The Innocents Abroad

by TWAIN, MARKJACOBS, JANE

• ISBN13: 9780812967050
• ISBN10: 0812967054
• Format: Trade Paper
• Copyright: 2003-02-11
• Publisher: Modern Library

Summary

The Innocents Abroadis one of the most prominent and influential travel books ever written about Europe and the Holy Land. In it, the collision of the American "New Barbarians" and the European "Old World" provides much comic fodder for Mark Twainand a remarkably perceptive lens on the human condition. Gleefully skewering the ethos of American tourism in Europe, Twain's lively satire ultimately reveals just what it is that defines cultural identity. As Twain himself points out, "Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime." And Jane Jacobs observes in her Introduction, "If the reader is American, he may also find himself on a tour of his own psyche."

Author Biography

<b>Jane Jacobs</b>’s books include <i>The Nature of Economies and The Death</i> and <i>Life of Great American Cities</i>, both of which are available in Modern Library clothbound editions. She lives in Toronto.

Table of Contents

Biographical Note	v
Introduction	xvii
Jane Jacobs
A Note on the Text	xxvii
Preface	xxxiii
THE INNOCENTS ABROAD
Chapter I	3	(8)
Popular Talk of the Excursion
Programme of the Trip
Duly Ticketed for the Excursion
Defection of the Celebrities
Chapter II	11	(4)
Grand Preparations
An Imposing Dignitary
The European Exodus
Mr. Blucher's Opinion
Stateroom No. 10
The Assembling of the Clans
At Sea at last
Chapter III	15	(4)
``Averaging'' the Passengers
``Far, far at Sea''
Tribulation among the Patriarchs
Seeking Amusement under Difficulties
Five Captains in the Ship
Chapter IV	19	(7)
The Pilgrims Becoming Domesticated
Pilgrim Life at Sea
``Horse-Billiards''
The ``Synagogue''
The Writing School
Jack's ``Journal''
The ``Q. C. Club''
The Magic Lantern
State Ball on Deck
Mock Trials
Charades
Pilgrim Solemnity
Slow Music
The Executive Officer Delivers an Opinion
Chapter V	26	(6)
Summer in Mid-Atlantic
An Eccentric Moon
Mr. Blucher Loses Confidence
The Mystery of ``Ship Time''
The Denizens of the Deep
``Land-Ho!''
The First Landing on a Foreign Shore
Sensation among the Natives
Something about the Azores Islands
Blucher's Disastrous Dinner
The Happy Result
Chapter VI	32	(6)
Solid Information
A Fossil Community
Curious Ways and Customs
Jesuit Humbuggery
Fantastic Pilgrimizing
Origin of the Russ Pavement
Squaring Accounts with the Fossils
At Sea Again
Chapter VII	38	(11)
A Tempest at Night
Spain and Africa on Exhibition
Greeting a Majestic Stranger
The Pillars of Hercules
The Rock of Gibraltar
Tiresome Repetition
``The Queen's Chair''
Serenity Conquered
Curiosities of the Secret Caverns
Personnel of Gibraltar
Some Odd Characters
A Private Frolic in Africa
Bearding a Moorish Garrison (without loss of life)
Vanity Rebuked
Disembarking in the Empire of Morocco
Chapter VIII	49	(5)
The Ancient City of Tangier, Morocco
Strange Sights
A Cradle of Antiquity
We become Wealthy
How they Rob the Mail in Africa
The Danger of being Opulent in Morocco
Chapter IX	54	(5)
A Pilgrim in Deadly Peril
How they Mended the Clock
Moorish Punishments for Crime
Marriage Customs
Looking Several ways for Sunday
Shrewd Practice of Mohammedan Pilgrims
Reverence for Cats
Bliss of being a Consul-General
Chapter X	59	(7)
Fourth of July at Sea
Mediterranean Sunset
The ``Oracle'' is Delivered of an Opinion
Celebration Ceremonies
The Captain's Speech
France in Sight
The Ignorant Native
In Marseilles
Another Blunder
Lost in the Great City
Found Again
A Frenchy Scene
Chapter XI	66	(5)
Getting ``Used to it''
No Soap
Bill of Fare, Table d'hote
``An American, Sir!''
A Curious Discovery
The ``Pilgrim'' Bird
Strange Companionship
A Grave of the Living
A Long Captivity
Some of Dumas' Heroes
Dungeon of the Famous ``Iron Mask''
Chapter XII	71	(10)
A Holiday Flight through France
Summer Garb of the Landscape
Abroad on the Great Plains
Peculiarities of French Cars
French Politeness
