I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye : Surviving, Coping and Healing after the Sudden Death of a Loved One

by Noel, Brook

• ISBN13: 9781891400278
• ISBN10: 1891400274
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2000-03-01
• Publisher: Sourcebooks Inc

Summary

Now there is a hand to hold... Each year about eight million Americans suffer the death of a close family member. The list of high visibility disasters, human suffering and sudden loss in long and will continue to grow. From TWA Flight 800 to Egypt Air 990, from Oklahoma City to Columbine, daily we face incomprehensible loss. Outside the publicized tragedies there are many families and individuals that are suffering behind closed doors in our neighborhoods, in our own homes, in hospital waiting rooms. Now for those who face the challenges of sudden death, there is a hand to hold written by two women who have experience sudden loss. In a book that will touch, comfort, uplift and console, authors Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D. explore sudden death and its role in the cycle of life. Tapping the personal histories of both authors and numerous interviews, I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye shows grieving readers how to endure, survive and grow from the pain and turmoil surrounding human loss. For survivors this valuable book provides a rock-steady anchor from which to weather the storm of pain and begin to rebuild their lives.

Table of Contents

Part One: Journey through Grief
The Starting Point	3	(8)
Notes for the First Few Weeks	11	(9)
Treat yourself as if you were in intensive care	12	(1)
Someone to take calls	12	(1)
Seek assistance	13	(1)
Don't worry about contacting people	13	(1)
Let your body lead you	13	(1)
Religious traditions	14	(1)
Wills and arrangements	15	(1)
Expect to be distracted	15	(1)
Have someone near you	15	(1)
The help of friends	15	(3)
Handout for those close to you	18	(2)
Understanding The Emotional and Physical Affects of Grief	20	(16)
Exhaustion	21	(1)
Days of distraction	22	(1)
Grief knows no schedule	23	(1)
Physical symptoms	24	(1)
Grief and dreams	24	(1)
If you don't dream	25	(1)
If you do dream	25	(1)
Troublesome dreams	26	(1)
Communication dreams	27	(2)
Feeling the presence of the deceased	29	(1)
The world becomes dreamlike	30	(1)
A time to withdraw	30	(1)
Impulsive living	31	(1)
Instant replays and obsessive thoughts	31	(1)
The ``If Only'' mind game	32	(1)
Anger	33	(1)
Fear	34	(2)
The World is Upside Down	36	(11)
Assumptions are shattered	37	(1)
When faith is shattered	38	(2)
Loss of purpose	40	(1)
Redefining ourselves	41	(1)
What matters?	42	(1)
Finding a beginning, middle and end	42	(3)
Why did this happen?	45	(2)
The Stages of Grief	47	(11)
Shock	48	(1)
Denial	49	(1)
Depression	49	(1)
Anger	50	(1)
Acceptance	51	(1)
Complicated mourning	52	(1)
The first year	53	(1)
The second year	54	(1)
The third year	54	(1)
Multiple grief	55	(1)
Will I ever get over it?	55	(1)
Warning signs	56	(2)
Myths and Misunderstandings of the Grieving Process	58	(8)
Grief Blocks	66	(10)
Relating to Others	76	(8)
Too close to home	76	(1)
You are a different person	77	(1)
It's okay to laugh	78	(1)
The ten-day syndrome	79	(1)
Repeating the story	80	(1)
Awkward questions	81	(1)
Non-traditional relationships	82	(1)
Going back to work	82	(2)
Helping Children Cope With Grief	84	(10)
Babies	85	(1)
Toddlers	85	(2)
Young children	87	(1)
Adolescents	87	(2)
Teenagers to young adults	89	(3)
General guidelines	92	(2)
Special Occasions and Challenges	94	(11)
The ambush	94	(1)
Birthdays	95	(1)
Anniversaries	95	(2)
Weddings	97	(1)
Holidays	98	(1)
Holiday traditions	98	(2)
Where does one go during the holidays?	100	(1)
Happy new year?	101	(1)
Looking toward next year	102	(3)
Part Two: Sharing our Stories
The Loss of a Friend	105	(7)
Some things you can do	110	(2)
The Loss of a Parent	112	(8)
Some things you can do	118	(2)
The Loss of a Child	120	(23)
Extreme emotions	121	(1)
Losing an adult child	122	(4)
Suicide	126	(4)
Common reactions to suicide	130	(1)
Questions and suicide	130	(1)
Religion and suicide	131	(1)
The stigma of suicide	131	(2)
Your relationship with your partner	133	(1)
Grieving styles: the differences between men and women	134	(2)
Grieving guidelines for men and their partners	136	(2)
Guidelines for grieving couples	138	(2)
Single parents	140	(3)
The Loss of a Partner	143	(17)
Loss of identity	143	(1)
Circles of friends	144	(1)
Lingering memories and images	145	(7)
Learning to do things alone	152	(1)
Funeral arrangements	152	(2)
When one parent is doing the job of two	154	(1)
For parents who have surviving children	155	(2)
Will I ever love again?	157	(1)
Seeking purpose	158	(1)
Some things you can do	159	(1)
The Loss of a Sibling	160	(11)
Being overlooked in the grieving process	160	(1)
Double the loss	161	(1)
Identity through a sibling	161	(1)
We fought so much	162	(1)
No one understands	162	(4)
Some things you can do	166	(5)
Part Three: Pathways through Grief
Pathways Through Grief: Questions and Answers	171	(14)
Self-Help and Therapy	185	(17)
Self-help books	187	(1)
FAQ about self help and therapy	187	(4)
Some therapies that can be useful	191	(4)
Alternative solutions: herbs, therapies and other techniques	195	(1)
Sadness	195	(1)
Feeling depleted	196	(1)
Depression	196	(1)
Inability to cry	197	(1)
Fatigue	197	(1)
Guilt	198	(1)
Headaches	198	(1)
Distraction	199	(1)
Forgetfulness	199	(1)
Lack of concentration	199	(1)
Stomach discomfort	200	(1)
Anxiety	200	(1)
Insomnia	200	(2)
Grief Recovery Exercises	202	(23)
Anger exercise	204	(1)
Thank you exercise	205	(2)
The search for meaning	207	(2)
Learning through loss	209	(2)
What my loved one has left me	211	(1)
Screaming exercise	212	(1)
Define your priorities	213	(1)
Coping with guilt	214	(1)
Poetry	215	(1)
The gratitude journal	216	(2)
Calming	218	(1)
Visualization	219	(2)
Rituals	221	(2)
Memory books	223	(2)
Resources and Support	225	(34)
Supportive publications	225	(1)
Support for loss of a partner	226	(2)
Support for grieving children	228	(2)
Support for the lost of a child	230	(6)
General bereavement support	236	(4)
Support for loss through suicide	240	(2)
Support for sibling loss	242	(1)
General books for adults	242	(3)
Books about grief recovery	245	(1)
Books for grieving men	246	(1)
Books about the loss of a friend	247	(1)
Books about helping someone who is grieving	247	(1)
Books about the loss of a child	248	(1)
General books for professionals	249	(1)
Books for children, teens and their caregivers	250	(4)
Books about death of a mate	254	(1)
Books about losing a parent	255	(1)
Books about suicide	256	(1)
Books for helping professionals	257	(2)
Where Am I Now? / Notes from the Authors	259	(4)
Appendix / Worksheets and Forms	263	(8)
The memorial service	264	(2)
The eulogy	266	(2)
A checklist of calls to make	268	(1)
Friends support group invitation	269	(2)
Bibliography	271	(6)
Index	277	(3)
How to Contact the Authors	280	(1)
Mailing List	280	(1)
About the Authors	281	(1)
Other Champion Press, Ltd. Titles	282

