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| One Happiness Place | p. 1 |
| Elevators Away | p. 4 |
| Class Joints | p. 7 |
| How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children | p. 10 |
| Yoo Hoo Taxi | p. 14 |
| Urban Cowperson | p. 18 |
| Wedding Announcements | p. 21 |
| Big Doings on 18 | p. 25 |
| Gefilte Pirates: Scourge of South Bay | p. 28 |
| Real Estate Listings | p. 31 |
| Making the Inner Circle | p. 36 |
| Notes from the Alumni | p. 40 |
| Chain of Fools | p. 45 |
| Exitus | p. 49 |
| Shrink Strike | p. 54 |
| A Frinker by any other Name | p. 57 |
| Frumkes' Rules of Order | p. 61 |
| Applying for the Job | p. 66 |
| Letters of Recommendation | p. 70 |
| Too Busy Going to the Job to Make any Real Money? | p. 76 |
| Run, Run, Run | p. 81 |
| Highlights of the Great International Film Festival and Cook-Off | p. 84 |
| The Social Clime | p. 88 |
| Aerobic Typing | p. 92 |
| Willard's Words | p. 96 |
| Met Given $10 Million Drug Collection | p. 100 |
| Looking for La Creme De La Crude | p. 104 |
| Research Indicates Cars May Talk | p. 109 |
| A Guide to the Lesser Sheiks | p. 113 |
| Coup Coup in the Seychelles | p. 117 |
| Exotic Gifts from Larry and Harry | p. 120 |
| Cuba Libre | p. 125 |
| Bunny Burgermeister Loves Books | p. 128 |
| The New Punctuation | p. 132 |
| Sending Parents off to Camp | p. 136 |
| Preparing Easter Eggs for the Holiday Season | p. 140 |
| Tag-Sale Terror | p. 144 |
| A Volley of Words | p. 148 |
| Magic on my Mind | p. 157 |
| The Book of Lisps | p. 161 |
| Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind | p. 165 |
| The Sushi of Life | p. 168 |
| Fundamental Principles of Hysteria | p. 172 |
| Space Chat | p. 175 |
| The Shape of Things to Come | p. 180 |
| The Case of Child C | p. 184 |
| TV Special | p. 189 |
| An Official Register of Important Names | p. 193 |
| Horoscope | p. 198 |
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