America, But Better The Canada Party Manifesto

by Cannon, Chris; Calvert, Brian

• ISBN13: 9781771000628
• ISBN10: 1771000627
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2012-08-04
• Publisher: Douglas & McIntyre

Summary

"Hello America, It's us, Canada, and we want your vote this fall for president of the United States" This isn't an invasion, it's an intervention. From the country that brought you toques and Justin Bieber comes a plan to restore America to its former glory. The U.S. political system increasingly resembles an all-chimp revue of Cats, and its citizens are looking for a new leader. That leader is Canada. After launching their campaign on YouTube to half a million hits, and interviews with CNN and the Huffington Post, the leaders of the Canada Party here unveil their platform for U.S. presidency. Their promises: Oil pipelines will carry maple syrup, so if there's a spill, at least the animals will be tasty. The phrase "job creators" will be changed to "job creationists," and they will be given seven days to actually create some. Corners will be installed in the Oval Office, and timeouts given to Congressmen who can't play nice. The Constitution will be amended to address hockey issues. America, but Bettercombines the doctrine of American exceptionalism with a dose of Canadian humility and common sense. Covering everything from economic policy to gay rights to waterboarding, this manifesto of the Canada Party offers a helping hand to its southern neighbors that will soon have Americans chanting, " Yes We Canada".

Author Biography

Chris Cannon is an American writer from Oklahoma living in Vancouver, B.C. He is the author of four books and hundreds of articles in magazines including Rolling Stone, Men’s Journal, and Billboard. A former U.S. Marine Corps sergeant, Chris served in the intelligence and counterterrorism fields as well as the Presidential honor guard. He spent two years on White House duty under Bush 1 and Clinton, marched in Clinton’s inauguration parade, and was a member of the Silent Drill Team. A graduate of Columbia University and the University of Chicago, Chris now teaches cultural criticism, satire, and magazine journalism at the University of British Columbia. Years after earning a Masters’ degree studying tumor biology at the University of Saskatchewan, Brian M. Calvert began his second career focusing on comedic writing, acting and producing. The bulk of his earlier work was via collaborations with the online sketch comedy groups ChurchofJerks.com and VILLAGEiDiOT.ca, both of which he helped create. In total, he has written, acted, produced, directed or edited over 50 short films and 5 multi-media (live & video) stage shows. Brian was born and raised in Ontario, completing much of his schooling in Sarnia, border city to Port Huron, Michigan. He now lives in Vancouver.

Table of Contents

Foreword	p. 1
Introduction	p. 3
Really Important Maps	p. 9
America and Canada: Continental BFFS	p. 15
Timeline of U.S.-Canadian History	p. 17
Grok the Vote: Campaign Reform for Idiots	p. 20
Making English the Official Language for Native English Speakers	p. 25
Combining Our Cities: Welcome to Van Francisco, Dirty Hippie Capital of the World!	p. 27
Understanding Hockey, from the Country That Gave You Football and Basketball	p. 30
The Cameron Plan: America in 3D	p. 34
How to Say You're Sorry without Looking like a Total Pussy	p. 38
It's a Small World (Unless You're Liechtenstein)	p. 45
American Exceptionalism, or How to Make Other Countries Feel Bad about Their Bodies	p. 47
Killing with Kindness, Torturing with Tenderness	p. 50
Weaponizing Politeness: Fight like a Canadian!	p. 53
Showing Nature Who's Boss	p. 58
Un-American Idol: How Reality Shows Can Stop Illegal Immigration	p. 64
A Simple Solution for Integrating Our Indigenous Peoples	p. 67
The Metric System: Exactly Ten Times More Awesome Than Imperial Units	p. 67
The Irony of Being Ironic in a Post-Ironic Age	p. 73
The Elitist Scourge: How to Hate People Who Are Better Than You	p. 75
Citizens Divided: People Are Now Corporations	p. 78
Thoughts on Relieving America's Sexual Tension	p. 81
The Question of: a) Education	p. 85
Health Care: More Than Just a Dental Plan for Hockey Players	p. 89
Helping Children Determine Their Value as Future Americans	p. 91
Obesity: Big Thoughts on Big People	p. 96
All We Are Saying Is Give Guns a Chance	p. 99
Crime and Punishment, and then Crime Again	p. 101
Treating Experts like Mammals: An Ideological Throwdown!	p. 105
Grandpa Lost His Shins in the Big One: Our Statute of Limitations on Living Off Other People's Sacrifices	p. 107
What to Do with "the Gays"	p. 110
You Are NOT the Father! Abstinence-Only Education and the Rise of Immaculate Conceptions	p. 113
Media Libs	p. 115
Weed. Sweet, Sweet Weed	p. 118
The Constitution, Annotated	p. 118
Science vs. Religion (Spoiler: Science Wins in Overtime!)	p. 123
Living in Fear: The War of the Words	p. 126
Some Handy Tear-Out Application Forms	p. 233
Canadian Glossary	p. 143
Acknowledgments	p. 149
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