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CHAPTER 1 ——————————
Snapshot Skills
PUTTING YOUR BEST FACE FORWARD
When new matches click on your online dating profile, photos are the very first thing they’ll see. When you meet online, it’s impossible to gauge whether you’ll have thatje ne sais quoiwith each other, but photos help determine potential. So don’t give your matches a reason to pass you over. Follow these simple tips for uploading fantastic shots that will get you noticed and inspire your profile visitors to click the “email you” button stat.
Your photos are your digital wingman—they talk you up and can get someone interested in meeting you. Just as you wouldn’t want a selfish, unkempt, or unreliable wingman, you shouldn’t have unsuitable profile pics. Choose your photos just as carefully as you would your pals.
You don’t want to end up in a profile photo rut like my client Sean. His eternal modus operandi was to use the same exact full-length photo (hands on hips and airbrushed so heavily it looked one-dimensional) over and over. He then made multiple copies, tilted his feet in different directions so his stance appeared varied, and added different stock images of a bar, a club, or a restaurant for the backdrop of each one so he’d be “virtually” in different locations. But trust me, the ladies were not fooled. And it’s not just because his knees don’t line up with his ankles—how many twenty-somethings take photos in front of a sweeping staircase . . . in the same suit they wore beachside?
I’ve seen firsthand how much photo selection matters. Another client, Stella, a longtime online dater in her forties, still hadn’t met her match. Although she’s a VP on Wall Street, her inbox was flooded with bikers, boozers, and ballers. I knew she was trying to give sexy digital vibes, but her sultry photos were attracting the wrong kinds of men. After I deleted her selects, searched through her photo collection, and uploaded pictures that represented her independent and sassy lifestyle, her entire online dating experience changed for the better.
But don’t just take it from me—studies prove that even just having a profile pic in the first place makes you immediately more desirable.
eFlirt Byte: According to Match.com, you’re sixteen times more likely to get a response with photos than without.
So this is no time to complain that you’re not photogenic; it’s time to face your recent pictures, pixel by pixel. But before you upload anything, let’s delete the photos that should never make their way into digital flirting territory.
Photo Fails
Group shots.Having friends in your photos is never a good idea. If your pal is the same sex as your match, viewers could conclude that he or she is an ex and that you’re not over your old flame or that you date around a lot. On the flip side, if your best shot is with a same-sex friend, your match could get the hots for him or her instead of you. And if there are more than a few pals in the photo, not only do the above issues apply, but it can also be challenging to decipher who you are.
Family photos.If you have children, there’s no doubt you have a lot of pictures with them. But including young ones in your profile shows your matches that you’re not concerned about your children’s privacy, even before they’re old enough to join Facebook. Likewise, steer clear of photos with aunts, uncles, Mom, and Dad. Trust me, your online dating profile is not the place for meeting parents; it sets an intimacy level that you haven’t yet achieved.
Too much skin.Bikinis and boxers beware! Virtually baring it all isn’t just eFlirting, it’s the equivalent of a drunken make-out in the dark corner of a bar. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, nearly naked photos and sultry stares send the entirely opposite message. So keep your clothes on, and remember that digital sex appeal is all about subtlety—showing a little leg or cleavage can never hurt.
Sans you.Speaking of which, any photos that do not include yourself—like sunsets, pets, and cars—should be avoided. Unless you’re a photographer by trade, these photos don’t add anything. They just detract from the main event: you!
Black, white, and sepia.Anything less than a full-color photo makes it hard for others to determine your true look and, therefore, chemistry potential. While mobile photo apps and filters such as Instagram are popular, use them sparingly. Something simple like light color saturation is OK, but a washed-out image has the same effect as black-and-white.
Disguises.Hats, sunglasses, and anything else that covers your face should be avoided. You want to evoke confidence, and hiding behind these things has the opposite effect. If you must upload a photo inspired by celebrity camouflage, stick to one, and make sure that you balance it with others where you can clearly see your whole face.
Self-portraits.Photos taken by yourself, whether in the mirror, at arm’s length, or on a webcam should be deleted ASAP. These photos never capture your best angle. And let’s face it, the poor-man’s-photographer approach points out that either your social life is lacking or you’re embarrassed to ask a friend to snap a shot of you.
So Ctrl + Alt + Delete all photos that fit these criteria from your dating life.
Picture Perfect
Now, to put your best face forward, follow my rules for profile photo perfection.
Two to three close-ups.Without the ability to see your face clearly, your match will have a tough time determining if he or she finds you attractive. Upload a few close-ups, and make one your main pic. You want to strike an approachable attitude, from facial expression to body language, so showing your pearly whites in at least one of these images is a must. Avoid any telltale standoffish signs like crossed arms or scowls.
eFlirt Byte: OkCupid’s study on profile pictures reveals that women get the most messages when they’re making a flirty face in their main photo, while men get the best results if they’re looking slightly off-camera.
