Joy Of Conflict Resolution

by Harper, Gary

• ISBN13: 9780865715158
• ISBN10: 0865715157
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2004-07-15
• Publisher: New Society Pub

Summary

The rapid rate of change in the workplace and among families often leads to conflict and confrontation which can undermine productivity and poison relationships. This book helps readers to understand conflict and why it arises through the lens of the 'drama triangle' of victims, villains and heroes. In an accessible, engaging and light-hearted style that uses stories and humour to explore potentially emotionally charged situations, it provides proven and practical skills to move beyond confrontation to resolve conflicts collaboratively.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	ix
Introduction	xi
CHAPTER 1: VICTIMS, VILLAINS, AND HEROES	1	(12)
Fairy tales of conflict	1	(2)
Roles we play	3	(4)
Beyond the drama triangle	7	(6)
CHAPTER 2: LESSONS FROM THE SANDBOX	13	(8)
Grow up, already	13	(1)
My PhD advisor can beat up your PhD advisor	14	(1)
Themes from the playground	14	(3)
It's hard to see the picture when you're in the frame	17	(1)
Conflict as its own reward	18	(1)
The roots of defensiveness	19	(2)
CHAPTER 3: JUST LIKE THE MOVIES	21	(12)
Elements of conflict stories	21	(4)
What drives us?	25	(3)
Our conflict dramas	28	(2)
When did the knife go in?	30	(1)
The journey from confrontation to collaboration	31	(2)
CHAPTER 4: WELCOME TO TURM-0IL, INC	33	(11)
Co-workers in conflict	33	(5)
Black Friday	38	(6)
CHAPTER 5: THE ASSUMPTION ICEBERG	44	(9)
Book 'em, Dinah	44	(3)
Motive and impact	47	(3)
Book 'em, Dinah (revisited)	50	(3)
CHAPTER 6: THE WOBBLY STOOL OF CONFLICT	53	(15)
The three legs of conflict	54	(1)
Big Bob goes bananas	55	(3)
Diagnosing resistance	58	(1)
Identifying the problem	58	(1)
Respecting process needs	59	(3)
Stabilizing the emotion	62	(1)
Big Bob goes bananas (revisited)	63	(5)
CHAPTER 7: THE PERILS OF ANGER MOUNTAIN	68	(14)
Responses to anger	69	(4)
Significance of the anger arousal cycle	73	(1)
Strategies to defuse others' anger	74	(6)
The time and place for apologies	80	(2)
CHAPTER 8: BEWARE THE CONFLICT GREMLINS	82	(11)
Strategies to manage our own anger	82	(2)
Get to know your gremlins	84	(5)
What to do about our gremlins	89	(1)
Listen to your inner coach	90	(3)
CHAPTER 9: THE POWER OF LISTENING	93	(14)
The North Wind and the Sun	94	(1)
Why listen?	94	(4)
Silence is golden	98	(1)
Proving you understand	99	(1)
How to get the full story	100	(3)
A metaphor is worth a thousand words	103	(1)
The importance of being genuine	104	(3)
CHAPTER 10: SPINNING THE STRAW OF DEFENSIVENESS	107	(10)
The chain reaction of defensiveness	107	(1)
Defining defensiveness	108	(1)
Spinning the gold of understanding	109	(1)
Forms of defensiveness: more lessons from the sandbox	109	(3)
Warming the climate	112	(1)
Doug separates the person from the problem	113	(2)
When you hit bedrock	115	(2)
CHAPTER 11: ESCAPING THE TRAP OF POSITIONS	117	(11)
No room at the inn for Vic	117	(1)
Trapped by positions	118	(1)
Naming the topic	119	(2)
The key to collaboration - interests and needs	121	(1)
Shifting from positions to interests	121	(7)
CHAPTER 12: PROBING THE DEPTHS OF CONFLICT	128	(9)
Shifting judgment to curiosity	128	(1)
All questions are not created equal	129	(2)
Peeling the onion for the real story	131	(3)
I'll show you mine if	134	(1)
Ask only if you really want to know	135	(2)
CHAPTER 13: STANDING UP FOR OURSELVES WITHOUT KNOCKING THE OTHER PERSON DOWN	137	(16)
An alternative to fight or flight	137	(1)
Passive behavior	138	(1)
Aggressive behavior	139	(1)
"I" statements	139	(2)
The difficult person story	141	(4)
"I'm okay. They need professional help"	145	(1)
Describing the difficult behavior	146	(2)
First within, then without	148	(1)
The D-E-S statement	148	(2)
When the other person doesn't respond	150	(1)
A few tips	151	(2)
CHAPTER 14: THE ROAD TO RESOLUTION	153	(12)
Preparing to meet	154	(1)
Doug's preparation to meet with Marko	155	(2)
Steps to collaboration	157	(5)
The conflict resolution two-step	162	(3)
CHAPTER 15: TIPS FOR THE TRAVELER	165	(22)
Being a warrior of the heart	165	(1)
The inner work	166	(6)
Active curiosity	172	(1)
Focusing on specific skills	173	(2)
Changing the dance	175	(6)
Don't go it alone	181	(2)
Other tips	183	(4)
Resources	187	(1)
Bibliography	188	(1)
Index	189	(6)
About the Author	195