American Railway Officials
``Twenty Minutes to Dinner!''
Why there are no Accidents
The ``Old Travellers''
Still on the Wing
Paris at Last
French Order and Quiet
Place of the Bastile
Seeing the Sights
A Barbarous Atrocity
Absurd Billiards
Chapter XIII	81	(9)
More Trouble
Monsieur Billfinger
Re-Christening the Frenchman
In the Clutches of a Paris Guide
The International Exposition
Fine Military Review
Glimpse of the Emperor Napoleon and the Sultan of Turkey
Chapter XIV	90	(7)
The Venerable Cathedral of Notre-Dame
Jean Sanspeur's Addition
Treasures and Sacred Relics
The Legend of the Cross
The Morgue
The Outrageous Can-Can
Blondin Aflame
The Louvre Palace
The Great Park
Showy Pageantry
Preservation of Noted Things
Chapter XV	97	(10)
French National Burying-Ground
Among the Great Dead
The Shrine of Disappointed Love
The Story of Abelard and Heloise
``English Spoken Here''
``American Drinks Compounded Here''
Imperial Honors to an American
The Over-estimated Grisette
Departure from Paris
A Deliberate Opinion Concerning the Comeliness of American Women
Chapter XVI	107	(5)
Versailles
Paradise Regained
A Wonderful Park
Paradise Lost
Napoleonic Strategy
Chapter XVII	112	(8)
War
The American Forces Victorious
``Home Again''
Italy in Sight
The ``City of Palaces''
Beauty of the Genoese Women
The ``Stub-Hunters''
Among the Palaces
Gifted Guide
Church Magnificence
``Women not Admitted''
How the Genoese Live
Massive Architecture
A Scrap of Ancient History
Graves for 60,000
Chapter XVIII	120	(7)
Flying Through Italy
Marengo
First Glimpse of the Famous Cathedral
Description of some of its Wonders
A Horror Carved in Stone
An Unpleasant Adventure
A Good Man
A Sermon from the Tomb
Tons of Gold and Silver
Some More Holy Relics
Solomon's Temple Rivalled
Chapter XIX	127	(12)
``Do You Wis zo Haut can be?''
La Scala
Petrarch and Laura
Lucrezia Borgia
Ingenious Frescoes
Ancient Roman Amphitheatre
A Clever Delusion
Distressing Billiards
The Chief Charm of European Life
An Italian Bath
Wanted: Soap
Crippled French
Mutilated English
The Most Celebrated Painting in the World
Amateur Raptures
Uninspired Critics
Anecdote
A Wonderful Echo
A Kiss for a Franc
Chapter XX	139	(6)
Rural Italy by Rail
Fumigated, According to Law
The Sorrowing Englishman
Night by the Lake of Como
The Famous Lake
Its Scenery
Como compared with Tahoe
Meeting a Shipmate
Chapter XXI	145	(7)
The Pretty Lago di Lecco
A Carriage Drive in the Country
Astonishing Sociability in a Coachman
A Sleepy Land
Bloody Shrines
The Heart and Home of Priestcraft
A Thrilling Mediæval Romance
The Birthplace of Harlequin
Approaching Venice
Chapter XXII	152	(9)
Night in Venice
The ``Gay Gondolier''
The Grand Fete by Moonlight
The Notable Sights of Venice
The Mother of the Republics Desolate
Chapter XXIII	161	(11)
The Famous Gondola
The Gondola in an Unromantic Aspect
The Great Square of St. Mark and the Winged Lion
Snobs, at Home and Abroad
Sepulchres of the Great Dead
A Tilt at the ``Old Masters''
A Contraband Guide
The Conspiracy
Moving Again
Chapter XXIV	172	(8)
Down Through Italy by Rail
Idling in Florence
Dante and Galileo
An Ungrateful City
Dazzling Generosity
Wonderful Mosaics
The Historical Arno
Lost Again
Found Again, but no Fatted Calf Ready
The Leaning Tower of Pisa
The Ancient Duomo
The Old Original First Pendulum that Ever Swung
An Enchanting Echo
A New Holy Sepulchre
A Relic of Antiquity
A Fallen Republic
At Leghorn
At Home Again, and Satisfied, on Board the Ship
Our Vessel an Object of Grave Suspicion
Gen. Garibaldi Visited
Threats of Quarantine
Chapter XXV	180	(8)
The Works of Bankruptcy
Railway Grandeur
How to Fill an Empty Treasury
The Sumptuousness of Mother Church
Ecclesiastical Splendor
Magnificence and Misery
General Execration
More Magnificence
A Good Word for the Priests
Civita Vecchia the Dismal
Off for Rome
Chapter XXVI	188	(16)
The Modern Roman on His Travels
The Grandeur of St. Peter's
Holy Relics
Grand View from the Dome
The Holy Inquisition
