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Chapter One
A Computer in My Head
My name is A.J. and I hate school.
Do you know what would be cool? Instead of learning stuff in school, we should have computers built into our heads. There could be software for math, social studies, reading, and all that other stuff teachers say we need to know. You could just plug whatever software you need right into your head. Then we wouldn't have to go to school anymore!*
Think about it. If we had computers in our heads, we could spend more time doing stuff we want to do, like playing sports and video games and going to the movies and eating junk food. That would be cool. I would buy one of those computers in a minute. But I guess until somebody invents a computer you plug into your head, we'll just have to keep going to school. Bummer in the summer!
We had just finished circle time in Miss Daisy's class when Mr. Klutz came into the room. He's the principal of Ella Mentry School, and he has no hair at all. I mean none. Hats must slide off his head because there's nothing to hold them on.
"To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit, Mr. Klutz?" asked Miss Daisy. (That's grown-up talk for "What are you doing here?")
"I wanted to try out a new joke," Mr. Klutz said.
Oh no! Mr. Klutz tells the worst jokes in the history of the world.**
"Where's the best place to keep a remote control?" he asked.
"Where?" we all shouted.
"In a remote location!" he said. "Get it? Remote? Location?"
Mr. Klutz bent over laughing and slapped his knee even though his joke was totally lame. We all laughed anyway. You should always laugh at the principal's jokes, no matter how lame they are. That's the first rule of being a kid.
"But seriously," Mr. Klutz said, putting on his serious face so we knew it was time to get serious, "I need to talk to you about something. Dr. Carbles, the president of the Board of Education, wants us to bring Ella Mentry School into the 21st century."
"Cool!" I shouted. "We're gonna travel through time!"***
"This is the 21st century, Arlo," said Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair. She calls me by my real name because she knows I hate it.
"I knew that," I said, even though I really didn't. Only a smarty-pants-know-it-all like Andrea would know what number century it is. What is her problem? Who counts centuries?
"How are we going to bring our school into the 21st century, Mr. Klutz?" asked Andrea's crybaby friend Emily, who is allergic to ferrets.
"We're going to spiff up the place," he replied. "We're getting some new equipment, a security guard, a computer lab, and a computer teacher, too. In fact, she's right outside. Would you like to meet Mrs. Yonkers?"
"Yeah!" said all the girls.
"No!" said all the boys.
Mr. Klutz went into the hallway and came back with some lady. You'll never believe in a million hundred years what she had on her head.
I'm not gonna tell you.
Okay, okay, I'll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.
My Weird School #18: Mrs. Yonkers Is Bonkers!. Copyright © by Dan Gutman. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
Excerpted from Mrs. Yonkers Is Bonkers! by Dan Gutman
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
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