Summary

Psychologists and best-selling authors John and Linda Friel have written an enormously readable and infinitely practical book that delves into what makes a relationship enduringly successful. Wherever readers are in their own relationships, this book can improve those relationships dramatically, bringing them immediate and lasting benefits. In the tradition of their bestseller, The 7 Worst Things (Good) Parents Do, the authors examine the behaviors that happy, effective couples display continually. After careful investigation, the Friels synthesized years of clinical work into a manageable list of the most significant patterns of behavior couples must address and embrace if they want to become truly great couples. Recognizing that other patterns and behaviors certainly do exist, when patients come the Friels for help, the core issues illustrated in this book are discussed as the couples move boldly toward improving their relationships-with consistently outstanding results. The authors found that they had not seven, but eight, key items to identify. Here are a few:Be SexualBe Willing To DivorceManage Your Fear, Hurt, Shame, And LonelinessOwn Your Part (be responsible for creating a great relationship)

Author Biography

John C. Friel, Ph.D., and Linda Friel, M.A., are full-time practicing psychologists in the Minneapolis/St. Paul suburbs

Preface

Acknowledgments

xvii

Part I: A Portrait of Love

The Explanation

(6)

List I: What Really Great Love Looks Like

(6)

List II: What Really Great Love Does Not Look Like

(8)

Part II: There Is an Interesting Story Behind Everything

The Man, the Woman and the Sea

(4)

The Magic and Science of Relationships

(12)

Hurting and Being Hurt-And Other Crucial Stages of Love

(16)

We Always Pair Up with Emotional Equals-And Other Rules of the Game

(24)

Part III: ``And'' Is a Powerful Word

The Rocks

(12)

Part IV: Seven (Plus One) Is a Good Round Number

Grow Up: You Can't Be Married If You're Not Old Enough to Date

(24)

Be Sexual

115

(20)

Be Willing to Divorce

135

(18)

Know How You Chose Each Other

153

(32)

Let Yourself Be Astonished

185

(28)

Manage Your Fear, Hurt, Shame and Loneliness

213

(20)

Own Your Own Part

233

(24)

Let Disappointment Enrich You

257

(16)

Part V: Do You Have a Story?

Keola Beamer

273

(4)

Ray Bradbury

277

(4)

Appendix A: The Early ``Cup-Fillers'' in Detail

281

(14)

Appendix B: The Magic Number 7 Plus or Minus Two

295

(4)

Endnotes

299

(8)

References

307

(6)

Index

313

Supplemental Materials

What is included with this book?

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Excerpts

Chapter 1 - Susie Chapter 1 - The Explanation . . . There is a feeling now, that was not here before, and is not just on the surface of things, but penetrates all the way through: We've won it. It's going to get better now. You can sort of tell these things. ùRobert PirsigZen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance After twenty-one years of living together in a marriage, decades of scientific theories and data about relationships, and an amalgam of what we've gathered from our years of working with people in therapy settings, no matter how we think of them or try to write about them, making sense of love relationships can be baffling at times. Is the science flawed? Have we been deluding ourselves all of these years? Or is it simply that the array of successful human possibilities is defined by an infinite number of conceivable genetic combinations? There are over 6 billion people in the world right now, and you'd have to multiply that by another billion to get an estimate of how many types of successful relationships there could be at any given moment in time. And so, rather than being exhaustive or definitive, this book consists of some of our thoughts about relationships and some of the research on them. Before we send this manuscript to our publisher, scores more will be sent to other publishers to be in print next year, too. This book is just one way of putting together some of the things we see. When two people come to us for therapy, they are coming to see what they can see, using us as catalysts. When they go to someone else, they are going for different catalysts. In the same way, our children are a product of our lives, not yours. Your children are a product of yours, not ours. As obvious as that may seem, we say it because it underscores the crucial part of relationship therapyùthat only you can improve your intimate relationship. Nobody else can do it for you. The Patterns of Life Part of the science of relationships is captured in the principle of reenactment. We have a friend who enthusiastically participates in Civil War reenactments, during which he and his compatriots dress up in authentic uniforms from the mid-1800s, brandish authentic Civil War-era weapons, eat the kinds of food that soldiers ate back then and fight the famous battles of the war, to the delight of thousands of onlookers. In the study of relationships, reenactment refers to the fact that the patterns we display as adults are based on patterns that began when we were children. It also helps explain how patterns are passed on from one generation to the next not only by genetics, but also by learning. On paper, at least, it's fairly simple to comprehend. As a child, you loved to read. At thirty-five years of age, you love to read. As a child, you were active and dominant, and at forty you are still active and dominant. When you were angry as a child, no one listened to you, or they told you to be quiet and go to your room-that a good child does no

Excerpted from The 7 Best Things Happy Couples Do by Linda D. Friel, John C. Friel
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