Interesting Old Monkish Frauds
The Ruined Coliseum
The Coliseum in the Days of its Prime
Ancient Play-bill of a Coliseum Performance
A Roman Newspaper Criticism 1700 Years Old
Chapter XXVII	204	(11)
``Butchered to Make a Roman Holyday''
The Man who Never Complained
An Exasperating Subject
Asinine Guides
The Roman Catacombs
The Saint Whose Fervor Burst his Ribs
The Miracle of the Bleeding Heart
The Legend of Ara Cœli
Chapter XXVIII	215	(8)
Picturesque Horrors
The Legend of Brother Thomas
Sorrow Scientifically Analyzed
A Festive Company of the Dead
The Great Vatican Museum
Artist Sins of Omission
The Rape of the Sabines
Papal Protection of Art
High Price of ``Old Masters''
Improved Scripture
Scale of Rank of the Holy Personages in Rome
Scale of Honors Accorded Them
Fossilizing
Away for Naples
Chapter XXIX	223	(5)
Naples
In Quarantine at Last
Annunciation
Ascent of Mount Vesuvius
A Two-Cent Community
The Black Side of Neapolitan Character
Monkish Miracles
Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued
The Stranger and the Hackman
Night View of Naples from the Mountain-side
Ascent of Vesuvius Continued
Chapter XXX	228	(8)
Ascent of Vesuvius Continued
Beautiful View at Dawn
Less Beautiful View in the Back Streets
Ascent of Vesuvius Continued
Dwellings a Hundred Feet High
A Motley Procession
Bill of Fare for a Peddler's Breakfast
Princely Salaries
Ascent of Vesuvius Continued
An Average of Prices
The Wonderful ``Blue Grotto''
Visit to Celebrated Localities in the Bay of Naples
The Poisoned ``Grotto of the Dog''
A Petrified Sea of Lava
The Ascent Continued
The Summit Reached
Description of the Crater
Descent of Vesuvius
Chapter XXXI	236	(8)
The Buried City of Pompeii
How Dwellings Appear that have been Unoccupied for Eighteen Hundred Years
The Judgment Seat
Desolation
The Footprints of the Departed
``No Women Admitted''
Theatres, Bakeshops, Schools, etc.
Skeletons Preserved by the Ashes and Cinders
The Brave Martyr to Duty
Rip Van Winkle
The Perishable Nature of Fame
Chapter XXXII	244	(12)
At Sea Once More
The Pilgrims all Well
Superb Stromboli
Sicily by Moonlight
Scylla and Charybdis
The ``Oracle'' at Fault
Skirting the Isles of Greece
Ancient Athens
Blockaded by Quarantine and Refused Permission to Enter
Running the Blockade
A Bloodless Midnight Adventure
Turning Robbers from Necessity
Attempt to Carry the Acropolis by Storm
We Fail
Among the Glories of the Past
A World of Ruined Sculpture
A Fairy Vision
Famous Localities
Retreating in Good Order
Captured by the Guards
Travelling in Military State
Safe on Board Again
Chapter XXXIII	256	(10)
Modern Greece
Fallen Greatness
Sailing Through the Archipelago and the Dardanelles
Footprints of History
The First Shoddy Contractor of whom History gives any Account
Anchored Before Constantinople
Fantastic Fashions
The Ingenious Goose-Rancher
Marvellous Cripples
The Great Mosque
The Thousand and One Columns
The Grand Bazaar of Stamboul
Chapter XXXIV	266	(11)
Scarcity of Morals and Whiskey
Slave-Girl Market Report
Commercial Morality at a Discount
The Slandered Dogs of Constantinople
Questionable Delights of Newspaperdom in Turkey
Ingenious Italian Journalism
No More Turkish Lunches Desired
The Turkish Bath Fraud
The Narghileh Fraud
Jackplaned by a Native
The Turkish Coffee Fraud
Chapter XXXV	277	(5)
Sailing Through the Bosporus and the Black Sea
``Far-Away Moses''
Melancholy Sebastopol
Hospitality Received in Russia
Pleasant English People
Desperate Fighting
Relic Hunting
How Travellers Form ``Cabinets''
Chapter XXXVI	282	(3)
Nine Thousand Miles East
Imitation American Town in Russia
Gratitude that Came Too Late
To Visit the Autocrat of All the Russias
Chapter XXXVII	285	(10)
Summer Home of Royalty
Practising for the Dread Ordeal
Committee on Imperial Address
Reception by the Emperor and Family
Dresses of the Imperial Party
Concentrated Power
Counting the Spoons
At the Grand Duke's
A Charming Villa
A Knightly Figure
The Grand Duchess
A Grand Ducal Breakfast
