Letitia Baldrige's New Manners for New Times A Complete Guide to Etiquette

by Baldrige, Letitia; Fike, Denise Cavalieri

• ISBN13: 9780743210621
• ISBN10: 074321062X
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2003-11-18
• Publisher: Scribner

Summary

THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO MANNERS, REVISED AND UPDATED TO ACCOMODATE TODAY'S HIGH-SPEED LIFESTYLES, SHIFTING VALUES, AND EVER-EVOLVING DEFINITION OF FAMILY.Letitia Baldrige is universally recognized as the country's leading authority on executive, domestic, and social manners. She began writing on manners and protocol during her diplomatic service in 1949, and she has been hailed on the cover ofTimemagazine as "America's leading arbiter of manners." Originally published in 1989, herComplete Guide to New Mannershas now been thoroughly revised and updated to incorporate the changing social conventions and enormous technological advances of the past fifteen years.Baldrige was the first etiquette writer to advise extensively on the subject of manners in the workplace. With her legendary background in both the government and business worlds, she remains the prime authority on the integration of goals that often seem at odds with one another -- namely, family, work, and pleasure. Baldrige provides fresh guidelines on etiquette at work and in every form of communication, from letters to emails to cell phone calls.She also updates the way we approach the traditional rites of passage -- weddings, funerals, religious ceremonies, gatherings large and small. Here are authoritative answers to the etiquette questions and issues involved in nontraditional family relationships -- stepfamilies, adult children returning home, elderly parents moving in, gays and lesbians in the family, dating for the newly single, and the myriad complications that spring from divorce.Through it all, Baldrige does not forget the essence of manners: they are an expression of love and care, and they are under our control.New Manners for New Timesis a comprehensive encyclopedia that will lead readers confidently and correctly through the maze of lifestyles, customs, business, and ways of relating to others in this new, complex millennium. But it is, above all, a very personal statement.

