The Complete Idiot's Guide to Surviving Divorce, 3rd Edition

by Weintraub, Pamela; Hillman, Terry

• ISBN13: 9781592574148
• ISBN10: 1592574149
• Edition: 3rd
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2005-10-04
• Publisher: DK Publishing, Inc.

Summary

You're no idiot, of course. You weren't expecting divorce to be easy. But now you're overwhelmed with all kinds of complex legal and financial issues. You feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster-and you just want to get off ...

Author Biography

Pamela Weintraub and Terry Hillman are cofounders of Divorce Central, an online service. Weintraub is the author of more than a dozen books and was previously editor-in-chief of OMNI Internet. Hillman owns a business that produces multimedia educational programs for professionals.

Table of Contents

Part 1: Making the Decision	1	(54)
1 Saving Your Marriage: When There's Hope	3	(10)
The Most Difficult Decision You Will Ever Make	4	(2)
Resolving Conflicts and Saving Your Marriage	6	(1)
Point of No Return	7	(1)
When Is It Over?	8	(1)
Don't Burn Your Bridges: Be Absolutely Certain	9	(1)
When Divorce Is Urgent	10	(3)
2 Planning for Divorce	13	(16)
Think Before You Act	13	(10)
1. Consider Your Legal Options	14	(1)
2. Consult and Hire an Attorney	15	(1)
3. Know Your Spouse's Annual Income	16	(1)
4. Realistically Assess What You Can Earn	17	(1)
5. Learn About Your Family's Financial Holdings	18	(1)
6. Realistically Assess Your Family's Debt	18	(1)
7. Make Photocopies of All Family Financial Records	18	(1)
8. Take Stock of Your Family's Valuables	19	(1)
9. Learn How Much It Costs to Run Your Household	19	(1)
10. Determine Where You Will Live Following Separation	19	(1)
11. Start Saving Money	20	(1)
12. Build Up Your Own Credit	20	(1)
13. Stay Involved with Your Children	20	(1)
14. Withdraw Your Money from the Bank	21	(1)
15. Consider Canceling Charge Cards	21	(1)
16. Decide How to Tell Your Spouse	21	(1)
17. Decide How to Tell the Children	22	(1)
18. Take Property That Belongs to You and Safeguard It	22	(1)
19. Don't Make Any Unnecessary Major Purchases	22	(1)
20. Make Sure That Your Spouse Is the First to Know Your Plans	22	(1)
21. Stay in the Marital Residence If Possible	23	(1)
When It Comes as a Shock...	23	(6)
3 Love in Ruins	29	(8)
Breaking the News	30	(1)
Oh, the Agony!	30	(1)
Envisioning the Future	31	(1)
Right from the Start: Legal Implications Lurk Behind Every Emotional Wound	32	(5)
Don't Let Your Feelings Impact Your Legal Standing	32	(5)
4 Separation	37	(10)
Beginning of the End, or a New Beginning?	38	(1)
Preamble to Divorce	38	(2)
A Separate Peace	40	(1)
Surviving Forced Togetherness	41	(1)
Sayonara	42	(1)
Reading the Fine Print	43	(1)
The Family Plan	44	(3)
5 When There's No Turning Back	47	(8)
Where to Begin the End	47	(1)
Gathering Your Financial Documents	48	(2)
The Price of Dating Before the Divorce	50	(1)
Hiring a Private Eye	50	(2)
Reviewing Your Prenuptial Agreement	52	(1)
Starting the Divorce Action	53	(1)
Working Out a Settlement Agreement	54	(1)
Part 2: Navigating the Law	55	(108)
6 The Art of the Deal	57	(12)
"No-Fault" Divorce	57	(1)
Quick and Easy	58	(1)
