The Innocents Abroad

by Twain, Mark; Quirk, Tom; Cardwell, Guy

• ISBN13: 9780142437087
• ISBN10: 0142437085
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2002-07-30
• Publisher: Penguin Classics

Summary

The Innocents Abroad sold over 70,000 copies in its first year and remained the best-selling of Twain's works throughout his lifetime. This classic records Twain's keen wit and amusing observations during his trip through&Europe and the Holy Land in 1867. Edition also includes all of original work's charming illustrations. 234 black-and-white illustrations

Author Biography

Mark Twain (1835-1910) was born Samuel Longhorn Clemens in Florida, Missouri, and died in Redding, Connecticut. A satirist, novelist, and keen observer of the American scene, he is one of America's greatest novelists.

Tom Quirk is currently the Catherine Paine Middlebush Professor of English at the University of Missouri-Columbia. The author of several books, he is the editor of Mark Twain's Tales, Speeches, Essays, and Sketches for Penguin Classics.

Table of Contents

Introduction	xix
Suggestions for Further Reading	xli
Note on the Text	xliii
Map: The Voyage of The Quaker City	xlv
The Innocents Abroad	1	(2)
Preface	3	(2)
Chapter I	5	(7)
Popular Talk of the Excursion
Programme of the Trip
Duly Ticketed for the Excursion
Defection of the Celebrities
Chapter II	12	(4)
Grand Preparations
An Imposing Dignitary
The European Exodus
Mr. Blucher's Opinion
Stateroom No. 10
The Assembling of the Clans
At Sea at Last
Chapter III	16	(4)
``Averaging'' the Passengers
``Far, Far at Sea''
Tribulation Among the Patriarchs
Seeking Amusement Under Difficulties
Five Captains in the Ship
Chapter IV	20	(7)
The Pilgrims Becoming Domesticated
Pilgrim Life at Sea
``Horse-Billiards''
The ``Synagogue''
The Writing
School
Jack's ``Journal''
The ``Q.C. Club''
The Magic Lantern
State Ball on Deck
Mock Trials
Charades
Pilgrim Solemnity
Slow Music
The Executive Officer Delivers an Opinion
Chapter V	27	(6)
Summer in Mid
Atlantic
An Eccentric Moon
Mr. Blucher Loses Confidence
The Mystery of ``Ship Time''
The Denizens of the Deep
``Land-Ho!''
The First Landing on a Foreign Shore
Sensation Among the Natives
Something About the Azores Islands
Blucher's Disastrous Dinner
The Happy Result
Chapter VI	33	(6)
Solid Information
A Fossil Community
Curious Ways and Customs
Jesuit Humbuggery
Fantastic Pilgrimizing
Origin of the Russ Pavement
Squaring Accounts with the Fossils
At Sea Again
Chapter VII	39	(11)
A Tempest at Night
Spain and Africa on Exhibition
Greeting a Majestic Stranger
The Pillars of Hercules
The Rock of Gibraltar
Tiresome Repetition
``The Queen's Chair''
Serenity Conquered
Curiosities of the Secret Caverns
Personnel of Gibraltar
Some Odd Characters
A Private Frolic in Africa
Bearding a Moorish Garrison (Without Loss of Life)
Vanity Rebuked
Disembarking in the Empire of Morocco
Chapter VIII	50	(5)
The Ancient City of Tangier, Morocco
Strange Sights
A Cradle of Antiquity
We Become Wealthy
How They Rob the Mail in Africa
The Danger of Being Opulent in Morocco
Chapter IX	55	(5)
A Pilgrim in Deadly Peril
How They Mended the Clock
Moorish Punishments for Crime
Marriage Customs
Looking Several Ways for Sunday
Shrewd Practice of Mohammedan Pilgrims
Reverence for Cats
Bliss of Being a Consul
General
Chapter X	60	(7)
Fourth of July at Sea
Mediterranean Sunset
The ``Oracle'' Is Delivered of an Opinion
Celebration Ceremonies
The Captain's Speech
France in Sight
The Ignorant Native
In Marseilles
Another Blunder
Lost in the Great City
Found Again
A Frenchy Scene
Chapter XI	67	(5)
Getting ``Used to It''
No Soap
Bill of Fare, Table d'Hote
``An American, Sir!''