Author Biography

Letitia Baldrige, a world-famous expert on manners, has written nineteen books, including her bestselling New Complete Guide to Executive Manners. She served as social secretary at the U.S. embassies in Paris and Rome and was chief of staff for Jacqueline Kennedy in the White House. She has run her own company, Letitia Baldrige Enterprises, since 1964. Baldrige and her family live in Washington, D.C.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	xxv
Manners from the Heart	1	(8)
PART 1: EVERYDAY RELATIONSHIPS FOR OUR TIMES	9	(75)
Chapter 1: Family Manners	11	(40)
The Family, Idealistically Speaking	11	(1)
Manners with Those Close to You	12	(5)
Courtesies That Hold Your Nuclear Family Together With Your Mate
With Your Mother- and Father-in-Law
With Your Son and Daughter-in-Law or Daughter and Son-in-Law
Roommate Etiquette	17	(2)
The New Family Formation: Adults (Hopefully) Living Together Harmoniously	19	(8)
An Adult Child Returns to the Nest
When a Parent Lives with You
The Family Forum
You Are Single but Still Part of a Family	27	(13)
Fighting the Good Fight Against Loneliness
Making Friends of your Family
Reasons to Be Glad You Are Single
If You Want to Stop Being Single
The Opportunities for Meeting People Are Endless
Complete Turnoff Questions Never to Ask a Single Person
If You Want to Play Matchmaker
Gay and Lesbian Couples-They Are Families, Too	40	(3)
Good Manners Toward Gays and Lesbians
When a Gay Couple Adopts a Child
The Keepers of Your House-They Are Family, Too	43	(8)
Working with Non-English-Speaking Employees
Before You Employ Someone in Your Home
Special Recommendations for Your Sitter and Child Caregiver
Special Training for Workers in Grand Houses
What Should Your Domestic Staff Call You and What Should You Call Them?
The "Character Factor"
If You're Using a Caterer for Your Party
Chapter 2: The Manners That Make Children Great	51	(33)
How a Child Learns to Distinguish Between Right and Wrong	52	(3)
The Example of Her Parents
Moral Lessons a Small Child Gleans from Parents Through Reading and Conversation
When Your Child Is Curious About a Disabled Person He Sees in Public
The Help That Religious Faith Can Give
Basic Behavior Rules Your Child of Ten or Older Should Know	55	(13)
The Basics
Teenagers Need a Few More Rules
Twenty-two Common Teenage Examples of a Family's Bad Manners and Oversights
Household Telephone Rules
A Few Dating Manners
Making the Rules Easier to Take What's a Piece of Furniture?
Your Role in Your Children's Relationships	68	(2)
With Siblings
Addressing Adults
Parents Speak to Their Children About Sex	70	(3)
A Mother Speaks to Her Daughter
A Father Speaks to His Son
The E-mailing Kids' Generation	73	(1)
Guarding Your Child Against the Perils of Drugs and Alcohol	74	(6)
Drugs and the Vulnerable Teenager
The Kinds of Drugs Around Us
Teaching Your Young Child About Alcohol Teenage Drinking
Where to Get Help
When Your Children Become Adults: Keep Your Family Together	80	(5)
Nice Ways to Treat Other Family Members
Everyday Manners Out in the World	84	(135)
Chapter 3: Making Friends in a Busy World	85	(20)
The First Step: Meeting People Who May Become Friends	85	(2)
Become Creative About How You Use Your Leisure Time
Solidifying a New Friendship	87	(2)
Manners and Friendship in the Great Outdoors	89	(4)
Sports
Making Friends at Work	93	(1)
Widening Your Horizons Through Volunteer Work	94	(3)
Choosing a Volunteer Activity
The Way to Get on a Nonprofit Agency Board
If Your Volunteer Motives Are Partly Social
Words to Use at Difficult Times	97	(4)
Growing Older with Grace	101	(4)
The Middle-Aged Years Should Be and Can Be the Best of Times
Some Options for Improving the Mind
Some Options for Improving the Body
Some Options for Improving the Heart
Leave Your Real Legacy Behind You
Chapter 4: Working Smart	105	(25)
Commonsense Polite Business Behavior: Good to Know!	106	(2)
When You're New in the Office
What to Say When You Are Belittled at Work
To Be a Well-Liked, Successful Executive	108	(12)
Some ABCs of Executive Etiquette
Traveling with the Boss Meeting Manners
Receiving a Visitor to Your Office Corporate Jet Etiquette
If a Member of Senior Management Dies
Corporate Responsibility When Serving Alcohol
When You Have to Let Someone Go for Economic Reasons	120	(7)
When You Are the One Let Go
Finding a Job in an Unsympathetic Environment
Hunting for a New Job While You are Still Employed
Infant Feeding and Breast-Feeding in the Office	127	(1)
Tasty Tidbits of Etiquette (for Your Business or Social Life)	127	(3)
Chapter 5: The Manners That Make Travel Easier	130	(20)
Ensuring a Pleasurable Trip	130	(8)
Having a Good Time with a Traveling Companion When You're Taking a Plane
Your Hotel Manners Your B&B Manners
Going on a Cruise?	138	(5)
How to Have a Happy Cruise
Remember Your Manners
Cruise Attire
Cruise Tipping
Women and Travel	143	(4)
Men and Women Traveling Together on Business
A Woman Traveling Alone
Some Practical Advice	147	(3)
Dealing with a Travel Agent
A Wise Move for the Overseas Traveler
Chapter 6: The Art of Tipping	150	(14)
General Guidelines on Tipping	150	(6)
At Restaurants
Valet Parking and Limousine Service When You're Taking a Taxi
When You Are Staying in a Hotel
If You're a Weekend Guest in a Home with a Domestic Staff
When You're at the Hairdresser
When You Are in a Railroad Club Car
Tip the Fast-Food Deliverer
Holiday Tipping	156	(6)
Tipping the People Who Serve You in Your Home
