Boundaries Face to Face : How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding

by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Authors of the Million-Copy Best-Seller Boundaries

• ISBN13: 9780310221524
• ISBN10: 0310221528
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2003-10-01
• Publisher: Harpercollins Christian Pub

Summary

A practical handbook on positive confrontation by the authors of the award-winning and best-selling Boundaries. Successful people confront well. They know that setting healthy boundaries improves relationships. They have discovered that uncomfortable-even dangerous-situations can often be avoided or resolved through direct conversation. But most of us don't know how to go about having difficult conversations. We see confrontation as scary or adversarial. We're afraid to ask a boss for a raise or talk to a relative about a drinking problem, or even address a relational conflict with a spouse or someone we are dating. In Boundaries Face to Face authors Cloud and Townsend take the principles from their best-selling book Boundaries and apply them to a variety of the most common difficult situations and relationships. - Explains why confrontation is essential in all arenas of life - Shows how healthy confrontation can improve relationships - Presents the essentials of a good boundary-setting conversation - Provides tips on how to prepare for the conversation - Shows how to tell people what you want, how to stop bad behavior, and how to deal with counterattack - Gives actual examples of conversations to have with your spouse, your date, your kids, your coworker, your boss, your parents, and more From the Book Sometimes people get confused in a confrontation because the other person gets them off track. If that happens, remember this formula. Empathize with their feelings or position, and return to your issue. Here's an example. Joe: "I can't believe you were offended by my comments. You joke around more than anyone here. That's pretty hypocritical." You: "I understand it's hard for you to see, and I'm glad you meant it as a joke and weren't trying to be hurtful. What I'm telling you, though, and what I don't want you to miss, is how it affected me. It hurt me and I don't want to be talked to like that."

Table of Contents

Why You Need to HaveThat Difficult Conversation
The Talk Can Change Your Life	p. 15
The Benefits of a Good Conversation	p. 20
The Essentialsof a Good Conversation
Be Emotionally Present	p. 33
Be Clear about ""You"" and ""I""	p. 36
Clarify the Problem	p. 39
Balance Grace and Truth	p. 42
Stay on Task	p. 45
Use the Formula, When You Do ""A,"" I Feel ""B""	p. 49
Affirm and Validate	p. 52
Table of Contents provided by Publisher. All Rights Reserved.

