The New Vampire's Handbook

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  • Format: Trade Paper
  • Copyright: 2009-09-08
  • Publisher: Villard
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From the authors of "The Dangerous Book for Dogs" and "The Devious Book for Cats" comes this hilarious illustrated guide to the issues facing the newly turned vampire. 100 bw illustrations.



From the moment you first ran your tongue along your teeth after the transformation, it was clear that your body had undergone changes. But to what extent? It isn't just the fangs that are new. Many functions of your former body have dramatically increased, slowed, or stopped altogether. Each modification occurs so you can become a sleeker, more effective blood-obtaining-and-processing machine. Below are the most dramatic improvements. 


The nutritional and dietary needs of your body have changed. You now eat from only one food group, blood, which, when consumed, is absorbed through arteries of the stomach wall (1) and small intestine (2). Because of this, your stomach no longer produces acid, and your saliva no longer contains enzymes to break down starches. Instead, your saliva contains new enzymes that prevent the blood from coagulating. Any blood that is not absorbed by the stomach or small intestine makes its way to the newly enlarged appendix (3), where it is stored.* The imbibed blood is whisked to the liver (4), where impurities are filtered out. From there, the purified blood passes through your heart (5), which sends it to the rest of your body. The blood's vitality is then slowly absorbed through a biochemical process that releases light-negating hemo-photon particles, invisible to the naked eye.  


A vampire's body utilizes 98.9 percent of the blood it processes, so there is far less waste to remove. Consequently, your bladder and large intestine are no longer necessary, and effectively shut down. The kidneys likewise shrink, and your ability to generate the blood-production hormone erythropoietin also halts. The little waste left to remove-dead blood-cell walls and chemical impurities-is discreetly flushed from the body via the sweat ducts (6) of the feet.   INTEGUMENTARY SYSTEM  

Undead is not dead. Hair and nails continue to grow, albeit stronger and more slowly.* Your new nails, if grown long, can be used effectively as gouging or slashing implements. A vampire's skin will continue to grow as well, but instead of flaking off, the base components are absorbed back into the body when they are no longer functional, making your complexion smooth and powdery. In addition, your skin no longer produces vitamin D when exposed to sunlight. Instead, the ultraviolet radiation in sunlight prevents the release of hemo-photon particles the epidermis emits as a by-product of processing vital energies from the blood; this can cause grave injury.  

IMMUNE SYSTEM   You no longer need an immune system. Viruses and bacteria that find purchase in living hosts do not meet a friendly environment inside a vampire's body. The one notable exception is that the feet, moistened from the constant excretion of waste, are susceptible to the fungal infection tinea pedis, known colloquially as night foot, or to the warm as athlete's foot.  


Your endocrine system was formerly responsible for regulating the release of hormones in your body. Most of the glands (such as the pituitary) that made up this system all but burned themselves out in your rapid human-to-vampire transformation. Some, such as the adrenal gland, enlarged and are now constantly active, contributing to your enhanced reflexes and strength. The thyroid and parathyroid glands also enlarged, which gives you increased energy and aids in your rapid healing response.  


While a vampire's strength and reflexes have increased dramatically, their functionality has not changed at all.


The reproductive system as you knew it is no longer functional. Your genitals are no longer necessary for you to procreat

Excerpted from The New Vampire's Handbook: A Guide for the Recently Turned Creature of the Night by Joe Garden, Janet Ginsburg, Chris Pauls, Anita Serwacki, Scott Sherman
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.

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