Holiday Tipping in Your Staffed Apartment House
When You Have Your Car in a Private Garage
When You Are in a Foreign Country	162	(2)
Chapter 7: Dressing Appropriately	164	(9)
Propriety and Appropriateness	164	(1)
At Church or Temple
The Right Thing to Wear-Women	165	(2)
What You Wear to a Cocktail Party
What You Wear to a Black Tie Affair
What You Wear to a White Tie Affair
What You Wear to Someone's Private Club
Women at Their Offices
The Right Thing to Wear-Men	167	(6)
Sandal Etiquette
Mens Fashion Disasters
Your Ties
Your Jewelry
What You Wear to a Black Tie Affair
What You Wear to a White Tie Affair
A Final Word of Advice
Chapter 8: Common Courtesies	173	(12)
Common Courtesies Appropriate When You Are Out and About	174	(7)
On the Street as Pedestrian or Driver
On Public Transportation
At Movies and in the Theater In the Supermarket
At the Beach or Camping At a Pool
The Magical Game Called Golf
Courtesies to Observe with Those You Encounter During Your Day	181	(4)
Your Manners with the Expert Professionals Who Serve You
Your Manners with Waiters
Your Manners with Tradespeople and Salespeople
Your Manners with Strangers Encountered Along the Way
Chapter 9: Table Manners That Take You Anywhere: The Right Thing to Do at Every Kind of Meal or, How to Avoid Being a Klutz	185	(34)
Table Manner Basics	186	(3)
Body Language at Table
General Rules on Conduct at Table
Dilemmas at Mealtime
Mealtime Decorum	189	(12)
Saying Grace
When Do You Start Eating?
Serving Yourself from a Platter
Taking Modest Portions Tasting Other People's Food
Diets, Diets, Diets
If You Spill at Table
Using Your Flatware Properly
Napkin Etiquette
Finger Bowls
How to Handle Different-and Sometimes Difficult-Foods	201	(20)
Hors d'oeuvres
Breads and Pastries
The Relish Tray
Appetizers
Meat
Fish
Lobster Pasta
Vegetables That Are Difficult to Eat
Salad Fresh Fruit Served at the End of a Meal
Informal Foods
PART 2 ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS ABOUT MANNERS YOU THOUGHT THAT NO ONE HAD TO ASK ANYMORE	219	(26)
Chapter 10: New Manners for an Ever-Changing Society	221	(18)
Dating Today	221	(6)
Asking the Person for the Date
Dating Manners
Who Pays for What
If You're Miserable on the Date
Give Blind Dates a Chance!
Sex-Good, Bad, and indifferent	227	(9)
What Do Manners, Compassion, and Character Have to Do with It?
When the Answer Is Yes
When the Answer Is No
When a Woman Is Afraid to Be Alone at Home with a Man
Bringing Up the Subject of Condoms
Safe Sex and Multiple Partners
A Homosexual Relationship
What to Tell the Mate of Someone Who's Playing Around
Pleasures and Pitfalls of the Office Romance	236	(1)
Sex and Sexism in the Office	237	(2)
Watch Your Language
When Sex Can Create Problems for a Woman Traveling Alone on Business
Sexual Harassment Is Not Just Against Women
Cohabitation Manners	239	(3)
Making a Commitment Even Though You Decide Not to Marry
The Romance Is Over	242	(3)
PART 3 THE RITES OF PASSAGE	245	(158)
Chapter 11: You're Engaged!	247	(12)
Telling the World Your Good News	247	(4)
When Announcing Your Engagement Is Not Necessary
Newspaper Announcement of the Engagement
The Engagement Ring	251	(2)
Celebrating the Engagement	253	(1)
The Engagement Party
Engagement Presents
Showers: Feting the Bride-to-Be
Asking Someone to Marry You	254	(5)
When a Woman Does the Proposing
When Your Answer Is "No"
Chapter 12: Weddings	259	(120)
The Architecture of a Beautiful First Wedding	260	(2)
The Homosexual Community's Wedding and Commitment Ceremonies	262	(2)
Acknowledgments for Commitment
Gifts or Baby Presents If the Couple Adopts a Baby
Your Wedding Invitations	264	(28)
Who Receives Your Invitations?
The Various Ways of Inviting Guests to the Wedding
The Formal Traditional Wedding Invitation
Addressing and Mailing the Invitations
The Correct Wording on Wedding Invitations
The Etiquette of Names on Wedding Invitations
The Separate Reception Invitation Card
The Ceremony Card
Soliciting a Reply to an Invitation
"At Home" Cards
A Pew Card
Admission Cards
Other Enclosures, Such as Maps and Special Parking Instructions
Wedding Announcements	292	(3)
The Announcement Text
How Much Will It Cost and Who Will Pay?	295	(3)
First, the Budget
Paying for It
Planning for a Perfect Wedding Day	298	(2)
Choosing the Time for the Religious
Ceremony Choosing the Place for the Wedding Service
Options That Make for a Happy Day
Keep Track of Important Details with a Wedding Planner	300	(5)
Invitation List
The Wedding Party
The Wedding Ceremony
Reception Planner
for a Large Wedding
Transportation Arrangements
Working with the Caterer	305	(1)
The Food at the Reception	306	(6)
Planning the Menu
The Presentation Is Important
The Wedding Cake
Flowers	312	(2)
Bridesmaids' Bouquets
Boutonnieres
Photography Requirements	314	(2)
The Bride's Portrait
The Candid Photographer
Music	316	(2)
Transportation	318	(1)
Wedding Attendants	318	(4)
The Brides Attendants
The Grooms Attendants
The Rehearsal	322	(2)
The Rehearsal Dinner
The Wedding Day Arrives!	324	(1)
Getting to the Church
Meanwhile, Inside the Church
Seating in the Front Pew on the Bride's Side
The Wedding Service	325	(9)
Music for the Ceremony
The Service Is About to Begin
The Processional Begins
The Role of the Bride's Attendants
Variations on Who Acts as the Father of the Bride
Giving the Bride Away
The Wedding Ring Is Placed on the Finger
Recitation of the Vows The Kiss
The Recessional
A Double Wedding Ceremony	334	(1)
The Pregnant Bride	335	(1)