Not So Quick and Easy	58	(1)
Working Through the Issues	59	(5)
Bargaining and Compromise	59	(3)
Impediments to Settlement	62	(1)
No Deal!	63	(1)
It's a Deal: Accepting the Package and Moving On	64	(1)
What Happens When the Settlement Is Reached?	64	(1)
The Cost of a Quick Divorce	65	(1)
Your Lawyer's Role	65	(1)
The Default Divorce	66	(3)
7 How to Find and Retain an Attorney	69	(12)
Why a Lawyer Might Be Essential	70	(1)
How to Choose the Best Lawyer for You	70	(2)
Your First Meeting	72	(1)
Fees and Billing	72	(1)
It's a Small, Small World	73	(1)
Good Referral Sources	73	(1)
The Fox, the Shark, the Lamb, and the Peacemaker: A Look at Legal Styles	74	(1)
How to Interview a Lawyer	75	(4)
You're Hired!	79	(2)
8 The Full-Service Attorney: What You Get in the Gold-Plated Divorce	81	(10)
Is Full-Service Representation Right for You?	82	(1)
Great Expectations	83	(1)
What Your Lawyer Should Be Doing and When	84	(2)
Crossing the Line	86	(1)
What Your Attorney Needs to Know	87	(1)
How and When to Talk to Your Lawyer	87	(1)
How to Annoy a Lawyer	88	(1)
When to Fire Your Lawyer	88	(3)
9 Do-It-Yourself Divorce: Handling Your Case Pro Se	91	(8)
The Pro Se Legacy	91	(2)
A Growing American Tradition	92	(1)
The Impact on the Court System	93	(1)
The Difference Between Legal Information and Legal Advice	93	(3)
Help Is on the Way	94	(1)
Tips for Do-It-Yourselfers	95	(1)
Is Pro Se Divorce for You?	96	(3)
10 Divorce à la Carte: Hiring a Lawyer for Specific Tasks	99	(1)
A Fair Shake	100	(2)
How to Obtain Limited-Scope Legal Assistance for Your Divorce	102	(1)
The Limited-Scope Consult	103	(2)
Coaching, Ghostwriting, and Other Assistance	105	(2)
The Domino Theory of Divorce	105	(2)
How to Benefit from Unbundled Divorce	107	(2)
11 Mediation, Arbitration, Collaboration	109	(1)
Gentle Tactics	110	(1)
Advantages of Mediation	111	(1)
When Mediation Works Best	111	(1)
When to Avoid Mediation	112	(2)
Choosing a Mediator	114	(1)
Meditation as a Process	115	(3)
If You Think Your Spouse Is Lying	117	(1)
Reliving Old Patterns During Your Mediation	117	(1)
All About Arbitration	118	(1)
Collaborative Divorce	119	(4)
What Sets Collaborative Law Apart	120	(1)
A Way to Stop the Madness	120	(1)
Is Collaborative Divorce for You?	121	(2)
12 Taking Your Case to Court	123	(7)
Here Comes the Judge	123	(1)
Behind Closed Doors: How Judges Resolve Issues	124	(1)
How to Impress the Judge	125	(1)
Going Through the Motions	125	(2)
The Discovery Zone	127	(1)
Trials and Tribulations: Your Day in Court	128	(2)
Judicial Bias	130	(4)
Trial by Fire: When You're the Witness	131	(1)
Traps You Can Avoid	132	(1)
Ten Common Mistakes You Must Not Make	133	(1)
Family Court Versus Civil Court	134	(1)
You're in the Army Now	135	(1)
Should You Appeal?	135	(2)
13 When Divorce Turns Vicious	137	(2)
The Nightmare Begins	139	(4)
Harassment	139	(1)
Order of Protection	140	(1)
Serving the Order	141	(2)
14 Paying the Bill	143	(2)
Why Legal Representation Is So Costly	143	(1)
How Matrimonial Lawyers Charge	144	(1)
Before You Put Your Money Down	145	(3)
The Fine Print	146	(2)
Who Pays for What?	148	(1)
Twelve Tips for Keeping Fees Under Control	148	(2)