Baker's Boy, the Famine-Breeder
Theatrical Monarchs a Fraud
Saved as by Fire
The Governor-General's Visit to the Ship
Official ``Style''
Aristocratic Visitors
``Munchausenizing'' with Them
Closing Ceremonies
Chapter XXXVIII	295	(7)
Return to Constantinople
We Sail for Asia
The Sailors Burlesque the Imperial Visitors
Ancient Smyrna
The ``Oriental Splendor'' Fraud
The ``Biblical Crown of Life''
Pilgrim Prophecy-Savans
Sociable Armenian Girls
A Sweet Reminiscence
``The Camels are Coming, Ha-ha!''
Chapter XXXIX	302	(5)
Smyrna's Lions
The Martyr Polycarp
The ``Seven Churches''
Remains of the Six Smyrnas
Mysterious Oyster Mine
Oysters Seeking Scenery
A Millerite Tradition
A Railroad Out of its Sphere
Chapter XL	307	(8)
Journeying Toward Ancient Ephesus
Ancient Ayassalook
The Villanous Donkey
A Fantastic Procession
Bygone Magnificence
Fragments of History
The Legend of the Seven Sleepers
Chapter XLI	315	(6)
Vandalism Prohibited
Angry Pilgrims
Approaching Holy Land!
The ``Shrill Note of Preparation''
Distress about Dragomans and Transportation
The ``Long Route'' Adopted
In Syria
Something about Beirout
A Choice Specimen of a Greek ``Ferguson''
Outfits
Hideous Horseflesh
Pilgrim ``Style''
What of Aladdin's Lamp?
Chapter XLII	321	(6)
``Jacksonville,'' in the Mountains of Lebanon
Breakfasting above a Grand Panorama
The Vanished City
The Peculiar Steed, ``Jericho''
The Pilgrim's Progress
Bible Scenes
Mount Hermon, Joshua's Battle-Fields, etc.
The Tomb of Noah
A Most Unfortunate People
Chapter XLIII	327	(6)
Patriarchal Customs
Magnificent Baalbec
Description of the Ruins
Scribbling Smiths and Joneses
Pilgrim Fidelity to the Letter of the Law
The Revered Fountain of Baalam's Ass
Chapter XLIV	333	(9)
Extracts from Note-Book
Mahomet's Paradise and the Bible's
Beautiful Damascus, the Oldest City on Earth
Oriental Scenes within the Curious Old City
Damascus Street Car
The Story of St. Paul
The ``Street called Straight''
Mahomet's Tomb and St. George's
The Christian Massacre
Mohammedan Dread of Pollution
The House of Naaman
The Horrors of Leprosy
Chapter XLV	342	(11)
The Cholera by way of Variety
Hot
Another Outlandish Procession
Pen-and-Ink Photograph of ``Jonesborough,'' Syria
Tomb of Nimrod, the Mighty Hunter
The Stateliest Ruin of All
Stepping over the Borders of Holy Land
Bathing in the Sources of Jordan
More ``Specimen''-Hunting
Ruins of Cesarea-Philippi
``On This Rock Will I Build my Church''
The People the Disciples Knew
The Noble Steed ``Baalbec''
Sentimental Horse Idolatry of the Arabs
Chapter XLVI	353	(8)
Dan
Bashan
Genessaret
A Notable Panorama
Smallness of Palestine
Scraps of History
Character of the Country
Bedouin Shepherds
Glimpses of the Hoary Past
Mr. Grimes's Bedouins
A Battle-Ground of Joshua
That Soldier's Manner of Fighting
Barak's Battle
The Necessity of Unlearning Some Things
Desolation
Chapter XLVII	361	(11)
Jack's Adventure
Joseph's Pit
The Story of Joseph
Joseph's Magnanimity and Esau's
The Sacred Lake of Genessaret
Enthusiasm of the Pilgrims
Why We did not Sail on Galilee
About Capernaum
Concerning the Saviour's Brothers and Sisters
Journeying toward Magdala
Chapter XLVIII	372	(9)
Curious Specimens of Art and Architecture
Public Reception of the Pilgrims
Mary Magdalen's House
Tiberias and its Queer Inhabitants
The Sacred Sea of Galilee
Galilee by Night
Chapter XLIX	381	(9)
The Ancient Baths
Ye Apparition
A Distinguished Panorama
The Last Battle of the Crusades
The Story of the Lord of Kerak
Mount Tabor
What one Sees from its Top
A Memory of a Wonderful Garden
The House of Deborah the Prophetess
Chapter L	390	(9)
Toward Nazareth
Bitten By a Camel
Grotto of the Annunciation, Nazareth
Noted Grottoes in General
Joseph's Workshop
A Sacred Bowlder
The Fountain of the Virgin
Questionable Female Beauty
Literary Curiosities
Chapter LI	399	(12)
The Boyhood of the Saviour
Unseemly Antics of Sober Pilgrims
Home of the Witch of Endor
Nain
Profanation
A Popular Oriental Picture
