Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette

by Friedman, Kinky

• ISBN13: 9780060935351
• ISBN10: 0060935359
• Edition: Reprint
• Format: Paperback
• Publisher: HarperCollins Publications

Summary

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit! Delivering belly laughs, hee-haws, and downright slackjaw amazement, this hilarious guide to the homeland of George W. and Willie Nelson is the essential how-to for surviving in the Lone Star State. From strange Texas laws and the history of Dr. Pepper to "Texas Talk" (in which a "turd floater" is a heavy downpour) and final-meal requests by death row inmates, Kinky Friedman, "the oldest living Jew in Texas who doesn't own any real estate," provides an insider's guide that will be loved by native Texans and the rest of us poor devils alike.Even if you don't know the difference between an Aggie and an armadillo -- or what's really in the back on Willie Nelson's tour bus -- you can pass for a Texan with the Kinkster's expert coaching. So grab your hairspray and the keys to the Cadillac and get reading!

Author Biography

Kinky Friedman is the author of fourteen novels, including the New York Times bestseller Roadkill. He is also a columnist for Texas Monthly magazine. He lives with one cat, four dogs, a pet armadillo, and many imaginary friends on a ranch in the Texas Hill Country

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	xiii
A Big Howdy from Kinky the Friendly Cowboy	xv
Things You Would Never Hear a Real Texan Say	1	(1)
Big Hair for Jesus	2	(3)
Legend of the Texas Bluebonnet	5	(2)
Redneck, Good Ol' Boy, or Oilman: Which Kind of Texan Are You?	7	(3)
Hometown Heroes	10	(3)
Guide to Texas Etiquette	13	(16)
How Big Is Texas?	23	(1)
Actual Quotes from Actual Texas Politicians	24	(3)
Things That Make You Go ``Hmmmm''	27	(2)
All Politics Is Yokel	29	(12)
Advice to Anyone Moving to Texas	33	(4)
Famous Texans Not from Texas	37	(2)
Seen on Texas Bumper Stickers	39	(1)
How Texas Got Its Lone Star	40	(1)
Always Hold the Door for a Lady Sheriff	41	(16)
Rich Texas Oilmen	48	(1)
Texas A&M Football and the Twelfth Man Tradition	49	(1)
Written Test for Police	50	(1)
Eddie Childs	50	(1)
A Riddle	51	(1)
You Know You're in Texas When . . .	52	(1)
Texas Talk	53	(2)
The Train Track Children	55	(2)
Coming of Age in Texas	57	(12)
More Hometown Heroes	61	(1)
How to Spot a Texan Abroad	62	(3)
Armadillo Fast Fact File	65	(2)
Prisoner-of-War Camps in Texas	67	(2)
Digging the Roots of Texas Music	69	(22)
Strange Texas Laws	84	(2)
Final Meal Requests by Texas Death Row Inmates	86	(2)
Texas Murderers	88	(3)
May All Your Juries Be Well-Hung	91	(36)
Texas Is the Only State	112	(1)
Tall Tales	113	(1)
Famous Texans with Mutant Genitalia	114	(1)
History of Dr Pepper	114	(3)
Aggie Jokes	117	(2)
Little-Known Facts About the Alamo and Her Defenders	119	(2)
The Alamo: John Wayne's Classic Movie	121	(1)
After the Alamo	122	(1)
The Texas Chicken Ranch	122	(2)
Strange Sports Mascots in Texas	124	(3)
The Back of the Bus	127	(16)
Everybody Is Somebody in Luckenbach	136	(1)
The Texas Celebrity High School Football Hall of Fame	137	(1)
Chili, the State Dish	138	(2)
Texas Weather	140	(3)
Shoshone the Magic Pony	143	(12)
The Yellow Rose of Texas	147	(1)
Teneha, Timpson, Bobo, and Blair	148	(1)
The Congress Avenue Bridge Bats	148	(2)
The Most Famous Texas Horned Toad	150	(1)
Chuck Wagon Cooking	151	(4)
Drawing from Experience	155	(18)
Outlaws in Texas	169	(2)
Rough Riders	171	(2)
Wanted: The Real Urban Cowboy	173	(20)
Still More Hometown Heroes	189	(1)
Dan Blocker	190	(1)
The Cowboy Cook's Prayer	190	(3)
God's Own Cowboys	193

Excerpts

Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette
Or How to Get to Heaven or Hell Without Going Through Dallas-Fort Worth

Chapter One

Things You Would Never Hear a Real Texan Say

• I think that song needs more French horn.
• Is that tuna dolphin-safe?
• The tires on that truck are too big.
• There's no place in my home for obscenity!
• I believe the proper word is "African-American."
• I'll have the decaf latte, please.
• William Robert, you appall me.
• This red wine has a rather cheeky bouquet.
• I've got two cases of Perrier for the Super Bowl.
• Fried pig rinds are disgusting.
• You're watching football? Change the channel -- Oprah is on!
• Will you go ahead with a home birth if the baby arrives in Paris?
• Duct tape won't fix that.
• Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
• Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
• We don't keep firearms in this house.
• You can't feed that to the dog.
• I thought Graceland was tacky.
• No kids in the back of the pickup; it's just not safe.
• Wrestling is not real.

Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette
Or How to Get to Heaven or Hell Without Going Through Dallas-Fort Worth. Copyright © by Kinky Friedman. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

---

Excerpted from Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette: Or How to Get to Heaven or Hell Without Going Through Dallas-Fort Worth by Kinky Friedman
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.