A Curious Discovery
The ``Pilgrim'' Bird
Strange Companionship
A Grave of the Living
A Long Captivity
Some of Dumas's Heroes
Dungeon of the Famous ``Iron Mask''
Chapter XII	72	(10)
A Holiday Flight Through France
Summer Garb of the Landscape
Abroad on the Great Plains
Peculiarities of French Cars
French Politeness
American Railway Officials
``Thirty Minutes to Dinner!'' Why There Are No Accidents
The ``Old Travelers''
Still on the Wing
Paris at Last
French Order and Quiet
Place of the Bastile
Seeing the Sights
A Barbarous Atrocity
Absurd Billiards
Chapter XIII	82	(9)
More Trouble
Monsieur Billfinger
Re
Christening the Frenchman
In the Clutches of a Paris Guide
The International Exposition Fine Military Review
Glimpse of the Emperor Napoleon and the Sultan of Turkey
Chapter XIV	91	(7)
The Venerable Cathedral of Notre
Dame Jean Sans
Peur's Addition
Treasures and Sacred Relics
The Legend of the Cross
The Morgue
The Outrageous Can
Can
Blondin Aflame
The Louvre Palace
The Great Park
Showy Pageantry
Preservation of Noted Things
Chapter XV	98	(10)
French National Burying
Ground Among the Great Dead
The Shrine of Disappointed Love
The Story of Abelard and Heloise
``English Spoken Here''
``American Drinks Prepared Here''
Imperial Honors to an American
The Over Estimated Grisette
Departure from Paris A Deliberate Opinion Concerning the Comeliness of American Women
Chapter XVI	108	(5)
Versailles
Paradise Regained A Wonderful Park
Paradise Lost
Napoleonic Strategy
Chapter XVII	113	(8)
War
The American Forces Victorious
``Home Again''
Italy in Sight
The ``City of Palaces''
Beauty of the Genoese Women
The ``Stub-Hunters''
Among the Palaces
Gifted Guide
Church Magnificence
``Women Not Admitted''
How the Genoese Live
Massive Architecture
A Scrap of Ancient History
Graves for 60,000
Chapter XVIII	121	(8)
Flying Through Italy
Marengo
First Glimpse of the Famous Cathedral
Description of Some of Its Wonders
A Horror Carved in Stone
An Unpleasant Adventure
A Good Man A Sermon from the Tomb
Tons of Gold and Silver
Some More Holy Relics
Solomon's Temple Rivaled
Chapter XIX	129	(12)
``Do You Wis Zo Haut Can Be?''
La Scala
Petrarch and Laura
Lucrezia Borgia
Ingenious Frescoes
Ancient Roman Amphitheatre
A Clever Delusion
Distressing Billiards
The Chief Charm of European Life
An Italian Bath
Wanted: Soap
Crippled French
Mutilated English
The Most Celebrated Painting in the World
Amateur Raptures
Uninspired Critics Anecdote
A Wonderful Echo
A Kiss for a Franc
Chapter XX	141	(6)
Rural Italy by Rail
Fumigated, According to Law
The Sorrowing Englishman
Night by the Lake of Como
The Famous Lake
Its Scenery
Como Compared with Tahoe
Meeting a Shipmate
Chapter XXI	147	(7)
The Pretty Lago di Lecco
A Carriage Drive in the Country
Astonishing Sociability in a Coachman
A Sleepy Land
Bloody Shrines
The Heart and Home of Priestcraft
A Thrilling Medieval Romance
The Birthplace of Harlequin Approaching Venice
Chapter XXII	154	(9)
Night in Venice
The ``Gay Gondolier''
The Grand Fete by Moonlight
The Notable Sights of Venice
The Mother of the Republics Desolate
