The Emotionally Absent Mother; A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed

by Jasmin Lee Cori, M.S., L.P.C.

• ISBN13: 9781615190287
• ISBN10: 1615190287
• Format: Trade Paper
• Copyright: 2010-09-14
• Publisher: Experiment, The

Summary

If your mother was too tired, too busy, or too checked out to provide all the nurturing you needed for a strong foundation, this book is for you. It will help you identify what was missing, how this relates to your mother's own history and make-up, and what you can do now to fill the holes that were left by the mother who wasn't fully there. In "The Emotionally Absent Mother," licensed psychotherapist Jasmin Lee Cori provides clear ways to sort through your emotions and to heal the past. She shows that what you thought of as personal "defects" can sometimes be linked to mothering "deficits," relieving self-blame. And she offers suggestions for how these missing elements can be made up for "now"--whether through therapy, close relationships, or by providing them for yourself.

Author Biography

Jasmin Lee Cori, MS, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in working with adults who experienced childhood abuse and neglect. She has worked in human service agencies and private practice, and taught psychology in colleges and professional schools. She is the author of numerous articles and four previous books, including Healing From Trauma.

Table of Contents

Introduction	p. 1
Mothering	p. 7
Mother as the tree of Life	p. 7
Mommy is what we are made of	p. 9
Who can mother?	p. 10
The good-enough mother	p. 11
Good Mother messages	p. 12
What happens when Good Mother messages are absent?	p. 16
What does it mean to be undermothered?	p. 18
The Many Faces of the Good Mother	p. 20
Mother as Source	p. 21
Mother as Place of Attachment	p. 23
Mother as First Responder	p. 25
Mother as Modulator	p. 26
Mother as Nurturer	p. 30
Mother as Mirror	p. 31
Mother as Cheerleader	p. 34
Mother as Mentor	p. 35
Mother as Protector	p. 39
Mother as Home Base	p. 40
Attachment: Our First Foundation	p. 42
How do we become attached, and what is secure attachment?	p. 42
Why is attachment so important?	p. 44
How can I know if I was securely attached to my mother?	p. 46
What if I wasn't securely attached? How would that look?	p. 47
What is attachment-related trauma?	p. 54
Maybe I wasn't securely attached to my mother, but is it really fair to hold her responsible?	p. 54
Can I still develop secure attachments if I've only partially done so in the past? How would this help me?	p. 55
Identifying attachment figures	p. 56
What is my attachment style?	p. 57
Can I have more than one style?	p. 60
Does my relationship with my mother really affect later relationships?	p. 61
How difficult is it to change attachment patterns?	p. 62
More Building Blocks	p. 63
Feeling safe and secure	p. 63
A happy home	p. 65
When things go wrong, they can be fixed!	p. 66
A sense of belonging	p. 67
The budding self	p. 67
A place to grow	p. 68
Support for being a child	p. 70
Touch	p. 71
Love is the medium, love is the message	p. 73
Mommy, Where Were You?	p. 75
The hole where Mother was supposed to be	p. 75
The need for Mother's physical presence	p. 77
What happens when Mother is not emotionally present?	p. 78
Mutual standoff	p. 81
Thirty possible reasons Mother wasn't there	p. 83
How a child interprets Mommy's absence	p. 85
When Mother is the only one there	p. 86
Original Loss	p. 91
Voices of the Undermothered	p. 93
Who was that masked woman?	p. 93
Slim pickin's from Mom	p. 95
Lack of mentoring	p. 97
Missed connections	p. 98
The mechanical mom	p. 99
Is anyone watching? Does anyone care?	p. 101
Culeless	p. 103
No place to go for help	p. 103
Feeling like a motherless child	p. 105
No mother, no self	p. 107
No anchor	p. 108
Common challenges of the undermothered	p. 108
What helps	p. 113
Healing Mother Wounds	p. 117
The cover-up	p. 117
Discovering the wound	p. 118
Reframing "defects" as deficits	p. 119
Working through your feelings	p. 120
Journaling	p. 122
The healing power of anger	p. 123
Leaving the past	p. 126
Psychotherapy: Mother Issues and Mothering Needs	p. 128
Parallels with the Good Mother	p. 130
Special considerations in attachment-oriented work	p. 132
Touch in therapy	p. 134
Re-mothering	p. 135
From isolation to secure attachment	p. 139
Therapist as "Teaching Mommy"	p. 141
Connecting with Good Mother Energy	p. 143
Opening to the Good Mother	p. 143
Archetypes	p. 144
Working with imagery and symbols	p. 145
Help from the Divine Mother	p. 146
Taking on the "good" of the Good Mother	p. 147
A second chance at finding a Good Mother	p. 148
Meeting mothering needs with partners	p. 149
Your portable Good Mother	p. 157
Inner Child Work	p. 159
An introduction to inner child work	p. 159
The child as mother to the self	p. 162
"Partswork"	p. 163
Becoming your own best mother	p. 167
Creating a safe place for the child	p. 170
Time together	p. 171
Working with Good Mother messages	p. 171
Healing the unloved child	p. 173
Changing your mind	p. 174
More Healing Steps and Practical Strategies	p. 175
Identifying specific "holes"	p. 176
Taking a proactive approach	p. 178
The hole of support	p. 179
Getting support now	p. 181
A sense of confidence	p. 183
Navigating the world of emotions	p. 185
A place in the web	p. 188
Showing up and being seen	p. 189
Embracing your needs	p. 190
Practicing good self-care	p. 192
Cultivating a capacity for intimacy	p. 193
Protecting what is precious	p. 194
Finding your power	p. 195
Stepping out of deprivation consciousness	p. 197
General tonics	p. 200
Changing the Story	p. 202
Your mother's story	p. 202
Your story	p. 206
The dance between you	p. 207
How do I not pass this along to my children?	p. 208
What about Mother?	p. 209
Holding your process/holding your self	p. 211
Does healing ever end?	p. 212
Appendix	p. 214
Notes	p. 216
Resources	p. 220
Acknowledgments	p. 223
Index	p. 224
About the Author	p. 228
Table of Contents provided by Ingram. All Rights Reserved.