A Small or Big Wedding at Home	335	(2)
Tenting Your Yard or Garden
The Reception	337	(9)
When the Wedding and Reception Place Are Combined Guest Book
The Receiving Line
Seating the Tables at the Reception
Wedding Toasts
The Bride's First Dance
Weddings in the Jewish Tradition	346	(4)
Invitations
Preparation for the Wedding Day
The Chuppa
The Processional
The Ceremony
The Recessional
The Reception
Interfaith Marriages	350	(3)
The Ecumenical Wedding Service
Another Option; Two Ceremonies
Wedding Apparel	353	(4)
The Bridal Attendants' Dresses
The Apparel of the Groomsmen
How the Guests Should Dress
The Wedding Ring	357	(1)
Announcement in the Newspaper	357	(1)
Last-Minute Wedding Disasters	358	(4)
Gifts	362	(3)
Wedding Gift Record Book
The Exchange of Gifts Within the Wedding Party
Gifts from Family and Friends to the Bride and Groom
Bridal Registry The Gift of Money
Returning and Exchanging Gifts
Thank-you Notes	365	(3)
Postponing the Wedding	368	(1)
Calling Off the Wedding	369	(1)
Prenuptial Agreements	370	(1)
When You Marry More Than Once	371	(8)
Who Does the Inviting?
Changes in the Ritual
How the Bride Dresses
The Ceremony
Parties and the Second Wedding
Gifts the Second Time Around
Stepchildren, Stepparents, and Grandparents
Chapter 13: Pregnancy, Birth, and Other Rites of Passage That Welcome a Child into the World	379	(13)
The Happiest Event of All: The Birth of a Baby	379	(2)
Polite Pregnancy at Work
Returning to Work After the Baby Is Born
Nursing the Baby
The Birth Announcement	381	(2)
How to React to a Birth Announcement
Extending Congratulations for the New Baby	383	(2)
Presents for the Parents
Presents for the Baby Studio Cards
Letters of Congratulation
Traditional Christian Ceremonies Marking the Child's Arrival and Maturation	385	(2)
The Christening
First Communion
Confirmation in the Protestant and Catholic Faiths
Traditional Jewish Ceremonies Marking the Child's Arrival and Maturation	387	(2)
Brith Milah
Bar and Bat Mitzvah
Confirmation
Special Birthdays for Girls	389	(3)
The Quinceañera
Sweet Sixteen Parties
Debutantes	390	(2)
Chapter 14: The Last Rite of Passage: Funerals	392	(11)
Taking Charge of the Arrangements	392	(3)
Preparing the Obituary
The Proprieties in Connection with a Funeral	395	(2)
What Do You Say?
Sending Flowers
Attire for Funerals
Ceremonies for or Honoring the Deceased	397	(4)
A Viewing or Wake
The Christian Funeral Service
A Cremation
Jewish Services
Memorial Service
After the Funeral or Memorial	401	(4)
The Survivor Writes a Thank-You
Showing Continuing Support
PART 4: THE ART OF ENTERTAINING	403	(160)
Chapter 15: Entertaining Today's Way	405	(135)
How Entertaining Brings Friends into Your Life	408	(1)
The Kinds of Entertaining People Love	409	(2)
Extending Invitations	411	(17)
How Far Ahead Do You Extend an Invitation?
Save-the Date Cards
Parts of a Formal Invitation
Who Does the Inviting?
The Language of Invitations ("Invitationese") Reminder Cards
Kinds of Invitations
Requesting a Reply
"No Gifts" on Invitations
An Invitation from the White House
When You Reply to an Invitation	428	(2)
Sending a Formal Written Reply
Get Yourself Organized	430	(8)
Basics of Good Entertaining Planning
Working with the Caterer
Sample Party Plans A Potluck Meal
Sample Plans for a Small Dinner
The Logistics of Planning a Large Dinner	438	(2)
The Cocktail Party	440	(9)
The Social Aspects of Alcohol
How Many Bars, How Much Help, and What Supplies Are Needed
A Cocktail Buffet
Cocktail Party Manners
An Invitation to Tea	449	(1)
Making an Effort: Set an Attractive Table	450	(10)
The Role of Linens in Table Settings
Decorating the Tables
Place Cards
Menu Cards
A Note About Today's Menus
Knowing the Rules for Contemporary Table Settings	460	(8)
What's on the Table at the Start of the Meal?
Salad Plates and the Service of Salad
Using the Right Flatware
The Table Accoutrements You Should Have for Entertaining Today	468	(3)
Buying Your China
Buying Table Linens
Buying Flatware
Buying Glassware
The Service of the Seated Meal-With or Without Help	471	(7)
Who Is Served First?
How Does the Waiter or Waitress Serve?
Serving a Dinner Party of Six Without Help
Training Young People to Wait on Table
Advice to Waitstaff on Serving a Typical Three-Course Meal
The Art of the Service of Wine	478	(12)
Tips on the Service of Wine
The Major Categories of Wine and Their Proper Serving Temperatures
Champagne Etiquette
After-Dinner Drinks
How to Open a Wine Bottle
Tasting the Wine at Home
Tasting the Wine in a Good Restaurant
Wineglasses
How Much Wine to Buy
Wine Stains
Wine and Champagne Savers
Storing Your Wine
Serving Memorable Food	490	(5)
Ways to Interest Yourself in Cooking for Guests
How Many Courses Should You Serve?
Advice for Making Entertaining Easy, Attractive-and Memorable	495	(3)
Alternative Party Ideas	498	(3)
The Garage Party
Parties Around Games That Require Using Your Wits
An Exercise Party
Entertaining Out and About	501	(5)
Your Personal Touch
Things to Remember Restaurant Manners
Music Makes the World Go Round	506	(4)
Background Music
Dance Music
Hiring a Musician or Any Kind of Performer
Using Recorded Music
Protocol for You, Not Just for Royalty	510	(12)
How to Receive Your Guests
Name Badges
Signing the Guest Book
Seating Arrangements
The Script for an Official Social Function
Toasting Is an Art and an Important Part of Protocol	522	(4)
Short Toasts
What Prompts a Toast?
When Do You Toast?
Loving Care of the Weekend Houseguest	526	(7)
Whom to Invite