Chapter XXIII	163	(12)
The Famous Gondola
The Gondola in an Unromantic Aspect
The Great Square of St. Mark and the Winged Lion
Snobs, at Home and Abroad
Sepulchres of the Great Dead
A Tilt at the ``Old Masters''
A Contraband Guide
The Conspiracy
Moving Again
Chapter XXIV	175	(8)
Down Through Italy by Rail
Idling in Florence
Dante and Galileo
An Ungrateful City
Dazzling Generosity
Wonderful Mosaics
The Historical Arno
Lost Again
Found Again, but No Fatted Calf Ready
The Leaning Tower of Pisa
The Ancient Duomo
The Old Original First Pendulum That Ever Swung
An Enchanting Echo
A New Holy Sepulchre
A Relic of Antiquity
A Fallen Republic
At Leghorn
At Home Again, and Satisfied, on Board the Ship
Our Vessel an Object of Grave Suspicion
Gen. Garibaldi Visited
Threats of Quarantine
Chapter XXV	183	(8)
The Works of Bankruptcy
Railway Grandeur
How to Fill an Empty Treasury
The Sumptuousness of Mother Church
Ecclesiastical Splendor
Magnificence and Misery
General Execration
More Magnificence A
Good Word for the Priests
Civita Vecchia the Dismal
Off for Rome
Chapter XXVI	191	(16)
The Modern Roman on His Travels
The Grandeur of St. Peter's
Holy Relics
Grand View from the Dome
The Holy Inquisition
Interesting Old Monkish Frauds
The Ruined Coliseum
The Coliseum in the Days of Its Prime
Ancient Play
bill of a Coliseum Performance
A Roman Newspaper Criticism 1,700 Years Old
Chapter XXVII	207	(11)
``Butchered to Make a Roman Holiday''
The Man Who Never Complained
An Exasperating Subject
Asinine Guides
The Roman Catacombs
The Saint Whose Fervor Burst His Ribs
The Miracle of the Bleeding Heart
The Legend of Ara Cæli
Chapter XXVIII	218	(8)
Picturesque Horrors
The Legend of Brother Thomas
Sorrow Scientifically Analyzed
A Festive Company of the Dead
The Great Vatican Museum
Artist Sins of Omission
The Rape of the Sabines
Papal Protection of Art
High Price of ``Old Masters''
Improved Scripture
Scale of Rank of the Holy Personages in Rome
Scale of Honors Accorded Them
Fossilizing
Away for Naples
Chapter XXIX	226	(5)
Naples
In Quarantine at Last Annunciation
Ascent of Mount Vesuvius A Two
Cent Community
The Black Side of Neapolitan Character
Monkish Miracles
Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued
The Stranger and the Hackman
Night View of Naples from the Mountain
side Ascent of Vesuvius Continued
Chapter XXX	231	(8)
Ascent of Vesuvius Continued
Beautiful View at Dawn
Less Beautiful View in the Back Streets
Ascent of Vesuvius Continued
Dwellings a Hundred Feet High
A Motley Procession
Bill of Fare for a Peddler's Breakfast
Princely Salaries
Ascent of Vesuvius Continued
An Average of Prices
The Wonderful ``Blue Grotto''
Visit to Celebrated Localities in the Bay of Naples
The Poisoned ``Grotto of the Dog''
A Petrified Sea of Lava
The Ascent Continued
The Summit Reached
Description of the Crater
Descent of Vesuvius
Chapter XXXI	239	(8)
The Buried City of Pompeii
How Dwellings Appear That Have Been Unoccupied for Eighteen Hundred Years
The Judgment Seat
Desolation
The Footprints of the Departed
``No Women Admitted''
Theatres, Bake
shops, Schools, etc.
