The Magic of Forgiveness

by Dayton, Tian, +Ph.D.

• ISBN13: 9780757300868
• ISBN10: 0757300863
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2003-04-01
• Publisher: Hci

Summary

Forgiveness is not an event, it is a process. Forgiveness is most powerful when a woman reaches midlife: a natural time for reflection when she stands at a biological and emotional crossroads. In this groundbreaking book-the first of its kind for women-acclaimed therapist Tian Dayton shows women how assessing their lives and forgiving old wounds is as essential to their well-being as proper nutrition and retirement planning. In forgiving, we must work through layers of issues, pain and resentment. Because of this, the process is of great psychological, emotional and spiritual benefit. Left unresolved, past hurts wield their power from within and can contribute to depression and anxiety, undermining the immune system and ultimately opening the door to a multitude of diseases. And harboring resentment prevents us from engaging in deep, meaningful relationships. Through solid research, poignant case studies and personal examples, Dr. Dayton guides women through the sometimes painful but healing process to provide the comfort that may have eluded them for years. This beautifully written book will open women's eyes to the liberating power of forgiveness and provide the ability to find true joy.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	xiii
Author's Note	xvi
Introduction: Making Peace with the Past to Live in the Present	xvii
The Midlife Woman	xx
An Evolution of the Psyche	xxi
The Split Between Psychology and Soul	xxiii
Part I: The Path to Forgiveness: Understanding the Process
Myths About Forgiveness	2	(1)
Healing Our Relationships	3	(12)
Lee's Story	11	(4)
The Health Benefits of Forgiveness	15	(40)
Midlife Biology and Forgiveness	15	(9)
Embracing the Gift of Midlife Brain Chemistry	18	(5)
Women's Unique Response to Stress	23	(1)
Self-Forgiveness	24	(4)
Karen's Story	28	(1)
How Emotion Travels Through the Body	29	(4)
The Positive Function of Fear and Anxiety	31	(2)
The Power of Thought	33	(3)
The Role of the Limbic System	36	(3)
It's Never Too Late to Limbically Revise	39	(6)
Limbic Resonance	40	(1)
Limbic Regulation	41	(2)
Limbic Revision	43	(2)
The Body Holds the Secret	45	(2)
The Limbic Bonds Between Parent and Child	47	(2)
The Drama of the Stepchild	49	(6)
The Five Stages of Forgiveness	55	(12)
Waking Up	59	(1)
Anger and Resentment	59	(1)
Hurt and Sadness	60	(2)
Acceptance, Integration and Letting Go	62	(2)
Reorganization and Reinvestment	64	(3)
Waking Up: Moving Through Our Defenses	67	(28)
Blocks to Forgiveness	72	(2)
The Fear Factor	74	(3)
Forgiveness and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries	77	(2)
Christina's Struggle: Carrying the Constantly Unraveling Mother in Her Inner World	79	(8)
Internal Disconnects: How We Lose Touch with Our Own Insides	87	(3)
Peeling Back the Layers of the Onion	90	(5)
Anger and Resentment: Embracing Our Inner Demons	95	(40)
The Many Faces of Anger	96	(2)
Historical Versus Current Anger	98	(3)
Triggers and Transference	101	(1)
The Seduction of Rage	102	(2)
To Yell or Not to Yell	104	(1)
Strategies for Managing Anger	105	(3)
Some Tips for Managing Anger	108	(2)
The Many Faces of Anger in Real Life Stories and Case Studies	110	(22)
The Narcissistic Parent	111	(2)
Forgiving the Narcissistic Father	113	(6)
Forgiving the Narcissistic Mother	119	(5)
Frozen Memories: The Legacy of Significant Trauma	124	(3)
Sexual Abuse: A Complicated Legacy	127	(5)
Integrating Love and Hate	132	(3)
Hurt and Sadness: Finally Letting Our Tears Flow	135	(30)
Why Is It Important to Feel Sad?	136	(3)
Attachment Styles	137	(1)
The Importance of Human Touch	138	(1)
Emotions and Decision Making	139	(2)
Our Baseline of Happiness	141	(1)
Depression Versus Sadness	142	(2)
Stress and Depression	144	(3)
The Dark Hole: Lydia's Story	147	(3)
The Ups and Downs of the Midlife Journey	150	(2)
More than Just a Body: Quantum Physics and Forgiveness	152	(6)
Feeding Pain Instead of Feeling It: The Connection Between Emotional and Physical Weight	158	(2)
A Generational Legacy of Food	160	(2)
Giving Up the Dream	162	(3)
Acceptance, Integration and Letting Go: Coming to Terms and Releasing the Past	165	(18)
Breaking the Chain: How Forgiveness Pays Forward	167	(3)
Signing on the Dotted Line	170	(1)
Unraveling the Legacy	171	(3)
Transcendence, Meaning and Forgiveness	174	(2)
Unitive Thinking: How Our Minds Make Meaning of the Events of Our Lives	176	(3)
Spiritual Beings on a Human Journey	179	(4)
Reorganization and Reinvestment: Renewed Energy and Passion for Life	183	(40)
Prescriptions for Happy Living	185	(22)
Have a Spiritual Belief System	186	(1)
Maintain Intimacy and Strong Relationship Networks	187	(2)
Stay Emotionally Current	189	(1)
Pursue Good Goals and Find a Life's Passion	190	(1)
Cultivate and Live by Good Values	191	(1)
Exercise and Get Thirty Minutes of Sunlight Daily	192	(1)
Develop an Attitude of Gratitude and Appreciation	193	(1)
Keep Expectations Realistic	194	(1)
Get Enough Sleep, Rest and Quiet Time	195	(1)
Eat Healthy Foods	196	(2)
Play and Enjoy Leisure Activities	198	(2)
Become a Keeper of Meaning	200	(7)
Part II: How to Travel the Path: Tools and Techniques
Some Healing Basics	207	(1)
Journaling, Relaxation, Meditation and Visualization	208	(8)
Limbic Regulation: How to Do a Deep Relaxation	210	(1)
Repatterning Negative Thinking Through Visualization	211	(2)
The Many Benefits of Meditation	213	(3)
Don't Forget to Breathe	216	(1)
The Power of the Pen: How to Journal	216	(3)
How to Write Your Own Affirmation	219	(1)
Making Amends	220	(3)
Waking Up	223	(20)
Waking Up	224	(1)
Waking Up Self-Test	225	(2)
Forgiveness Inventory	227	(3)
Mind Map	230	(1)
Affirmations for Waking Up	231	(10)
Write Your Own Affirmation for Waking Up	241	(2)
Anger and Resentment	243	(16)
Anger and Resentment	244	(1)
Anger and Resentment Self-Test	245	(2)
Anger Journal	247	(1)
Letter-Writing	248	(1)
Affirmations for Anger and Resentment	249	(9)
Write Your Own Affirmation for Anger and Resentment	258	(1)
Hurt and Sadness	259	(16)
Hurt and Sadness	260	(1)
Grief Self-Test	261	(2)
If Your Heart Had a Voice	263	(1)
Journal Entry	264	(2)
A Letter of Forgiveness to Yourself	266	(1)
Affirmations for Hurt and Sadness	267	(7)
Write Your Own Affirmation for Hurt and Sadness	274	(1)
Acceptance, Integration and Letting Go	275	(24)
Acceptance, Integration and Letting Go	276	(1)
Write a Letter You Would Like to Receive	277	(1)
Role-Reversal Journaling	278	(2)
Write a Journal Entry as Yourself	280	(1)
Write a Letter Asking for Someone's Forgiveness	281	(1)
Affirmations for Acceptance, Integration and Letting Go	282	(13)
Write Your Own Affirmation for Acceptance	295	(1)
Write Your Own Affirmation for Integration	296	(1)
Write Your Own Affirmation for Letting Go	297	(2)
Reorganization and Reinvestment	299	(20)
Reorganization and Reinvestment	300	(1)
Forgiveness Self-Test	301	(2)
Write a Letter Granting Forgiveness to Someone Who Has Hurt You	303	(1)
Visualizing My Future as I Wish It to Be	304	(2)
Letter to God	306	(1)
Affirmations for Reorganization and Reinvestment	307	(10)
Writing Your Own Affirmation for Reorganization and Reinvestment	317	(2)
Conclusion: Healed, Whole and Handling Life	319	(22)
Nine Qualities of Forgivers	320	(1)
Growing Soul: Wisdom Versus Despair	321	(3)
Spiritual Hunger	324	(1)
Silver Linings	325	(4)
The Gift That Keeps on Giving	329	(5)
Affirmations to Live By	334	(7)
Appendix I	341	(16)
Forgiveness and Kids	342	(3)
A Developmental Approach to Teaching Forgiveness to Kids	345	(8)
How to Start a Growth Support Group of Your Own	353	(4)
Appendix II	357	(6)
Symptoms of PTSD	357	(2)
Triumphing Over an Unseen Enemy	359	(4)
Bibliography	363

