Secrets You Keep from Yourself : How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness

by Neuharth, Dan

• ISBN13: 9780312312473
• ISBN10: 0312312474
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2004-03-25
• Publisher: St. Martin's Press

Summary

This insightful guide is an exploration of how and why people undermine their happiness and lose touch with their "best" selves. Counterproductive self-deception, a universal behavior, is a habit that can be broken. People keep themselves from having what they want, a phenomenon known as "self-handicapping." Offering poignant examples, innovative tools, and a compassionate perspective, Dan Neuharth reveals how to vanquish self-imposed roadblocks and avoid unnecessary losses in order to embrace and share the best in oneself.

Author Biography

Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. is the author of the national bestseller, If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World. He has appeared on national broadcast media, including Oprah, Good Morning America, and CNN's Talkback Live. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the San Francisco Bay area.

Table of Contents

To the Reader	p. xiii
Introduction: Do You Stop Yourself Short of Happiness and Fulfillment?	p. 1
The Secrets We Keep	p. 9
Who Are You When You're Not Being Yourself?	p. 11
How Self-deception Works	p. 13
Everybody Keeps Secrets	p. 15
Self-deception Takes Many Forms	p. 16
Unnecessary Complications	p. 21
Creating "Wake-up" Calls	p. 23
If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Identifying Your Customary Approaches to Challenges	p. 24
A Litmus Test for Self-sabotage	p. 32
Misleading	p. 35
Distracting	p. 36
Overreacting	p. 37
Abandoning	p. 37
When in Doubt, Apply the Litmus Test	p. 38
Why We Get in Our Own Way	p. 40
Misguided Loss-avoidance	p. 43
Look for the Loss	p. 45
The Benefits of Self-sabotage	p. 45
Your "Subterranean Accountant"	p. 51
Fuzzy Math	p. 52
Black-market Economics	p. 55
Recalculating Your Subterranean Accountant's Math	p. 58
Summary of Part 1: The Secrets We Keep	p. 59
How to Recognize the Early-warning Signs of Self-sabotage	p. 61
Taming the Beasts Within	p. 63
Observe Your Animal Nature	p. 66
Caught with Your Hand in the Cookie Jar	p. 68
Your "Usual Suspects"	p. 72
If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Rounding Up Your Usual Suspects	p. 73
Your Inner "Cast of Characters"	p. 78
Moviemaker	p. 82
Indulger	p. 84
Persuader	p. 86
Dr. No	p. 88
Mini-Me	p. 89
Capt. Superior	p. 91
Escape Artist	p. 92
King Kong	p. 94
Dramateer	p. 96
Managing Your Inner Characters	p. 98
If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Detecting Your Inner Characters	p. 99
A Word about Destructive Patterns	p. 103
Summary of Part 2: How to Recognize the Early-warning Signs of Self-sabotage	p. 104
How to Minimize Your Unnecessary Losses	p. 105
The Facts of Life	p. 107
Existential Dilemmas	p. 108
Self-handicapping Fight-or-flight Reactions	p. 109
Increased Stress and Health Problems	p. 111
Difficulty Coping with Limitations	p. 112
An Emotional Roller Coaster of Expectation and Disappointment	p. 113
Trouble Balancing Others' Needs with Your Own	p. 115
Take Stock of Your Roots in Infancy	p. 116
Denial of Your Mortality	p. 116
The Facts of Life, Revisited	p. 120
Your Personal "Defense Department"	p. 121
Challenging Your Denial	p. 122
Dissolving Your Denial	p. 124
If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Unmasking Denial	p. 125
The Truth About Fear	p. 127
Fear Is a Mental Movie That Gets Stuck at the Worst Part	p. 128
Fear Highlights Worst-case Scenarios Without Regard to Their Likelihood	p. 129
Mind FITs	p. 131
Exploiting Fear's Weak Spots	p. 135
Going to the Heart of Your Fears	p. 138
Why Identifying Core Fears Is Helpful	p. 142
Tracking Your Fears	p. 142
Naming Your Fears	p. 143
How Core Fears Translate into Action	p. 144
Taking Control of Your Fears	p. 149
Core Fears Are Perceived Deficits	p. 157
If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Identifying the Heart of Your Fears	p. 157
Tools for Fear-busting	p. 159
Ten Fear-busting Techniques	p. 159
Fear Versus Courage	p. 165
Summary of Part 3: How to Minimize Your Unnecessary Losses	p. 166
Unearthing the Treasures You Keep from Yourself	p. 169
Moving from Fear to Desire	p. 171
Reclaim Overlooked, Abandoned, or Forgotten Desires	p. 173
Core Desires	p. 173
Promoting Your Core Desires	p. 178
Embracing the Profound Within You	p. 179
If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Clarifying Your Desires	p. 181
Emerging from the Shadows: A Portrait of Your Hidden Self	p. 183
Cultivating Paradox	p. 184
Knowing Who You Are	p. 185
Crafting a Life	p. 187
Your "Hidden Self"	p. 187
If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Painting a Portrait of Your Hidden Self	p. 188
Building an Accurate Self-image	p. 195
If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Acknowledging Your Accomplishments	p. 196
What Matters and What Doesn't	p. 201
Life Is an Open-book Exam	p. 203
Decoding the Languages of Your Mind, Body, and Heart	p. 207
What Happens When Your Mind, Body, and Heart Work at Cross-purposes	p. 209
Recognizing When You're Living out of Balance	p. 211
Check In with Your "Children"	p. 212
Clarifying Confusing Situations and Generating Effective Responses	p. 212
Achieving Optimal Well-being	p. 213
If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Learning the Languages of Your Mind, Body, and Heart	p. 215
Summary of Part 4: Unearthing the Treasures You Keep from Yourself	p. 216
Triumphing over Challenges and Adversity	p. 217
What to Do When You're Stuck	p. 219
Be Specific	p. 220
Be Precise	p. 220
Be Honest	p. 221
Be Thorough	p. 222
Be Concrete	p. 223
Be Complete	p. 224
Be Introspective	p. 225
Audrey: "I Get Distracted So Easily"	p. 227
Harold: "When Someone Close to Me Gets Upset, I Feel as if I Have to Fix It"	p. 229
Angelica: "I'm Not Happy Even Though I've Achieved Much of What I Wanted"	p. 230
A Reminder about Problem Solving	p. 231
Creating Wake-up Calls by Design	p. 232
Wake-up-call Generator	p. 232
Recognize Signs of Self-sabotage	p. 232
Cut Challenges Down to Size	p. 234
Increase Your Motivation and Enhance Your Sense of Self	p. 237
Pam: "Whose Dream Is It, Anyway?"	p. 239
Carlyle and Roger: "How Can We Recapture the Closeness?"	p. 243
Dianne: "My Kids Think I'm Supermom"	p. 246
Greta: "Even Though I Was the One Rejected, I Feel as Though It Was My Fault"	p. 251
Aaron: "I Can't Seem to Handle My Finances"	p. 254
A Final Task: Making Peace with Your Self-defeats	p. 257
Summary of Part 5: Triumphing over Challenges and Adversity	p. 259
Conclusion: Living from Your Best Self	p. 260
The Goliath Principle	p. 260
Don't Take It Personally	p. 262
Live Beyond Comparison	p. 263
Listen Deeply	p. 264
Live as Though You Make a Difference	p. 265
Live as You Breathe	p. 266
Practice Gratitude	p. 267
If You'd Like to Go Deeper: Living from Your Best Self Starting Today	p. 268
Acknowledgments	p. 269
Notes	p. 271
Bibliography	p. 275
Index	p. 277
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