Let's Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir)

by Lawson, Jenny

• ISBN13: 9780399159015
• ISBN10: 0399159010
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2012-04-17
• Publisher: Amy Einhorn Books/Putnam

Summary

For fans of Tina Fey and David Sedaris-Internet star Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, makes her literary debut. Jenny Lawson realized that the most mortifying moments of our lives-the ones we'd like to pretend never happened-are in fact the ones that define us. In Let's Pretend This Never Happened, Lawson takes readers on a hilarious journey recalling her bizarre upbringing in rural Texas, her devastatingly awkward high school years, and her relationship with her long-suffering husband, Victor. Chapters include: "Stanley the Magical, Talking Squirrel"; "A Series of Angry Post-It Notes to My Husband"; "My Vagina Is Fine. Thanks for Asking"; "And Then I Snuck a Dead Cuban Alligator on an Airplane." Pictures with captions (no one would believe these things without proof) accompany the text.

Author Biography

Jenny Lawson is a columnist and one of the most popular bloggers on Twitter (hundreds of thousands of followers). Her blog, www.thebloggess.com, averages between 2-3 million page views per month. Jenny lives in the Texas Hill Country with her husband and daughter.

Table of Contents

Introduction	p. 1
I Was a Three-Year-Old Arsonist	p. 3
My Childhood: David Copperfield Meets Guns & Ammo Magazine	p. 9
Stanley, the Magical Talking Squirrel	p. 22
Don't Tell Your Parents	p. 30
Jenkins, You Motherfucker	p. 37
If You Need an Arm Condom, It Might Be Time to Reevaluate Some of Your Life Choices	p. 46
Draw Me a Fucking Dog	p. 58
And That's Why Neil Patrick Harris Would Be the Most Successful Mass Murderer Ever	p. 70
No One Ever Taught Me Couch Etiquette	p. 79
Just Your Average Engagement Story	p. 83
It Wasn't Stew	p. 88
Married on the Fourth of July	p. 95
There's No Place Like Home	p. 100
A Series of Helpful Post-it Notes I Left Around the House for My Husband This Week	p. 105
The Dark and Disturbing Secrets HR Doesn't Want You to Know	p. 111
If You See My Liver, You've Gone Too Far	p. 125
My Vagina Is Fine. Thanks for Asking	p. 134
Phone Conversation I Had with My Husband After I Got Lost for the Eighty Thousandth Time	p. 140
And Then I Got Stabbed in the Face by a Serial Killer	p. 146
Thanks for the Zombies, Jesus	p. 164
Making Friends with Girls	p. 169
I Am the Wizard of Oz of Housewives (In That I Am Both "Great and Terrible" and Because I Sometimes Hide Behind the Curtains)	p. 191
The Psychopath on the Other Side of the Bathroom Door	p. 201
An Open Letter to My Husband, Who Is Asleep in the Next Room	p. 209
Just to Clarify: We Don't Sleep with Goats	p. 212
Stabbed by Chicken	p. 221
It Wasn't Even My Crack	p. 238
Honestly, I Don't Even Know Where I Got That Machete: A Comic Tragedy in Three Farts Days	p. 247
I'm Going to Need an Old Priest and a Young Priest	p. 258
And That's Why You Should Learn to Pick Your Battles	p. 277
Hairless Rats: Free for Kids Only	p. 282
And Then I Snuck a Dead Cuban Alligator on an Airplane	p. 287
You Can't Go Home Again (Unless You Want to Get Mauled by Wild Dogs)	p. 297
Epilogue	p. 307
The End (Sort of)	p. 309
True Facts	p. 815
Acknowledgments	p. 317
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