However, keep in mind that OkCupid’s demographics tend to skew a bit younger than, say, eHarmony. Blowing a kiss to the camera might work on OkCupid, but a simple smile will work best on less quirky sites.
One to two action shots.Providing your match with a sense of your lifestyle gives instant authenticity to your profile. Upload a photo of you skiing, singing, snorkeling, or doing whatever interests you most. It’s OK if you’re not entirely distinguishable in this shot, since you’ll have other clear images in your profile—as long as you don’t look unattractive. As a bonus, action photos are great conversation starters. If you’re swishing down the Alps and your match also loves skiing, you’ve given him or her an easy way to connect with you. Questions inspired by your photos are inevitable, so make sure you’re doing something conversation-worthy; think guitar strumming instead of chowing down. Without a good story to back up the photo, your emails to each other could fall flat.
One to two full-length pictures.Showing off your bod in a modest way will help you snag your perfect partner. There’s no need to hide; eventually, you’re going to have an in person date, so your match will get to see your goods in complete Technicolor glory. Flaunt what you’ve got with flattering, form-fitting clothes. Full-length photos also give your match the opportunity to check out your personal style from head to toe.
Represent the real-time you.While your online dating profile might not be a living, breathing Web page like your Facebook Timeline, it’s still important to represent who you are and what you look like today. So if you color your hair, grow a goatee, or cut your locks, your photos need to correspond. If your look is a revolving door, make sure that different photos represent a variety of the person your match might meet. If you wear contacts and glasses, post photos of both. Likewise, you want to represent your age, weight, and body shape accurately. Own those ten pounds you recently put on or the five you lost. Uploading photos from that one time seven years ago when you trained for a triathlon and were at the peak of physical shape won’t attract someone who will love you for the real-time you. Even if you think you look the same today as you did a few years ago, avoid uploading photos that are more than two years old so your match has the latest—and greatest—first impression. Remember, the real-time you will attract a real-time match.
Cropping makes you clickable.Don’t take any of these must-have photos at face value. Whether you’re cutting out food from a table or an ex’s hand that is entwined with yours, removing unnecessary distractions is always a good thing. Editing can even enhance photos that were taken professionally. For example, cropping a photo closely to one side of your face will remove symmetry to give the image a more casual look.
eFlirt Byte: HowAboutWe finds that users who upload at least three photos get twice as many messages as those with only one shot.
Ideally, you want to upload five to seven photos to give your match a complete picture of who you are. But if you don’t have all of these in your arsenal, three will do for now.
And of course, if you have some favorite shots of yourself above and beyond this list of must-haves, feel free to upload an extra image or two. You are your own best judge. Just be sure not to go overboard—using more than ten photos is overwhelming.
When I met my client Chris, he had nineteen photos uploaded to Match.com. Even though he was the kind of guy women would swoon over in person—handsome, educated, successful, and adventurous—his inbox was empty. I deleted all but six, and his inbox quickly filled up. You want matches to view your photos quickly, move on to reading your profile, and then message you. If it takes too long to complete one of these steps, you could lose them along the way.
The order of your pictures matters, too. The most important are your main pic and the last image—the initial and final impressions. So start with a close-up as your main photo, and end with your favorite from the rest of the bunch. In the middle, mix in your personality. Ideally, no two photos from the same categories should be side-by-side so you give the appearance of living a full lifestyle. The best order might be something like (1) close-up, (2) full-length, (3) close-up, (4) action shot, (5) full-length, (6) close-up, (7) action shot. Once they’re up, there’s no need to rotate the order much. Your main picture is the one you’ll want to update about every two months to keep things fresh, so either swap it out for another great close-up that’s already live on your page or upload a new one to give your profile a new look.
You probably already have photos that fit the profile photo must-have categories. But if you don’t, it’s time to start snapping some new shots. Uploading the best of your archives will do for now, though; it’s most important to move your dating life forward.
In the meantime, new photos can be taken by pals, or you can hire a professional photographer. Everyone has a different comfort level for lookin’ good. But regardless of how you’re going about snapping new shots, the real secret to amazing up-to-date shots is in the primping and the prep.
Primping
Wardrobe is crucial. Clothes are the Web 2.0 equivalent of nonverbal communication. So keep these outfit tips in mind:
VARIETY
When you’re snapping new photos, it’s important to switch up your outfits. Keep to my strict one-photo-per-outfit rule. No matter how fabulous you look in that black tank, three photos in one shirt will strike only one virtual note. Wearing the same outfit more than once not only means that your matches get to see just one side of who you are, but in the worst-case scenario, they might skip over your profile because that look doesn’t resonate with them. Glam it up for a shot of you in a little black dress (ladies) or a jacket (gents), dress it down with jeans and a tee, and get sporty if you’re active. Mixing and matching different looks from your life—from casual to semiformal—give your match multiple opportunities to find you attractive.
