Summary

"I'm not asking you to believe every conspiracy theory you'll find in this book. . . . I didn't write this book to give you all the answers. The Warren Commission did that, and the answers were all wrong. I wrote this book to inspire you to do what the powers that be wish you wouldn't: to question authority . . . and to keep an eye out for Elvis." --Richard Belzer [p. 4] Is it just a coincidence that Richard Belzer plays a detective on the hit NBC series Homicide: Life on the Street? Maybe. But the fact is, when he's not busting criminals on TV, the acid-tongued, legendary search-and-destroy comic known affectionately as "The Belz" is doing real-life detective work: searching out evidence, sifting through long-buried facts, and destroying popular misconceptions involving everything from the JFK assassination ("There's only one living member of the Warren Commission, and that's Gerald Ford. He's also the dumbest member of the Warren Commission. Coincidence?") and the existence of UFOs to secret germ warfare and those ominous visits (long before the movie) from men in black. In UFOs, JFK, and Elvis, the distinguished statesman of stand-up comedy tackles some of the biggest conspiracies and cover-ups this side of Roswell. Just what is it that they don't want you to know about the assassinations of John Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, and John Lennon? Alien abductions and the "face" on Mars? The downing of TWA Flight 800? The ancient order of the Freemasons and evidence of extraterrestrial experimentation? Finally, one lone "nut" exposes the conspiracy to keep conspiracies a dirty little secret, standing up to the shadowy forces that would have us believe that Oswald acted alone, those lights in the sky are weather balloons, and fluoridated water is good for you (yeah, right). "Some of the smartest people I know . . . find it easier--and certainly more comforting--to believe that America is the only country on earth with no conspiracies at all." Just remember: do not ask on whom The Belz has told--he's told on them.

Author Biography

Richard Belzer is perhaps best known today for his starring role as Detective Munch in the TV police drama Homicide. Before joining Homicide, The Belz was a popular stand-up comedian, who came up with Jay Leno on the club circuit. He is a frequent guest on The Howard Stern Show and has appeared on Tonight and Politically Incorrect and in other major national media.

Acknowledgments

Introduction. Get a Clue, Babe...

(4)

Prologue. The Origins of My Nightmare

(2)

PART I. JFK

(118)

1. Where Were You on November 22, 1963?

(4)

2. Abraham Zapruder's Day Out

(4)

3. The Best Evidence Never Developed

(4)

4. Umbrella Man

(4)

5. Gerald Ford and the Magic Bullet

(4)

6. The Fluke of Earl

(4)

7. What the Warren Commission Found

(4)

8. Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil

(4)

9. Take Cover

(4)

10. Secret Services

(4)

11. The Case Against Oswald

(6)

12. The Sniper's Nest

(6)

13. No Smoking Gun

(6)

14. Multiple Lone Nuts

(6)

15. Surreal Motives

(4)

16. The Usual Suspects

(8)

17. Who's Who Among the Lesser Potential Assassins

(6)

18. Trent for President in the Year 2000

(4)

19. No Pain, No Brain

(4)

20. I Could Just Die

(4)

21. Just a Simple Nightclub Owner with a Dream

103

(6)

22. A Death Worse Than Fate

109

(4)

23. The Media and the Murder

113

(8)

24. Where Do People Get These Strange Ideas, Anyhow?

121

(4)

PART 2. FROM DALLAS TO MARRS

125

(26)

25. I'm Strictly a She-Male G-Man

129

(6)

26. Anybody Up There?

135

(4)

27. How Ten Myths About Aliens and UFOs Equal One Big Lie

139

(12)

PART 3. UFOS

151

(68)

28. What the Hell Fell?

153

(8)

29. Hallelujah, It's Raining Spacemen!

161

(4)

30. Out There or Down Here?

165

(6)

31. What Do Extraterrestrials Want?

171

(6)

32. The Men Who Mooned the World

177

(4)

33. I'll See You on the Dark Side of the Moon

181

(6)

34. Men in Black

187

(8)

35. Black Choppers

195

(6)

36. Face It... There's a Face on Mars

201

(8)

37. Embrace Me, You Sweet Embraceable Anthropoid

209

(6)

38. The End of the Line

215

(4)

Bibliography

219

(6)

Index

225

Supplemental Materials

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Excerpts

Chapter One

Where Were You on

November 22, 1963

I can remember where I was. And I can prove it. I have witnesses. And unlike many of the men and women who inadvertently became witnesses in Dallas that day, my witnesses are still alive.

You see, at the very moment snipers were busy making Jack Kennedy's wish come true (see quote), I was taking aim on a grassy knoll ... behind the gymnasium at Dean Junior College. I was in archery class and I was shooting a bow and arrow. Valerie Palucci was watching me. And I was trying to impress Valerie Palucci's breasts. The rest of Valerie didn't exist for me at that age. Nothing else existed. I always directed all of my communication skills directly to her breasts.