When Not to Invite Houseguests
Getting Yourself Organized
Preparing the House
How to Plan the Food
Necessary Attributes in an Accomplished Weekend Host
The Houseguest Who Is Always Invited Back	533	(4)
A Houseguest with a Present Is More Welcome Than One Without
Not to Forget: The Thank-you Letter
Remember This About the Entire Subject of Entertaining	537	(1)
The Most Prestigious Invitation of Them All: Dinner at the White House	537	(3)
Chapter 16: Gifts That Show You Care	540	(23)
When You Send Flowers	540	(1)
When a Wedding Is in the Offing	541	(5)
How Many Showers Are Too Many?
Bar Shower
Wedding Presents
The Bride's Dilemma: To Return or Not to Return Gifts
Presents for the Holidays	546	(8)
Organizing the List
Baking and Making Your Own Gifts
Organizing Your Own Family's Christmas Day
Thank-you's for Holiday Gifts
Business Holiday Gifts
Hanukkah Presents
Gift Suggestions for Other People and Other Occasions	554	(6)
Baby Presents and Christening Presents
Suggestions for Gifts to Give Teenage Children on Any Occasion
Gifts for the Elderly For Someone Who Is Seriously Ill or Injured .
A Houseguest's Present for the Host
Gifts for a Housewarming
A Little Advice	560	(3)
PART 5: DIFFICULT TIMES: HEALING YOURSELF AND OTHERS WHEN TROUBLE STRIKES	563	(30)
Chapter 17: How to Help Someone Deal with the Loss of a Spouse	565	(12)
Dealing with a Divorce	565	(2)
How Should You Behave When You Have Divorced?
How Should People Behave When Their Friends Divorce?
When You Are Widowed	567	(4)
Dating Again and Remarriage
When You're on Your Own Again	571	(6)
The Task of Healing Yourself
A Real Friend
There Is a Difference Between Alone and Lonely
The Newly Single Woman's Name
Chapter 18: When Someone Is Ill or Injured	577	(8)
Minding Your Manners in the Hospital	577	(2)
When a Good Friend Develops a Life-Threatening Disease	579	(3)
When You Have a Good Friend with AIDS
What You Say to the Person Who Has Just Suffered a Loss	582	(3)
When Someone Loses a Lover
When a Parent Loses a Child
When Your Friend Has a Miscarriage
Chapter 19: Making Things Right: When You've Really Messed Up. Send Roses	585	(8)
Making Amends	588	(3)
Your Guests Have Arrived But You Have Mixed Up the Dates and Not Realized Tonight is Your Sit-Down Dinner Party
When You Commit a Serious Gaffe in Making Introductions
Control That Temper!	591	(2)
PART 6 THE KEY TO GOOD COMMUNICATION: MORE THAN ELECTRONICS	593	(92)
Chapter 20: How to Be an Interesting Conversationalist	595	(15)
The Two V's: Voice and Vocabulary	596	(1)
The Force of a Dynamic Vocabulary
Can We Start a Literacy Crusade in the Workplace?
Small Talk	597	(2)
When Not to Make Small Talk
So What Are You Going to Talk About?	599	(3)
If You Don't Want to Be a Bore
Extricating Yourself from a Conversational Dilemma	602	(3)
The Conversational Hero
Handling Prying Personal Relationship Questions
The Art of Giving and Receiving Compliments	605	(5)
Compliments as Icebreakers When Conversation Has Bogged Down
Know How to Accept a Compliment
When You Notice a Friend's Physical Change for the Better-or If You Notice It's a Change for the Worse
Chapter 21: Great Telephone Manners at Home	610	(10)
How You Sound Affects How People See You and Feel Toward You	610	(6)
Its Important to Teach Telephone Manners to the Children, Which Means You Have Good Ones Yourself!
Telephone Security When the Kids Are Home
The Office Telephone
Taking Good Messages
Dealing with a Well-Mannered Answering Machine	616	(4)
Good Manners for the Answering Machine Owner (or Voice Mail User)
Advice to the Person Leaving a Message
A Caution About Answering Machines Cell Phone Etiquette
Chapter 22: Classic Correspondence: Writing Good Letters and Notes	620	(30)
When an E-mail Isn't Appropriate	620	(1)
The Old-Fashioned Letter	620	(2)
Helpful Hints on Letter Writing	622	(1)
Writing Good Letters
Negatives to Watch Out For
Letters That Fit the Occasion	623	(9)
Business Letters
Thank-you Letters
Letters of Complaint
Letters of Reference
Letters of Congratulation
Catch-up Letters
Letters of Apology
Condolence Letters
Love Letters
Notes	632	(3)
Greeting Cards and Holiday Messages	635	(3)
Christmas Cards
Holiday Newsletters
The Personal Stationery You Use	638	(5)
Single Stationery Half Sheets
Correspondence Cards Letter Paper for Everyday Use
Very Nice to Have Monograms-Single and Married
The Electronic Revolution	643	(7)
Tech Manners in the Midst of New Signals, Flashes, Dashes, Squeaks, Vibrations, and Above All, Unidentifiable Noises
The Best Part of This New Society
Yes, E-mails Have Their Own Etiquette, Too
E-mails: Wing-footed Messengers of Speed Beepers and Pagers
The Speakerphone
Chapter 23: Addressing People Properly	650	(35)
How Should You Be Addressed?	650	(2)
When You Change Your Name
When Writing Letters or Speaking to Someone	652	(5)
Writing to People with Professional Titles
Using "Ms." When a Man Is a Jr., Sr., 2nd, 3rd, or 4th
Using "Messrs."
Addressing Envelopes for Invitations
When You Don't Have a Clue About the Person to Whom You Are Writing
The Southern Use of "Sir" or "Ma'am"
Calling People by Their First or Last Names
How to Address Specific Groups	657	(28)
United States Officials
Addressing Women
"The Honorable"-A Title of Respect in America
The British: Our Friends with Many Titles
Diplomatic Protocol with Other Nations
Western European Titles
The United Nations
Military Rank
Religious Officials
Foreign Professionals
For Questions Relating to Protocol
Afterword	685	(2)
Index	687