COLOR
For a woman, red is the best color you can wear in your main photo. Not only will it instantly jump out from the otherwise drab montage of black, gray, brown, and white outfits in your matches’ search results, but it’s also been scientifically proven that “red” is for “relationship.”
eFlirt Byte: A study at the University of Rochester examined the responses of men viewing pictures of women in different-colored outfits. In every single instance, the photos of women wearing red were rated significantly more attractive or sexually desirable.
For men, the masses tend to stick to earth tones, which means you should avoid them at all costs. Skip white, gray, black, and tan. These colors can make you blend into the background of a Web page, particularly when you’re being viewed in a small thumbnail. Go bold, but make sure the color you pick flatters your skin tone. If you tan well and have pink undertones to your skin, stick to cool shades like purple, blue, and pink. If you burn often in the sun and have yellow undertones, don warm hues like green, yellow, orange, and red. And if you’re not sure which of these makes the most sense but you have brilliant green or blue eyes, matching your clothes to your eye color will always make your skin glow.
Regardless of gender, solid colors always look best on-camera, so skip small, tight patterns. If you’re going to go with a print, make it bold so it’s clear what’s going on in the image.
KEEP IT SIMPLE
Don’t go too over-the-top with your wardrobe styling. One of my sixty-five-year-old clients posted a glamour shot of herself in a studded bra as her main photo! Her other favorite profile photos included a sheer dress sans bra, a full-on salsa-dancing outfit, and a skirt suit with a dramatic wide-brimmed, 1940s-style hat. Showing pixel personality is important, but the purpose of taking photos is to focus on capturing the essence of who you are in your everyday life.
Prepping
Even with the most amazing outfits, your shoot can fall apart if you fail at the prep work. Tick off each item below to ensure that you’re ready to get in front of the lens.
Ask questions now.If you have any hesitations, don’t wait until the day of your shoot to talk to whoever is taking your pics. Having peace of mind will help calm your nerves. See the “Going Pro” section below for the types of questions you might want to ask.
Don’t pregame.Drinking too much—the night before or during the shoot—will read in photos. Admit it, hungover or tipsy is never your best look.
Pack wisely.Bring hair product, makeup, deodorant, and any other primping items to refresh yourself throughout the shoot. When in doubt, throw it in your bag.
Be on time.Respect other people’s time by showing up a few minutes early. In the most extreme case, running late—particularly for a professional photographer—might mean a shorter shoot and not getting all of the right photos for your profile.
Sleep.A full night’s rest is worth its weight in gold. Feel guilt-free about going to bed early the night before so you’re fresh-faced for the shoot.
Pay up front.If you’re compensating the person behind the lens for his or her time, take care of payment in advance. Even if the photographer doesn’t ask you to pay ahead of time, it’s best to get this out of the way so you can be completely focused on the task at hand, instead of wondering where the closest ATM is.
Relax.Laugh at yourself for doing this—it’s OK! Taking a light-hearted approach to the whole situation will calm your demeanor and body language, allowing the best shots to come through the lens.
Going Pro
A trend I’ve noticed from working with hundreds of singles is that older and younger generations have opposite reactions to professional photos. Of course, this doesn’t apply to everyone but typically, twenty-somethings think professional photos are a little lame and reveal a lack of social life. Meanwhile, the fifty-plus crowd find professional shots a turn-on because they indicate that their match is successful enough to hire a photographer.
Regardless of your age, sometimes you just want to bring in a professional photographer to get the right shots. The important lesson is that younger singles should direct the photographer to take not-so-polished, lifestyle-type snapshots, images that don’t look so pro. More mature singles should get some relaxed shots, too, but focus at least half of the shoot on more professional-looking headshots. Either way, make sure you choose a photographer who has experience taking photos specifically for dating profiles. And ask to see examples of his or her work prior to booking. Head to the Resource section at eFlirtExpert.com/loveatfirstclick for recommendations in your area.
Since the goal is to make the pictures appear as natural as possible, a studio with one backdrop is not ideal. Outdoor shoots offer the most variety, but being indoors can work if the space is multidimensional. Ask in advance if the studio offers different settings, like a couch, a stairwell, or a window. Avoid obvious poses so your body language appears as natural as possible (no hand-on-cheek action!), and ask your photographer to frame shots so they’re not all perfectly composed. To get the most bang for your buck, make sure your shoot allows for at least three wardrobe changes.
Remember that the lighting of a professional studio is different from your bathroom vanity, so makeup—even for men—will help your complexion look more true to life in the final shot when you consider the harsh bulbs. If you’re clueless when it comes to makeup, it’s best to hire someone in the know. If you’re already going pro with a photographer, it makes sense to invest in a professional makeup artist, too. But if that’s not in your budget, I got the skinny from Stefanie Syat, a high-fashion makeup artist in NYC and the founder of Pre-Dame Makeup Party, a service for ladies that glams you up before going out. But don’t worry, guys, she’s worked on plenty of male mugs during her photo-shoot experience, too. Here are her tips for getting picture-perfect.
