions officer at one of the schools on his list, please promise not to be offended.

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