Excerpts

Introduction

Manners from the Heart

This book is nothing if not a personal statement. You can hear my own voice clearly all the way through it -- sometimes full of enthusiasm and sounding like a cheerleader, sometimes showing complete disapproval (Don't go there, don't do that!) and at other times evincing a mixture of shock and acceptance of reality. (It doesn't mean you have to like it, it simply means you have to live with it, and then, for heaven's sake, move on!) In the present, we don't have time to challenge everything in behavior that seems to have gone wrong in the last half century, so we should pick our battles wisely and well. I first began to write about manners in my American embassy days in Paris and Rome, only as a sideline to my business. Then I took over Amy Vanderbilt's work in the 1970s after her death, and since then I have written a dozen books on etiquette and entertaining under my own name. In the decade since I wrote myComplete Guide to the New Manners, there have been manifold changes in people's lifestyles, marriage rituals, eating habits, language, entertaining concepts, work habits, child-raising, and sexual behavior.

I have combined advice and information for a person's private and business lives under the covers of this one book, because the two worlds so overlap today, it's difficult to separate them anymore. Even volunteer work today often requires management expertise with big budgets and regulatory issues. Today in books "less is more" from where I sit. At times it seems people in business do not have the time to read anything longer than a cartoon. What could easily be four books on the subject of etiquette must now be shrink-wrapped into one. Moses was lucky. His rules were written in stone. Our modern ones are more like skywriting. In my writing I have been obliged to rewrite some of the rules of manners that I had thought were inextricably woven into the fabric of our society, destined to lie there calmly and gracefully forever. I marvel at the way girls my age grew up, decades ago, accepting without contention our mothers' decisions on how to dress, how to wear our hair, and at times, it seemed, how to breathe. When my mother saw me dressed in a cotton dress, with bare legs and sandals on a ninety-nine-degree day, she would make me change and put on stockings, whether I was on my way to play in a piano recital or do an errand for her at the neighborhood grocery store. In public one wasalwaysproperly dressed, or else one did not emerge.

And then there is the major revolution in how we communicate with one another, using the in-your-face products handed to us by the world leaders of technology. These products in turn spawn the need for other sets of rules governing the way people use their little gadgets that ring, buzz, and throb like agitated beehives, completely upsetting the peace and serenity of anyone within hearing distance. If Thomas Edison were alive today, he would be appalled at what has happened to his telephone -- and to the manners of the customers who use them.

Compassion is a wonderful thing, and the more I study the field of behavior from a sociological point of view, the more I realize that a society without compassion, even with all the right rules of behavior, is a dead one. It's very hard to live without structure, and manners are the best vehicle there is to provide us with it. They give us security, a feeling that if we do the right thing and avoid the wrong thing, everything will be all right. The trick is to know in advance what is the right thing, so you can avoid the other. Your heart will usually tell you which way to go, because remember, good manners (keep remembering there arebadmanners, too) are soft and full of heart, not hardened with selfishness.

InNew Mannersmy editor has allowed me to use my own way of talking as I write -- at times rather breezy and slangy. There are many new subjects introduced that have never before been treated in etiquette books, but the old traditional ones are given their proper place too, including advice on how to get married. (The traditionalists alas are being run over and squashed in the marketplace by a thundering herd of product sellers and so-called "wedding planners," who wouldn't recognize respect for the ritual and traditions if they saw them!)

But disapproval of another's choices is not allowable. People can get married any way they please. We are a great, vigorous, ambitious country, formed by people from every nation in the world, and untrammeled by our past. We are a miraculous mixture of many colors, races, religions, and values. Let's hope that our new young leaders will simply wander to the etiquette section of libraries and bookstores once in a while and take a good long, hard look. Of course, I must admit it's difficult to be wrestling with the subtleties of marriage customs, when at the same time there is a rising number of people proudly advocating for cohabitationwithout marriage. Our times are -- well -- screwy.

My book is new in that advice and information for a person's private and working lives are cojoined instead of being separated into two books. The two worlds overlap so thoroughly, it is sometimes difficult to distinguish between them these days, what with stay-at-home fathers, single mothers taking care of the children and bringing in the bread, more and more people working from their homes, and children growing up sometimes forced to cope with three or four sets of parents. Therefore, take your pick of the advice, anything from instructions on how to use a fork and knife (carefully, please) to suggestions for a nice way to celebrate a baby's birth or to respectfully mourn someone's passing. It's all about getting throughlifein the best and happiest way.

It's important to understand the difference between manners and etiquette: Etiquette is protocol, a set of behavior rules you can memorize like a map, which will guide you safely through life. Manners are much more, since they are an expression from the heart on how to treat others whether you care about them or not. Manners teach you how to value another's self-esteem and to protect that person's feelings. Etiquette consists of firm rules made by others who have come before, telling you to do this and do that on specific occasions. Etiquette means acting with grace and efficiency, very laudable in itself, but your manners areyours, yours to use in making order out of chaos, making people feel comfortable, and giving pleasure to others. Etiquette is at times stiff and starchy (watch an official receiving line if you want to see an example of it). Manners are taking aside a guest standing in that line who obviously is bewildered and doesn't know what to do, and whispering to that person how to proceed. "No, don't embrace the host. Shake her hand, state your name clearly with a big smile on your face, and tell her how delighted you are to meet her."