Skeletons Preserved by the Ashes and Cinders
The Brave Martyr to Duty
Rip Van Winkle
The Perishable Nature of Fame
Chapter XXXII	247	(12)
At Sea Once More
The Pilgrims All Well
Superb Stromboli
Sicily by Moonlight
Scylla and Charybdis
The ``Oracle'' at Fault
Skirting the Isles of Greece
Ancient Athens
Blockaded by Quarantine and Refused Permission to Enter
Running the Blockade
A Bloodless Midnight Adventure
Turning Robbers from Necessity
Attempt to Carry the Acropolis by Storm
We Fail
Among the Glories of the Past
A World of Ruined Sculpture
A Fairy Vision
Famous Localities
Retreating in Good Order
Captured by the Guards
Traveling in Military State
Safe on Board Again
Chapter XXXIII	259	(10)
Modern Greece
Fallen Greatness
Sailing Through the Archipelago and the Dardanelles
Footprints of History
The First Shoddy Contractor of Whom History Gives Any Account
Anchored Before Constantinople
Fantastic Fashions
The Ingenious Goose
Rancher
Marvelous Cripples
The Great Mosque
The Thousand and One Columns
The Grand Bazaar of Stamboul
Chapter XXXIV	269	(11)
Scarcity of Morals and Whiskey
Slave-Girl Market Report
Commercial Morality at a Discount
The Slandered Dogs of Constantinople
Questionable Delights of Newspaperdom in Turkey
Ingenious Italian Journalism
No More Turkish Lunches Desired
The Turkish Bath Fraud
The Narghili Fraud
Jackplaned by a Native
The Turkish Coffee Fraud
Chapter XXXV	280	(5)
Sailing Through the Bosporus and the Black Sea
``Far-Away Moses''
Melancholy Sebastopol
Hospitably Received in Russia
Pleasant English People
Desperate Fighting
Relic Hunting
How Travelers Form ``Cabinets''
Chapter XXXVI	285	(3)
Nine Thousand Miles East
Imitation American
Town in Russia
Gratitude That Came Too Late
To Visit the Autocrat of All the Russias
Chapter XXXVII	288	(10)
Summer Home of Royalty
Practicing for the Dread Ordeal
Committee on Imperial Address
Reception by the Emperor and Family
Dresses of the Imperial Party
Concentrated Power
Counting the Spoons
At the Grand Duke's
A Charming Villa
A Knightly Figure
The Grand Duchess
A Grand Ducal Breakfast
Baker's Boy, the Famine
Breeder
Theatrical Monarchs a Fraud
Saved as by Fire
The Governor General's Visit to the Ship
Official ``Style''
Aristocratic Visitors
``Munchausenizing'' with Them
Closing Ceremonies
Chapter XXXVIII	298	(7)
Return to Constantinople
We Sail for Asia
The Sailors Burlesque the Imperial Visitors
Ancient Smyrna
The ``Oriental Splendor'' Fraud
The ``Biblical Crown of Life''
Pilgrim Prophecy-Savans
Sociable Armenian Girls
A Sweet Reminiscence
``The Camels Are Coming, Ha-ha!''
Chapter XXXIX	305	(5)
Smyrna's Lions
The Martyr Polycarp
The ``Seven Churches''
Remains of the Six Smyrnas
Mysterious Oyster Mine
Oysters Seeking Scenery
A Millerite Tradition
A Railroad Out of Its Sphere
Chapter XL	310	(8)
Journeying Toward Ancient Ephesus
Ancient Ayassalook
The Villainous Donkey
A Fantastic Procession
Bygone Magnificence
Fragments of History
The Legend of the Seven Sleepers
Chapter XLI	318	(6)
Vandalism Prohibited
Angry Pilgrims
Approaching Holy Land!
The ``Shrill Note of Preparation''
Distress About Dragomans and Transportation
The ``Long Route'' Adopted
In Syria
Something About Beirout
A Choice Specimen of a Greek ``Ferguson''
Outfits
Hideous Horseflesh
Pilgrim ``Style''
What of Aladdin's Lamp?
Chapter XLII	324	(6)
``Jacksonville,'' in the Montains of Lebanon
Breakfasting Above a Grand Panorama
The Vanished City
The Peculiar Steed, ``Jericho''
The Pilgrim's Progress
Bible Scenes
Mount Hermon, Joshua's Battle
Fields, etc.