Biblical Metaphors Becoming steadily More Intelligible
The Shunem Miracle
The ``Free Son of the Desert''
Ancient Jezreel
Jehu's Achievements
Samaria and its Famous Siege
Chapter LII	411	(6)
A Curious Remnant of the Past
Shechem
The Oldest ``First Family'' on Earth
The Oldest Manuscript Extant
The Genuine Tomb of Joseph
Jacob's Well
Shiloh
Camping with the Arabs
Jacob's Ladder
More Desolation
Ramah, Beroth, the Tomb of Samuel, the Fountain of Beira
Impatience
Approaching Jerusalem
The Holy City in Sight
Noting its Prominent Features
Domiciled Within the Sacred Walls
Chapter LIII	417	(13)
``The Joy of the Whole Earth''
Description of Jerusalem
Church of the Holy Sepulchre
The Stone of Unction
The Grave of Jesus
Graves of Nicodemus and Joseph of Arimathea
Places of the Apparition
The Finding of the Three Crosses
The Legend
Monkish Impostures
The Pillar of Flagellation
The Place of a Relic
Godfrey's Sword
``The Bonds of Christ''
``The Center of the Earth''
Place whence the Dust was taken of which Adam was Made
Grave of Adam
The Martyred Soldier
The Copper Plate that was On the Cross
The Good St. Helena
Place of the Division of the Garments
St. Dimas, the Penitent Thief
The Late Emperor Maximilian's Contribution
Grotto wherein the Crosses were Found, and the Nails, and the Crown of Thorns
Chapel of the Mocking
Tomb of Melchizedek
Graves of Two Renowned Crusaders
The Place of the Crucifixion
Chapter LIV	430	(10)
The ``Sorrowful Way''
The Legend of St. Veronica's Handkerchief
An Illustrious Stone
House of the Wandering Jew
The Tradition of the Wanderer
Solomon's Temple
Mosque of Omar
Moslem Traditions
``Women not Admitted''
The Fate of a Gossip
Turkish Sacred Relics
Judgment Seat of David and Saul
Genuine Precious Remains of Solomon's Temple
Surfeited with Sights
The Pool of Siloam
The Garden of Gethsemane and Other Sacred Localities
Chapter LV	440	(14)
Rebellion in the Camp
Charms of Nomadic Life
Dismal Rumors
En Route for Jericho and The Dead Sea
Pilgrim Strategy
Bethany and the Dwelling of Lazarus
``Bedouins!''
Ancient Jericho
Misery
The Night March
The Dead Sea
An Idea of What a ``Wilderness'' in Palestine is
The Holy Hermits of Mars Saba
Good St. Saba
Women not Admitted
Buried from the World for all Time
Unselfish Catholic Benevolence
Gazelles
The Plain of the Shepherds
Birthplace of the Saviour, Bethlehem
Church of the Nativity
Its Hundred Holy Places
The Famous ``Milk'' Grotto
Tradition
Return to Jerusalem
Exhausted
Chapter LVI	454	(4)
Departure from Jerusalem
Samson
The Plain of Sharon
Arrival at Joppa
House of Simon the Tanner
The Long Pilgrimage Ended
Character of Palestine Scenery
The Curse
Chapter LVII	458	(7)
The Happiness of being at Sea once more
``Home'' as it is in a Pleasure-Ship
``Shaking Hands'' with the Vessel
Jack in Costume
His Father's Parting Advice
Approaching Egypt
Ashore in Alexandria
A Deserved Compliment for the Donkeys
Invasion of the Lost Tribes of America
End of the Celebrated ``Jaffa Colony''
Scenes in Grand Cairo
Shepheard's Hotel Contrasted with a Certain American Hotel
Preparing for the Pyramids
Chapter LVIII	465	(12)
``Recherche'' Donkeys
A Wild Ride
Specimens of Egyptian Modesty
Moses in the Bulrushes
Place where the Holy Family Sojourned
Distant view of the Pyramids
A Nearer View
The Ascent
Superb View from the top of the Pyramid
``Bucksheesh! Bucksheesh!''
An Arab Exploit
In the Bowels of the Pyramid
Strategy
Reminiscence of ``Holiday's Hill''
Boyish Exploit
The Majestic Sphynx
Things the Author will not Tell
Grand Old Egypt
Chapter LIX	477	(3)
Going Home
A Demoralized Note-Book
A Boy's Diary
Mere Mention of Old Spain
Chapter LX	480	(3)
Departure from Cadiz
A Deserved Rebuke
The Beautiful Madeiras
Tabooed
In the Delightful Bermudas
An English Welcome
Good-by to ``Our Friends the Bermudians''
Packing Trunks for Home
Our First Accident
The Long Cruise Drawing to a Close
At Home Amen
Chapter LXI	483	(7)
Thankless Devotion
A Newspaper Valedictory
Conclusion	490	(5)
Notes	495

