Asserting Yourself-Updated Edition A Practical Guide For Positive Change

by Bower, Sharon Anthony; Bower, Gordon H.

• ISBN13: 9780738209715
• ISBN10: 0738209716
• Edition: Revised
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2004-10-27
• Publisher: Da Capo Lifelong Books

Summary

Utilizing a number of techniques from behavior-change psychology, speech, communications, and acting, the authors Sharon and Gordon Bower outline an effective assertiveness program to help people improve their self-esteem, articulate their opinions, and develop meaningful relationships. Exercises and examples throughout-including the celebrated "DESC scripts" (describe, express, specify, consequences)-allow readers to practice the program, adapt it to their own lives, and evaluate their progress. For both personal and professional use,Asserting Yourselfis the classic guide to building confidence and taking a stand.

Author Biography

Sharon Anthony Bower is President of Confidence Training, Inc. She has led communication workshops for Apple, IBM, Hewlett-Packard, and government agencies. Gordon H. Bower is Professor of Psychology at Stanford University, having received his Ph.D. from Yale. He is a member of the National Academy of Sciences.

Table of Contents

Introduction	1	(188)
1. How Assertive Are You Now?	4	(22)
Do You Have a Right to be Assertive?	6	(2)
The Passive, the Aggressive, and the Assertive Styles of Behavior	8	(4)
Getting Started	12	(1)
PALS: The Phases in Learning Assertive Behaviors	13	(13)
2. Improving Your Self-Esteem	26	(20)
Your Self-Concept: A Product of Experience	26	(1)
The Toll of a Negative Self-Concept	27	(2)
Looking at Your Relationships	29	(5)
Changing Your Self-Concept	34	(9)
Extending Your Pleasures	43	(3)
3. Coping with Stress	46	(18)
Flow Emotions Can Keep You from Becoming Assertive	46	(4)
Learning to Relax	50	(2)
Desensitizing Yourself to Anxiety	52	(7)
Additional Strategies for Coping with Stress	59	(5)
4. Small Steps: Beginning Assertive Exercises	64	(23)
Keeping a Record of Your Assertive Behavior	64	(1)
Beginning Assertive Exercises	65	(1)
Exercise 1. Listing Your Put-Down Sentences	66	(3)
Exercise 2. Active Looking	69	(2)
Exercise 3. Initiating Greeting-Talk	71	(2)
Exercise 4. Giving and Accepting Genuine Compliments	73	(1)
Exercise 5. Asking for Clarification	74	(1)
Exercise 6. Requesting Help	75	(2)
Exercise 7. Speaking Up for Your Reasonable Rights	77	(1)
Exercise 8. Participating in Conversations	78	(2)
Exercise 9. Using Body Language that Says Yes or No	80	(3)
Exercise 10. Stopping Self-Justification	83	(1)
Exercise 11. Using Expressive Talk to Show Feelings	84	(2)
Conclusion	86	(1)
5. DESC Scripting: A New Approach for Dealing with Conflicts	87	(19)
Negotiating for Positive Changes	87	(1)
Why Write Scripts?	88	(2)
DESC Scripts	90	(6)
Working Out a DESC Script	96	(3)
Summary of Rules for Writing DESC Scripts	99	(3)
Find the Error: Some Poor and Better Scripts	102	(4)
6. Sample Scripts for Standard Situations	106	(17)
Requesting a Billing Adjustment	107	(1)
Requesting Information	108	(1)
Requesting Help	108	(1)
Clarifying Your Instructions	109	(1)
Requesting a Raise	110	(1)
Requesting Reconciliation	111	(1)
Requesting Participation	112	(1)
Saying No to Unreasonable Demands	113	(1)
Protesting Annoying Habits	114	(1)
Protesting Unjust Criticism	115	(1)
Protesting Physical Violence	116	(1)
Protesting Emotional Outbursts	117	(1)
Protesting a Rip-Off	118	(1)
Dealing with a Substance Abuser	119	(1)
Establishing Independence	120	(1)
Dealing with the Silent Treatment	121	(1)
Conclusion	122	(1)
7. Writing Your Own DESC Scripts	123	(20)
Writing a Script for Your Problem Scene	124	(7)
Abbreviated Scripts	131	(2)
Scripts for Mailing or Telephoning	133	(2)
Practicing Your Script-Writing	135	(3)
When is a Script a Success?	138	(5)
8. Downer Detours	143	(28)
Put-Off Detours	145	(1)
Distracting Detours	146	(1)
Denying Detours	147	(1)
Blaming Detours	148	(2)
Verbal-Abusing Detours	150	(1)
Joking Detours	151	(1)
Reinterpreting Detours	152	(1)
Psychoanalyzing Detours	152	(2)
"Poor Me" Detours	154	(1)
Negative-Body-Language Detours	155	(1)
Apologizing Detours	156	(1)
Threatening Detours	157	(2)
Debating Detours	159	(1)
Tough Cases: Procrastinating Detours and Nonnegotiating Detours	160	(5)
Some Sample DESC Scripts with Downer Detours	165	(2)
Your Script, Your Downer's Detours, and Your Replies	167	(4)
9. Looking and Feeling Assertive	171	(18)
Phase 1: Prepare to Practice	172	(1)
Phase 2: Highlight Your Script	172	(2)
Phase 3: Learn Your Lines	174	(1)
Phase 4: Develop Assertive Body Language	175	(3)
Phase 5: Speak with More Power	178	(3)
Phase 6: Speak with More Clarity	181	(1)
Phase 7: Speak with More Expression	182	(2)
Phase 8: Set the Stage	184	(1)
Phase 9: Look the Part	185	(4)
10. Hit-and-Run Downers	189	(17)
Who's Got the Power?	189	(2)
How Prevalent is the Passive Victim?	191	(2)
Rationalizations of Nonresisters (Nice Passive Folks)	193	(3)
When Should You be Assertive?	196	(2)
Some Rules for Complaining	198	(1)
Abbreviated DESC Scripts for One-Shot Situations	199	(7)
11. Developing Friendships	206	(22)
Increasing Your Likability	206	(2)
Deepening Old Acquaintances	208	(1)
Meeting New People	209	(1)
Developing Conversational Skills	210	(12)
Socializing Exercises	222	(1)
On Making Dates	223	(2)
Coping with Social Anxieties	225	(2)
Conclusion	227	(1)
Appendix A Principles of Behavior Change	228	(3)
Appendix B Progressive Relaxation	231	(7)
Appendix C Rules of Contracting	238	(2)
Notes	240	(3)
Suggestions for Further Reading	243