Excerpts

Boundaries Face to FaceCopyright © 2003 by Henry Cloud and John TownsendThis title is also available as a Zondervan audio product.Visit www.zondervan.com/audiopages for more information.Requests for information should be addressed to:Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataCloud, Henry.Boundaries face to face : how to have that difficult conversationyou’ve been avoiding / Henry Cloud and John Townsend.—1st ed.p. cm.ISBN 0-310-22152-81. Conflict management—Religious aspects—Christianity. 2. Conversation—Religious aspects—Christianity. 3. Oral communication—Religious aspects—Christianity. 4. Interpersonal conflict—Religious aspects. 5. Interpersonalrelations—Religious aspects. I. Townsend, John Sims, 1952– II. Title.BV4597.53.C58C59 2003158.2—dc22200301562This edition printed on acid-free paper.All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible: NewInternational Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society.Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. Italics in Scripture quotations areadded by the authors for emphasis.Scripture quotations marked NASB are from the New American Standard Bible®, © Copyright1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977 by The Lockman Foundation.The website addresses recommended throughout this book are offered as a resource to you.These websites are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement on the part ofZondervan, nor do we vouch for their content for the life of this book.All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system,or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy,recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the priorpermission of the publisher.Published in association with Yates & Yates, LLP, Attorneys and Counselors, Suite 1000,Literary Agent, Orange, CA.Interior design by Beth ShagenePrinted in the United States of America03 04 05 06 07 08 09 /? DC/ 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1We never foresaw how well our book Boundaries: When to SayYes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life was going to do.Although we knew through our clinical work that many peopleidentify with the need to regain control of their lives, we had noidea how widespread that need was. Almost everyone feels theneed for better boundaries at one time or another.Sometimes we need to deal with a difficult person in a relationship,such as a controller, a manipulator, or someone who isirresponsible or even abusive. At other times we need to figureout what demands of life to say no to so we won’t overextendourselves. At still other times we need to work out better patternsof intimacy and relatedness in a good relationship, or takea stand for our values in a difficult one. Still other times, wemight need to keep someone from taking over more of our time,energy, and resources than we would like to give. There aremany, many different contexts of life in which we need to exercisegood boundaries. For people who care, setting those boundariescan be tough. So it really is no surprise that Boundaries hasfound such a ready audience.As a result of the book’s following, we find ourselves speakingto tens of thousands of people directly every year and literallymillions through our radio program. When we talk to people, the themeof dealing with difficult relationships continues to surface. Resolvingrelational issues is always on the forefront of people’s minds.As we answer questions, we find ourselves continually telling peoplethat they should have a direct conversation with the person with whomthey have the problem. They repeatedly say either “I’ve tried that, andit didn’t work” or “How would I do that?” Either they have tried andfound themselves overpowered or outmaneuvered, or they just don’tknow how to broach such a conversation. So we often tell them to roleplaywith us. We say, “You be him or her and I’ll be you. Now go.” Whenwe show them how to have such a conversation, the lights go on for thefirst time. They often say things like “I never thought about saying itlike that. That makes all the difference in the world. Now I know whatto do.”Many people in the audience who observe the role-playing tell usthe same thing. Just hearing how to do it gives them a process to follow,and they can go forward with more confidence that they will be able toresolve a tough issue.This book shows readers how to do that, how to have a “boundaryconversation.” Most people know that they need to set boundaries withsomeone or have a difficult conversation with someone, but few knowhow to do it well. Some are so afraid, they never try; others try and faildismally; still others do it in a way that does more harm than good. Forthat reason, people put off confronting, setting boundaries, or “facinginto” difficult conversations. As a result, their relationships suffer.For many people, setting boundaries or confronting someone hasgotten a bad rap. Yet, both the Bible and research show that confrontationis essential to success in all arenas of life. Successful peopleconfront well. They make it a part of the ongoing texture of their relationships.They face issues in their relationships directly. In fact, theLatin word for confront means just that: to turn your face toward somethingor someone.We hope this book will return confrontation to its proper positiverole in the language of love and relationship. We will show that settingboundaries, confronting, and having that “difficult conversation you’vebeen avoiding” is not adversarial, but one of the most loving things youcan do. We will show that it is the only way to have the relationshipyou desire, whether in marriage, dating, friendship, family, or work. Andif you learn to have those difficult conversations in a loving, honest,and responsible way, your relationships can become better than you everthought they could.This book will show you the benefits and essentials of a good conversation,how to have that good conversation, how to prepare yourselfbefore you have the conversation, and how to have it with the variouspeople in your lives.So why another Boundaries book? Our prayer is that it will accompanywhatever other Boundaries books you have and guide you towardspecific conversations in both your difficult and delightful relationships.This will be a “how-to” guide to help you know how to have that difficultconversation you’ve been avoiding and, as a result, get more out ofyour relationships—and your life.As we speak around the country at conferences on relationships,we will often hear some version of the following story.A man will come up and say, “Thanks for your materials onsetting limits and boundaries. They have changed my life and mymarriage.”We will say, “Thank you, too. So what book did you read?”“I didn’t read a book,” the man will say. “My wife did!”He will go on to explain: “I was a crummy communicatorwith my wife. I controlled her, I had some bad habits, and I hadno spiritual life to speak of. Then she read Boundaries, and shestarted applying the principles. That’s when things started changingfor both of us. It took some time and effort, but I’m really differentnow. We are closer, and we have more respect for eachother and more freedom in the relationship. I’m doing a lot betterwith those bad habits, and I’m waking up to my relationshipwith God.”You would normally expect someone to talk about a book hehas actually read.

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Excerpted from Boundaries Face to Face: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding by Henry Cloud, John Townsend
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.