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Chapter One
PRACTICAL INFORMATION
What to Wear
Indiana's ambient temperature is a mild mean of 54 degrees Fahrenheit. The state is considered in the temperate zone, and its climate supports a deciduous woodland ecology, though much of the native forest and swamp was eliminated in the 19th century or has retreated underground to form clandestine niches in the area's many caves and caverns. The visitor should pack for rain and snow as the state experiences "lake effect" precipitation, located as it is on the leeside of Lake Michigan and in the Great Lakes basin. Snowfall can be expected, for this reason, as late as June. Mosquito netting and light clothing are also recommended, as Indiana is home to 837 sub-species of the insect, aggressively incubated in the state's few remaining bogs and marshes, as well as in the state mosquito hatcheries. The concentration of the mosquito infestation makes the population extremely competitive and host to a wide variety of interesting and colorful parasites for which the mosquitoes serve as vectors. Native dress, which is still worn routinely by the local population, includes the baseball cap, Indian beaded belt, and argyle rayon hose. Poplin windbreaker and fingerless woolen gloves for males, and halter tops, plastic barrettes, and acid-washed denim jeans for females are common attire. Tribal affiliations are often subtle and involve bandana kerchiefs worn in ritual knotted styles, and colorful canvas and rubber basketball footwear. Visitors are asked to refrain from including such clothing in their travel wardrobe as it is often simple to give offense, and the consequences of such misunderstanding are many times severe and dramatic.
Currency
Indiana recognizes the legal tender of the United States of America but today also circulates other currency within its borders. S&H Green Stamps issued mid-century are particularly popular, as are coupons gleaned from Bel Air cigarettes when bundled in rubber band bound packs of 500. Descendants of immigrant Venetians who operate a barter-based culture in the lake and canal district of northern Indiana have issued a scrip from time to time which you are invited to counterfeit when and wherever possible. The selling of futures has become quite popular, due perhaps to the proximity of the Chicago Mercantile Exchanges. A significant percentage of the population engages in the trading of weather futures, the result of which is the amassing of one of the largest fortunes in the country controlled by the Sanders brothers of Nashville, who also have a major stake in the franchise on the coloring used in hardwood tree foliage each fall. There is also a lively business to be made in scrap copper wire which is utilized by the state's vast magnet wire and cable cartel. During periods of copper panic, the electrical systems of inhabited houses have been known to be stolen outright while their owners sleep. Routine business is often performed using pennies, exclusively, whose value fluctuates daily, the price being fixed at 8:30 each morning at the Copper Exchange in New Haven. A tradition is to present young girls with spools of thread gauge copper wire on their namedays (see page 25). The thread is used later in the sewing of their wedding trousseaus.
Getting There
Indiana may be reached by packet boat and rail handcar operated as a concession by the remnants of the Miami tribal council. There are a variety of commuter flights scheduled to arrive daily at the various international airports, the appellation "international" denoting the fact that the air traveler needs to pass through Canadian or Mexican airports to connect with those flights. The last railroad car float runs between Windsor, Ontario, and Fort Wayne. The motorist will note that the highway gauge switches from the standard dimension to the narrow one upon entering the state and that one's tires must be changed out at the border to accommodate the change. Many travelers arrive in the state by means of tramp van line. Cruising freight trucks plying transcontinental routes provide a few berths to the traveler not pressed for time. Amenities, while not always to the standard of luxury found on the bus lines, are often quite comfortable and include staterooms, buffets, swimming pools, and a traveling driving range atop the trailer.
The Time
Indiana does not participate in Daylight Savings Time and is, ostensively, on Eastern Standard Time the year round. However, time has always been problematic here (two civil wars have been fought over the time), and the traveler should not depend on any modern systematic reckoning of the hour while in the state. Most municipalities, townships, and county governments maintain an Office of Time and an elected Keeper who shoots sun time daily, fixing the noon zenith as an official and local reference. Some kind of broadcast device (in most cases a tornado siren or air-raid klaxon) then issues a local alarm in order for residents to set their own clocks and watches. This is somewhat complicated each spring during the tornado season and was quite disruptive during the early days of the Second World War. This issue is further exacerbated in the southern counties (in which President Lincoln lived as a boy) where the clocks must, by law, always read ten till ten, the moment of Lincoln's assassination. Consequently, the citizenry there maintains, simultaneously, a secret set of clocks which always measures time relative to 9:50. This may cause such circumlocutions as, "The time is three hours and forty-seven minutes before ten till ten."
Tipping
Indiana rickshaw drivers routinely expect seven and a half percent of the metered fare and one dollar for each bag handled. Standard practices of tipping apply to those who serve food, though they will also accept strands of wire, and in the case of cocktail bar and tavern employees it is not necessary to strip the colored plastic insulating the wire and is usually considered an insult or an indication of the customer's dissatisfaction if stripped wire is left as a tip. There is one doorman in the state, and his services are provided gratis to the public, as he is supported by endowment from the state's canal royalties. He does however expect a Christmas present each year, and his current hat, collar, and waist size are posted on the day after Thanksgiving at the corner of Washington and Meridian in a third floor window of the old L.S. Ayres building in Indianapolis.
