The Ceo of the Sofa

by O'Rourke, P. J.

• ISBN13: 9780871138255
• ISBN10: 0871138255
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2001-09-01
• Publisher: Atlantic Monthly Pr

Summary

Not content to rest on his laurels, the bestselling humorist O'Rourke instead settles back on his caustic couch to offer a wide angled worldview from his own living room, his salon of sarcasm.

Author Biography

P. J. O'Rourke writes for Rolling Stone and The Atlantic Monthly and lives in New Hampshire and Washington, D.C.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	xiii
September 2000	1	(23)
Oliver Wendell Holmes has been agreeing with the CEO's opinions for nearly one hundred and fifty years. The CEO's wife does so less frequently. The CEO speaks on the subject of mobile phones in the manner of a 1959 curmudgeon inveighing against transistor radios. Imagine if cheap devices to broadcast noise for idiots had allowed idiots to broadcast noise in return. The UN is visited---a nice enough place until it was discovered by foreigners.
October 2000	24	(20)
The CEO considers stock market investments and decides that risk may be involved. His wife suggests getting a job but wonders if anything is available in the field of monkey business. The CEO considers employment and decides that work may be involved. He conceives a brilliant idea for making his fortune by thinking like a toddler but cannot find a play group with a wet bar.
November 2000	44	(18)
The candidates for the 2000 presidential election are given a thorough examination although the mainstream media are allowed to do the part involving a check for prostate enlargement. The mainstream media encounter themselves up there. Hillary Clinton is praised for her abilities as a GOP fund-raiser. The Political Nut, who often shows up in the CEO's household during the cocktail hour, thinks eBay could make political corruption more market-oriented.
December 2000	62	(15)
The CEO argues that Las Vegas is superior to Venice as a vacation destination---having found himself in better shape after being pulled over in traffic by the Nevada Highway Patrol than he was after being pulled out of a canal by the Italian carabinieri. Christmas gifts are chosen. The CEO carefully inspects the catalog from Blunderwear---lingerie that would be a mistake for anyone other than the catalog models. Hillary Clinton is embraced again---not, thank goodness, in her lingerie. The CEO attempts to bring modern ideas of caring and compassion to great works of literature but discovers that banning the death penalty ruins many masterpieces. At the end of A Tale of Two Cities, Sidney Carton has to explain to his parole officer that he's become a better person.
January 2001	77	(31)
Decadence is pondered and found to be a rotten old idea. The CEO begins an essay on how to get properly inebriated but realizes he has important research to do. He embarks, with his friend Chris Buckley, on a blind (drunk) wine tasting, the results of which have to be carried home flat on their backs in an SUV. The Political Nut beats a dead horse but Bill Clinton keeps whinnying. The impeachment is fondly remembered, and plans are made for a Bill Clinton/Ken Star reunion tour. The CEO meditates upon hypocrisy and decides that you can't fake it.
February 2001	108	(28)
The CEO is perplexed by the quantitative nature of modern celebrity and wonders how many times Thomas De Quincey would have to be arrested for opium eating to become as famous as Robert Downey, Jr. The CEO is---thanks to the miracle of modern car alarms---able to teach his teenage godson how to parallel park by sonar. The CEO lectures his young assistant on the virtues of the automobile: Consider having a hot date and needing to borrow your father's feet.
March 2001	136	(23)
The CEO intends to write his memoirs but forgets. He helps with his godson's homework instead, asking, ``What's all this argle-bargle about the loss of certainty in modern mathematics? I was never able to get anything to add up the same way twice.'' The CEO explains the concept of ``spring break'' to his godson who hears the lyrics of ``Where the Boys Are'' with disbelief and disputes the idea that Connie Francis and George Hamilton were ever teenagers.
April 2001	159	(19)
The Democrats next door are vanquished by the CEO's logic and are forced to resort to low political tactics such as not letting the CEO borrow their string trimmer. As an Oprah guest, Hitler is suggested: a larger-than-life personality who wrote a popular book about his struggle with personal issues. The CEO argues against legalizing drugs, now that the statute of limitation has expired on his behavior in the 1960s. Then the CEO argues in favor of legalizing drugs, if the federal government promises not to tell his wife.
May 2001	178	(25)
A new baby-sitter arrives on the scene causing romantic disturbance---for those in love with Keynesian economic assumptions. The CEO reveals his secret for avoiding stardom as a television commentator. The CEO holds forth on the proponents of Earth Day and declares them ``Dirt of the Earth.'' Counsel is consulted and a brief is filed on missile defense. The CEO prefers a plea of guilty rather than nolo contendere. The CEO's baby-sitter and young assistant are chastised for swiping tunes with MP3 technology---especially since none of the tunes swiped is ``Volare'' or ``Moon River.'' San Francisco passes a law forbidding discrimination against the fat, and the CEO is outraged that the lazy aren't included.
June 2001	203	(22)
A blessed event occurs consisting of the arrival, in plain brown wrapper, of cigars from Cuba. The CEO's wife has a baby, too. The CEO's godson finds there are difficulties in dating a young lady who can do risk-analysis computations. Breast feeding is an excellent method of getting a big baby to sleep, but the CEO is up in the middle of the night anyway. The second anniversary of the air war in Kosovo is celebrated with suitable pomp. The CEO declares the e-mail fad has run its course and buys stock in the Mimeograph corporation. Wives are praised for not killing their husbands, particularly the husband the CEO's wife is married to.
July 2001	225	(22)
India is traversed and the wild Indians are . . . well, let's just say Dancing with Wolves got it all wrong. The CEO proposes that an inexpensive second honeymoon could be had right in the living room if a second bottle of scotch can be procured. The CEO's wife goes in search of the keys to the gun cabinet.
August 2001	247
The CEO's godson's sister experiences rather more enlightenment than can stand the light of day. The Political Nut counters with a more sensitive and less judgmental upgrade of the Ten Commandments. Good feelings prevail. The Political Nut decides to apologize for all the horrible things he's said about Democrats---especially the true things. The baby-sitter tutors the CEO's godson in the higher mathematics of:
2 Sweet
2 Be
4 Got
10
The CEO's young assistant gets a real job. Hunter S. Thompson is shown, through rigorous textual analysis of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, to be a heck of a nice guy. The CEO's wife gets the CEO to shut up. A happy ending is had by all.