Excerpts

Chapter 1

For months the great Pleasure Excursion to Europe and the Holy Land was chatted about in the newspapers every where in America, and discussed at countless firesides. It was a novelty in the way of Excursions—its like had not been thought of before, and it compelled that interest which attractive novelties always command. It was to be a picnic on a gigantic scale. The participants in it, instead of freighting an ungainly steam ferry-boat with youth and beauty and pies and doughnuts, and paddling up some obscure creek to disembark upon a grassy lawn and wear themselves out with a long summer day’s laborious frolicking under the impression that it was fun, were to sail away in a great steamship with flags flying and cannon pealing, and take a royal holiday beyond the broad ocean, in many a strange clime and in many a land renowned in history! They were to sail for months over the breezy Atlantic and the sunny Mediterranean; they were to scamper about the decks by day, filling the ship with shouts and laughter—or read novels and poetry in the shade of the smoke-stacks, or watch for the jelly-fish and the nautilus, over the side, and the shark, the whale, and other strange monsters of the deep; and at night they were to dance in the open air, on the upper deck, in the midst of a ball-room that stretched from horizon to horizon, and was domed by the bending heavens and lighted by no meaner lamps than the stars and the magnificent moon—dance, and promenade, and smoke, and sing, and make love, and search the skies for constellations that never associate with the “Big Dipper” they were so tired of; and they were to see the ships of twenty navies—the customs and costumes of twenty curious peoples—the great cities of half a world—they were to hob-nob with nobility and hold friendly converse with kings and princes, Grand Moguls, and the anointed lords of mighty empires!

It was a brave conception; it was the offspring of a most ingenious brain. It was well advertised, but it hardly needed it: the bold originality, the extraordinary character, the seductive nature, and the vastness of the enterprise provoked comment every where and advertised it in every household in the land. Who could read the programme of the excursion without longing to make one of the party? I will insert it here. It is almost as good as a map. As a text for this book, nothing could be better:

EXCURSION TO THE HOLY LAND, EGYPT, THE CRIMEA, GREECE, AND INTERMEDIATE POINTS OF INTEREST. Brooklyn, February 1st, 1867.

The undersigned will make an excursion as above during the coming season, and begs to submit to you the following programme:

A first-class steamer, to be under his own command, and capable of accommodating at least one hundred and fifty cabin passengers, will be selected, in which will be taken a select company, numbering not more than three-fourths of the ship’s capacity. There is good reason to believe that this company can be easily made up in this immediate vicinity, of mutual friends and acquaintances.

The steamer will be provided with every necessary comfort, including library and musical instruments.

An experienced physician will be on board.

Leaving New York about June 1st, a middle and pleasant route will be taken across the Atlantic, and passing through the group of Azores, St. Michael will be reached in about ten days. A day or two will be spent here, enjoying the fruit and wild scenery of these islands, and the voyage continued, and Gibraltar reached in three or four days.