Excerpts

Excerpt from Part One: An Unfamiliar World: The Journey Into Grief When sudden loss enters our reality, we awaken in an unfamiliar world. In this first section, we explore this unwelcome place and offer ideas to help navigate through the darkness. If you have purchased or been given this book in the immediate days or weeks after the death of your loved one, please read Chapter Two: Notes for the first few weeks, as your energy allows. Come back to the rest of this book as you are ready. Chapter Three provides important insight to the emotional and physical aspects of grief. In this unfamiliar place we notice we are forgetful, distracted, and exhausted, and we wonder if we are "going crazy." This chapter can help you understand the many ways we react to loss. In Chapter Four we explore the many myths and misunderstandings that surround the grieving process. Over the years we have received countless letters from readers who found this myth-busting section to be one that offers peace amidst chaos. You will also find our stories in this section. We share them with you because we believe that people who have shared sudden loss firsthand can offer a level of understanding, compassion, and hope to one another. We share our stories in hope that in your darkest hours you can read them for reassurance knowing that life does go on and that this unfamiliar world can be survived. Chapter One: The Starting Point: Notes from the Authors "What we call the beginning is often the end. To make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." -T.S. Eliot Pam's Story I believe no matter how much pain we're in, there is something inside of us stronger than the pain. That something allows survivors of the worst tragedies to want to live and tell their stories. You can see it in the eyes of someone who has managed to hang on to their dignity in the midst of adversity. It's a kind of stubbornness. You can call it God, the soul, or the human spirit. It is found only when we have been oppressed, or broken, or abandoned, and we remain the one who holds onto what's left. It is this inner something that has allowed me to go on in the face of tremendous loss. I remember all the vivid, surrealistic details of that morning. The smell of fresh ground coffee brewing lingered in the air as I came to consciousness. I was trying to squeeze one or two more minutes out of my warm bed and feather pillow when the phone rang. Grabbing at the intrusive noise, I put the receiver to my ear and heard nothing but the sound of someone trying to catch her breath. I thought it might be one of those weird "breather" calls until I heard LeAnne say, "Pam, George is in a coma . . . (long pause) . . . he had a hemorrhage or something." I felt the molecules in the air begin to thicken as I tried to take a breath so I could talk to George's younger sister. "LeAnne, where are you? What do you mean? I just saw George yesterday afternoon. He looked fine!" Crying and gasping for air, she replied in a thin voice, "You and Ian have to come here-to the hospital. I think it's important that you bring Ian here now." I tried to remain rational as I remembered that Ian, my twelve-year-old son with George, was getting ready to bolt down the stairs on his way to school. I still needed to pack his lunch box. I thought, Why is LeAnne bothering me with this? I'm sure it's just nothing. After all, George is young and healthy (and handsome). Comas don't happen to people like him. They don't happen to people I know. "LeAnne, why don't we wait and see. He'll probably come to. And besides, Ian is just about to leave for school and he has a test today. Why don't you call back in a few minutes after you have more information and I'll bring him down to the hospital later. It's probably not as bad as . . ." She interrupted my rambling with a bold, deliberate, almost cold intonation in her voice. "Now. You have to com