The Tomb of Noah
A Most Unfortunate People
Chapter XLIII	330	(6)
Patriarchal Customs
Magnificent Baalbec
Description of the Ruins
Scribbling Smiths and Joneses
Pilgrim Fidelity to the Letter of the Law
The Revered Fountain of Baalam's Ass
Chapter XLIV	336	(10)
Extracts from Note-Book
Mahomet's Paradise and the Bible's
Beautiful Damascus, the Oldest City on Earth
Oriental Scenes Within the Curious Old City
Damascus Street Car
The Story of St. Paul
The ``Street Called Straight''
Mahomet's Tomb and St. George's
The Christian Massacre
Mohammedan Dread of Pollution
The House of Naaman
The Horrors of Leprosy
Chapter XLV	346	(11)
The Cholera Way of Variety
Hot
Another Outlandish Procession
Pen-and-Ink Photographs of ``Jonesborough,'' Syria
Tomb of Nimrod, the Mighty Hunter
The Stateliest Ruin of All
Stepping over the Borders of Holy Land
Bathing in the Sources of Jordan
More ``Specimen'' Hunting
Ruins of Cesarea-Philippi
``On This Rock Will I Build My Church''
The People the Disciples Knew
The Noble Steed ``Baalbec''
Sentimental Horse Idolatry of the Arabs0
Chapter XLVI	357	(8)
Dan
Bashan
Genessaret
A Notable Panorama
Smallness of Palestine
Scraps of History
Character of the Country
Bedouin Shepherds
Glimpses of the Hoary Past
Mr. Grimes's Bedouins
A Battle
Ground of Joshua
That Soldier's Manner of Fighting
Barak's Battle
The Necessity of Unlearning Some Things
Desolation
Chapter XLVII	365	(12)
Jack's Adventure
Joseph's Pit
The Story of Joseph
Joseph's Magnanimity and Esau's
The Sacred Lake of Genessaret
Enthusiasm of the Pilgrims
Why We Did Not Sail on Galilee
About Capernaum
Concerning the Saviour's Brothers and Sisters
Journeying Toward Magdala
Chapter XLVIII	377	(9)
Curious Specimens of Art and Architecture
Public Reception of the Pilgrims
Mary Magdalen's House
Tiberias and Its Queer Inhabitants
The Sacred Sea of Galilee
Galilee by Night
Chapter XLIX	386	(9)
The Ancient Baths
Ye Apparition
A Distinguished Panorama
The Last Battle of the Crusades
The Story of the Lord of Kerak
Mount Tabor
What One Sees from Its Top
A Memory of a Wonderful Garden
The House of Deborah the Prophetess
Chapter L	395	(9)
Toward Nazareth
Bitten by a Camel
Grotto of the Annunciation, Nazareth
Noted Grottoes in General
Joseph's Workshop
A Sacred Bowlder
The Fountain of the Virgin
Questionable Female Beauty
Literary Curiosities
Chapter LI	404	(12)
The Boyhood of the Saviour
Unseemly Antics of Sober Pilgrims
Home of the Witch of Endor
Nain
Profanation
A Popular Oriental Picture
Biblical Metaphors Becoming Steadily More Intelligible
The Shunem Miracle
The ``Free Son of the Desert''
Ancient Jezreel
Jehu's Achievements
Samaria and Its Famous Siege
Chapter LII	416	(6)
A Curious Remnant of the Past
Shechem
The Oldest ``First Family'' on Earth
The Oldest Manuscript Extant
The Genuine Tomb of Joseph
Jacob's Well
Shiloh
Camping with the Arabs
Jacob's Ladder
More Desolation
Ramah, Beroth, the Tomb of Samuel, the Fountain of Beira
Impatience
Approaching Jerusalem
The Holy City in Sight
Noting Its Prominent Features
Domiciled Within the Sacred Walls
Chapter LIII	422	(13)
``The Joy of the Whole Earth''
Description of Jerusalem
Church of the Holy Sepulchre
The Stone of Unction
The Grave of Jesus