A day or two will be spent here in looking over the wonderful subterraneous fortifications, permission to visit these galleries being readily obtained.

From Gibraltar, running along the coasts of Spain and France, Marseilles will be reached in three days. Here ample time will be given not only to look over the city, which was founded six hundred years before the Christian era, and its artificial port, the finest of the kind in the Mediterranean, but to visit Paris during the Great Exhibition; and the beautiful city of Lyons, lying intermediate, from the heights of which, on a clear day, Mont Blanc and the Alps can be distinctly seen. Passengers who may wish to extend the time at Paris can do so, and, passing down through Switzerland, rejoin the steamer at Genoa.

From Marseilles to Genoa is a run of one night. The excursionists will have an opportunity to look over this, the “magnificent city of palaces,” and visit the birthplace of Columbus, twelve miles off, over a beautiful road built by Napoleon I. From this point, excursions may be made to Milan, Lakes Como and Maggiore, or to Milan, Verona, (famous for its extraordinary fortifications,) Padua, and Venice. Or, if passengers desire to visit Parma (famous for Correggio’s frescoes,) and Bologna, they can by rail go on to Florence, and rejoin the steamer at Leghorn, thus spending about three weeks amid the cities most famous for art in Italy.

From Genoa the run to Leghorn will be made along the coast in one night, and time appropriated to this point in which to visit Florence, its palaces and galleries; Pisa, its Cathedral and “Leaning Tower,” and Lucca and its baths, and Roman amphitheatre; Florence, the most remote, being distant by rail about sixty miles.

From Leghorn to Naples, (calling at Civita Vecchia to land any who may prefer to go to Rome from that point,) the distance will be made in about thirty-six hours; the route will lay along the coast of Italy, close by Caprera, Elba, and Corsica. Arrangements have been made to take on board at Leghorn a pilot for Caprera, and, if practicable, a call will be made there to visit the home of Garibaldi.

Rome, [by rail] Herculaneum, Pompeii, Vesuvius, Virgil’s tomb, and possibly, the ruins of Pæstum, can be visited, as well as the beautiful surroundings of Naples and its charming bay.

The next point of interest will be Palermo, the most beautiful city of Sicily, which will be reached in one night from Naples. A day will be spent here, and leaving in the evening, the course will be taken towards Athens.

Skirting along the north coast of Sicily, passing through the group of Æolian Isles, in sight of Stromboli and Vulcania, both active volcanoes, through the Straits of Messina, with “Scylla” on the one hand and “Charybdis” on the other, along the east coast of Sicily, and in sight of Mount Ætna, along the south coast of Italy, the west and south coast of Greece, in sight of ancient Crete, up Athens Gulf, and into the Piræus, Athens will be reached in two and a half or three days. After tarrying here awhile, the Bay of Salamis will be crossed, and a day given to Corinth, whence the voyage will be continued to Constantinople, passing on the way through the Grecian Archipelago, the Dardanelles, the Sea of Marmora, and the mouth of the Golden Horn, and arriving in about forty-eight hours from Athens.

After leaving Constantinople, the way will be taken out through the beautiful Bosphorus, across the Black Sea to Sebastopol and Balaklava, a run of about twenty-four hours. Here it is proposed to remain two days, visiting the harbors, fortifications, and battle-fields of the Crimea; thence back through the Bosphorus, touching at Constantinople to take in any who may have preferred to remain there; down through the Sea of Marmora and the Dardanelles, along the coasts of ancient Troy and Lydia in Asia, to Smyrna, which will be reached in two or two and a half days from Constantinople. A sufficient stay will be made here to give opportunity of visiting Ephesus, fifty miles distant by rail.

From Smyrna towards the Holy Land the course will lay through the Grecian Archipelago, close by the Isle of Patmos, along the coast of Asia, ancient Pamphylia, and the Isle of Cyprus. Beirout will be reached in three days. At Beirout time will be given to visit Damascus; after which the steamer will proceed to Joppa.

From Joppa, Jerusalem, the River Jordan, the Sea of Tiberias, Nazareth, Bethany, Bethlehem, and other points of interest in the Holy Land can be visited, and here those who may have preferred to make the journey from Beirout through the country, passing through Damascus, Galilee, Capernaum, Samaria, and by the River Jordan and Sea of Tiberias, can rejoin the steamer.