The primary purpose of any book on manners is to provide guidelines about thehow, what, where, when, andwhyin the social graces. In arming yourself with this knowledge, you develop a sense of security. You're reassured that the way you're behaving is the right way. This is also a book aboutbeing happy, which is not a contradiction in terms, because when you're nice to someone else (even just a stranger on the telephone), that someone else is nice back to you, and suddenly two people feel good about themselves and each other, and spread their good feelings. And that's what happiness is.

Times are tough. And yet, there's great energy out there -- a great capacity for good everywhere that human beings are. It's in the air. We just have to act positively, seize the initiative, and hold on tight. If we open our eyes wide and remove their fixation on a screen so we can see reality, not images around us, if we remove our cell phones so we can hear the world around us, and if we look and talk to one another, we'll find that energy. We'll be able to channel it toward the solution of human problems. We'll be nice to one another, even when we don't feel like it. We'll start getting along well, even with strangers, even when we're being given the runaround in a crowded store or even when someone who doesn't like the way we drive is honking and hurling strong epithets at us. (Instead of giving that person the finger in return, we just might concentrate on being a better driver and hope that the other driver's obviously traumatized life eases up, and that he hasn't sprained that overused finger.)

If we channel the energy that's in the air, negatives can be willed into positives, and we can all move toward a solution of today's common problems. My definition of a really admired person -- someone who has real class -- is a person who has only one kind of manners: the caring kind. I remember hearing the late Ambassador Clare Boothe Luce (at that time my boss at our embassy in Rome, but at all times my role model and mentor) answer a reporter who had asked for a definition of "a really classy person." The reporter's notebook and pen were poised for a typically long Luce dissertation. "A person with class is someone you want to be around -- all the time," she answered simply.

The reporter paused and finally asked, "That's it?"

"There's no need for anything more," she replied.

Today's real manners, the kind that describe someone others want to be around, are those that:

• Make you pick up a piece of litter someone left on your neighbor's sidewalk -- or on anyone's sidewalk, for that matter.

• Cause you to rush to a friend's house to see what you can do when you hear a member of that person's family is in trouble.

• Inspire you to go up to the hired waitress at your dinner party who has just dropped a large platter of sliced veal all over the floor in front of your guests, to help her clean up the mess, and then to pat her arm and tell her to forget about it -- " It doesn't matter at all."

• Make you realize that it's not worthwhile wondering who should go through the revolving door first, but it is worthwhile rushing to help an elderly or disabled stranger through the revolving door.

• Help you notice some tiny garnet roses in a shop window, so you buy a small bouquet of them to bring home to your spouse or your significant other or maybe to a child.

• Motivate you to jump into a conversational lull when someone has just said something embarrassing, thus restarting everyone's conversation so that the one who made the gaffe can pull himself together again.

• Cause you to discover, when your longtime laundryman delivers the shirts, that it's the man's twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, so you give him the bottle of champagne you were saving in the fridge for your own special occasion.

• Have you bring an entire supper over to a family on their moving day.

• Remind you that a friend's car is being repaired, and the person desperately needs it today, so you lend yours.

• Make you rip an article out of one of your magazines, to send to a friend or colleague who would be greatly interested in it.

• Motivate you to leave a big bunch of balloons in the office of a friend who has something to cheer about.

• Cause you to buy a special-interest self-help book for a young person who is just starting a job in that field.

• Remind you to buy some concert tickets as a gift and arrange transportation for a lonely elderly friend whose great love is music.

Today that person who's so nice to be around, as Clare Luce put it, is not the Mr. Billionaire-Business-Whiz kid who yells obscenities at his driver when he makes a mistake, or the Mrs. Nouveau-Riche who screams at her maid when she can't find her pantyhose.

That person who's so nice to be around:

• Is a consummate host.

• Is a consummate guest.

• Has good table manners.

• Has a pleasant, well-modulated voice, uses good grammar, and has a graceful vocabulary.

• Is someone who returns others' hospitality, gifts, dinner invitations, and kindnesses in a grateful, generous manner.

• Is a good communicator -- someone who makes telephone calls, sends e-mails, and writes letters, who is in touch with people, instead of expecting everyone else to communicate with her.

• Seeks out the wallflower at a social event and brings that person into the group.

• Is a person who rises to defend anyone who is being unfairly criticized.

• Is a conveyor of good, not bad, news.

• Is adept at making introductions and being introduced, saying hello or good-bye -- and makes everyone feel good while it's happening.

The crux of everything said above, and of everything in this book, of course, is thehome. Home is where itallstarts -- manners, good character, values, ethics, social conscience. Home is where a child witnesses and can absorb the good example of caring parents or relatives. Home is where comfort and support can be found, where one person automatically makes an effort to help other members of the family and, in turn, is helped himself. Talk about success -- a happy home is what real success is about, the proof positive of thinking about other people, of having their comfort and their happiness in mind. Home is where the discipline is, too -- that wonderful magical chisel that sculpts the child into a beautiful work of art -- a nice, in-control human being. Home is where the small child learns not just from parents but from grandparents, too, so that the child will be a shining mirror image of the best of both generations.

But wait a minute. Isn't this picture unrealistically rosy for these times? Where are all the homes today in which the small child grows up in the constant company of both parents and grandparents? Isn't Mom off working? Are the parents divorced? Is there a confusion of stepparents and stepchildren around? Is the television going all the time so that no one has to talk -- either about her own problems or someone else's? Are the family teenagers off on their own, out of the home, doing their own thing most of the time? Isn't anyone who happens to be home likely to be standing around the fridge or the microwave, eating with his fingers, while the nurturing dining table -- the seat of conversation, manners, and the learning of human skills -- stands there empty, unused, except as a storage surface?

