Boundaries in Marriage Workbook

by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

• ISBN13: 9780310228752
• ISBN10: 0310228751
• Edition: Workbook
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2000-02-01
• Publisher: Zondervan

Summary

You long for a marriage marked by lifelong love, intimacy, and growth. And it can be yours -- if you set wise boundaries. Boundaries are the "property lines" that define and protect each of you as individuals. Get them in place and you can make a good marriage better and possibly even save a less-than-satisfying one. By the time you've completed this workbook, you will know yourself and your mate better than ever before. You'll also understand and practice the ten laws of boundaries in ways that can make a real difference in your relationship. Step by step, the Boundaries in Marriage Workbook helps you apply the biblical principles discussed in the book Boundaries in Marriage so you can . . . Set and maintain your personal boundaries and respect those of your spouse - Establish values that form a godly structure and architecture for your marriage - Protect your marriage from different kinds of "intruders" - Work with a spouse who understands and values boundaries -- or work with one who doesn't -- Filled with self-tests, questions, and applications, the Boundaries in Marriage Workbook helps you deal effectively with the friction points and serious hurts in your marriage -- and move beyond them to the mutual care, respect, affirmation, and intimacy you both long for.

Author Biography

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend are popular speakers, psychologists, co-hosts of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! radio program, and co-founders of Cloud/Townsend, Inc. Both graduated with doctorates in clinical psychology from Rosemead Graduate School of Psychology, and both maintain private practices in Newport Beach, California.

Table of Contents

Contents

How to Use This Workbook

A Tale of Two Couples

Part One — Understanding Boundaries

1. What’s a Boundary, Anyway?

2. Applying the Ten Laws of Boundaries to Marriage

3. Setting Boundaries with Yourself

Becoming More Lovable

Part Two — Building Boundaries in Marriage

4. It Takes Two to Make One

5. What You Value Is What You’ll Have

6. Value One

Love of God

7. Value Two

Love of Spouse

8. Value Three

Honesty

9. Value Four

Faithfulness

10. Value Five

Compassion and Forgiveness

11. Value Six

Holiness

Part Three — Resolving Conflict in Marriage

12. Three’s a Crowd

Protecting Your Marriage from Intruders

13. Six Kinds of Conflict

14. Resolving Conflict with a Boundary-Loving Spouse

15. Resolving Conflict with a Boundary-Resistant Spouse

Part Four — Misunderstanding Boundaries in Marriage

Excerpts

Boundaries in Marriage Workbook
Copyright © 2000 by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Requests for information should be addressed to:
Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530
ISBN-10: 0-310-22875-1
ISBN-13: 978-0-310-22875-2
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible: New International
Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of
Zondervan. All rights reserved.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any
other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.
Published in association with Yates & Yates, LLP, Literary Agent, Orange, CA.
Interior design by Laura Blost
Printed in the United States of America
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We want to hear from you. Please send your comments about this
book to us in care of [e-mail]. Thank you.
How to Use This Workbook
The Boundaries in Marriage Workbook can be used in a variety of ways.
• You will get the most out of your investment of time and energy if you
are reading Boundaries in Marriage as you work through this book. The
text fleshes out key concepts with real-life examples and a more thorough
discussion of important points.
• You or, ideally, you and your spouse can use this workbook on your own.
In tandem with the text, the questions in this workbook will help you become
more aware of how healthy boundaries keep love alive and growing.
• You, or you and your spouse, can be part of a small group that meets regularly
to discuss the challenges you face in your marriage and to pray for
each other and your marriage.
• You might also work through this book with a prayer partner or accountability
partner.
• Another option, with the approval of your therapist, is to use this workbook
as an aid to structured individual or marital therapy.
• Whether you are working through Boundaries in Marriage on your own,
with your spouse, or in a group, be sure to include plenty of prayer time.
After all, God created marriage and, by his Spirit, empowers us to experience
all that he intends for us.
May God bless you as, with his guidance, you establish boundaries that
preserve and enhance your marriage and deepen your love for your spouse.
A Tale of Two Couples
I f you are reading this book, most likely marriage is important to you.
You may be happy in your marriage and want to keep it growing. You
may be struggling and dealing with major or minor problems. You may be
single and want to prepare for marriage. You may be divorced and want to
prevent the pain you went through if you remarry.
• Why are you reading this book? What do you hope to learn?
• How did you react when you read about the interaction between Harold
and Sarah? What were your thoughts and feelings?
• How did you react to the picture of Frank and Julia’s marriage? Again,
what were your thoughts and feelings?
• If you are currently married, are you and your spouse building a marriage
like Harold and Sarah’s or like Frank and Julia’s? Offer evidence to support
your answer.
Both couples you met in the introduction were reaping the results of how
they had conducted themselves in the earlier seasons of marriage. The first
couple harvested a sad result; the other, a joyous one. It’s our hope that this
book will help you improve your harvest.
Your Life Begins Today (page 9)*
Most of us have no greater desire and prayer than a lifetime of love and
commitment to one person with whom we can share life. Marriage is one of
God’s greatest gifts to humanity. It is the mystery of living as one flesh with
another human being (Ephesians 5:31–32).
Marriage is first and foremost about love. It is bound together by the care,
need, companionship, and values of two people, which can overcome hurt,
immaturity, and selfishness to form something better than what each person
alone can produce. Love is at the heart of marriage, as it is at the heart of
God himself (1 John 4:16).
• When, in your own marriage or in a marriage you respect and admire,
have you seen love overcome hurt, immaturity, or selfishness? Give a specific
example.
• When have you seen or perhaps even experienced the partnership of
marriage being “something better than what each person alone can produce”?
Again, give a specific example.
Although love is at the heart of marriage, it is not enough. The marriage
relationship needs other ingredients to grow and thrive. These ingredients
are freedom and responsibility.
*The parts in italics are passages from the book Boundaries in Marriage. Page references to
Boundaries in Marriage are in parentheses.
• When two people are free to disagree, they are free to love. When they
are not free, they live in fear, and love is damaged.
— Why does genuine love allow the freedom to disagree?
— What fears come into play when people are not free to disagree—and
why do those fears cause love to die?
• When two people together take responsibility to do what is best for the
marriage, love can grow. When they do not, one takes on too much responsibility
and resents it; the other does not take on enough and becomes
self-centered or controlling.
— What, if anything, do you see about yourself and/or your marriage
when you look through the lens of the preceding statement?
Boundaries in Marriage is fundamentally about love. It is about promoting
it, growing it, developing it, and repairing it. We want to help you develop
love through providing a better environment for it: one of freedom and
responsibility. This is where boundaries, or personal property lines, come in.
They promote love by protecting individuals.
• Character is key. When people grow in character, they grow in the ability
to set and receive boundaries in their marriages, and they mature.
When they resist hearing the word no, they remain immature.
— How do you define character?
— At this point of your study, do your best to explain the connection between
character and boundaries.
— Think of toddlers you know. Why does resistance to the word no keep
a person from maturing?
• Today is the day to work on your own boundaries in marriage. The issues
you take initiative to deal with today will affect the rest of your married
life. And the issues you ignore or are afraid to address will do the same.
— Why do people choose to ignore issues in their marriage?
— What fears keep people from addressing issues in their marriage?
— What issues in your marriage do you need to be dealing with? Put differently,
what issues are you choosing to ignore or what are you afraid
to address?
You’re headed toward either a Harold and Sarah marriage (they’re still
dealing immaturely with old, old boundary issues) or a Frank and Julia one
(they’

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Excerpted from Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud, John Townsend
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.