Anyway, it was my turn to shoot, and just as I was pulling the bow back the president of the student body ran out to me and said, "Belz, the president's been shot." My body tensed and I instinctively released the arrow. I'm lucky I didn't hit one of Valerie Palucci's breasts. I guess she's lucky, too.

I also missed the target. Just the same way we all missed the target about who shot JFK. Most of the country worshiped Jack the way I worshiped Valerie Palucci's breasts. They both symbolized our hopes for the future.

In case you have a clear memory of where you were on 11/22/63 but you're a little murky on what else happened that day, here's a clue:

The president of the United States was killed by rifle fire while riding in an open car in broad daylight. It was an event that was witnessed by hundreds but investigated by a panel of seven men, none of whom was anywhere near Dallas that day, and it was decided that Kennedy was assassinated by lone nut Lee Harvey Oswald, who was--among other things--"not an agent of the US Government." (The commission felt compelled to throw that factoid in--not that there was any reason to suspect that Oswald had links to the federal government or anything, but ...) In fact, newly released information in Oswald's "201 File" reveals that he was involved in espionage for the CIA and apparently the FBI.

The FBI reported to the commission that Oswald fired three shots at his target. The first bullet hit the president below the shoulder and penetrated less than the distance of a finger length. The second bullet struck Governor Connally. The third bullet struck the president's head and fragmentized. The commission, however, did not accept all the details of the FBI reports.

Oswald was later shot and killed by another lone nut, Dallas nightclub owner Jack Ruby. There was no conspiracy. Case closed. Thank you and good night.

But the case is only closed if you ignore the evidence ...

Chapter Two

Abraham Zapruder's

Day Out

Consider the case of Abraham Zapruder, a New York garment center executive, out for a quiet, historic afternoon with his wife. He's got nothing to do--what does a Jew do in Dallas? Get fitted for a ten-gallon yarmulke?--so he and his wife schlep to Dealey Plaza to see the Prez and glom some footage of the youthful JFK and his lovely wife who wouldn't be caught well, dead, in some tacky American schmatta.

So there's Zapruder, trying to add a little pomp and circumstance to the home movie collection so he'll finally have something to compete with cousin Myra's cruise, and what does he get for his trouble? Trouble.

Imagine, poor Zapruder, with his Bell & Howell, standing in a place every one of us has been before: the wrong place at the wrong time ...

Zapruder (who sounds a lot like Jackie Mason): Such a beautiful day. I'm glad I've got my comfortable shoes on. Here comes the president. Jackie looks terrific. What a hat. Cut on the bias. I don't know whether to look at her or look at him. Maybe I should start filming. Boy. This is a good angle .

Sound of gunshots.

Zapruder: What the hell was that? And what is it with the firecrackers? They see three cars and a flag and Goyim can't help themselves. They've got to shoot off firecrackers .

Zapruder couldn't have known that the footage he was shooting with his new 8mm would turn out to be more explosive than any official evidence gathered that day. That's because Abraham Zapruder inadvertently captured twenty-six seconds of objective and incontrovertible proof that all the funny theories about lone gunmen and bizarre ballistics we've been asked to swallow are so much drek.

So what can even the dullest tools in the human shed--though not necessarily the Warren Commission--learn from this film? Among other things:

* The first bullet strikes Kennedy as the motorcade is passing a stand of large trees--trees that totally obliterate any line of fire between Kennedy and Oswald's so-called "sniper's nest" in the Book Depository.

* The third shot snaps the president's head backward, explodes the back right side of his skull, and pushes him back into his seat--all obvious indications of a frontal assault and rear exit wound. Oswald, believed to have been in a building to the president's rear, would have been incapable of causing such a wound.

* Even the man who became the Warren Commission's star witness, pipe fitter Howard Leslie Brennan, did not immediately act on the belief that shots were fired from the Book Depository. Although he later claimed to have actually seen a man firing from the sixth-floor window, he was not looking in that direction immediately after the shooting occurred.

A lot of other evidence stemmed from Zapruder's film. For instance, there was a question--based on the timing of the firing sequences taken from Zapruder's film--as to whether a lone gunman could fire so quickly with accuracy. Marine sharpshooters tried--and failed. Other evidence indicated that policemen on the scene instinctively turned--not toward the Book Depository, but toward Zapruder's position near the grassy knoll. In fact, Zapruder reiterated four times during his testimony that he believed shots came from behind him: on the knoll. But hey, what are we supposed to go by here ... eyewitness testimony? That would be too obvious.