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If it had not been for my fiance's alcoholic cousin Mookie I feelquite sure that my daddy would still be a member in good standing atthe Oconee Hills Country Club. But Mookie can't drink hard liquor.She can drink beer and wine all day and all night and not bat an eyelash,but give her a mai-tai or, God forbid, a margarita, and you areasking for trouble.
It was my rehearsal dinner, which the Jernigans were hosting, andI was the bride-to-be, so I don't believe I should have been the one responsiblefor keeping a grown woman and mother of two away fromthe margarita machine, even if she was one of the bridesmaids.
Nonetheless, I was the one standing there when Mookie wentspinning out of control across the dance floor, and I was the one whogot sprayed with a good six ounces of strawberry margarita. Andacross the front of my blue raw silk Tahari dress too.
"For God's sake," snapped GiGi, my mother-in-law-to-be. She ofcourse had neatly sidestepped Mookie, leaving her own pale pinkbeaded gown spotless. "I told you not to have her in the wedding. Youknow how she gets."
"Keeley," Mookie yelped, lunging at me with her half-empty glass."I am sooooo sorry. Let me help you get cleaned up."
She proceeded to dump the rest of her drink down my back.
"It's fine," I said, gritting my teeth. "Just a little spot."
Mookie's mother, who is used to this kind of behavior, snatchedher up by the arm and started dragging her toward the door so shewouldn't cause any more of a scene, and all the women closed ranksaround me, dabbing and fussing until I wanted to scream.
Actually, I'd been wanting to scream for several weeks now.
Enough! Enough parties. Enough presents. Enough luncheons and teas, enough sappy wedding showers, enough family and friendsoohing and aahing over the perfect couple.
A.J. had had enough too. "Can't we just go somewhere and screwour brains out for a couple weeks, then come back and be normal?"he'd asked the night before the rehearsal dinner.
It had been a busy week. I'd already endured the "Sip 'n See Tea,"where everybody in the county came by my daddy's house to pawover my wedding loot, and the bridesmaids' luncheon where GiGilet it be known that she thought it was awful my mama hadn't beeninvited to the wedding. As if I even knew where Mama had been livingfor the past twenty-some years.
And that was just the solo stuff. That very night A.J. and I hadsuffered through the "His 'n Her Barbecue Shower" given by one ofhis former fraternity brothers.
At the time he asked this question, A.J. was modeling the HotStuff! barbecue apron and padded oven mitt, which had been ashower gift from his Aunt Norma. To be perfectly honest, A.J. wasnaked under the apron. And he wasn't wearing the mitt where hisAunt Norma had intended.
I had A.J. backed into the corner with the barbecue tongs, andthen one thing led to another, and pretty soon we were rolling aroundon the floor of his apartment, and my chef's hat came off along withthe rest of my clothes, and the next thing you know, A.J. was havingone of his attacks.
"Hee-upp! Hee-upp." His whole body arched backward. I pushedhim away, not startled really. A.J. gets like that sometimes when he's,uh, in the throes.
"Breathe, baby, breathe," I instructed, slithering out from underhim.
"No," he managed, between hiccups. "Don't stop, Keeley." Hetried to pull me back down. "Come on. I'll be all right."
"Hee-upp! Hee-upp! Hee-upp." His body jerked violently witheach hiccup. I was afraid he'd hurt himself. Hell, I was afraid he'd hurt me. Not to mention that I don't find fits of uncontrollable hiccupsmuch of a turn-on. Not even when the hiccupper is the love ofmy life.
I scrambled to my feet, ran to the sink, and filled a cup with water."Come on, A.J.," I said, helping him to his feet. "It's better if youstand up. Come on, sugar, drink some water for Keeley."
"I (hee) don't (up) want any damn hee-uppp! water," A.J. stuttered.But he took a sip anyway.
"Another one," I urged, rubbing his bare back. He caught my freehand and slid it down his belly. The man never stops trying.
"No, now," I said, giggling and moving away. He pulled me backtoward him. I held out the cup. "Not until you drink all this water."
He frowned but started sipping.
"Go slower," I said. "You know it's the only thing that works."
"I know what works," he said, getting that look in his eye again."Come back over here and rub on me again."
But I'd picked up my clothes and was already hurrying into thebedroom to get dressed.
"Hey!" he called after me. "That wasn't the deal."
I pushed the button on the doorknob. "I know," I called throughthe locked door. "I tricked you."
By the time he found the key to the bedroom door I was just zippingmy skirt.
"Aw, Keeley," he said, his lip thrust out in that adorable pout ofhis. "I wanted us to do it one more time tonight."
I tried to kiss the pout away, but he wasn't having it.
"A.J.," I said, pushing his hands away from the button he was unfastening.
"Now, really. The wedding's just a few days away. I have anearly morning meeting and a ton of stuff to do. I can't be staying overhere fooling around with you all night."
"Come on, baby," he whispered, sliding the zipper on my skirtdown while pushing my skirt up toward my waist. "Once we're married,it won't be as much fun as this. We'll be all legal and stuff."
Hissy Fit
Excerpted from Hissy Fit by Mary Kay Andrews
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
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