How to Tell Whether Your Lawyer's Charges Are Legitimate	150	(1)
Getting Your Money's Worth	151	(2)
15 Closing the Book on Your Case	153	(1)
When the Judgment Is Final	154	(1)
After the Judgment Has Been Entered	154	(1)
Your Benefits	155	(1)
Changing Your Last Name	156	(1)
Modifying the Divorce Decree	156	(1)
How Remarriage Alters Things	157	(1)
When Your Second Marriage Ends	157	(1)
What If You Lose Your Job?	158	(1)
When Your Ex Does Not Comply	159	(1)
Bidding Your Lawyer Adieu	160	(6)
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do	160	(3)
Part 3: The Economics of Divorce	163	(1)
16 Dividing It Up	165	(56)
The Art and Science of Division	166	(1)
Variations in State Law	166	(2)
Community Property States	167	(1)
Equitable Distribution (Common Law) States	167	(1)
Re-Learning Long Division	168	(4)
Taking Inventory	168	(1)
Even-Steven: Furniture, Cars, and the Small Stuff, and the Cash	168	(1)
Who Gets the House?	169	(1)
When You Keep the House	170	(2)
Dividing the Family Business	172	(1)
Leave No Stone Unturned	172	(1)
Devious Ways a Divorcing Spouse Might Hide Assets	173	(1)
Bankruptcy	174	(1)
Illegal Transfers: How to Catch Your Spouse in the Act	174	(1)
Gathering Your Financial Information: A Worksheet Approach	174	(12)
Getting Started: A Basic List to Get the Ball Rolling	175	(1)
Residence	176	(1)
Asset Checklist	176	(1)
Financial Affidavit	177	(5)
Settlement Software	182	(3)
17 Coping With Complexities: Inheritance, Wills, and Other Estate Issues	185	(17)
Inherited Money and Personal Property: Who Gets What?	186	(2)
When a Spouse Dies Before Divorce Is Final	188	(3)
18 Spousal Support	191	(1)
The Who, When, and How Much of Maintenance	192	(1)
Safety Net for the Homemaker	192	(1)
Rules of Thumb	193	(1)
What's Fair? Coming Up with a Number	194	(1)
You Can't Always Get What You Want, but You'll Get What You Need	195	(1)
Getting the Best Deal	196	(2)
A Word of Warning	198	(1)
When Circumstances Change	198	(3)
19 Child Support	201	(1)
A Closer Look at State Child Support Guidelines	202	(3)
Child Support in Sole Custody Arrangements	203	(1)
Child Support in Shared Custody Arrangements	204	(1)
Direct vs. Indirect Child Support: Which Is Right for You?	205	(2)
What's Fair?	207	(4)
To Settle or Not to Settle? That Is the Question	207	(1)
Duration of Child Support	208	(1)
What Should the Child Support Figure Be?	209	(1)
Don't Miss a Beat: Taking All Your Expenses into Account	210	(1)
When a Parent Is in Default	211	(1)
When You Think You're Paying Too Much	212	(1)
When You're Not Receiving Enough	213	(1)
Insurance and Healthcare for Your Children	213
20 Managing Your Money Solo	211	(7)
Expect Your Financial Situation to Change	218	(1)
Sharing the Responsibilities of Your Former Life	218	(2)
Taking Stock of Your Finances	220	(1)
Looking for Work	221	(1)
Developing a Credit History	221	(1)
Handling Your Debts	222	(1)
Selling Your House to Make Ends Meet	223	(1)
Living Within Your Means	223
Part 4: Focus on the Children	221	(1)
21 Thinking About Custody of the Children	229	(76)
Negotiating Custody	230	(1)
Custody Is Not Ownership	231	(1)
Understanding Your State's Custody Preference	231	(1)
Joint or Sole Custody?	232	(2)
