The Difficult Child Expanded and Revised Edition

by Turecki, Stanley; Tonner, Leslie

• ISBN13: 9780553380361
• ISBN10: 0553380362
• Edition: 2nd
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2000-03-14
• Publisher: Bantam

Summary

Temperamentally difficult children confuse and upset even experienced parents and teachers. They are often demanding, defiant, stubborn, loud, impulsive, or wild. Some can be clingy, shy, negative, whiny, and picky. Most are impossible at bedtime, mealtimes, or in public places. Tantrums, even "meltdowns", are common. But even the worst behavior may not be your child's fault -- or yours, either!HOW TO HELP -- AND COPE WITH -- THE DIFFICULT CHILDDr. Stanley Turecki, one of the nation's most respected experts on children and discipline -- and himself the father of a once difficult child -- offers compassionate and practical advice to parents of hard-to-raise children. Based on his experience with thousands of families, his step-by-step approach shows you how to: Identify your child's temperament, using a ten-point checklist to pinpoint specific difficulties-- Manage typical conflicts expertly -- with kindness and firmness-- Make discipline more effective, so you punish much less-- Get support from schools, doctors, and other parents-- Understand ADHD, ADD, and other diagnoses, and decide if medication is right for your child-- Accept and respect your child as an individual-- Make the most of the creativity and positive potential of your difficult child

Author Biography

Stanley Turecki, M.D., is a child and family psychiatrist and the father of a once difficult child.  He is a diplomate of the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology, holds appointments at two New York hospitals, and is the physician-in-charge of the Difficult Child Center in New York City.  <br><br>Leslie Tonner is the author of two previous works of non-fiction and four novels.

Table of Contents

Questionnaire: Do You Have a Difficult Child?	p. ix
A Personal Introduction	p. xiii
Some Children Are Born Difficult	p. 1
Do You Know This Child?	p. 3
Mothers Under Siege	p. 28
The Ripple Effect	p. 43
"But Is He ADHD?"	p. 63
A Day in the Life of a Difficult Child	p. 86
A Program for Your Difficult Child	p. 103
Introduction	p. 105
Evaluating Your Situation: The Study Period	p. 109
Regaining Adult Authority: Discipline That Works	p. 128
Managing Temperament: Understanding in Action	p. 150
Putting It All Together: The Expert Parent	p. 182
Coping with a Difficult Infant: The First Year	p. 212
Beyond the Child: The Family and the World Outside	p. 225
If You Need Further Help: Working with Professionals	p. 248
Conclusion: What Does the Future Hold for My Child?	p. 274
Recommended Reading	p. 283
Appendix	p. 285
Index	p. 291
Table of Contents provided by Syndetics. All Rights Reserved.

Excerpts

Do You Have a Difficult Child?

FAMILY QUESTIONS:
ANSWER "YES" OR "NO"

1. Do you find your child hard to raise?

2. Do you find the child's behavior hard to understand?

3. Are you often battling the child?

4. Do you feel inadequate or guilty as a parent?

5. Is your marriage or family life being affected by the child?

CHILD QUESTIONS

The headings below identify possibly difficult areas of your child's temperament (his or her innate makeup). Rate your child, in an overall way, on each item, using this scale:

0 = No problem (never present or just a little)
1 = Moderate problem (sometimes present)
2 = Definite problem (often present)
3 = Extreme problem (nearly always or always)

HIGH ACTIVITY LEVEL: Restless, squirmy, fidgety; always into things, "hyper," makes you tired; "ran before he walked"; easily overstimulated; trouble sitting still or playing quietly; "motormouth"; hates to be confined; easily gets wild or "revved up."

IMPULSIVITY: Acts without thinking; quick hot temper, easily frustrated; impatient, excitable; interrupts, calls out, doesn't await turn; grabs or pushes; can lose control and become aggressive; can suddenly take off.

DISTRACTIBILITY: Has problems focusing and paying attention, especially if not really interested; trouble following instructions; doesn't "listen," tunes you out, daydreams; disorganized, forgetful.

HIGH INTENSITY: Loud voice; forceful, overwhelming; strong emotions whether miserable, angry, or happy.

IRREGULARITY: Unpredictable body rhythms; can't tell when he'll be hungry or tired, resulting in conflicts over meals and bedtime; wakes up at night; erratic toilet habits.

NEGATIVE PERSISTENCE: Very strong-willed, stubborn; goes on and on nagging, whining, or negotiating if wants something; relentless, won't give up, wears you down; gets "locked in"; may have long tantrums.

LOW SENSORY THRESHOLD: Physically, not emotionally sensitive; highly aware of color, light, appearance, texture, sound, smell, taste, or temperature (not necessarily all of these); "creative," but with strong and sometimes unusual preferences that can be embarrassing; bothered by bright lights and loud noises; particular, picky; clothes have to feel or look right; doesn't like the way many foods look, smell, or taste; feels too cold (or too hot) when no one else does.

INITIAL WITHDRAWAL: Shy and reserved with new adults and/or children; doesn't like new situations and unfamiliar settings; holds back or protests by crying, clinging, or tantruming if forced to go forward.

POOR ADAPTABILITY: Has trouble with transition and change of activity or routine; inflexible, notices minor details; gets used to things and won't give them up; can want the same clothes or foods over and over; "creature of habit"; even after initial response takes a long time to adapt.

NEGATIVE MOOD: Serious or cranky, doesn't show pleasure openly; not a "sunny" disposition.

WHAT YOUR RATING MEANS

FAMILY "YES"     CHILD               CONCLUSION

0-1          + 4-7 points          = Some difficult features

2-3          + 8-14 points         = Difficult child

4-5          + 15 or more points   = Very difficult child

If you recognize your child in this questionnaire, or suspect for other reasons that your child is indeed "difficult", then you need to know these basic facts:

Difficult children are normal. They are not emotionally disturbed, mentally ill, or brain damaged. Well-meaning relatives or other parents may have suggested that "something must be wrong with him." You may have worried a lot about this yourself. So let's get a new perspective. "Difficult" is very different from "abnormal." In today's climate, with ever-increasing numbers of children being "diagnosed," this is a very important distinction for parents to keep in mind.

Difficult children are like this because of their innate makeup. And that makeup is their inborn temperament. They are not like this because of something you as parents have done to them. It's not your fault. And it's not the child's fault, either. He didn't ask to be born difficult.

Difficult children are hard to raise. Of course, you know this already. But if you think of it as a basic fact of existence, it will help you cope better. This is the way your child is, but by understanding him better and learning about his temperament you will be able to manage him successfully. He will then be a great deal easier to raise.

Difficult children are not all the same. The picture differs depending on which areas of temperament come into play. Difficult children also range from the basically easy child with some difficult features, to the extreme of the very difficult, perhaps even impossible, child.

Difficult children make their parents feel angry, inadequate, or guilty. And these parental feelings can lead to one of the biggest problems with difficult children, a loss of parental authority. Parents feel their child no longer "listens" to them, that she is the one in control. Inconsistency and excessive punishment follow. "Nothing works" is the most common statement parents make about their efforts to discipline the child.

Difficult children can create marital strain, family discord, problems with siblings, and end up with emotional problems of their own

or

Difficult children can become positive, enthusiastic, perhaps even especially creative individuals if they are well managed when young. And teaching you how to do this is the goal of this book.

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Excerpted from The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki, Leslie Tonner
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.