Graves of Nicodemus and Joseph of Arimathea
Places of the Apparition
The Finding of the Three Crosses
The Legend
Monkish Impostures
The Pillar of Flagellation
The Place of a Relic
Godfrey's Sword
``The Bonds of Christ''
``The Centre of the Earth''
Place Whence the Dust Was Taken of Which Adam Was Made
Grave of Adam
The Martyred Soldier
The Copper Plate That Was on the Cross
The Good St. Helena
Place of the Division of the Garments
St. Dimas, the Penitent Thief
The Late Emperor Maximilian's Contribution
Grotto Wherein the Crosses Were Found, and the Nails, and the Crown of Thorns
Chapel of the Mocking
Tomb of Melchizedek
Graves of Two Renowned Crusaders
The Place of the Crucifixion
Chapter LIV	435	(10)
The ``Sorrowful Way''
The Legend of St. Veronica's Handkerchief
An Illustrious Stone
House of the Wandering Jew
The Tradition of the Wanderer
Solomon's Temple
Mosque of Omar
Moslem Traditions
``Women Not Admitted''
The Fate of a Gossip
Turkish Sacred Relics Judgment Seat of David and Saul
Genuine Precious Remains of Solomon's Temple
Surfeited with Sights
The Pool of Siloam
The Garden of Gethsemane and Other Sacred Localities
Chapter LV	445	(15)
Rebellion in the Camp
Charms of Nomadic Life
Dismal Rumors
En Route for Jericho and the Dead Sea
Pilgrim Strategy
Bethany and the Dwelling of Lazarus
``Bedouins!''
Ancient Jericho
Misery
The Night March
The Dead Sea
An Idea of What a ``Wilderness'' in Palestine Is
The Holy Hermits of Mars Saba
Good St. Saba
Women Not Admitted
Buried from the World for All Time
Unselfish Catholic Benevolence
Gazelles
The Plain of the Shepherds
Birthplace of the Saviour, Bethlehem
Church of the Nativity
Its Hundred Holy Places
The Famous ``Milk'' Grotto
Tradition
Return to Jerusalem
Exhausted
Chapter LVI	460	(4)
Departure from Jerusalem
The Plain of Sharon
Arrival at Jaffa
House of Simon the Tanner
The Long Pilgrimage Ended
Character of Palestine Scenery
The Curse
Chapter LVII	464	(7)
The Happiness of Being at Sea Once More
``Home'' as It Is in a Pleasure-Ship
``Shaking Hands'' with the Vessel
Jack in Costume
His Father's Parting Advice
Approaching Egypt
Ashore in Alexandria
A Deserved Compliment for the Donkeys
Invasion of the Lost Tribes of America
End of the Celebrated ``Jaffa Colony''
Scenes in Grand Cairo
Shepheard's Hotel Contrasted with a Certain American Hotel
Preparing for the Pyramids
Chapter LVIII	471	(13)
``Recherche'' Donkeys
A Wild Ride
Specimens of Egyptian Modesty
Moses in the Bulrushes
Place Where the Holy Family Sojourned
Distant View of the Pyramids
A Nearer View
The Ascent
Superb View from the Top of the Pyramid
``Bucksheesh! Bucksheesh!''
An Arab Exploit
In the Bowels of the Pyramid
Strategy
Reminiscence of ``Holliday's Hill''
Boyish Exploit
The Majestic Sphynx
Things the Author Will Not Tell
Grand Old Egypt
Chapter LIX	484	(3)
Going Home
A Demoralized Note
Book
A Boy's Diary
Mere Mention of Old Spain
LX	487	(3)
Departure from Cadiz
A Deserved Rebuke
The Beautiful Madeiras
Tabooed
In the Delightful Bermudas An English Welcome
Good-bye to ``Our Friends the Bermudians''
Packing Trunks for Home
Our First Accident
The Long Cruise Drawing to a Close
At Home Amen
LXI	490	(7)
Thankless Devotion
A Newspaper Valedictory
Conclusion	497	(4)
Explanatory Notes	501