The Get-over-yourself Self-help Book and Other Essays: The Collected Works of a Misunderstood Curmudgeon

by Shawcross, Sylvia

• ISBN13: 9781462060863
• ISBN10: 1462060862
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2011-11-18
• Publisher: Author Solutions

Excerpts

HOW TO LEAD A SIMPLE LIFE I got to thinking one day: how many books are there out there these days teaching us all how to live a simple life? In a stressed out world where time is money and money is time and people have already forgotten what they've just learned in pursuit of what they need to learn, even books teaching us how to lead a simple life are getting complicated. But you know the world is just a reflection of who we are as a society. Since this seems pretty obvious then we end up with a basic if/then equation: there's only one conclusion—the world is complicated because "we're complicated." We don't need to learn how to live a simple life; we need to learn how to live a simpleton's life... Plain and simple. Here's my small effort for the betterment of people's lives: nine days to a simpleton's life. I guarantee you, if you follow this nine-day program, you'll feel calm, quiet, spiritually renewed, and generally happy in a simple world. Day One: Do not learn anything. Begin the day by stretching widely and saying this mantra: "I need space. I need space. I need space." This acquaints you with the basic premise of the simpleton's life: you are not a warehouse of useless information. Next, get a giant plastic bag and put in it anything that needs to be plugged in, makes artificial noise, has buttons, lights up when you enter the room or comes with a brochure, manual or CD. These things just occupy the left side of your brain that can easily be cleared out for less significant things. Finish your day by repeating the simpleton's mantra: "I need space. I need space. I need space." Day Two: Give up environmental correctness. The mantra for the day is: "I am not part of nature and I don't give a damn." If you have bought a house in an environmentally friendly community, give it away immediately. Do not try to sell it. There would be papers and math involved. Buying a house in such a community might entail the dreadfully tedious proposition of actually sorting your garbage. By renting in an environmentally hostile community you can now drag your plastic bag to the curb, brush off your hands and eliminate the space in your brain that has been hitherto occupied by thoughts of paper, Styrofoam, glass, metal, various grades of plastic, composting, water quality, ozone holes, global warming, the horror of pesticides or organic gardening. By renting, you've managed to also clear out an area hitherto occupied by learning how to fix things around the house. This is a very large part of the brain now only occupied by the number of your building's superintendent. Look in the mirror and congratulate yourself. Repeat: "I need space" three times. Go to bed for the balance of the day. Day Three: Do not plan for anything. The mantra for the day is: " I will never consider contingencies until they come up." It's about the moment. It's not how you think. It's how you feel and how much space is in your brain. There is only one place and time: here and now. There is no past. There is no future. To clear additional space in your brain spend the day eating whatever you want. Do not count calories, protein, fat content, starches, ounces, or kilowatts. Do not read any labels on food containers. Steer clear of organic food and any cookbooks that require you to do anything other than boil things in a big pot. Smoke, drink, and generally wander about aimlessly. Do not read any self-help books except this one. Put all other books in a plastic bag curbside. Repeat: "I need space" three times. Go to bed for the balance of the day.