Makeup Must-Haves
Ladies.Use a sheer foundation that evens out your skin tone, but don’t cake it on. Focus around your nose to reduce redness. Powdering your T-zone is a must for indoor shoots—the artificial light picks up more textures than natural light. Avoid shimmer, too. Lighting can make a sparkly area appear oily instead of effervescent, so use matte eye shadows, and try to find a bronzer without shimmer. As long as they don’t leave you sparkly, bronzers do a great job of warming up your skin tone for the camera. Curl eyelashes, apply two coats of mascara on top and bottom, let it dry, and then curl them again. Special attention to lashes will make your eyes appear larger on-camera. If you’re shooting outside, apply your makeup as usual, but make sure to pack an extra pop of color on those cheeks—the sun tends to wash them out.
Men.Ask a female friend to dab some concealer on just the spots. If your skin has more trouble than just a few blemishes, buy a foundation that is yellow-based. Men tend to have more redness and uneven skin tones, so the yellow will help diminish that. Aim for a sheer finish product—a novice application of full coverage can look cakey. But a little powder for your forehead and near the hairline is a must to reduce shine.
For hair, just make sure it looks the way it normally does. If your locks are usually straight, don’t curl them. Your photos should look just like the you that your matches will meet. But if you wear your hair curly one day and straight the next, upload photos with both looks.
After the photo shoot, digital retouching should only be an option for daters with wrinkles and age spots that appear more pronounced under lighting, and even then, photos should be edited as minimally as possible. In general, airbrushing and other digital techniques will remove the authenticity of the photos and turn off potential matches.
But face it, you’re not always glossed up! So after your shoot, mix the pro’s shots with a few from your own photo albums.
Digital DIY
If you’d rather use a pal as your photographer, here are seven things to remember before the camera starts clicking.
1. Environment.Vary locations as often as your outfits. Diversity will speak to your lifestyle, whether you’re at home cooking, lounging at your local coffee shop, or dressed up for an event. You’re ultimately aiming to capture a day in the life of you.
2. Lighting.A well-lit environment is crucial so your photos don’t appear grainy. Low-resolution snapshots can look old, and you don’t want your match to question whether the picture was taken recently.
3. Props.Friends who aren’t natural-born photographers will find that getting the perfect shot is easiest when more props are involved. Activities encourage those caught-in-motion shots, so create your signature omelet, grab a mug of something steamy, or pick up a tennis racket. Using a prop will make you look natural in the snapshot.
4. Expression.Experiment with different angles and facial expressions. Smile, laugh, and try simply to relax your face. More options offer a greater chance of capturing that perfect pose.
5. Stance.According to Gordon Gooch, founder of Dating Headshots.com, a nationwide network of professional photographers who specialize in profile photos, sometimes you have to exaggerate your body stance in particular ways to get the best shots. Never face the camera head-on, as this will make you appear wider. He advises focusing on three things: shoulders, posture, and arms. Start by turning sideways to the camera and putting your weight on your back leg. Next, point your front toes toward the camera with a slight bend in the front knee. Then rotate your front shoulder away from the camera. If you suck in your stomach, you’ll be forced to stand taller. For posture, extend your chin toward the camera, and simultaneously push your shoulders back. This will nicely distinguish your head from your body. If you’re sitting, inch your way to the edge of the chair while still presenting more of one side to the camera, and rotate your front shoulder back. As for your arms and hands, never leave them hanging by your side—that will make you look wider. Try moving your elbows slightly away from your body so that the camera sees light between your elbow and your body, and then put at least one hand in your pocket.
6. Framing.Keep in mind that without a professional on hand, you’ll need to be your own art director. Recommend that your friend frame photos in a mixture of compositions: from the shoulders up, from the waist up, and even a few wide photos to capture more background.
7. No critics allowed.As the “talent” for the day, you are not allowed to look through the viewfinder. You’ll want to—and most people do, in social settings—but don’t! Critiquing photos too early can seriously hinder your results. When I did a casual shoot with my client Brynn to balance out her professional headshots with more relaxed shots, she kept pulling the camera out of my hands to sneak a peek. Throughout the day, she became more and more introverted, and when you become inhibited, the shoot won’t produce the relaxed photos you need for your profile.
I know this can all be overwhelming, but the main thing to keep in mind is not to stress if it takes you a week or two to shoot, gather, crop, and post the right photos to your profile. It’s worth the time and effort, because having the right pictures online brings you one step closer to love offline. Photos offer up the first impression, and if they’re done right, it won’t be the last.
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