Leaving Joppa, the next point of interest to visit will be Alexandria, which will be reached in twenty-four hours. The ruins of Cæsar’s Palace, Pompey’s Pillar, Cleopatra’s Needle, the Catacombs, and ruins of ancient Alexandria, will be found worth the visit. The journey to Cairo, one hundred and thirty miles by rail, can be made in a few hours, and from which can be visited the site of ancient Memphis, Joseph’s Granaries, and the Pyramids.

From Alexandria the route will be taken homeward, calling at Malta, Cagliari (in Sardinia,) and Parma (in Majorca,) all magnificent harbors, with charming scenery, and abounding in fruits.

A day or two will be spent at each place, and leaving Parma in the evening, Valencia in Spain will be reached the next morning. A few days will be spent in this, the finest city of Spain.

From Valencia, the homeward course will be continued, skirting along the coast of Spain. Alicant, Carthagena, Palos, and Malaga, will be passed but a mile or two distant, and Gibraltar reached in about twenty-four hours.

A stay of one day will be made here, and the voyage continued to Madeira, which will be reached in about three days. Captain Marryatt writes: “I do not know a spot on the globe which so much astonishes and delights upon first arrival as Madeira.” A stay of one or two days will be made here, which, if time permits, may be extended, and passing on through the islands, and probably in sight of the Peak of Tene- riffe, a southern track will be taken, and the Atlantic crossed within the latitudes of the Northeast trade winds, where mild and pleasant weather, and a smooth sea, can always be expected.

A call will be made at Bermuda, which lies directly in this route homeward, and will be reached in about ten days from Madeira, and after spending a short time with our friends the Bermudians, the final departure will be made for home, which will be reached in about three days.

Already, applications have been received from parties in Europe wishing to join the Excursion there.

The ship will at all times be a home, where the excursionists, if sick, will be surrounded by kind friends, and have all possible comfort and sympathy.

Should contagious sickness exist in any of the ports named in the programme, such ports will be passed, and others of interest substituted.

The price of passage is fixed at $1,250, currency, for each adult passenger. Choice of rooms and of seats at the tables apportioned in the order in which passages are engaged, and no passage considered engaged until ten per cent. of the passage money is deposited with the treasurer.

Passengers can remain on board of the steamer, at all ports, if they desire, without additional expense, and all boating at the expense of the ship.

All passages must be paid for when taken, in order that the most perfect arrangements be made for starting at the appointed time.

Applications for passage must be approved by the committee before tickets are issued, and can be made to the undersigned.

Articles of interest or curiosity, procured by the passengers during the voyage, may be brought home in the steamer free of charge.

Five dollars per day, in gold, it is believed, will be a fair calculation to make for all traveling expenses on shore, and at the various points where passengers may wish to leave the steamer for days at a time.

The trip can be extended, and the route changed, by unanimous vote of the passengers.

Chas. C. Duncan, 117 Wall Street, New York. R. R. G******, Treasurer. committee on applications J. T. H*****, Esq.,R. R. G*****, Esq., C. C. Duncan. committee on selecting steamer. Capt. W. W. S****. Surveyor for Board of Underwriters. C. W. C*******, Consulting Engineer for U. S. and Canada. J. T. H*****, Esq. C. C. Duncan. p.s.—The very beautiful and substantial side wheel steamship “Quaker City” has been chartered for the occasion, and will leave New York, June 8th. Letters have been issued by the government commending the party to courtesies abroad.

What was there lacking about that programme, to make it perfectly irresistible? Nothing, that any finite mind could discover. Paris, England, Scotland, Switzerland, Italy—Garibaldi! The Grecian archipelago! Vesuvius! Constantinople! Smyrna! The Holy Land! Egypt and “our friends the Bermudians!” People in Europe desiring to join the Excursion—contagious sickness to be avoided—boating at the expense of the ship—physician on board—the circuit of the globe to be made if the passengers unanimously desired it—the company to be rigidly selected by a pitiless “Committee on Applications”—the vessel to be as rigidly selected by as pitiless a “Committee on Selecting Steamer.” Human nature could not withstand these bewildering temptations. I hurried to the Treasurer’s office and deposited my ten per cent. I rejoiced to know that a few vacant state-rooms were still left. I did avoid a critical personal examination into my character, by that bowelless committee, but I referred to all the people of high standing I could think of in the community who would be least likely to know any thing about me.

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Excerpted from The Innocents Abroad: Or, the New Pilgrims' Progress by Mark Twain
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