Duh-Votions : Words of Wisdom for the Spiritually Challenged

by Sue Buchanan

• ISBN13: 9780310228653
• ISBN10: 0310228654
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 1999-09-01
• Publisher: Zondervan

Summary

Sue Buchanan charms audiences wherever she goes, revealing the terrible truth about herself: "I may as well tell you because you'll figure it out anyway: I'm not that deep. I'm shallow. But I'm deep for a shallow person. What I've found out about God is that he is totally trustworthy, and I can relax in his plans. And besides that, all he wants is -- Are you ready for this? -- for me to be his person. Just be his person, for heaven's sake! All I can say to that is, Duh! Who knows? Next I may be writing a six-volume Bible commentary!" Sue offers a merry and witty look at life from the "shallow" end of the gene pool in sixty fun devotions, sure to leave you laughing and pondering some of life's most important lessons. This very funny lady shows us all that we don't have to be "deep" to hear God's voice. All we have to do is listen and we'll find his message about love and redemption in even the smallest details of everyday life.

Table of Contents

Contents

Introduction

Perfect Dress, Perfect Earrings, Perfect Me

You in the Third Row . . . Stick ’em Up!

You’ll Find the Fruit of the Spirit in Plastic Bags Hanging from the Luggage Cart

If a Cow Laughed, Would Milk Come Out Her Nose?

Fishin’ Poles and Night Crawlers

A Clear Conscience Is Usually the Sign of a Bad Memory

I Never Would Have Lied, Lord, If It Hadn’t Been Country Music Week

One Person’s Art Is Another Person’s Junk

You Give Me Big Tip, I Give You Fancy Nail

Do Angels Really Wear Underwear?

And Don’t Go into Mr. McGregor’s Garden

The Summer of My Discontentment

A New Take on an Old Story

If You’re Euphoric, Things Can’t Be All That Bad

Can a Hog Be Vaccinated for Chicken Pox?

The Three Bears Go to Camelot

Of Mice and (just the) Men-tion of Traps

She Thought the Great Depression Was Her Marriage!

When I Get One More Hole Punched in My Card, I’ll Get a Freebie at House of Tattoos

Pardon Me, Sir, but There’s Icing on the Seat of Your Pants

An Electric Blanket for a Street Person?

When I Think About Heaven, I Think About All the Fancy Stuff!

You Don’t Have to Be a Theologian to “Get It”

Pecan Pie with Horseradish? It’s a Southern Thing

Two Shall Be As One; Then Again, Maybe Not!

We Thought They Were Asleep Till They Said Amen

Wayne! I’m Calling from Roswell. Will You Accept the Charges?

Men Are from Mars; Women Are from — Where Is That Again?

It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s a Funeral Home!

I Don’t Care for Your Clothes — but My Cat Would Love Them!

You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile. . . and Earrings!

What’s That About the Pope’s Ring?

Is It Just the Way I Am, or Is It Dunlap’s Disease?

My Husband Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead with a Green Pepper!

Pardon My Driving, I’m Reloading My Gun. No, Not Reloading My Gun — Praying! That’s It, I’m Praying!

Who Said Rattlesnakes Don’t Have Discernment?

You Can’t Put M&Ms in Alphabetical Order, Can You?

This Happened Long Before Bath and Body Shops

Replacement Parts and Other Techno-Wonders of the Modern Age

My Computer Has Memory, and Sometimes I Think It’s Holding a Grudge

Thanks for Calling, but I’m No Longer Doing Mother-Daughter Banquets

It’s a New Species: Part Man, Part Barcolounger!

Where I Come From, a Little Debbie Snack Cake Is a Vegetable

You Have the Right to Remain Silent; Anything You Say Will Be Misquoted and Held Against You

You Paid for Your Plane Ticket; Make Sure You Get Your Money’s Worth!

Is There a Greeting Card for a Bad Hair Day?

That Two-Piece Red Outfit You’re Wearing Is Lovely, but It Needs a Good Ironing

With Friends Like That, Who Needs Enemies?

A Sharp Tongue Kindles a Good Newspaper Column

After You’ve Gone Through 6,000 Brillo Pads, You Automatically Qualify for a Pair of Stuart Weitzman Shoe

I’ve Already Told You More Than I Know

He Gave Some to Be Spam Eaters and Others to Be Baloney Eaters

My Rod and My Reel, They Comfort Me

I Could Lose Myself in Thought, but Then Again, It’s Such Unfamiliar Territory

As Noah Said to His Wife, “Woodpeckers Could Actually Be a Bigger Threat Than the Storm Itself!”

Wanted: Official Church Quipster; No Experience Needed

Press Two to Try Out for the Easter Pageant

Petite Paw Prints in the Perfect Pumpkin Pie

To Play Eve in the Church Musical, It Will Be Necessary to Have Long Hair

Excerpts

Introduction
When it comes to daily devotions, there really are people out there who hold the Bible in front of them, let it fall open, then point and read! I’m one of those people. Don’t pretend to be shocked. You bought this book!
For many years I tried to hide the fact that I’m not a spiritual giant — that I am, in fact, quite shallow. Then I wrote a book, then another (Who said you have to be deep to write a book?), and my publisher insisted I be out there speaking in order for the book to sell.
So now I’m a Christian speaker, which proves once and for all that God has a terrific sense of humor. I’m so shallow when it comes to Bible knowledge that for years I thought Solomon had 500 wives and 500 porcupines, and that Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night. When someone mentions the great religious author and intellectual Francis Shaeffer, I still have to ask, “Is that a man or a woman?”
Once at an Evangelical Christian Publishers’ awards banquet, where all the top books in the industry are honored, I overheard this comment about the guest speaker, a prolific and well-loved author: “Well, he certainly is a better writer than he is a speaker.”
Those words haunted me when I began to accept speaking dates, so I decided to tell my audience the truth right up front. I say, “I may as well tell you, because you’ll figure it out anyway: I’m not that deep.” They laugh. “I’m shallow.” They laugh. “But I’m deep for a shallow person.” They laugh again. But here’s what’s really funny! Afterward a lot of people — I’m talkin’ a lot of people — come up to me and say, “I’m just like you. I’m shallow too! I’ve just never admitted it before.”
I’m beginning to think there are more people like me than there are like them — and you know who the thems are! They are the ones who know who begot whom and can explain why the Holy Scripture insists that the “ . . . meek will inherit the earth . . .” — when it seems to be the other way around.
I’ve not only used the “let-the-Bible-fall-open-and-point” method for my devotions, but I’ve been known to meditate for thirty minutes after passing one of those big neon church signs that proclaims such truths as “Do your givin’ while you’re livin’, then you’re knowin’ where it’s goin’.” That particular sign convinced me to hurry home and write out my check for missions. I have some sign ideas of my own, including, “Let God use you—everyone else in town has.”
Sometimes I ponder spiritual truths because of something another person says or does, or because I’ve listened to a tape or heard a song on the radio. Sometimes I even dare call it “devotions.” Perhaps the point of this book is that God can speak in unexpected ways, and you don’t have to be deep to hear his voice.
With this in mind, enjoy the book (be sure to buy one for your pastor — at least half of his congregation is shallow); and if by chance a message comes through, I hope it’s that God loves you no matter how deep or shallow you might be; that his message, which is about love and redemption, is so simple that even we (and we know who we are) can understand it. What he wants from us isn’t all that complicated. He wants us to see him and hear his voice in the craziness of everyday life.

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Excerpted from Duh-Votions: Words of Wisdom for the Spiritually Challenged by Sue Buchanan
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.