Excerpts

from Chapter 7 Acceptance, Integration adn Letting Go: Coming to Terms and Releasing the Past Unconsciously, we're all writing the story of our own lives. It's important that we unearth the details of our unresolved pain, tease out the meaning that we've made of the events of our lives and share our stories with others. We need to hear the sound of our own voices, to create, uncreate and re-create our own meaning, and write the next chapter with our eyes open. Lying to ourselves about how we've experienced the events of our lives doesn't work; our unconscious will hold us to our own truth, whether we like it or not. The truth will reveal itself to us, consciously or unconsciously, that much is for sure. The choice we have is not whether or not the sins of our past will visit themselves upon our present they will. The choice we have is whether or not that visitation will be conscious or unconscious. When it is unconscious, we live out our own cycle of hurt, blindly passing the pain on to others in one form or another, or keeping our own lives from flourishing. When it's conscious, we're choosing to use the circumstances of our lives to grow. We till the soil of our lives, turning over the contents of our inner worlds, digging deep, weeding, planting and nourishing new growth. We tend the garden of our own soul. Integration, by now, has been happening naturally as we honestly accept, confront, explore and experience parts of our personal history that have combined to make us who we are. That exploration has taken us from meaningful moments in time to relationships that have shaped us and formative family styles that have acted as our classrooms on how to live. By now we have learned what it means to process repressed emotions by feeling and understanding them, making connections between the past and present behavior, and identifying repetition patterns (dynamics from the past that repeat themselves in the present). When we allow ourselves to revisit these pieces of personal history and explore the impact the events of our lives have had on the person we are today, we reintegrate them with newfound awareness and insight. This allows us to use the events of our lives as opportunities for growth, to extract meaning from them, and to separate the past from the present. We learn to see how the past might be playing itself out today, getting in the way of our ability to have nourishing relationships and move freely and productively through our lives. We also learn to work through what was difficult and learn from it, while claiming what was good and using it as a solid foundation upon which to build a life. This is how we grow; it's an undoing and a redoing, a deconstruction and a reconstruction, a working through and a letting go. What preoccupied us moves from the foreground to the background of our minds, and though it may, at times, reemerge, it does so with greater understanding and less pain attached to it. Breaking the Chain:How Fo

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Excerpted from The Magic of Forgiveness: Emotional Freedom and Transformation at Midlife, A Book for Women by Tian Dayton, Tian Dayton,
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.