Phones, Mail, Telegraph
Indiana supports a network of freestanding kiosks maintained by the blind. Usually painted red and located in parking lots adjacent to shopping centers, the kiosks are open 24 hours a day. In addition to dispensing confections and reading material, these kiosks provide, for a surcharge, access to the telephonic, telegraphic, and postal systems of communication. Indiana is the last state to provide self-service telegraph keys to the consumer. The kiosks are also the source for important travel information, maps, snakebite kits, spiral mosquito coil repellant, postcards, shoestrings, currency exchange, and film for the camera. The kiosks serve as the de facto birth control clinics for the state, providing a variety of products to those 14 years and olden
Inoculations and Required Vaccines
Indiana has one living American Elm tree. It is preserved in a specially constructed arboretum on Elm Street in Elmsville. Consequently, the state requires visitors to provide documentation attesting to inoculation against the Dutch Elm Disease. The state parasite is ringworm, which is, as ringworm is a fungus, also the state fungus. Thus ringworm is a protected species as is its habitat. As of August 1955, the state has suffered an outbreak of hepatitis H which requires the wearing of plastic gloves by everyone at all times except when eating. Allergies to latex and PVC gloves are pandemic. Most municipal water supplies have been treated with fluoride as have all sources of Eucharist bread and wafers. The vaccine to ward off crying is suggested for those planning to visit Indiana, as are boosters to prevent dreaming and whistling.
Where to Stay
Indiana has an extensive state-administered motel chain considered "B" class lodging. Reservations can be made at any kiosk for any room in the state. The bright blue Quonset Huts of the state motels are often found near bus terminals and the many bucolic basketball parks. Camping is frowned upon, as it is not understood by the typical Hoosier, though private and public yurt grounds are available throughout the state. Many private homes offer lodging, and it is not inappropriate to ask to see the room, usually in the basement, before settling on a price. Rooms are also brokered through an 800 number. Complete hotels or single family cabins can be constructed overnight on any public commons by roving manufacturing crews representing the mobile and modular home interests near Nappanee. First Class accommodations are scarce but are represented by the resorts at French Lick and West Baden Springs, now mainly used by retired mobsters from Chicago who still have their private railcars parked on sidings on the resorts' grounds. Don't overlook the former tuberculosis sanatoriums and state hospitals for the insane, their patients now mainstreamed into the general population. The physical plants of these institutions have been refitted to provide Deluxe accommodations in a Victorian setting. Indiana is considered by the hospitality industry to suffer a surplus of medium-priced rooms, so reservations are rarely required. Only in the winter months should the traveler take the precaution of calling ahead. During that season, accommodations are sometimes taxed, as African and Indonesian anthropology majors are most likely to be "walking in" to the towns and villages of their subject population.
Transportation
Indiana is the home of the last vestige of the once extensive interurban light rail network, a creature of the electrical production and transmission companies that provided the power for the high speed trolleys and the rights of way beneath their wires for track. The Chicago, South Shore, and South Bend (C,SS&SB) still operates daily in a commuter capacity between those namesake cities.
Traffic safety has always been a major concern for the citizens of the state. The first fatality in the nation associated with a traffic light occurred in Fort Wayne when the eight year old Maurice Norton, crossing with the light at Jefferson and Calhoun, was run down by a Maxwell Demon piloted by a driver from Ohio. Today, everyone who drives in the state must qualify to do so. In addition to the standard motor vehicle testing, drivers must also earn a special certificate awarded after extensive training at the Grant County Safety Village outside Marion. This half-size replication of streetscapes, super highways, and country market roads simulates a variety of real life driving hazards and responses. Yearly, on the anniversary of the mishap, the safety village stages the historical pageant commemorating the automotive accident which took the life of native son, James Dean, whose performing double, drawn from Fairmount Junior High School's 8th grade, is selected through a rigorous competitive process. The accident is lovingly staged and produced by the school's chapter of the Future Farmers of America and 4-H.
Indiana supports competing statewide chains of jin rickshaw fleets, the Safety and the Checker companies. By law, rickshaws for hire must be painted yellow and be equipped with a meter to distinguish them from the privately operated rickshaws. These rickshaws for hire operate locally but can be retained for intrastate travel along the converted interurban rail right of ways between larger metropolitan areas.
If using the federal interstate highway system in the region, be aware that I-72 is an "air-line" whose roadway transverses the entire state, elevated on concrete pylons from Terra Haute to Richmond, having no exits or entrances to Indiana below this limited access corridor. Rest areas and service stations are provided at suspended platforms spaced evenly along the route.
Indiana, due to its favorable laws concerning interstate commerce, is home to several major moving and transfer companies. During summer months the cities of Evansville, Indianapolis, and Fort Wayne (homes of the larger companies based here) often experience crippling gridlock as the fleets of vans congregate in these headquarter cities to shift loads, re-route deliveries, and dispatch expedited merchandise. Fort Wayne, home of North American Van Lines, for example, sees a concentration of nearly a quarter million trucks during the summer migration, about one van per resident. It is not rare to witness many complete living room ensembles or bedroom suites assembled on lawns, in parks, or upon parking lots as the contents of the moves are redistributed using any available space for the sorting. Indiana has become, therefore, a haven for the amateur truck watcher during this season, and many travel from Europe or Asia to record these new sightings, perhaps to register that rare Peterbilt or International cabover.
As one might gather of the state where the automobile was invented, walking is frowned upon. Shoes and shoe leather are heavily taxed, and shoe repair is a clandestine and shady black market enterprise. In addition to stamping license plates, the state's inmate population also provides electrical power through the co-production of current generated by punitive treadmill sentences at the state penitentiary in Michigan City. Those who walk are often detained by police using profiling procedures which target pedestrians as likely carriers of controlled substances.
Birthdays and Namedays
Birthdays are not celebrated in Indiana, but namedays are. The calendar of these days can be found in any phone book and the appropriate card available at the neighborhood kiosk. The celebration usually consists of visiting everyone one knows so named on the particular day set aside to celebrate those so named. The traditional gift is often a calendar of namedays and/or the new edition of the phone book.
Excerpted from THE BLUE GUIDE TO INDIANA by Michael Martone. Copyright © 2001 by Michael Martone. Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