When Joint Custody Won't Work	234	(1)
Determining the Primary Residence, Whether You Decide on a Sole Custody Arrangement or Joint Legal Custody	234	(1)
The Noncustodial Parent in a Sole Custody Arrangement	235	(1)
When a Mother Decides to Give Up Custody	236	(1)
A Parent Is a Parent Is a Parent	237	(2)
22 Breaking the News	239	(1)
When to Tell Your Children	239	(1)
How to Tell Your Children	240	(1)
What to Tell Your Children	240	(3)
Helping Children Deal with Intense Emotion and Pain	243	(6)
Dealing With Fears	244	(1)
Dealing With Blame	245	(1)
Dealing With Anger	245	(1)
When a Child Is Abandoned	245	(4)
23 Visitation Schedules That Work for Everyone	249	(3)
When Parents Live Apart	249	(1)
It's All About Attitude	250	(2)
Age-Appropriate Visitation	252	(3)
Infancy to Two-and-a-Half Years	252	(1)
Two-and-a-Half to Five Years	253	(1)
Six to Eight Years	253	(1)
Nine to Twelve Years	254	(1)
Thirteen to Eighteen Years	254	(1)
Scheduled for Success	255	(1)
If at First You Don't Succeed	256	(1)
Keeping the Joy in Holidays Despite the Divorce	257	(1)
Long-Distance Parenting	258	(1)
Managing Visitation in High-Conflict Situations	259	(3)
The Role of the Parenting Coordinator	261	(1)
Advice from Those Who Know Best	262	(3)
24 Two Parents, Two Homes	265	(1)
Six Strategies for Helping Your Kids with Change	266	(1)
Making the Exchange Smoothly	267	(1)
Seeing Your Ex as Your Child's Parent	267	(1)
Shielding Your Children from Conflict	267	(1)
Children Who Fight Visitation	268	(5)
Custodial Parent Q&A	269	(1)
Noncustodial Parent Q&A	269	(1)
Go with the Flow	270	(1)
The Anxiety of Transition for the Littlest Children	271	(1)
When a Parent Is Maligned	271	(2)
If You Suspect Abuse	273	(2)
25 Single Parenting	275	(1)
A New Beginning: Just You and the Kids	275	(1)
If You Are the Custodial Parent (or If You Spend More Time with the Kids)	276	(3)
Eat, Drink, and Be Merry	276	(1)
Working Single Parents and "Latch-Key" Kids	277	(1)
An Issue of Discipline	278	(1)
Caring for Yourself	278	(1)
If You Are the Noncustodial Parent (or If You Spend Less Time with the Kids)	279	(2)
Don't Overdo It	280	(1)
Your Enormous Responsibilities	281	(1)
The Ultimate Balancing Act: Parenting, Work, and a Life of Your Own	281	(2)
You Need Friends, Too	282	(1)
The Importance of Optimism	282	(1)
Needs Water and Sunlight: Nurturing Your Kids	283	(2)
26 Redefining the Family	285	(1)
Helping Your Kids Accept Your New Spouse	286	(1)
The Dynamics of the Stepfamily	287	(2)
How to Make Your Children Feel Welcome in Your New Family	289	(1)
How Stepparents See It	289	(1)
Half-Siblings, Stepsiblings, and the New Baby	290	(3)
27 Facing Your Feelings	293	(1)
The Heart of Darkness	294	(1)
Into the Light	294	(1)
A Life of Your Own	295	(1)
Rediscovering Your Sense of Self	296	(2)
Now That It's Over, It's Okay to Feel Angry	298	(1)
Dealing With Feelings of Guilt	299	(1)
The Life You Left Behind	300	(1)
When Doubt Lingers	301	(1)
How to Be Friendly with Your Ex	302
Appendixes
A The Complete Divorce Lexicon	305	(1)
B The Divorce Network: A Guide to Divorce Organizations	311	(1)
A Guide to National and State Divorce Laws on the Internet	321	(1)
D Suggested Reading	343	(10)
Index	353