9780399159015

Let's Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir)

by
  • ISBN13:

    9780399159015

  • ISBN10:

    0399159010

  • Format: Hardcover
  • Copyright: 4/17/2012
  • Publisher: Amy Einhorn Books/Putnam

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Summary

For fans of Tina Fey and David Sedaris-Internet star Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, makes her literary debut. Jenny Lawson realized that the most mortifying moments of our lives-the ones we'd like to pretend never happened-are in fact the ones that define us. In Let's Pretend This Never Happened, Lawson takes readers on a hilarious journey recalling her bizarre upbringing in rural Texas, her devastatingly awkward high school years, and her relationship with her long-suffering husband, Victor. Chapters include: "Stanley the Magical, Talking Squirrel"; "A Series of Angry Post-It Notes to My Husband"; "My Vagina Is Fine. Thanks for Asking"; "And Then I Snuck a Dead Cuban Alligator on an Airplane." Pictures with captions (no one would believe these things without proof) accompany the text.

Author Biography

Jenny Lawson is a columnist and one of the most popular bloggers on Twitter (hundreds of thousands of followers). Her blog, www.thebloggess.com, averages between 2-3 million page views per month. Jenny lives in the Texas Hill Country with her husband and daughter.

Table of Contents

Introductionp. 1
I Was a Three-Year-Old Arsonistp. 3
My Childhood: David Copperfield Meets Guns & Ammo Magazinep. 9
Stanley, the Magical Talking Squirrelp. 22
Don't Tell Your Parentsp. 30
Jenkins, You Motherfuckerp. 37
If You Need an Arm Condom, It Might Be Time to Reevaluate Some of Your Life Choicesp. 46
Draw Me a Fucking Dogp. 58
And That's Why Neil Patrick Harris Would Be the Most Successful Mass Murderer Everp. 70
No One Ever Taught Me Couch Etiquettep. 79
Just Your Average Engagement Storyp. 83
It Wasn't Stewp. 88
Married on the Fourth of Julyp. 95
There's No Place Like Homep. 100
A Series of Helpful Post-it Notes I Left Around the House for My Husband This Weekp. 105
The Dark and Disturbing Secrets HR Doesn't Want You to Knowp. 111
If You See My Liver, You've Gone Too Farp. 125
My Vagina Is Fine. Thanks for Askingp. 134
Phone Conversation I Had with My Husband After I Got Lost for the Eighty Thousandth Timep. 140
And Then I Got Stabbed in the Face by a Serial Killerp. 146
Thanks for the Zombies, Jesusp. 164
Making Friends with Girlsp. 169
I Am the Wizard of Oz of Housewives (In That I Am Both "Great and Terrible" and Because I Sometimes Hide Behind the Curtains)p. 191
The Psychopath on the Other Side of the Bathroom Doorp. 201
An Open Letter to My Husband, Who Is Asleep in the Next Roomp. 209
Just to Clarify: We Don't Sleep with Goatsp. 212
Stabbed by Chickenp. 221
It Wasn't Even My Crackp. 238
Honestly, I Don't Even Know Where I Got That Machete: A Comic Tragedy in Three Farts Daysp. 247
I'm Going to Need an Old Priest and a Young Priestp. 258
And That's Why You Should Learn to Pick Your Battlesp. 277
Hairless Rats: Free for Kids Onlyp. 282
And Then I Snuck a Dead Cuban Alligator on an Airplanep. 287
You Can't Go Home Again (Unless You Want to Get Mauled by Wild Dogs)p. 297
Epiloguep. 307
The End (Sort of)p. 309
True Factsp. 815
Acknowledgmentsp. 317
Table of Contents provided by Ingram. All Rights Reserved.

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