And how about the delicious interchange of generations that used to be grouped around the dining table? Is the surviving grandparent in a retirement home? Is everyone too tired at night to sit down and just talk to one another? Where is the humanity in all this?

I believe in fighting. Since the development and polishing of manners is not a one-shot operation but a continuous process that begins no place else but home, I think we can fight to put the home back in all of us again. And if we don't have children, then we can spend a lot of time with someone else's, who are perhaps neglected in this early training of manners, morals, ethics, and values. How about inviting a niece, nephew, grandchild, or godchild over for dinner? Every time you throw in a little lesson on how to act, making it fun and following it up with a favorite food, that child is going to love you and learn from you.

First the youngster may learn what not to do. ("Don't scream while at the table, and for heaven's sake, take your fingers out of the salad plate!") Next, the child learns how to do the nice thing -- a big step up, by the way, from simply knowing not to do something wrong. (Suddenly you'll hear your child say, "Can I bring this present to Suzy's house, Mommy? I think she'd like it. Teacher says she's sick and feels really bad.") Then you'll see the proof that your child has a heart, and you can pat yourself on the back. This is how manners are gradually built into a young person's character. This is how a beautiful human being is formed -- one who will walk through life automatically reacting in a "you-they" way, instead of an "I-me" way.

Growing children aren't the only ones who need others to care about them. We all do. In a fast-moving, high-pressure age, the need to behappyis universal. Late in the 1970s, I completely revisedThe Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, the first of a series of books on manners. It addressed problems created by the social confusion of the sixties, a decade in which we survived the antiestablishment youth rebellion, the shock of women leaving home and going to work, and the blurring in definition of men's and women's roles. In the 1980s, I wrote myNew Complete Guide to Executive Manners, to help that increasing population of families who spend most of their time at work to feel more secure in their relationships in that environment. I followed that book with myNew Complete Guide to a Great Social Life, because so many young people in the workplace -- and other singles, too -- complained to me that they really didn'thavea social life in this busy world. Then cameMore Than Manners!on the subject of instilling character in children. With each book addressing these human concerns, I have found people increasingly thirsty for knowledge about what to do and when to do it, and for information on how to showtheir awarenessof other people's feelings.

In 1923, Emily Post wrote the first really comprehensive book telling Americans how to behave. Her readers -- middle- and upper-middle-class people -- listened and learned, eager to move up another notch in their own social stratum. This was long before such terms as "diversity" "multicultural," "tolerance," and a "celebration of differences" were integrated into our vocabulary.

Some of us are still trying to rise to the next social level, enabled by a goodly supply of money and natural good manners. Many more of us are curious about the meaning of all this society-protocol-etiquette business. What does "the right thing" mean in any given situation, and just what is "proper behavior" in trying situations that no one has ever had to face before? We are a charge-ahead democratic society, perplexed by the new challenges. We'll get there. We just need to self-educate ourselves more. And observe. And listen. And read. And while we're doing all that,we will have learned how to cope.

Probably most of us would like to be thought of by others as moving through the world with grace and ease -- no simple skill. There is no one-week, easy cram course for it. One of the great things about growing older -- into your forties, fifties, sixties, and onward -- is that the longer you live, the more you know about how to handle yourself, what to do and when to do it. Unfortunately, you can't call up answers to social problems with a flick of a key and a glance at the monitor screen. They're never that simple.

It's a question of learning and using the proper mix of information and consideration -- whether you're tipping someone, coping with your grandmother when she comes to live with you or with an adult child who won't leave the nest, dealing with the plumber or a member of the board of directors, or talking to your boss as you're waiting together in an airport for three hours. By the time you have an instinctive feel for what to do in all these situations, you could write this book -- and I'd be the first to read it!

If you believe that the definition of happiness is having good relationships, and if you believe that good manners are essential to that feeling, then you must also believe that one natural result of a person's good manners is that individual's state of happiness.

Good relationships don't just happen in the everyday course of events. They are the result of someone's hard work and caring. They are constantly, dynamically changing, being refined and fine-tuned. We can't escape a constant interaction with people (unless we choose to live as hermits). We interact all day long with family members, friends, and just plain people -- the people at our place of work, in the gas station, on the bus, at our house of worship. We react to the toll-road ticket taker, the doctor, barber, manicurist, and to the people who deliver our packages, collect our garbage, and read our utility meters. They are, each and every one, individuals worthy of respect and consideration; when they behave as if they are not and are beastly to us, we must find a way to control our anger, so that we do not take it out on another human being. (When I am unjustly treated in a nasty manner, I immediately imagine myself sticking many pins into a pin cushion, and in my mind that takes care of the person who did me wrong. I recommend you find your own avenue of harmless revenge.)

When we graduate from the self-obsessed "I-I-Me-Me" school of philosophy into a life of caring about other people, we begin to react automatically to those other people, whether they are close friends or not. We react in a uniform, decent, and considerate manner. It's not something we stop to think about. We just do it.

Copyright © 2003 by Letitia Baldrige

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Excerpted from Letitia Baldrige's New Manners for New Times: A Complete Guide to Etiquette by Letitia Baldrige
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.