Calling All Birdbrains

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Chapter One

"Bite My Beak!"

"Uno!" I cried. I slapped my cards down on the table. "Pay up, guys. Pay up."

Sherman Oaks, that spoiled, rich brat, pulled some money from his gold money clip. He shook his head. "You've won every game, Bernie. I'm down to my last five hundred dollars!"

"When you're hot, you're hot," I said, taking his money. "Come on, total up your cards, Feenman. You owe me big-time!"

Across the table, my friend Crench groaned. "Bernie, you're unbelievable. How can one person win twenty Uno games in a row?"

I flashed him my million-dollar grin. "Guess I'm just lucky!" I reached up to my shoulder and petted Lippy, my adorable parrot.

"Awwwk. Beak me!

Bite my beak! I'll pluck your eyes!"

He squawked.

He's so sweet! Who taught him to say those cute things?

He dug his claws into my shoulder as I tickled his feathers. That adorable parrot always warms my heart.

Across the card table, Sherman's pal Wes Updood was still counting his cards. "Do all worms come from Ohio?" he muttered. "Even Gummi Worms? That's just totally Toledo—know what I mean?"

Wes is the coolest dude at Rotten School. He's so totally cool, no one can understand a word he says!

"Goat's milk," Wes muttered. "What's up with goats, anyway? Do they have to be so short? That's totally Toledo. Yo!" He went back to counting his Uno cards.

Feenman yawned so hard, he fell off his chair. He sat on the floor and rubbed his red eyes. "Bernie, what time is it?"

Sherman raised his huge gold watch. The watch has so many jewels and so many gadgets, it weighs nearly forty pounds. Sherman usually pays a first grader to carry it around for him.

"Whoa," he said, squinting at the flashing dial. "You wouldn't believe the temperature on Mars!"

"I just want to know the time," Feenman said, curling up on the floor.

"It's six in the morning," I said. I pointed to the clock on the wall.

"Time to pluck your nose!"

Lippy chirped. He dug his claws deeper into my shoulder.

Wes and Sherman stood up, shaking their heads, watching me count my winnings. "See you, guys," Sherman said, starting to the door.

"Rather be you than see you," Wes said.

Did that make any sense?

You probably go home after school every day. But our school is a boarding school. That means we live here. We can do whatever we want. No parents! And that means staying up all night!

We have our all-night Uno tournaments in a tiny back room in the Student Center. All the lights are out in the building. No one knows we are here.

When we sneak back to our dorms, we have to be very careful. I don't know why—but for some reason, Headmaster Upchuck doesn't approve of all-night card games.

Sherman and Wes closed the door behind them.

Crench jumped to his feet. "Bernie, tell me your secret," he said. "How did you win every game? Tell me! How?" He grabbed the front of my shirt—and knocked Lippy off my shoulder.

"Awwwwwwwk!"

The bird let out a cry as he hit the floor. Then he was silent.

"Oh no!"

I gasped. I spun away from Crench and dropped to the floor in a panic.I scooped up the parrot in my hands. "Lippy, speak to me!" I cried. "Speak to me!"

"Make my day! Choke on a cuttlebone!"

Lippy squawked.

I cradled Lippy against my chest. "Thank goodness you're okay."

Feenman squinted at me. "Bernie, why do you bring that squawking bird to all our card games?" he asked.

"Yeah, he's just a stupid bird. What's the big deal?" Crench said.

My two best buddies in the world, and they didn't understand.

"Hel-lo!" I said. "Just a stupid bird? I don't think so! Want to know how I win every game? You're looking at him! It's Lippy. He's a lucky bird!"

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Excerpted from Calling All Birdbrains by R. L. Stine
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