Breathing Room

by Savage, Elayne

• ISBN13: 9781572242210
• ISBN10: 1572242213
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2000-11-01
• Publisher: New Harbinger Pubns Inc

Summary

The author of Don't Take It Personally! shows readers how to recognize what the space struggles in their relationships are really about. Thought-provoking exercises and examples from her practice help couples get past old resentments and negotiate a shared space that satisfies each person's expectations and needs.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	xi
A Different Kind of Space Odyssey	xiii
Introduction
Creating Comfortable Space
Couples in Space---How to Orbit Around Your Partner
How to Use This Book
Falling in Love with Love	1	(22)
What Intimacy Is and Isn't
Intimacy?
Space
Vulnerability
Self-Acceptance
Ingredients for an Intimate Relationship
What Intimacy Isn't
Your Intimacy Style
How to Be Two Without Losing You	23	(18)
Respecting Differences in Intimate Relationships
``I not only need time by myself---I need time to be myself.''
It's Hard to Breathe When You're Breathing the Same Air at the Same Time
Finding Your Voice
Now You See Me, Now You Don't
Allowing Space for Needs and Needs for Space
Can You Be Visible to Yourself?
From Solo to Duet
Confusing ``I'' with ``Thou''
Go Away a Little Closer	41	(24)
A Need for Closeness and the Fear of It
``I Need My Space''
Looking at Space from Every Which Way
We Live in Two Different Worlds
Rejection/Intrusion
Engulfferent/Abandonment
Demand/Withdraw
Pursuer/Distancer
Approach/Avoidance
Overfunctioner/Underfunctioner
``Gimme Land, Lots of Land...''	65	(16)
What Is Personal Space?
By Invitation Only
It's All Relative
I Am You and You Are Me: Exploring Boundaries
Privacy
Quiet Time/Transitional Time---a Time to Recharge
Children and Space---an Oxymoron?
Turf
Misjudging Space
Fill `Er Up	81	(22)
Filling Space
Horror Vacui---the Fear of Empty Space
Reaching the Saturation Point	103	(12)
Anxieties, Fears, Stress, and Illness
Anxieties
Worry Takes Up So Much Energy and Space
Fears
Stress---Reaching the Saturation Point
Illness
It Feels Like a Tug-of-War	115	(10)
Controlling Space
Jockeying for Position---Power and Control
Inflating and Diminishing
``Don't Dress Me, Change Me, or Try to Control Me!''
``I Feel Shut Out When You Shut Down''	125	(6)
Hurt Feelings and Misunderstandings
``When I Give You More Space, You Think I Don't Love You as Much''
``I'm Not Nagging, I'm Showing I Care About Us''
``You Let Me Down''---Dealing with Betrayal
``I Calibrate Myself to Your Emotions''
You Say Tomayto and I Say Tomahto	131	(12)
Style Differences
Grandma Passes Down More Than Just Her China
My Way Is Better Than Your Way
Cultural Differences Can Be Confusing
Gender Differences
Definition vs. Vagueness
Predictability vs. Unpredictability
Giving vs. Withholding
Defensive Independence vs. Neediness
Are You My Type?
So We're Different; Now What?
Getting Pushed Out of Shape	143	(14)
How Resentments Grow
Unrealistic Expectations Lead to a Heap of Disappointments
Relation-slips
If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind
What Is Clear Communication Anyway?
Abracadabra	157	(8)
Fantasies and Wishful Thinking
Reveries
Cyberspace
Long-Distance
Relationships
Long Lost Loves
Secret Contracts and Hidden Agendas
I Want to Be and You Want to Flee	165	(6)
Never Getting to ``Couple''
Magical Thinking
I'm Only Flexible Until I'm Not Flexible Anymore
The ``Dance-Away Lover''
Tighten Your Seatbelts---Bumpy Road Ahead	171	(10)
Situational Stressors
Work Schedules
Commuting Issues
Changes in Structured Time and Space
Those ``Outlaw In-Laws''---Relatives and Other Houseguests
Empty Nest
Emotional and Physical Illnesses
Aging Parents
The Space to Give and The Space to Receive	181	(16)
Recognizing Needs for Comfortable Space
Our Need for Feelings
Our Need for Privacy
Our Need for Needs
Giving Yourself the Space to Love Without Conditions
Giving Yourself the Space to Have an Adventure!
Giving Yourself the Space to Have Fun
Making Transitional Space
Time-outs
Personal Time-outs
Time for Yourself
My Space, Your Space, Our Space	197	(12)
Closing the Gap in Your Relationship
Looking at What Works
No-Fault Assurance
Maximizing Your Time Together
Becoming a Couple
References	209	(4)
Suggested Readings	213