Oh No She Didn't : The Top 100 Style Mistakes Women Make and How to Avoid Them

by Kelly, Clinton

• ISBN13: 9781439163160
• ISBN10: 1439163162
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2010-10-12
• Publisher: Gallery Books

Summary

Muffin tops. Scrunchies. Suntan hose. Slut shoes. Visible panty line. Who hasn't had the unfortunate experience of witnessing or (gasp!) actually wearing one of these fashion disasters? The atrocities Clinton Kelly has seen; it's a surprise he hasn't gouged out his own eyes. Mom jeans? Fancy fingernails? Tracksuits? In the same straight-talking style that has made TLC's What Not to Wear a smash hit for eight seasons, the cheeky media personality and author of Freakin' Fabulous shows women how to outfit themselves with confidence and style as he pokes fun at fashion "don'ts." From the most obvious faux pas (Texas tuxedos) to borderline offenses (peekaboo boobies), Clinton offers detailed and entertaining critiques of our top one hundred sartorial slip-ups. He turns his keen eye to wardrobe, color, cut, cleanliness, hairstyle, accessories, and even posture. And because he loves you, he presents easy alternatives and practical suggestions for creating fabulous outfits that will make you forget you ever wore socks with clogs. Clinton also explains how to use trends to your advantage at any age, from deciding which ones work for you to understanding how to wear them to keep your look relevant. Because if you're not comfortable in the sequined mini, everyone around you will know it. A delightful mix of hilarious dish and expert fashion advice, Oh No She Didn't will turn anyone from fashion victim to fashionista in no time.

Table of Contents

Introduction	p. 1
The Mom Jean	p. 2
Scuffed-Up Heels	p. 5
Fancy Fingernails	p. 6
Catholic Schoolgirl	p. 8
Tattoos And Evening Wear	p. 11
Gnarly Feet	p. 12
Muffin Top	p. 15
Track Suits	p. 16
Hairy Legs Under Hose	p. 19
Counterfeit Anything	p. 20
Low Boobies	p. 23
Applying Makeup In Public	p. 24
Pajamas In Public	p. 27
Colored Suits	p. 28
Reinforced Toe	p. 31
Tramp Stamps At Work	p. 32
Cartoon Characters	p. 35
Denim On Denim	p. 36
Horse Hair	p. 39
Socks With Clogs	p. 40
Nipping Out	p. 43
Black Addiction	p. 44
Suntan Hose	p. 47
Turtlenecks	p. 48
Matching Your Mate	p. 51
The Monica Shoe	p. 52
Too-Long Sleeves	p. 55
Condiment Colors	p. 56
Wet Hair Ponytail	p. 59
The Whale Tail	p. 60
Holiday Sweaters	p. 63
Too Much Cleavage At Work	p. 64
Cross-Trainers	p. 67
Frayed Hems	p. 68
Matchy-Matchy Outfits	p. 70
Red Lipstick	p. 72
Dropped Crotch	p. 75
Beige	p. 76
Frizz	p. 79
Horizontal Stripes	p. 80
Slut Shoes	p. 83
Gap In The Back	p. 84
Fidgeting	p. 86
Giveaway And Sloganed T-Shirts	p. 88
Outdated Patterns	p. 91
Double Bubble (Or, Thy Cups Runneth Over)	p. 92
Cropped Pants	p. 95
Porn Mouth	p. 96
Frosted Hair	p. 99
Visible Panty Line	p. 100
Flip-Flops	p. 103
Midsection Cling	p. 104
Bad Brows!	p. 106
Underfilled Cups	p. 109
Pastel Pink	p. 110
Attacked By Animal Print	p. 113
Camel Toe	p. 114
The "I Give Up" Dress	p. 117
Dated Hair	p. 118
Polar Fleece	p. 121
Any Sort Of Belly-Baring Shirt When You Have Stretch Marks	p. 122
Old-School Polyester	p. 125
Head-To-Toe Trend Ho	p. 126
Sweatsshirts And Their Evil Cousins, Hoodies	p. 129
Mustaches	p. 130
Tents	p. 133
Droopy Shoulders	p. 134
The LLBD (Lame Little Black Dress)	p. 137
Scrunchies (And Other Cheap Hair Crap)	p. 138
Pleated Khaki Cuffed Shorts	p. 141
Distressed Denim	p. 142
Shine OD	p. 145
"It's Vintage!"	p. 146
Roots	p. 148
Gloppy Mascara	p. 151
Stirrup Pants	p. 152
Peekaboo, I See Your Boobies	p. 155
Tiny Logo Bags	p. 156
Tucking	p. 159
Visible Pin Jobs	p. 160
Novelty Bags	p. 163
The Boca Sandal	p. 164
All Solids All The Time	p. 166
Pubescent Style	p. 168
Jackets That Don't Button	p. 171
The Little Nubbin In The Boat	p. 172
Baggy Butt	p. 175
Matching Jewelry	p. 176
Platform Flip Flops	p. 179
Pilling	p. 180
Misguided Belts	p. 183
Bad Posture	p. 184
Stains	p. 187
Kooky Embroidery	p. 188
Calf-Length Skirts Mini Anything Over	p. 191
"A Certain Age"	p. 192
Covering Your Ass With An Invisibility Cloak	p. 195
Mall Jewelry	p. 196
Black Pants And White Shirts	p. 199
Opting Out	p. 200
Table of Contents provided by Ingram. All Rights Reserved.

Excerpts

INTRODUCTION

THE ATROCITIES I’VE SEEN

I mean, seriously, sometimes I’m surprised I haven’t already gouged out my own eyes. Truth be told, I did come pretty damn close once. I was in Pittsburgh, at the airport, or maybe it was Cincinnati. Doesn’t matter, really. There I was, just minding my own business, reading the newspaper and waiting for my flight to board, when a couple of women approached me.

“Are you Clinton?” one of them asked.

This question always kind of bugs me. Youknowit’s me. Just say hello and go back to your quadruple mocha latte. “Yep,” I replied, and looked up to see two of the most horrific outfits imaginable. Both women—both—were wearing horizontal-striped turtlenecks tucked into high-waisted Mom Jeans with white cross-trainers.

“We love your show!” said one.

“We watch it all the time!” declared the other.

I smiled and said thank you, because I’m a gentleman. But inside my little head, I screamed to the heavens with all my might:Why, God! Why do you hate me so much!

Maybe I get a tad exasperated from time to time, but certainly you can understand why. I’ve spent the good part of a decade explaining, with as much patience as I could muster, why you shouldn’t pair socks with sandals, why you might want to avoid tube tops after the age of forty, why elastic-waist pants are evil incarnate. But, evidently, not everyone is listening.

Still, I continue on with my mission to make America a more beautiful place. I’m like that Native American dude from the commercial who cries when he sees people litter. Except, I’m not crying. It’s more like I’m laughing at you. In fact, he’s laughing at you too. We’re having gin and tonics right now, and I was just telling him that your outfit was revolting. And you know what he said?

“And how.”

And how! Couldn’t you just die? I almost peed my pants a little.

© 2010 Clinton Kelly